Emmai"s Story

Supply's story.

Long. I owe you cake and coffee. :-)

The current narc I am dealing with is the same as the other narcs I read about through this forum but the only difference in my situation was I met him online and promised to be faithful to him until he was able to move to be with me. This was, at the time – five years.

September 2008

I'd started a youtube channel to show my live journal friends my shoe collection.

Little did I realise I would be pounced upon by many shoe fetishists. I was intrigued by their messages, but wasn't looking for new shoes, money or any of the other things they were offering.

I received a message (to which I am sure now was a “form” letter sent to many women) and initially didn't take the bait. From what I now know, I had rejected his other profile, so he came back with a more suitable line. I politely declined his offers. He was persistent.

February 2005

Having come out of the domestic violence situation from hell I started dating in 2005. It was short lived. My “date” ended up being a person who had seen me in shopping centres and then on the site I had my profile on. I was held for many hours beaten and raped. So much for dating. Narc was my first … “date” after this event.

May 2009

Narc came to visit me. Anything I was unsure about before became clear. I was in love. The same dreamy feeling I see described here over and over again.

He left after a fortnight. I missed him. I cried for days. But he called me every day. Many times. SMS (text) and emails. He seemed to be “with me” save for in a physical form. Once I began to understand what he was, I realised the constant calling was his way of monitoring my movements.

2009/10/11

What went on between this time was visit to visit, my country, his country – approximately 9 months in between times. These were wonderful romantic and surreal fortnights with each other, spent in Switzerland in hotels (as he told me he had no home due to his job – lie) travel, flights over the Matterhorn. A life I have heard about but never knew.

In between visits he would cry, accuse me of having affairs and contacting other men online. He convinced me that the trouble I was having online with my maintaining channels at youtube was someone else. (It turned out to be him punishing me for some deed I apparently committed against him and our love.) At first he called me his wife. I think that is due to generalising the supply because we were not married ever. I am sure all the other women he was playing were also referred to as wife. He called me by his wife's name many times. He put this down to being tired and working too much. He would relate stories to me that I was apparently a part of, or conversations we'd apparently had, but again, this glorious man would never cheat on me. I was his world.

At times he would relate to me these seemingly clever brash and intricate games he would play with people online and in real life. At first I was fascinated until I got enough thinking time to really come to grips with what it was all about. Never once could have I considered that he was playing the ultimate game with me, but I can tell you he was awfully proud of himself for ruining other people's online lives due to his constant nasty mean games.

He told me he was involved in projects he wasn't and brushed it off when I asked him why or how come we have to do the visitor tour, if he is involved in the project. He lied to make himself seem amazing, and I bought it, until his lies got lazy and nothing seemed to add up anymore. I put it down to his busy job and work stress that he was forgetful; and that got me through until I couldn't deny it anymore.

LAST VISIT:

His plane was late. I got a call from a distressed sounding foreign woman (whom now I know to be from Switzerland -having the same mobile prefix as my narc- and more than likely his long suffering wife) asking for him. I said “He's not here” and let the call go. I was sick, ended up in hospital a few days later with advanced pneumonia. I had no time for anything, or the energy.

Little did I realise had I said “No his plane is late, who's calling? Can I take a message, I'll pass it on when he gets in” things may have been very different for both his wife and myself. When I asked him about it, he went all colours, and then abused me for not trusting him. I made him ring her back. He would NOT let me see his phone. He spoke in fast swiss/german. But from his ashen face, I knew that he obviously knew who it was.

He continued to deny knowledge of the person, and due to him working at a telco told me that the caller was in Germany despite the phone number belonging to a Swiss company that on sells his telco's products. He told me he had instructed his “underlings” to access the customer details and find out who owns the number.

I was so overwhelmed by this constant monitoring and intervention in my life that I got sick. Really sick. I wasn't eating, sleeping. I was anxious. Vigilant. Hyper vigilant.

Any slight of mine was blown out of proportion in the months before his last visit. I asked him many times why he wanted to be with such a broken woman. He was the only one that understood me and wanted to “lead me through the life.” To guide and care for me. Protect me. Help me (into an early grave possibly).

The signs.

I'd had enough of the deception by that time, but was too sick to take him on. Bad timing, or not. I got to watch him in an environment where he wasn't king controller. He fast lost his calm facade and turned into monster. A pouting child. When placed in a situation where he has no control, his true self comes out. And it was not pretty.

But, today I have only just begun to really realise the extent of the lie I lived with this man for 4 years. His claims of cancer seemed to come about at a time where I had caught him using fake profiles to trick me into having web sex with strangers. He did so many underhanded things; and all the while had a wife at home and a life that was not as “fabulous” as he made out. Run of the mill stuff, having read many of your stories here before my registration was approved. :-)

I was totally faithful to him the whole time. I never looked at another man. His constant accusations and his need to be validated was tiring. As I said, up to 4 times a day by phone (international call charges because it was a hidey-phone) sms and emails. He wanted to manipulate every second of my day. And at first I took this as care and love and chivalry. How stupid am I?

THE END?

I dumped him by email (in order to show him where I placed his importance by that time) two weeks after his return to Switzerland. I have not heard from him since, but then again, I did block/bounce his emails so who knows if he did write back or not?

The constant web monitoring, interference, contact by false profiles, games, deletions, false reports about me etc has gone on since I met him, so in all, he's still around because that has never ceased.

Apparently they don't like to be dumped from what I can gather, but I knew that already and struck at a time when it would be most inconvenient for him.

The Jilted Narcissist -The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Only very recently was my attention brought to some of the more nasty things this man got up to while we were “together”. He offered to give my then 14 year old daughter high heels. I was dubious but she was keen. I allowed it, but first wanted to look at the shoes for suitability. They were too high and she was not allowed to wear them, thank god. Recently I found images of them on a shoe fetishists website with his ejaculate all over them. He kept them and gave them to her and derived sexual pleasure believing they were on her feet.

My mind is reeling.

What did I do? How in the hell did I invite this perverse monster freak into the lives of my friends, family and my children?

“Oh Hello Vampire. Come in. Here are my children. Suck them bloodless as well as myself. Thank you for doing so. Come again.”

Against advice, I have not removed my public website. I feel that if I do that, he wins. But lately I've started to think differently. I want to fight back and not give in and give him what he always wanted. But maybe fighting is not the right thing to do at this time, or this man will continue to claim my life, my energy and my will to move on without even being involved in it.

Maybe deleting the site, email addresses and just disappearing might be the solution to get him to give up on his “continuous visits lasting over days” monitoring of my online activity?

Maybe I've picked the wrong war?

Any advice, I would be grateful for. I have cut short this story. It is mostly unbelievable due to the sheer magnitude of the game. Hiding me out in full view of his friends, peers and wife...while all the while I believed he was the answer to all my prayers.

My story is no less or more important than anyone else's. It's another story with a similar thread. Due to it being mostly non physical contact it's hard to believe that it went on for so long. But. I have to say to you this. It was honeymoon, interspersed with the malignant behaviour we all know, easily brushed off by fear of losing me due to distance. The more he accused me of playing around, the more I wanted to prove to him I wasn't. I was dancing his dance...and I should have remembered the steps. I'd danced it before, with partners in the past.

But it was mild. Just enough to keep my by the reigns. I could deal with it, because I understood his fear.

I figure, had I let him move in for good, his true self would have come out not long after he moved in.

He showed it to me the last time he was here. Dead black eyes, no expression. A calm cold stare and words that would shake the crap out of the toughest nut on the block. Then, switch back to efficient smart genius type like the other “person” didn't exist. Amazing.

I often wondered why these people pick me. I met the answer perhaps in the e-book. Empath. I am called that by everyone I meet. “You know me better than anyone in my life” is a phrase I hear often. I brush it off as being a people watcher, but to be honest, I can feel their pain. I gravitate to the angry dead inside person in order to help them feel. But they suck dry, and move on. It's the story and it repeats itself over and over again. It's the continuing thread in all of our stories -because after the “Romeo” persona is gone, that is what is left, a sad dead inside person, crying out for help. I respond to that. I do. I've done it all my life as far back as I can remember.

I know that basing a relationship on feeling sorry for someone is not a good ground, but it's all I know. I've been the “fixer” ever since I can remember. The “diplomat”. The “rebel”. The “whipping boy”. The one who is not good enough. Wrong. Not worthy. Chosen. No right to choose. Insignificant. Invisible.

See?

My mother is a narcissist. Because I didn't conform to her standard...you can surely know where this is going? Other sisters too scared to cross her, gang up on me. Isolated. Rejected. Why not try to recreate this “comfort” in each of my adult relationships? It was all I knew.

But knowing this – and accepting the truth of my childhood many years ago, didn't stop me from entering into the scariest and most devastating situation of them all. Like many of you, I have dated and married narcissists almost exclusively.

I was married once. Okay, twice, but the second husband didn't divorce his first wife, and thought nobody would find out because he was too clever. It was annulled and recorded as if never happening. First husband tried to kill me as I was trying to leave him and I ended up fighting for my life. Successfully. So. In short. I have a history. I don't want to repeat it again. Knowing these things about myself didn't stop me from walking head on into this situation. Despite the warning signals.

Am I permanently broken?

I'm left feeling stupid. Really stupid. Needy and dumb. Guilty as to how close he got to my children. How much he infiltrated my life. And it was all a lie. And I believed it, denied the signs and felt I'd be fine I could do it, and things would be better when we moved in together.

Until the reality was smacking me in the face, I found myself in hospital near dead, and it was only at that lowest point did I begin to examine and accept what I refused to before. To me, it was really a matter of life and death and I couldn't play games with myself either. Fess up, or die.

Thank you for reading this long long long story

Supply.