The Narcissists Girlfriend's Story - A Letter to the New Girlfriend

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#1 January 19, 2013 - 8:14am

The Narcissists Girlfriend's Story - A Letter to the New Girlfriend

A Letter to the New Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl & Mr Hyde from His EX

Dear New Girlfriend,

Let me preface this letter to you by acknowledging that you will not believe a word of it...just yet. Not for months, or even a year or two...or three...In fact, you may read it and go running to your amazing new man, your 'soulmate',...for some reassurance that none of this is true. And he WILL tell you it is all a lie. He WILL deny everything. He will tell you it's all the imaginings of his bitter ex-psycho GF. Oh yes, he will say, you are SO much better, his Princess, his One and Only Truest Love. And he will warn you not to ever believe a word of anything ANYONE ever says about him...unless it is all GOOD, of course!

Or he might try this strategy with you. He may half heartedly admit, if confronted, that YES! he has done "things in his past that he is not proud of", but he has "learned from his mistakes and he is a changed man for YOU! And besides, he isn't perfect...."sometimes". But this time he won't make the same little 'mistakes...this time, because YOU are SO Special...more special than anyone else before you,...he won't repeat anything from the past. YOU are safe from his inner demons! He has worked on himself and he is a NEW man! Everything he ever did that might be even a little wrong, is all in the PAST. Yes, it's all in the past and it has nothing to do with what you now have (after a whirlwind lightening fast 3 weeks of meeting him). What he has done in his past was SO long ago, it's as if it never happened. Right? (what a convenient concept) And it must be true and real...just like your special new relationship! (can we say instant!) And if you find out my real name, he will convince you most of all that you must never listen to a word I say or write, and that you should never EVER try to talk to me. You will believe everything he tells you. You will. I know. Because I did too. Once Upon a Time.

Right about now YOU, as the next one in line, are feeling like you hit the jackpot and won the lottery all at once. You could not be happier! You are happy, just deliriously HAPPY! You are dancing on cloud nine and ten and counting all your lucky stars. In less than a few weeks since you met Mr. all places, and now you think you're so completely 'in love' that you hardly know what to do with yourselves. You almost hold your breath until the next time you are together. He takes your breath away to just see that million dollar smile of his! Your heart just melts at the very sight of him. Already you are almost inseparable. In such a short time, days, or mere weeks, you crave him, and you are together every chance you can get. You have already been on some of the most romantic dates of your life in just a few weeks of first meeting. He is Romeo...and you are his new Juliet! The 'ONE' a line of others before you who were also the "ONE'. But let's not go there just yet. Let's just stay with this dream for a little while. It feels SO good. How do I know? Because I was in that exact same Fairy Tale dream, not as long ago as you may have been told.

Right about now you are telling yourself, "Yes, but I am different than you", even 'better' somehow. In the mere month you have 'known him, you are certain that you already know him better than anyone else that may have known him for years! You say to yourself "I am the girl he always dreamed of", and you know this because he tells you so. You are the one he has been waiting for all his life. The one who is so special, that only you can heal his troubled heart. YOU'RE the one to make him happy, you are his 'everything'! He says it all the time. So it must be true. You know, without a doubt that you are meant to be together. It is fate and destiny. What did he ever do without you. You are his precious angel. It is the truly truest TRUE love story, if ever there was one! Even better than in the movies. He is your leading man. You are his leading lady. Your stomach is full of butterflies, you hardly sleep, you hardly can eat, and he is on your mind day and night. Well, those aren't really 'butterflies' girl, that's your 'gut instinct' giving you warnings. But you won't pay attention. And neither did I. It's all so deliciously GOOD!

Spoiler Alert: Close your eyes right now and don't read this if you don't want to recognize this reality! It feels SO good, because it is TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE...none of it is true, it's just his Dr. Jekyl act that he lets you see at first. His best side, his 'good' image and persona are all of him that he allows you to see right now. It's his best BAIT to lure you in unsuspecting. Keeping you unaware of his true nature,...what you do not know are the dark secrets that he keeps hidden about himself. His Mr. Hyde side is the REAL DEAL and is saved for later, for when he is 'sure' of you' and then sometimes grows tired of you (and he will, even if you cannot imagine it right now). He will show his dark abusive side only much later, when you begin to see that reality and this dream are two different things. Only when you begin to question him. If you saw his real persona, the dark and dangerous Mr. Hyde side, you would RUN! And he knows this!...okay, you can go back to the dream now...

Close your eyes and count all those thousands of yummy kisses he has given you by now. Oh yes, if there is something he is an expert at, it is those kisses. He kisses you for hours...and hours...and everywhere you go...and you are blinded by those wonderful sexy perfect kisses! You will not realize right now that blinding you to reality the real reason for those kisses. You cannot see beyond the smokescreen of those perpetual nonstop kisses...and that's the point of them...NOT because he just loves kissing you. Special YOU. The only woman in the world truly meant for him! But to bond you tightly and as quickly as possible to him and convince you that YOU are 'The ONE'. (I will not tell you that these kisses will also dwindle and stop eventually. Right now you only imagine kissing him FOREVER and ever and ever!) Why! Sometimes you feel you can almost fly!, and you are probably floating on air everywhere you go. Your head is up there in the clouds. You see rainbows and sunshine and shooting stars. But you have no idea how thin that air will get one day. And I really don't want to warn you. Not yet. I truly DO wish that the dream you are currently dreaming was as real as it seems to be for you. I do. I really really do.

It goes something like this; Every waking moment you have thoughts of HIM. Magical, wonderful perfect HIM. And your world has suddenly, VERY suddenly, taken on the rosiest hue! You are in Heaven. He is an Angel, brought to you by God himself as a gift, just for YOU! You must've been rewarded (finally! whew!) for something you did right. Your prayers have been last! He is a dream. A God. A funny cuddley snuggley playful little boy sometimes. How cute is that?! So thoughtful and loving and tender and sweet. So affectionate, he can't keep his hands off of you. Oh! you feel so good and happy just to BE with him. And you tell him...and tell him...and tell him, ALL the time, just how amazing, sexy, smart, handsome, remarkable, perfect and special...and essential...he is to you already. In just a few short weeks. You feel you have always known him. You BELONG together. He has become your EVERYTHING very quickly. You have been swept off of your feet...literally! And there is your Prince right there to catch you! What a lucky lucky girl you are. Luckier than anyone in the entire universe. Lucky lucky YOU! You hum and sing as you skip down the street. It's all SO hunky dorie wonderful. And the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause and Leprechans really DO exist after all! Isn't it incredible? This must be REAL love!

You are certain that there is no other man on earth more attentive and more of a gentleman. There is no one EVER who could be SO much fun. Everywhere you go he is always holding your hand, or his arm is around you and he is constantly kissing on you,...oh yes!...all those wonderful delightful sexy kisses. Again, on every street corner, everywhere you go. Nonstop kisses. You can't get enough of him. Right? You haven't felt this way in the longest time and never thought you would feel this way again, but here you are...already so deeply in love with the 'love of your very life'.(in record time! WOW, is this what swooning feels like?) Am I right so far? He is just that special. He is already your drug and you are addicted to him, to his very touch, his stories, his wit and humor, his seeming 'compassion for others', his utter HIM...the whole package. (the whole ACT) Come to think of it, his charm is so utterly charming itself, could there be anyone more charming than he is? What a Prince among Princes, and YOU are his Princess in your very own real life Fairy Tale Love Story. How do I know this? Because it was the SAME dream, the same Fairy Tale Love Story...the same exact things he said and did with ME when I was 'The ONE'. But don't believe that. Right now, anything I say to you cannot be true. I am now cast as the Evil & Crazy Witch EX who left for no reason at all and broke the tender heart of a very sensitive & wonderful man. Isn't this the role I now play in HIS & YOUR special new Dream? How could I DO such a terrible thing?

By now he has told you all the 'stories' of how his EX's were so horrible to HIM, that they just did not appreciate him enough for the great guy he is, and they neglected his 'needs' and were abusive and critical and made him feel very bad about himself. The 'pity play', so convincing and so classic of a narcissist, but you won't *get* that yet. ( It's designed to get you to feel sorry for him, care more about HIM and feel protective of him, while blaming them's you two against the world of his awful EX's! See how bonding that is?, works perfectly while making himself out to be the sufferer...instead of the 'not so great guy' with a history of violent behavior & abusiveness, the Mr. Hyde that he really IS hiding, and this pity ploy keeps you distracted from taking a real good look at HIM?) All that 'love' and all that almost smothering attentiveness he is pouring on you right now feels just too good so it has to be real. Right? VERY CONvincing. If he hasn't yet blamed his EX's for his problems, he WILL begin bad mouthing his most recent one soon...(one, a few, or all of them eventually). Perhaps right now he is pretending most are friendly so you aren't scared away. He knows to disparage one's EX is a big RED FLAG and on the list of things NOT to say to YOU!...Most likely in short time, he will ignore this dating rule though. You will come to notice the longer that you are together that the 'rules' of life in general just don't apply to HIM.

Oh! how those witches, those critical nags, haranged him and took everything from him and made him cry. His poor heart was broken, stomped on and smashed to a million pieces by those horrible psycho bitches! Awwww, how could they hurt such a wonderful darling adorable man such as he? Oh yes! Did I mention that they all had 'issues' and too many 'problems' and were 'bad' people? Oh sure, they were all probably, just like he says, even 'psychopaths' and liars themselves. They just never could 'trust him'(don't ask yourself why that is just yet, it may take you out of the dream you are in! Blame them too! Cling to his version that it was 'all their fault') Yes! It must be true, because even his family is backing him up on this as they all nod in unison when he tells you how terrible his last relationship was...the one with ME...just before YOU. Couldn't be the entire family is just that much in denial and dysfunctional...right? I can assure you they are all well aware of the trouble he has caused, in his own life, in theirs...and in others, but their lips are sealed...They have found ways to punish him and cut him out within their family circle, but they will never let you know this...let's not go there right now either. Right now YOU are the CURE. They are counting on this working out...THIS time he has found someone so special that he could NEVER raise his voice or fist to you, but if he does, it means that you were not the 'RIGHT ONE' either...nevermind that if it doesn't work out, HE and THEY will blame YOU next. You will have your turn to be the family Scapegoat someday too. You will eventually be the horrible EX who 'made him do the things he does' because YOU are flawed and to blame...ignore me, I'm just the terrible EX.

Go back to the Dream...and your dream man...and those dreamy kisses....

Don't you agree that it is such a pity that this perfect man kept finding Miss Wrong all of his life. I mean, the poor pitiful fella has just had the worst luck with women hasn't he? He has tried and tried with those witches. He certainly has. He never gives up, even if it means literally stalking them...but that's also for much later. YOU are here now to change all that for him and make him so so so happy! He deserves the BEST! And the BEST IS YOU! WooHoo! Yep! Never fear...YOU are here to rescue him and make him feel better. You won't make the same mistakes like they all have made. You will treat him better than all the rest...because you are the right 'ONE'. After all he and his family say you are SO much better than any of his EX's...and you believe it. I remember this part of the dream too. When I was told that I was "a breath of fresh air compared to his last girlfriend" as they all nodded in unison and made remarks about her that you almost can't hear,... under their breath. Yeah. Poor Prince Charming. All of his Ex's were just awful. So terrible. Just horrible. But too bad for THEM now! It's their loss! It's all in his PAST! He's all YOURS now! He has now become the most wonderful man in the world. And your specialness has something to do with that! Wheeeeee!

Well, let's not burst your delightful bubble just yet. It's nice for me to reminisce about the first 'bloom' of his love RUSH too. To remember the same EXACT things I felt, as I write this letter to you. Oh yes, I remember it all too well. In exactly the very same way. And that's because he did exactly the SAME things. Said the very same things. Went on the very same dates, to the very same places. Held MY hand in the same way in the car with the same music on too. SAid all the most romantic same things too. Looked into my eyes and kissed me a billion times. Just like he does with you. Pay attention here. It's his best game play! He did the exact SAME things, and I fell for it all too in the EXACT same way you do right now. A couple of years from now, (give or take) this point will be important to you as you sort your way out of the ashes of your life, the damage and cognitive dissonance that you will be left with after the dream is over and you wake up to the nightmare you are really in. Right now there is nothing I can say to you that you will believe. In fact, you must already view me as the sour or bitter EX. (Forget that I left HIM, and the possibility that HE might be bitter instead). Yes, that's the role I am cast in now, in this amazing new love story that you share with HIM.

You have probably been told that the break up was mutual, or even that HE broke it off or was thinking about it anyway, and that maybe I just beat him to the punchline and he tells you he is sure that I still 'want him', because he is SO GREAT that every one of his EX's really secretly regrets leaving him. Am I close? It would take a miracle on the MOON for him to EVER be truthful and tell you that it was his RAGE, HIS lies, his record, his numerous bad moods, his VIOLENCE, his 'keeping his options perpetually open, his words, his neglect, HIS secrets...the hours on porn and singles sites, his abuse, his excuses, the cheating, his always blaming others, and did I mention VIOLENCE ???...that cost us our 'Dream'. The truth is that I left and moved so far away...SO far away, where I was safe from both his lethal violent side and his charm. I am not angry, and I certainly don't want to be with him. Hello? Pay attention to logistics here and wonder why a woman would move SO far away and leave behind such a 'wonderful man'?!! I wrestle with myself not to say this. But the truth is that of all the people I have met in my entire life, I wish with all my heart that I had never met him. NEVER. Not ever. I could not mean this more. Oh, I loved the first part of the Dream too, and it was very hard to wake me up from it, but the damage in the aftermath of the nightmare it became was not worth any of it. And because I truly thought I loved him once, that makes me incredibly sad. I still have nightmares and wake up in fear and tears that he is coming to hurt me some more...but this won't happen to YOU. Right?

So many truths he will keep from you too...about his past, about his tantrums and frightening level of swift violent behavior, and all his trouble with the law. His lies robbed me of the information I needed to make very important choices for my own life and those I love...his lies kept me in the dark about what I REALLY faced in the future with him, and cost ME dearly in my ability to trust other men...and to trust myself to know who is good and who isn't. (it's called 'cognitive dissonance, and you will have this too the longer you stay with him) His abuse ripped my spirit and heart in two & took my happy disposition and my good health. I lost confidence and my cheerful personality. He kept from me what I deserved to know. That he was a violent man and had a record of abuse a mile long. I would never have had a first date with him, let alone give him a second look,..if I had known. And he knows this. He knows this about YOU too. And he will do anything to keep you from knowing the truth, including denigrating me, calling me a liar and saying that I am 'crazy' and 'jealous' so you will not believe me. He will accuse ME of the very things that he has done and continues to do. I am risking much to try to save you. But you will only realize this later...later when the Dream you are in right now comes to an end. I am sad to tell you that it WILL come to an ending. Not now, or even soon perhaps. You might even have a few 'happy weeks, months or years'. But one day it will end. Because if it doesn't, you will not survive. Either emotionally and spiritually...or even worse...physically. When you wake up one day and see the damage he has really done to YOU and your life,...just as he done to everyone who has dared to love him, including YOURSELF, that's when your heart will be broken too.

Another SPOILER ALERT: Now comes the part where you must wake up! But you can save this part for when you are ready. Don't read any further if you want to sleep in just a little bit more. I wish you were ready for some reality right now as I would like to find a way to protect you and spare you from the destructive nightmare that your 'dream' WILL become. I wish your dream would last forever. You won't believe this either, but I do. There will come a day when small chinks in his armor will begin to show thru. A precurser to the big ones. It might happen sooner, or it might happen later. The timing is not relevant. What matters is that just like everything else is the same in this dream you are in at 'the beginning', so will 'the ending' be...the very same...a nightmare. Perhaps some details will change here and there...but it WILL end, and you will be hurt. Your sweet and giving heart that's so full of love and stars for him, so full of unabashed joyful promise, so innocent of what's to come...will one day feel as if it has been broken beyond repair.

NO! you say?! This is real and it will never end. It's too bad I feel this way, but it will never be like this for YOU. Ah! Unfortunately, it will. He might try harder this time and do better. The dream may last longer this time with you. He may be determined that this time you won't leave him. Rejection and abandonment are his biggest fears...right up there with exposure. But the minute you become familiar, perhaps a little boring, or doubt him or question him, or wonder and ask for some clarity about his behavior, he will begin the dance of devalue and discarding you. Oh he will NOT discard or leave you right away. He won't break up with you all at once. Instead he will begin to torture you with abuse and neglect and blame, cheating and lies. Then when the push and pull, hot and cold rollercoaster ride he takes you on begins in earnest, you will feel it. And it will hurt. If you are anything like ME, (and you are) you will try to fix things, make things go right. You will lay awake in bed alone and long for him to return to that man you first fell in love with at the beginning when your dream was so new and so wonderful. But at this point you will rarely see him again. Instead, he has become the REAL persona that he IS. MR. HYDE. If the lovely Dr. Jekyl ever comes back, it will only be at brief intervals, until he vanishes forever. Things will never be the same after this. They can't. Now you know too much about him and he must be sure no one else will know. Now you become the 'crazy one' who 'harangues' him...and very soon you will be in my shoes...IF you can escape...

Oh, for a time he WILL be Dr. Jekyl AND Mr. Hyde for you off and on, for a while...He will be lovely and a complete gentleman, and then turn sour and instantly furious!...and then sweet and attentive again, then suddenly rage, then just as quickly smile and kiss you, and then grab you by your hair and threaten to throw you down the stairs, then wrap you in his arms and say he is sorry and he loves you and it will never happen again. He will feign sincere contrition, then even the fake apologies will stop. Then he will be protective of you...then barrel down the street at 160 kilometers/hr in a rage when he thinks someone cut him off...risking your life. You will begin to notice that he is SO easily offended by the smallest things. He will give you a gift, but when he is angry at you, it will disappear and he will tell you that you lost it. His stories will change from one day to the next. He will vascillate between brutal 'honesty' and outright deception to confuse you, and then deny that he ever lies or plays mind games, and that YOU are just making things up in YOUR mind. He expects absolute 'respect', to be noticed, appreciated, validated and admired and entitled...and if his 'Dr.Jekyl' act doesn't garner the complete attention and all the admiration he seeks from others, then his 'Mr. Hyde' true self will angrily demand that they notice him! Did I mention the temper tantrums? Oh yes! THOSE! No mere 2 year old could out-do HIS 'pitching a fit'! Yes! The tantrum part is a lot of fun. Very entertaining the first time you witness it. He will whine and mutter, complain in a babylike voice, throw and break things, hiss and spit too. And when this happens, you will be shocked. To hear a grown man, nearly 50 years old...whine like a very spoiled little girl. It's all just so NOT pretty to see. This behavior will continue more and more frequently...In cycles. Wash, rinse and repeat!

He will yell at you, then laugh at you and put you down. He will pout because you didn't read his mind. The tantrums will get louder and longer. He will step on the toes of tiny little elderly ladies and scream at THEM in the street in front of many witnesses. He won't care who he hurts! In time, his perfect 'Father of the Year' act will falter and he will rage at and hit his kids right in front of you. And you will be shocked at his swift fits of rage and violence! He'll no longer try to hide it. He will complain about every other thing and break objects when he is angry. Then he'll smile and make a joke and make excuses and seem sorry. He will neglect you for days, and then romance you for a few hours. Up and down and all around. Small things at first, then HUGE! He will make you doubt yourself, mock you and tell you how stupid and inadequate you are. He will play mind games in earnest and play them to WIN. And he will be cruel, so cruel and then say he 'didn't mean it' or you 'took it all wrong'. And 'can't you take a joke?'.

He will slowly, ever so subtly, erode away your dignity and confidence. He may eventually beat you and bruise you too, as he has done in his other relationships. But he has been in trouble for abuse and violence so many times now that he's on the radar of local law enforcement. So it's possible he may not go quite this far...with he knows the next time he gets violent, he will go to JAIL! But you will be abused. You will cry as much as you smile at this stage. Then, if you don't find a way to leave him after this, you will lose that smile, completely. He WILL break you, hurt, crush, abuse you, damage, blame and use you, take your heart, your spirit, your trust, use your money, your love, health & life, stalk, threaten and scare you, then devalue and destroy you...then dust himself off with a satisfied smile and move on quickly to the next 'ONE'. You will become his 'horrible EX', and it will all be YOUR fault...and he will start a NEW Fairy Tale Love Story Dream...with someone else. After YOU. Guaranteed.

Your health and appearance will suffer. Your relationships with your family, children and friends will suffer too, because they will begin to notice things about him that they don't like, and will be puzzled that you stay with him. You will reach out to them and tell them about some problems and things he does, and they will get tired of hearing it when they offer their advice and support and yet see that you stay with him for more. This is when you begin to lose your own inner dignity. You will even question your own sanity to stay with this man, who once was your Prince, who's issues clearly go beyond the problems of someone who told you he that just maybe "wasn't perfect" sometimes.

He will eventually be who he IS. Nothing you can do will prevent his eventual transformation back into 'Mr. Hyde'. He IS a very unstable, angry, violent and selfish man with a personality disorder and character flaws that you cannot heal. And being with him will destabalize YOUR life, even your children's lives and affect them!... If you don't believe this right now, promise yourself that you will get out immediately at the first sign that what I am telling you is true...For THEIR sake, if you can't leave him for YOURS!

After quite a while of this stage, when you keep trying harder to please him...meeting all his will notice he will be up all night,...night after night on porn for hours. Hours and hours and hours. Looking like an absolute BOZO the CLOWN totally oblivious you are standing right there as he's stupidly staring at, talking to and masturbating to some air brushed naked women on a computer screen with his pants around his ankles. Just like some common heavy breathing pervert. Yep! That's the same Prince Charming you are with...right this minute! Take a good look! Not quite the picture of who he seems to be right now, is it? There will be hang up calls and calls from Other Women asking for him and wondering who you are? You will begin to recognize the signs of deceit,(such as when he leaves in the morning wearing his 'special underwear and after-shave on Tuesdays and Thursdays and returning home smelling like...well...SEX...later ) Or he makes secret calls outside on the deck or in the bathroom...or after you have gone to sleep. And you are NOT invited anymore to his work events, and he begins to suggest you each have your 'own space' sometimes. You WILL begin to notice things are a becoming a little 'different', even though he is well practiced at hiding and denying that he cheats...And DO listen girl. No matter what he says, how he lies, how he denies...he DOES cheat. And he WILL eventually cheat on YOU. But this is the least of the concerns you should have. It is your safety that should be most important.

Oh yes, sorry to let you in on his dirty little secret life so soon. None of this is your fault. You see, no amount of your 'trying' and loving him really really good and really really hard,...will change this about him. Eventually he WILL seek more and more attention from others. It does not matter how pretty you are, or what a good cook you are, or how sexy and wonderful you are in bed. It doesn't matter if you are as gorgeous as 'Hollie Berri' or 'Elizabeth Hurley' and 'Christie Brinkley'. (ask them, they will tell you this too) Being one of the prettiest, smartest and wealthiest, most talented women in the world won't spare you or make you more special to him, or make this Fairy Tale Love Story work out...later...when the newness wears off...and it will!. His need for attention and validation is endless and vast and no one woman can fill him up...right now he assures you that you are all he needs...but it's just another one of his lies.

There is so much more to tell you, but I will spare you the rest, I think you have heard enough to figure your way out, eventually...when you need to save yourself! If you eventually do leave, do so carefully, as he becomes highly offended and furious, he will call everyone you know, and neighbors all around the middle of the night...pertending to be 'concerned'(but trying to get information about you)...and he will stalk you, stand outside your window at 2am staring at you sleeping, and do everything that scary movies and nightmares are made of. Be very careful when you leave, as he becomes dangerous and harrassing and threatening, worse than you can imagine. I can only hope that you have paid attention. But I'm fairly certain that you won't, just like I wouldn't have either. Right now you love this Fairy Tale True Love Story and imagine with all your might that you really truly love him. That what you have with him was 'meant to be'. You have no idea that the man you love right now does not exist. It's just a mask. You will cling to this 'dream'...and HIM for dear life.

You think he loves you. He tells you he loves you SO much. You believe it with all of your heart. And it is so sad for me to tell you this too, but he does NOT know how to love anything or ANYONE...but himself. He can sure fake it to be even better than the real thing though! He is not really Prince Charming, andmore than a Narcissist. Because he is also violent and has been in trouble with the law so many times, because of this he is on the other end of the spectrum Psychopath. I can assure you that he is dangerous in many ways. Your spirit, soul...heart and
body are in mortal danger, the longer you are with him. So please. Just for a moment, stop to ponder this. Right now, He has convinced you...ever so swiftly...engaged you SO fast...bonded with you so tightly...WHY the rush?, is it because you and HE are just that special? Is there really such a thing as 'fate'? Or was it his intention to romance you so thoroughly that your head will be in the clouds and you will not pay attention to those 'Red Flags' hopes that you might never find out the truth that this 'dream' he created for you was well practiced and perfected on the "ONE"s before you. He hopes you will not see these truths about HIM. The truth is that you are really in a nightmare and you won't know it....until the damage is done and it's too late for you too...

That's one truth I hope with all my heart...that doesn't turn out to be true...

The EX-Girlfriend

July 13, 2017 - 3:10am


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July 6, 2014 - 8:06am

When the Narcissist has a New Girlfriend

~For those who are struggling with the stage when he has new 'supply' ( bc that's all the new GF really is)...this 'letter' was written for YOU, not help you vent (while reading it...dont send it!) and to see the cycle of how relationships go with each new woman after you. Remembering that YOU were once the new girlfriend might help you understand what is really taking place in his new 'happy''s just the idealization phase that will pass and eventually become a roller coaster ride of devalue, and the push/pull, up & down phase, (remember that part?) and then starts the lying, cheating, abuse, & sometimes the repeated break-up/make-up phase and then the final discard phase. One day she will be feeling just as you do now..unless she catches on quickly, sees the red flags and walks away early on.

You are not inadequate, unlovable, or 'not good enough'. It has nothing to do with your looks, or figure or how sexy you are. What he does really has nothing to do with you, tho it feels very personal and hard to is all about him. The nature of the beast is that he must always be in the search for new 'supply', and will devalue & discard each girlfriend or 'supply' when she starts to see his flaws or catches him in one too many lies.

You didn't do anything to cause what has happened in your relationship and there was nothing you could've done better to change the outcome. What happened was going to happen no matter how lovely a person you were...and still are...and one day, when you are healed from the hurt of your relationship with a narcissist, you will see it all more clearly, regain your 'self' and self esteem in a more solid way with your boundaries intact...and well acquainted with the red flags so that you can protect yourself better and have a healthier/happier future.


The Narcissists Girlfriend

December 13, 2014 - 6:53am (Reply to #85)

Will He Change for the New GF?

And he won't 'change' for YOU either. Once that mask is's OFF. No going back. Not ever.

But as long as you keep obsessing and acting out towards her...and him...the longer he will use your actions/behavior/emotions to 'prove' to her and others just exactly how 'crazy' and jealous he says you are and how he was right to break up with you. He will also use you to play his triangulation games with her AND you. And if you do anything tangible ( legally admissible ) such as send her letters, text him or her repeatedly, call or leave voice messages...and otherwise continue to do crazy things he also just might accuse you of stalking and get the police involved.

For those of you going thru this stage after the final D&D, read this tedious letter over until you can see the pattern...and STOP wondering. Don't hate his new GF. She is unaware and is being manipulated by him. She is not 'better' but simply NEW...and does not know what she is in for. She will find out, once the idealization stage is over.

Your very best course to take is going NC ( no contact ) immediately. Take control of YOUR life and feelings. Learn all you can until you fully grasp what narcissism is. You dodged a bullet by not being with him now. You need to put all your effort and love and emotions into YOU and care about yourself the way you would your very Best Friend as you heal.

Sign up for Goldie's support group. NOW! It will give you some relief and the info & tools you need to help you heal and feel better & stronger.

Go NC. Strict NC

Remember :
Contact = PAIN

Got that? Any type of contact will equal pain eventually...ALWAYS

The BEST and most powerful message you can send him...AND the new GF is to be completely NC and empower yourself.

The Narcissists Girlfriend

August 25, 2015 - 8:48am (Reply to #86)

This Letter is really for You, not the New GF

Good Morning! Someone was searching for this 'Letter' bc they were going thru the phase where the EX Narcissist quickly obtained a new GF. It's a pretty hurtful time where you may have many mixed emotions and plenty of cognitive dissonance.

'The Letter' is for YOU to read, ~but NOT actually send to the new GF...and it takes you thru the basic stages of an often typical relationship with a narc ( idealization, devalue & discard and everything in between) and serves to remind you why YOU are the lucky one to be done with your EX so you can begin to heal.

You may not feel it's possible right now, but you will heal~stronger & wiser! ~and happier than you may think possible.

The 'Letter' is a bit long, but has been slightly revised to read a little better here;

It's been a long long time since I began my own healing journey, ( seems like a lifetime ago...and it began here on this wonderful website that Lisa created years ago!) ~and I'm happy to tell you all that I've been feeling
fantastic! Life goes on, and it gets better! Having the ability to recognize the 'red flags' of disordered individuals has made my life better bc I am smarter about who I let into a friend or a potential relationship. I can better protect myself & family from the drama and damage these individuals cause bc of this experience. It doesn't mean one should become jaded or unkind. ~Instead, I've learned to set very good boundaries and make my own health & happiness a priority.

I have so much gratitude for this website and for Goldie & the mods here...and for the support and information I recieved that helped me sort thru and eventually heal. Thank you SO much!

For those that may need/want extra support thru this process I highly recommend contacting Goldie for a one-on-one and join the support group! You will be amazed how incredibly helpful the support, specific knowledge and caring that Goldie offers will make you feel much quicker!

Be sure to stay NC! No matter what. Sending you all blessings, hugs and every good wish for a happier & healthier future!


The Narcissists Girlfriend

July 6, 2014 - 6:24pm (Reply to #84)

Perfect timing to see this

Although I know in my head that OW is in the love bombing phase right now and that the mask will drop soon, Iv'e had some pangs of jealousy over the past couple of days. Nothing too strong or upsetting but I can see thoughts come that suggest that it could of been different if only etc. It's just a sign that I need to bring the focus back to me and how I am feeling, I know.

March 27, 2014 - 3:57pm

Will the Narcissist Change for the OW?

Someone had contacted me off the forum bc they couldn't find this specific here it is!

Seems its good timing as I noticed some Newbies fresh out of a relationships with a Narc and hurting at the thought that he might 'change' somehow and treat the next OW better.

Hope this letter helps those that are going thru the phase of self doubting and are feeling like they are inadequate in some way. When you've been thru D&D and then see him go on so quickly to a new girlfriend and seem so happy, it's easy to forget that there was a time he idolized you, which is to say...he will also do to her, similar things he did to you...including the eventual D&D...

What goes up,...must come down...and with a Narc, whatever he idolizes he later destroys.

She is not better, or more deserving of love than you are,...she's just new and clueless. When his mask falls off and she starts to see glimpses of who/what he really is...he will begin the hot/cold, push/pull and devalue/discard...and she will then be in your shoes.

Just a quick note to everyone...I'm happy and doing great! Just stopped in to say hello, find this post for a friend and wish everyone love & peace in their's there waiting at the other end of this journey of healing...

xo :-)

The Narcissists Girlfriend

March 27, 2014 - 9:25pm (Reply to #81)

Thanks for this

I have struggled over and over with this. Today and yesterday I have fought bad feelings, don't want to get down. I am just tried of it, wish I never would think about him and the ow ever again. Really just him.... I don't want it to hurt any more... TD

March 28, 2014 - 5:42am (Reply to #82)

You would be a fantastic candidate

For my upcoming support group.

The help is right here when you are ready to want to stop hurting.

Much love and support

Here are a few comments from some members who feel better now

It's up to you. When you have had enough. You will stop.


" I have shifted my focus and obsessive thinking from the narcissist to myself in Goldie's Support Group. I didn't know what to expect, nervous, and wondered how this would help. Goldie mapped it out for us and my fears disappeared, she's a great guide. We address and understand WHY we stayed, HOW we allowed our boundaries to be trampled, self esteem issues. We identify patterns and behavior, and learn what we need to do differently! I see changes in my interaction with the world. I'm in the moment. I am peaceful and in control for the first time in a very long time! Goldie had such a profound impact on me." ~kitka~

"I have had so many insights about myself and my very long relationship (if you can call it that...) with the narc in Goldie's Support Group. Goldie is wonderful! She will kindly hold your feet to the fire, and instinctively knows exactly where your head's at, even if you have no idea. The other members are very supportive, as well. I would recommend this to anyone who has started or been on this journey, because very few people out there understand what we've gone through, and how difficult it is to recover. And stay out of it." ~Newme63~

"I am grateful, Goldie helped me to change my destructive thinking patterns and has helped me discover the strong, confident woman who was hiding under all of that pain and misery. Goldie, thank you for all of the time you've spent working with me on this and so much more. I would NOT have grown the way I have or feel as good as I do now if not for you. I've had an amazing facilitator and teacher for the last year, Ms. Goldie. ~It'sFinallyTime~

"Getting to a good place in my life after what happened is mainly thanks to Goldie and the support group. It turned my life around, not just deprogramming from narc abuse but also figuring out so much about how my upbringing made me ideal prey for a narc! In some ways I think I needed for that narc r'ship to happen to get me to heal all the things about me that I didn't realise needed fixing!" ~MissH~

"I spent a large 4-figure sum on therapy with the xPD which got us nowhere. Goldie's Support Group it is without a shadow of a doubt the best bargain in support group/therapy land. If you want to WORK HARD so you can get healthy, figure out who you really are underneath it all, and feel heard and respected no matter what crazy bs comes out of your mouth: SIGN UP NOW. It works if you work it folks, and we're worth it." ~Trixy~

"Support is here for you now with Goldie, an expert in this field with years of experience working in small groups with proven success." ~Introspection~

"I had a one on one with Goldie yesterday and it did wonders for me. If you haven't done one yet, do it! I promise you will see things you never saw before. I also promise when you hang up that phone you will sense calmness again and you will realize there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Today I choose me." ~Movingforwardnow~

"To anyone thinking of a one to one with Goldie, don't think. Email her and do it! An absolutely inspirational lady who truly understands. Her approach is fantastic. My nerves in talking to a stranger and her patience with me and getting me to listen in a kind way was truly admirable. She speaks common sense to your fogged brain A big thank you to the lovely Goldie." ~Snowflake~

"Goldie saved my life." ~Freaked~

"The woman is good." ~JaneMarie~

"She's the best." ~Hunter~

"She really puts things in perspective. Love her!!!" ~alicat~

"I can't rate Goldie highly enough, it is worth the money for a one to one. Goldie I'm going to book another appointment with you for follow-up. One session like you is worth 20 with my therapist." ~Jax~

"We are so very blessed to have your wisdom and guidance in helping us grow and heal! Goldie, you have such a tremendous gift and we will be forever thankful that you have chosen to use it to help others recover from the devastation caused by our N/P experiences! You are a true Godsend! A bright shining light at the end of a long dark tunnel!" ~Much Love xo Willow~

"A big bravo to you Goldie! I have been here quite awhile now and I have NEVER seen any authentic members fail who have participated in your group! 100% success rate!!! A truly magnificent gift!" ~Janie53~

" Best decision joining Goldie's Support Group. The change in me was dramatic and quick. Moving forward in HUGE leaps and bounds. Group was a needed safe haven after the trauma of narc abuse. I have a real understanding that I didn't have before, on me and who I am. 4 months NC, it feels like longer, I feel indifference towards him now. Nowhere else can you receive support specifically targeted at moving fwd after a Narc relationship. Goldie is very smart, personable and funny, she also calls you out on your BS or stuff you're holding onto that keeps you from moving fwd! If you're thinking about it but nervous or not sure, just do it. I have made some friends for life. It was the best move I ever made to join the Support Group. I could have spent millions on therapists and wouldn't have made near the progress I have made with Goldie and my group buddies, :)"

"Honestly, Goldie's group is something I wish I can continuously revisit over and over. She's an Eagle. She pushes us eaglets out the nest. Don't worry she will swoop down and catch you before you SPLAT. She will repeat many times with patience until you get it. Eventually, Mother Eagle Goldie will let go and you will SOAR and didn't know you had it in you! Love you Goldie!!! I REALLY DO and the group!!!" ~L2A~

"I totally recommend Goldie's Support a Group to everyone and if you've been around a while and feel stuck, you want to move on, you do the reading etc but willing it to happen doesn't necessarily make it happen. And until you can tackle the real cause, nothing will happen. That's where I found the support group really helpful in challenging patterns of relationships. In talking to people working through the REAL stuff, the FOO stuff that unites us all. That's the key to the door." ~talktothehand

"Goldie's support group is the very best thing I have ever done for myself. I truly feel that my life might not have had any possibility of becoming rewarding, fulfilling, and happy without Goldie. I have seen many therapists, some very good, over the years, and not one has compared to Goldie. Her work is TARGETED. We get right to the point about how we ended up with a narc and how to move forward, immediately. I'm not saying it's easy; I'm saying she knows how to get you there. She completely understands how it feels as she herself has been through it- she pushes you to help yourself but is non judgmental and supportive. I haven't met anyone with her intuitive ability to read us through the phone line and figure out exactly what needs to be said. Friendships develop within the group. I have an understanding of how I got here and more importantly, where I'm headed. I have hope! Goldie's support group changed my life forever. I am so grateful I decided to sign up!" ~LisaD~

"I could have not gotten out of my relationship with my N without Goldie's group. It has been over 2 months now no contact and I am healthier and happier than ever. Hard days still, but it's manageable and before, it was not. You can do it - but you will need help from those who have been there." ~SkinnyBuffallo~

"I love this site. My one-on-one with Goldie was a God send and the hour with her was more helpful than 5 therapy sessions with 2 different therapists."

December 12, 2013 - 7:44pm

His ex wife emailed me a

His ex wife emailed me a letter like this. Almost word for word. I of course refused to believe her, due to the fact that he told me she had mental issues. I wish I would have believed her.

October 28, 2013 - 4:48pm

the ex girlfriend

i received a letter like this early on...i wish i had never shown it to HIM, he told all his friends after showing it to them, that i had written it to myself and how i was unstable!! but you have hit the nail on the head with this..its almost eerie how all of it is true for most of sad that there are such monsters among us, and the damage they do..

October 28, 2013 - 9:27pm (Reply to #78)

Did His EX send you this Letter?

Hi Blue Forever, sorry you ended up here, but welcome to the forum. You are among many others who share similar stories. Hope having this letter to re-read proves helpful in reminding you to remain 'no contact' when you have moments of cognitive dissonance.

Interesting how your EX responded by showing the letter you had received to his friends, and attributing the letter to YOU. This letter does illustrate how unhealthy & unstable a relationship inevitably becomes when with a person with NPD, that is true. But the 'unstable' person is your EX, and other Narcissists just like him. ( they always project negative behavior and responsibility for things going wrong on their partner )

I'm really curious to ask you tho, since you say that 'someone' gave YOU this letter ( or one like it ) ...did you ever find out who sent it to you? Was it his EX before you? I can imagine you regret showing it to him in hindsight...however, perhaps his actions caused you to see who & what he really was sooner than you might have otherwise...sparing you a longer and perhaps even more damaging relationship with him.

Best advice I can ever give you is to stay 'NC' no matter what. Thru bouts of cognitive dissonance and hoovers, be prepared to be strong. Time softens everything, the hurt eventually evolves and you will get to takes time. Give yourself all the time YOU need to heal, and take care of yourself like you would your best friend. If he should come around sniffing again or make grand romantic gestures and promises of 'change'...know they do not change. They do NOT change. Ever. Never!

Remember; Contact of any type with your EX will eventually always = Pain

The Narcissists Girlfriend

October 27, 2013 - 9:46am

This is about my ex too.

This is about my ex too. Fantastic! You describe the process brilliantly. I will refer back to this again and again whenever I need to be reminded of exactly who he really is. Thank you.

October 28, 2013 - 9:35pm (Reply to #75)

Hi Debi Darling :)

Glad this 'letter' helped you to see the same patterns in your own EX, and to know that they repeat their behavior in every relationship...stay strong, inform yourself, and stay are on a very personal journey, but one shared with many as you can see here on the forum.

((( hugs )))

The Narcissists Girlfriend

December 12, 2013 - 1:28am (Reply to #76)

Free at last...

What a letter..I would not have had the patience to write something that long..I find it easier to talk. In your letter there were sooo many referrals to my last 3 1/2 years with my ex N. I feel like writing to his new LOVE OF HIS LIFE, but i will pay for it. So i've made a decision that i cannot help anyone else while i am still hurting as bad as i am. Hopefully she is smarter than me and will work it out. My ex N i knew for 32 years before we started our relationship. Now i know that what i saw in that 32 years was the NICE GUY everyone thought he was and than i became the LOVE OF HIS LIFE, THE ONE HE ALWAYS DREAMT OF SPENDING HIS LIFE WITH, ETC ETC..You get the drift..He knew my brother who suicided, my son who died from cot death, that i had had a brain tumour removed and treated me with no respect what so ever, ripped my heart out, destroyed my soul and called me a sook.
Thankyou for your letter and thankyou for sharing your story.

Love to you xoxoxoxo

October 6, 2013 - 11:33am

Perfect description of a sick person!

I went thru the same role coaster with a "perfect' man for about a year, but I had the courage to look and find the reality pretty fast and when I told him I am braking up with him it was the best day in my last year! He transformed... I saw him ugly... and that was my closer! I played his game till the moment I "abandoned" him.
I did learned that if a man is too good to be true in the first week and he is soooo honest about his family and belongings and he let you see it all in the same week it's a super red flag, and lets not forget about flowers and gifts and loving to shop.
My advice is that the day you feel that something is wrong make sure you check his phone, you will have your answer ;)
One more... if they bring you a gift when things are not the same as before that means they are about to cheat on you.
if they check their phone every second they are getting ready for the next future girl friend... but they will tell you they love you and they want to be with you in the same time.
All I have to say is that STAY AWAY ...I know I will :)
Life is great if we choose to be happy and not with the wrong people that are sick!
I did my choice and I am better than ever and wiser.
The right man will always come for all of us, keep your heads up and never give up of who you are.

October 28, 2013 - 9:54pm (Reply to #73)

Hi FaithTrustLove

Love your forum name! :) I can tell you've been reading and informing yourself about NPD. You really 'get' it, and it seems like you are doing well. Stay strong, stay NC...Wishing you strength, peace & love on your path forward.


The Narcissists Girlfriend

September 10, 2013 - 3:41pm

So familiar!

Wow! I have tears in my eyes from reading this post, it captures everything perfectly. Wonderful letter.

September 26, 2013 - 3:37pm (Reply to #71)

Butterfly1313 :)

Glad this letter helped a little. They do not permanently change for anyone. They may tweak their behavior to individualize it a bit to fit each new OW's idea of her 'dream man'...long enough to bait & engage her...but it's all an act. We were all once the idealized shiney new GF...and just like me or you...someday she will be his latest then YOU will be merrily living a happier & healthier life...and she will be in your shoes :(

Big hugs to you!

The Narcissists Girlfriend

September 7, 2013 - 2:36pm

Perfect Letter -- Perfect Timing

We go through so many stages with these nutballs, that sometimes you forget . . . what an awesome letter and perfect timing for me to read it --- just learned of my exN getting married. . . . this is a great reminder of the disgusting, cruel, inhumane abuse these Ns puts you through -- Very grateful for helping me snap out of my pity party!!!


September 26, 2013 - 3:20pm (Reply to #69)

They Don't Change for the New GF

Hi Getting Better,

I'm glad this 'letter' helped you see things more clearly. You are right that relationships with these disordered/dysfunctional Narcs goes thru 'stages'...and it takes us a while to sort it out as we recover. Even when we are past acceptance & firmly NC, it's still often hurtful to imagine they might be with someone new ( 'better' perhaps? ) and that they are somehow 'changed' and happier. Hopefully you are able to see that no one makes them 'happier' or is any 'better' than you. They are not inspired by some matter how pretty or 'special' she might seem in the early stage of a new relationship. She is just new, and his mask is on and he is totally smitten...with HIMSELF! She is unaware of his true nature...just exactly as YOU were in the beginning of your relationship with him...When we see our EX acting all excited and 'in-love' with a new is only the idealization phase...and he follows a pattern...just like he did with you. No more or less.

Someday she will get glimpses of the real character underneath the pretense and things will begin to unravel...he will devalue HER for seeing the real 'him' and no longer reflecting back to him the perfect image of himself that he wants to see.

The Narcissists Girlfriend

August 12, 2013 - 8:02pm

This is one of my favorite

This is one of my favorite things I've read on the site - "Don't waste another minute trying to change him. Change YOU...and your whole world will begin to change in the most delightful ways!" So simple but so powerful. And so very true. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

September 7, 2013 - 7:18am (Reply to #64)

We were all 'The New Girlfriend' too.

Hi ItsFinallyTime!... sorry I missed your comment. I am glad this story has helped others see the cycle more clearly and helped some get thru that difficult stage when we wonder if our EX will be happier or treat the new GF better...etc.

Just like we are all the 'Other Woman' , we were all at one time the 'New Girlfriend' too. It's a guarantee that sooner or later she will be in our shoes. The cycle with these destructive creeps continues until they die. I know a Narc in his late 70's who is still at it! Such a total doofus! After a while you will find these idiots so boring & disgusting that you'll avoid them like the plague! :D

The Narcissists Girlfriend

September 7, 2013 - 8:03am (Reply to #65)

The Narcissists

I love your piece as well. I just had a laugh reading your response above. It made me think of the kids song Old Shoes, New Shoes.... A sad, but true reality!

Stay true to you!

September 26, 2013 - 3:45pm (Reply to #66)

Hi Janie53!

Oh goodness, so sorry I missed your post! YOU are one of my favorites :) ( all the Mods are :) and I just want to thank you for all the insight & encouragement you share with everyone here too. I'm glad you found this letter to the new GF helpful.

'Old shoes~new shoes'. Yep! That about sums it up. Eventually those new shoes will get worn out too... :)


The Narcissists Girlfriend

September 26, 2013 - 7:56pm (Reply to #67)


Thank you for such a lovely compliment, but just to clarify, I'm not a mod, but I am committed to helping others move forward and away from the world of narcissism, to the world of inner peace.

Thanks again,

Stay true to you!
Old shoes (Janie)

July 17, 2013 - 7:11pm

Wow, wow and wow!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a fascinating, true and complete narrative! I lived all this! I mean all of it!! That is why I find
it so amazingly cool! From how he would come home smelling of sex to how he drastically changed and I mean all of it!! I cried every day. I wondered "where is the love."
I think about his new girlfriend and what the poor girl is in for. My husband is 75 years old.
Girlfriend is 30. I should say my estranged husband. I left him one month ago.
I have scheduled the movers and packers. He is into hovering. Too bad because I learned that it was not a complement. It was all about power and control. I went back to
him once in the past and it was worse than ever. These men are evil. They have no souls. They are pathetic people. They are DEMONIC. Sex is huge with them. Therefore, major cheating is the name of the game. They live to have sex. I have nothing against sex. What I am struggling to say is that the sex is never about making love to you. To them you are just a toilet. Forgive my being so crass. Sex is just not a soulful experience for them no matter how they
pretend that it is. There is no sense of commitment. They cannot committ. They are incapable of
doing so. I went to the doc and got tested for STDs. Also, had a complete liver panel. They are
high risk people. They scour the Internet looking for new supply every night if possible.
If you are reading this GET OUT while you can. I am in counseling as I was with him for three years. Thank you for reading this and may you benefit from this awesome site.

August 9, 2013 - 7:01am (Reply to #62)

The 'Letter to the New Girlfriend' was not meant for her... :)

Was not actually written for her...but for all of my sisters who find themselves here on this forum in the aftermath of a relationship with their own Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. It is a basic account of my own past relationship with my EXN...and goes thru the basic patterns of behaviors that many/most of these guys do...

It was written to help myself...and each one of you precious see the patterns and understand that they do not...cannot...& never will change.

I am happy each time you write to share part of your own journey and to know this lengthy ( somewhat tedious :) missive has helped you recognize once and for all...who and what they they operate...and how there is nothing you can do or say to change them...

The acceptance stage was very long & painful for me too. But I can happily tell you that you'll get past it...YOU are worth it! There is no changing them...ever...but there IS a miraculous lovely wonderful change in unexpected gift...for be found in this often painful journey.

Don't waste another minute trying to change him. Change YOU...and your whole world will begin to change in the most delightful ways! :)


The Narcissists Girlfriend

July 9, 2013 - 7:07pm

Thank you

This was a life saver today. The story sounds like mine without the physical abuse and porn. But still all in all he is a NARC. The kissing non stop, holding my hand in the car, all of it. And now I am the crazy ex who he played perfectly to fit that role. They make us that way then play they are the victim. I just found out mine even lied about how his father died and all the abuse. Every word was a lie nothing true. The more i find out the more I cry and become overwhelmed.

This letter is exactly what I wish I could say to his new gf. and I wish someone had realized he was a narc and said it to me. I was obsessing today about the new gf and what they must be doing. This cleared my mind and put it in perspective. Thank you xxxoo

June 24, 2013 - 12:13pm

This is Spot-On, Brilliant, Articulate: A Must Read!!!!!!!

I hope this letter is included in the Blog Topics or highlighted in some way. This is a Must-Read for all of us.

Unlike many women and the writer of this letter, I was not love-bombed. The idealization stage for me was sort of skipped over. I went straight into providing supply without the initial attempt to conquest. I try to tell myself I'm one of the luckier ones as I didn't fall from the romantic pedestal but it still hurts that he never even bothered to idealize me, just used control, manipulation, etc. I was giving and he was taking, occasionally throwing a crumb or two but they were minuscule. At least you and the other women could plead ignorance, etc. I cannot. Mine was so obvious that in retrospect, I think it was this mask that weirdly enough blinded me. He was mean to me because of "other" issues...but, no, he's just a lazy, cheap N.

The "Psycho" Ex is an absolute giveaway or tell. If any OW or woman out there googles "Psycho Ex" I hope they find themselves here. He told me out of the gate that his soon-to-be (very soon too) ex-wife was "Psycho." Not "emotionally unstable," not "selfish," not "clingy." PSYCHO. Where do they pick up this word and why do they continue to use it so casually? I sensed something amiss.

Maybe that it is why I wasn't properly idealized (probably flattering myself). I did ask tough questions in the very beginning. I didn't interrogate but whenever he claimed the ex was "Psycho" I came back with. This is one of our earliest convos (think 4th date). I replay this a lot in my head both in shock and awe.

Me: "So what happened to your marriage? What was she like?"
Narc: "She's a psycho."
Me: "So was she committed?"
Narc: "Well, no."
Me: "Has she been diagnosed with psychological problems?"
Narc: "No."
Me: "Is she on any medication? Anti-depressants...?"
Narc: "No."
Me sitting there thinking...dangerous, I know.
Me: "Then what do you mean she's a psycho?"
Narc: "She just is, you know."
Me: "Then why does she have custody of your son?"
Narc: "She's a good Mom."
Me: "But you think she's a psycho?"
Narc: (Uncomfortable...shifting in seat) "She was a psycho being married to her. I think she's a good Mom."
Me: "Can you give me an example of her being psycho?"
Narc: "Um...just they way she was. With money. She's obsessed with money. She had a screwed up childhood. Her Mom has been institutionalized. And her Dad..."(he proceeded to tell me about meeting his father-in-law for the first time the night before their wedding and the FIL was vulgar.
Me: "So she has a family history of mental issues?"
Narc: (face brightens) "Yes! Yes, she does." (Proceeds to tell me more about her unstable childhood).
Me: (Contemplating--feel bad for her why doesn't he?) "Then why did you marry her? Knowing all that? You did know?"
Narc: "I did know"
Me: "Knowing all this, why did you marry her?"
Narc: "What do you mean?"
Me: "Why did you marry her if you knew she had mental problems? You dated for a year..."
Narc: "I don't know."
Me: "You don't know!?!" No response. "Did you love her?"
Narc: (Weird expression) "I don't know. I guess..."
Me: (Incredulous!) "You guess?"
Narc: "I don't want to talk about it."
Me: "It wasn't a shotgun wedding. You didn't have to marry her and if you thought she was psycho then why did you?"
Narc: "I didn't think she was psycho then."
Me: "But you think she's psycho now?"
Narc: "Yes."
Me: "What about your son? Are you worried for him?"
Narc: "Sometimes. I think overall she's a good mother. But, yes, I worry about him too. That's why I need to see him."
Me: "I guess I'm trying to understand what you mean by psycho. I haven't heard anything specific. Did she throw things? Did she have meltdowns?"
Narc: "She was just weird about some things. She cries a lot if I try to work things out with her."
Me: "She cries?"
Narc: "Yes. She can't have a conversation about anything."

We arrived at our destination but something felt off. He's crazy about his son so I couldn't make psycho = good Mom.

A week or two later I questioned as to what made him leave. BTW...he left her with a 10-month son and he's Catholic.

Narc: "I was just tired of trying to make it work. I had been miserable for years."
Me: "But what specifically happened to make you leave. That's a huge decision. Something must have triggered it."
Narc: "It had gotten really bad. Really bad."
Me: "In what way?"
Narc: "All of it."
Me: "But what finally got you to pack your things and go?"
Narc: "It ended over chicken casserole."
Me: "Chicken casserole!?!" I laugh. I continue to laugh. "No, seriously. I've heard some crazy things but what do you mean it ended over chicken casserole."
Narc: (he's not amused) "Well, she had a job and needed to leave me alone with our son for the weekend. That same weekend my Mom came out to visit. She was pretty depressed so she wasn't much help. Between my Mom and my son I hardly slept, I was exhausted, but I did everything to make everyone happy. I was pretty proud of myself actually."
Me: "Get to the chicken casserole."
Narc: "Ex left me pre-cooked food in the fridge so I wouldn't have to worry about fixing anything while she was gone. I didn't eat much because I was stressed out." (To be fair his son had a minor physical condition that required daily therapy from the parents. Narc said he did it because ex couldn't handle it. I grant him this and a small pass as it is a bit more complex than just an average baby)
Me: "Soooo?"
Narc: "Ex comes home after my Mom had just left. She walks in. Doesn't ask me how I'm doing or how the weekend went. Just went into the kitchen, opened the fridge and saw the chicken casserole still sitting there unopened."
Me: "Aaaand?"
Narc: "She turned and looked at me and said, 'You didn't eat the chicken casserole I left for you." I said, "No. I didn't.' She walked out of the kitchen and in that moment I just knew I couldn't stay with her any longer. I packed a couple of bags, called my friends and left that morning."
Me: "You left over chicken casserole?"
Narc: "Not over chicken casserole. I just felt like she didn't care about me or what I had been through while she was gone. I hadn't been alone with our son like that before and my Mom made it really tough. Ex didn't care about how I felt or how hard of a time it had been for me."
Me: "I've heard of the straw but never the chicken casserole that broke the camel's back."
Narc; "I knew in that moment I couldn't keep on. I had to leave. I felt terrible but I had to do it."
Me: (Laughing) "Wow! Really? That's all there was to it?"
Narc: "No, it was years of it not working. It just came down to that moment I guess."

I interpreted the Ex as unappreciative, self-involved, insensitive and emotionally manipulative (crying at conflict). But the story still bugged me. It didn't add up.

Over the ensuing months, I dug at it with him as more of THEIR story came to light.

One of the red flags he freely admitted to was that the Ex paid for everything. The total down payment on their home. Her career had taken off and I could tell he had mixed emotions about that. One one hand, she was making very good $ so the burden was off of him, but I could sense envy and resentment underneath the surface too. He downplayed her ability but admitted she was good at what she did too.

Meanwhile, this is man who never took me out on a proper date. He didn't buy me a frickin cappuccino. I took him to dinner and drinks and later that night when I suggested we get a gelato and sit outside he ducked into the bathroom after I ordered. I can count on one hand and not all 5 fingers the times he self-elected to treat me. He was all too eager and quite content to let me pay my share or both. Towards the end, he turned to me in line at an event and said in a peppy voice, "Wanna buy me a drink?" I was floored. He's a 46-year-old man. Granted, he didn't have much money but he had enough to be less of a mooch.

I started to put 2 + 2 together. Here's a man who was okay with the wife as breadwinner (modern man or misogynist) but I sensed resentment too. I started to wonder...I just realized the length and breadth of this so I'm going to leave this for now and return to my normal schedule. Free Me suggested I write My Story and looking back on this maybe I should...more to come later...

Anyway, this letter is something all women should read. We misjudge the Exes when there are always two-sides to the story. We need to listen with better ears and see with clearer eyes then to assume we are getting the gospel from someone who clearly cannot take any personal responsibility.

June 8, 2013 - 4:02pm


That's how it goes. To a T. Good job girl. I loved all of it, one of my favorite parts, "You see rainbows and sunshine and shooting stars. But you have no idea how thin that air will get one day." SUFFOCATING. You will dream of never being near him again, then miss him when he's gone. Pathetic. It's an ailment. So glad you wrote this. Thank you :)))

June 5, 2013 - 10:56am

Thank you :)

I LOVE this letter. I felt like I was reading my own life story. The beginning of my relationship went the same exact way. Every one of his ex's treated him bad and took advantage of him and he was just this good guy ugh. I was the one for him and he wished that he met me before all the other ones because I was perfect for him and he met the one lol (I gotta laugh to keep from crying over this). Then all of a sudden his true colors came out I was thinking what the hell smh. Then EVERYTHING became my fault him not paying his bills and coming close to loosing his house (my fault) not moving in so he can save his house (my fault even though he knew I wouldn't move in because when we would come over and we would get in an argument he would say to me you and the kids can get the fuck out). Him losing his jobs (my fault) his cheating (my fault), and the list goes on and on about how things were my fault.

I was a jealous bitch because I didn't think that he should be giving his number out to random women on fb. I was insecure because he wanted a 2nd girlfriend because he was too much for one woman (his words). When he would get angry he would punch holes in his doors, throw furniture, he broke his bat in half and taped it back together, he punched himself in the head and would always claim suicide. One time he told me I will slit my wrist and write your name on my wall with my blood before I die. And ALL of this was my fault. I was an emotional wreck. I met a couple of his ex's including his ex wife which was a total bitch (his words) and she wasn't. Actually as the relationship moved forward he would tell me that I'm just like his ex wife.

I would be called a dumb bitch, a stupid bitch. He would talk about my kids and would say that he sees no good in them. The first time he left he would sit outside my apt all night and call my phone back to back and bang on my door because I refused to talk to him. I took him back 3 times and he cheated on me 4 times. I regret going back all those times.

I finally had enough courage to break it off FINALLY :). It was a bitter sweet moment and I have my ups and downs but now I'm the ex just like you described in your letter. He says that I'm a jealous bitch and I tried to control him and he tried to give me the world and was more of a father to my kids smh. If this new girl only knew the truth. It's hard for me to believe that he will do the same thing to her though. I don't know I have my struggles with this still even though I made the right decision. I go to therapy for it now and my children go to because unfortunately they were exposed to this nonsense because I thought I was "in love". I'm learning from my mistakes and I am very grateful for this support site. Sorry for the long reply lol and I just wanted to thank you again for sharing this letter.

May 28, 2013 - 3:46pm


This is truly incredible. I am kinda speechless. I'm sure everyone of us on here, feel that this 'is our letter/story'

April 26, 2013 - 7:54pm


WOW! This is basically what happened to me!! P*rn was a big time thing..I'd find him passed out completely bare in the closet on the floor with HIGHLY inappropriate sites still rolling...laptops destroyed from viruses due to all his "activity"... I was pregnant and had pre eclampsia and he blamed me for not giving him enough s*x (that's why he turned to p*rn he said)** MUCH more crazy inappropriate things he has done that are just too obscene to mention!!** .. He cheated on me during pregnancy with a woman who has a felony for attempted murder (She was his patient, I was as well)..and they're still together today as "happy" as ever...I guess they're meant for each other because he's been recently charged with drug trafficking and will probably become a felon himself pretty soon!

May 24, 2013 - 9:11pm (Reply to #55)

Same thing!

GOOD! Couldn't happen to a nicer Narc! I hope mine finds his way out of my child's life that way(not that he is even in it-he is just now starting to crawl out from under the rock he's been hiding under for a 1 1/2 years). I too found out he is living with a convicted felon drug dealer that was distributing out of her house. Mr. Ivy League goes to this? I am so disgusted and just plain mad! How does a narc that cares about how others view him go with someone with that kind of baggage. It doesn't fit the image. HOWEVER, he is living in her house and driving her car and....Geez....I think I am beginning to slip. I was doing so well! Uggg. Help!

April 20, 2013 - 3:19pm

NG, This Letter Is A Blessing

I recently discovered that the guy I was involved with is a Narcissist and I, like so many others on this site were left wondering if he's having a "grand old time" with the new woman in his life. This letter helped me see that although she may see things as a bed of roses now and he's putting her up on a pedestal at first, the illusion is going to disappear and she's going to see him for the person he really is.

I have to remind myself that he's HER problem now. Not mine. Although I do feel pity for her because she has no idea what she's in for.

April 21, 2013 - 1:41am (Reply to #52)


Its taken me almost 2 years out to say that we've had a lucky escape.

I have recently had knowledge of my ex's new relationship and am astounded to find that not only is he buying her a crazy amount of gifts / holidays etc after only 3 months together, but he's already let his mask slip and I can tell that shes spinning like crazy wondering how this charming, generous soulmate (her words) can become snappy, impatient, swearing and cursing around her children, controlling, manipulative.

Its all there.

And so fast???????

I didn't believe it when others said its always the same with new supply, but now I really get it.

Me having this information (from her FB) goes against everything we stand for here I know, but I'm really glad I've seen what I've seen because only now do I understand it wasn't personal. It wasn't about me. It's him. Maybe now (NO, DEFINITELY now), I can allow my self esteem back.

I was concerned I was getting hooked on following this drama, and I was for a short time. I have had to work on stopping looking. I know there will be times when I don't see such reassuring evidence and I will feel pain, so I have stopped getting involved now. True NC at last.

You are right, it IS her problem now. I genuinely wish I could save the pain for her and her children, but as NG so beautifully writes... we can't.

It will happen for them, Kitty, it was never you.


April 21, 2013 - 4:10am (Reply to #53)

You don't know how much your words mean to me...

I had been in NC right after the breakup in February, I kept dwelling on what he might be doing with the new woman and I slipped with NC in March and sent him a text and called him. He treated me like crap. I immediately went NC again. I have my ups and downs still and even now I think about the new woman..excuse me new supply. So whenever I do that, I'll just come here and re-read this letter to help me snap out of it and put things in perspective.

March 15, 2013 - 12:52am

A Letter to the New Girlfriend

With permission from Goldie, here is the link to the original 'letter':

The Narcissists Girlfriend

April 13, 2013 - 1:37am (Reply to #49)

Regarding The New Girlfriend

There will come a time when you no longer care that he has a new GF...and you'll realize there were may have been many OW, before-during, and after your relationship with him. You may even laugh at the thought of how pathetic he really is.

I'm there :) And it feels good. Just wanted to encourage the newbies, and those who may be stuck at this stage. Someone requested this *letter*. Hope it helps get you over this hurdle & that you understand that no one before or after you is 'better' or 'more' or 'perfect' for him. He is the same and the cycle is the same in every relationship he has with one or a hundred OW.

The Narcissists Girlfriend

April 13, 2013 - 2:15am (Reply to #50)

NG, thank you! Love you for this!!

It was me who requested a copy of this MASTERPIECE! :) (it truly is.)

I've been working hard on things this past week. Was on a downer having heard of his new relationship. However, I AM laughing now!!!

I know some will shout me down for this, and I don't recommend it to everyone, but I have been doing my own detective work... Charlies Angels welcome your new recruit (erm... showing my age now!)

I understand all the reasons to stop looking and I agree with them, but in this case what I have found has put all my fears to rest, so I kind of feel I was meant to know.

I wont go into detail out of respect for the poor girl who is having her life turned upside down. But...

They have been together 2 months, shes younger than his estranged daughter, has 3 kids and a severe disability, doesn't work, lives in a too small flat. He is totally LOVEBOMBING her, with expensive gifts and holidays he cannot afford as he has lost his job. She is ecstatic and fakebooking by the hour about how amazing her new soulmate is and how awesome he is with the kids! (WTF??? NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS!!!)

Now, first let me assure you I am not putting a lesser value on this young lady because of her circumstances. Not at all. She sounds like a really lovely person who thinks all her and her children's dreams have finally come true.

I am horrified.

What we have here is, correct me if I am wrong, a classic narc whose own dream has definitely come true. He has found a sweet girl in a very vulnerable position, he is loading her with gifts way beyond the normal expectations of a 2 month relationship... HUGE RED FLAG!

I am genuinely concerned for her, but know theres nothing I can do. Maybe selfishly though, this has put so much in perspective for me.

Only now can I see that he did all these things to me and I see that it was not love, just a means to a roof over his heartless little head.

Yes, I'm happier that my fog is clearing. No, I'm not happy that another innocent family is about to be destroyed. But I am writing this update to reinforce what those in the know have been telling us here.

The cycle, the cruelty, the ALL ABOUT ME ME ME... its everlasting.

I am praying for her.

Hugs to you all. xoxox

March 8, 2013 - 7:47am

unbelievable how all these stories are the same

I thought I was alone for so long; until I learned last month about this site. I posted my story yesterday and just the highlights because cataloging all the terrible things he did to me, including having sex with two of us in the same day (I found out later, he must have taken such sick pleasure in that act). So much of everyone's stories ring true. How many narcs are really out there in the world? Can I not throw a stone without hitting one?

My family all wants me to get over him. I am over the real him, but like the other women on the forum, it is hard to let go of the fake him. I'm grieving a passionate love that thought I'd found and am so afraid I'll never find again. I want to feel strong enough not to need to grieve. I'm stuffing it down for fear that it will send me into the rabbit hole of sadness again.

It's so hard to not be in control of the message. Our professional circles overlap and he is the king of the hill in this town. No one knows what a sinister mess he is behind the scenes. Ugh.

March 15, 2013 - 12:55am (Reply to #47)

Hi 2ndtimeftw

So sorry for the reasons that you found yourself here...but glad that you DID find this website. You will find much support and information that will help you. One thing for are not alone here.

Hugs xo

The Narcissists Girlfriend

February 28, 2013 - 9:15pm

Bookmarked this too

I can't stop reading this site, since I found it last week.

My ex boyfriend N, did not do any of the above. He wasn't physically abusive at all. In fact, he didn't have any affection at all. I was the one who initiated the first kiss, sex, etc. He never told me he loved me or was falling in love with me. I never saw his place, met his friends. Yet I was distant and not confident and the list goes on.

I should have listened to my friend who said he is too good to be true, a few months after we started to date. And everyone who met HIM! So many unknowns about him. A big mystery! I was in a fog for sure, the man of my dreams showed up when I wasn't looking.

I definitely would want to be contacted by the EX. Most people aren't aware of narcissism in a relationship, I don't think? Until you start reading. And I don't think most women are going to put themselves out there to say look out he is bad news!

March 6, 2013 - 11:21pm (Reply to #45)

Hi Doggirl I know what you mean

I totally get what you mean about reading the posts here. It is so helpful to be informed about the traits and behavior of NPD.

Not all narcs are violent. But MANY are abusive in other ways. Even when someone diminishes you in any way...that can be abuse. It's not always visible.

I am sorry you had a relationship with a narcissist, but glad you found yourself here so you could find the information and support you will need to begin to heal.

Keep reading! And stay NC! Remember ' Contact = pain

The Narcissists Girlfriend

February 28, 2013 - 3:16pm

Quite simply THANK YOU for

Quite simply THANK YOU for sharing this.

March 6, 2013 - 11:24pm (Reply to #43)

You're welcome, Don'tlookback

Big hugs xo

The Narcissists Girlfriend

February 20, 2013 - 7:43pm


This is FREAKING outstanding!!!!

March 6, 2013 - 11:31pm (Reply to #41)

Hey! Sickofhim!

Glad to know it was helpful. Think both of us 'old timers' have come a long way! Nice to be able to contribute something that resonates with others. BTW Miss 'Sickofhim' :) You freaking ROCK girl!


The Narcissists Girlfriend

February 20, 2013 - 7:51pm (Reply to #40)

Yes, it is! I keep reading!

Yes, it is! I keep reading!

February 3, 2013 - 5:27pm

Again, I thank you

for this.

Heard he has a new victim a few days back and I've been in a spin, monopolizing posts on here, full of cog dis, wondering what shes got that I haven't.

Then I decided to re-read this amazing work, I have it saved. Wish I'd re-read it sooner.

I've been paranoid like crazy since I heard about NW, knowing all the shit he'l be filling her head with about me, just like he did with me about his ex-wife. Got to a point I don't want to leave the house.

But reading this makes it all ok.

Its what he does. Its what he will always do.

Poor unsuspecting girl. (For she IS only a girl). Young, naive, trusting, and feeling like a princess.

I will pray for her.

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