Newlife2013's Story

10 Months Later, Still Doubting Myself

Hello Everyone,

I'm so grateful for this site and the book. While much of the stuff doesn't fit my ex, much of it does and I think it is safe to say he has enough narcissistic tendencies to make relationship problems for some time to come. Reading through everyone's stories has made me feel for the first time in a little over a year that maybe how this whole "relationship" went had very little to do with me after all. THAT has been the BIGGEST relief.

I was in a relationship with the Narc for 1 year and 4 months. Admittedly, I wasn't in the best spot when I first met him. I had been dating someone else for nearly 8 years, living with him for 2. He was NOT a narc. He was actually a nice, even-keel person but was into light recreational drug/alcohol use and I just couldn't respect it. We simply led different lifestyles. For the last 2 years being around Mr. Nice, we were essentially roommates...we slept in separate bedrooms and would watch TV together at times. That was about it. That's when I met the Narc. A friend of mine who had gone to high school with him introduced us. She told him about me and he looked me up on Facebook that very night. We traded some really great e-mails. He seemed eager to open up. I learned almost right away (and this should have been a red flag) that his father was verbally and physically abusive to him as well as being an alcoholic in his younger years. At first, I thought he was just an open, sensitive guy. Now I believe he was using his display of vulnerability (as well as his musical talents) to try to reel me in and get me to be just as vulnerable...and it worked. Later on, he ended up using things I told him about previous relationships and my own less-than-perfect childhood against me.

Anyways, I was probably more starved for affection and attention than I realized. I hadn't had sex or heard a romantic word in more than two years. It was just a weird but comfortable situation with Mr. Nice. The Narc was like a white knight in shining armor. He accepted my situation and still wanted to get to know me. We had quite a bit in common. Despite these things, I still had reservations about him. On our first date, he seemed quite immature. My first impression of him on our first date was that he seemed more like a 10 year old at times in his demeanor (making special effects noises, a little hyper, socially inept, dressed in jeans and a concert t-shirt at 37 years of age for a first date). At dinner, he didn't ask anything about me or my family. I figured that was because we covered a lot of it in emails. But as time grew on, I noticed he didn't really get to know my friends and family very well either....it was all on the surface. Our first dinner consisted of a conversation about bed bugs (he was taking some sort of college class and was learning about various vermin). When we got back to his place (which was exceedingly messy and not very welcoming to guests at all), he proceeded to tell me about how his father did this, that, and the other thing to him and favored his brother (later on I found out in a "by the way fashion" that this story he first told me to make me feel bad for him did NOT contain all the pertinent details and that his father was well within his rights for asking for what he asked for). One thing he asked me on our first date was if I had ever been in love before. I truthfully answered that I had been once. And he said (as he sat cross-legged next to me, not making eye contact and kind of rocking back and forth like a child), "I think you're going to feel love again." I thought that was an odd statement and it made me feel uncomfortable. So I left. He wrote me a nice email that was waiting for me when I got home that said he had a good time and would like to see me again.

I proceeded to run the first date by my mother and my friends, the friend who had set us up, too. The general consensus was that he was a nice guy but just acting dorky because he was nervous. I didn't want to be one of those girls that didn't give a nice guy a chance so I agreed to go out with him again. I began to see more and more charming qualities about him, mostly boyish in nature. And boy, he really put the full court press on me. Flowers. Dinners. He is a musician so he recorded a song for me. Playing the guitar for me. Writing me romantic emails and texts. Telling me he loved me after only a month and a half. Telling my friends (and his) he wanted to marry me after two. I did not give in so easily. I felt like such things shouldn't be discussed so early on...ESPECIALLY since he didn't have a job at the time. Yes, when I met him he was not employed. Actually, there has only been one job in all his now 39 years on the face of this earth that he has kept for over 3 years. Anyways...it was a whirlwind. He insisted on meeting everyone and anyone that had to do with my life and he seemed exceedingly concerned with making a good impression. He helped my sister with some computer issues she was having. He gave my father spare computer parts. He befriended my best friends on Facebook and had chats with them. Everything seemed too good to be true. And it was.

The majority of the time we were together he didn't have a job. That didn't stop him from paying from things, but I paid for many things too. I now know I have codependent tendencies and as such, I was overly generous. But I really did fall for him and just thought...hey, we are both in our late 30s. That's old enough to know what we want and we love each other so it's all good. We did have our problems. He was on high blood pressure medication so there were some physical performance issues in the bedroom. I now suspect that perhaps those performance issues have more to do with just high blood pressure after all I've read. He didn't tell me about this beforehand and when things weren't "working out" in that arena all the time, I tried to discuss things with him. He pulled the sheets up to under his chin after the third time we were having troubles when I finally decided to mention it. He looked like a deer in headlights and just didn't seem to want to respond. I felt bad for that...I thought it was my approach. He just seemed super sensitive to discussing any area that needed work or compromise between us. Or he just internalized things and wouldn't discuss them at all. I went to leave because he just wouldn't say a word (it was so strange and immature). That's when he followed me down the hallway and decided to talk to me. So we worked that issue out.

There were other smaller issues, though. At first it seemed like he was willing to discuss them. Then he became increasingly withdrawn. He made me feel like a nag. I don't know..maybe I was. I doubt myself so much after all I've been through. Still, I felt like finally I could be myself and be loved for me. I had no idea such a storm was brewing.

I ended up revamping his resume mid-2011. I also did mock interviews with him after it became clear that the things he was saying in these interviews were things employers generally don't want to hear. I found him 2 jobs. The first one he didn't stay at for too long because it truly didn't pay him too much. But the second job was a really good one working for the state. He didn't think he was going to get it. He always seemed to have low self esteem and I was always boosting him up. One of the questions I had asked him is if he was prone to melancholy. That's when he revealed that he had been in counseling for 2 years prior to me. I was shocked. I wavered back in forth in between thinking that that was noble of him and that he had real issues. I asked why he had been in for so long. It had been because he and his first girlfriend (of 6 years) didn't work out and he felt it was because of him and his "negative attitude" he had inherited from his father. He pointed out things/techniques his therapist had taught him. I asked him some more about his relationship history. When we first got together, he had been seeing someone. He had been seeing her on and off for 6 years! I didn't want to be the other woman. Now, I'm wondering if I am. I knew he had been seeing her but he had told me they were both on dating sites (I did confirm this so he wasn't lying). I did think it was odd that after he cancelled the last date they had (he said he didn't want to go because all he would be doing is thinking about me) she hung up on him. I also thought it was odd that he received a card from her the first Christmas we were together that said "wish things were different" (I saw it in the trash). I thought it odd that he wouldn't tell her he was seeing me (he claimed she would go nuts and show up at his door). He was mostly quiet about his previous relationships. But I do know ALL of them were long term and on/off. He never seemed to take responsibility for any of them except for his first one...the one that landed him in counseling. In the end, he told me he couldn't be with her because she wouldn't believe the changes he had made...and she wanted to live in the country (something he knew about her when they first started seeing each other but continued anyways??). The second one was on and off for 3 years. He ended things with her because she was legally separated and not divorced (another thing he had known when they first got involved). I didn't even know about the second one...I learned this after our breakup and from our mutual friend. The third one was the one he was seeing when he first met me. They were on and off for 6 years due to "doubts on her part." She dumped him 4 times. And kept coming back. I did speak with this ex after the breakup and she confirmed this as truth. Her words to me were, "He's not really a liar. He just can't handle difficult situations." That's an understatement. He ended up walking away from her because he felt she was being fake just to make it seem like they had things all squared away and everything in common. He said he felt like just a placeholder for her and she would marry anyone. I kept pushing him about this statement and their relationship because it just didn't add up but he was very ambiguous and ended up getting irritated with my line of questioning so I just ended the conversation. At one point, he mimicked the way his ex-girlfriends sound when they cried. That should have been a red flag, too. But I thought that maybe he had learned something in all this counseling. He didn't.

When he got that second job, things seemed to change. He became withdrawn. Stressed. He kept saying he didn't have as much free time and it was really wearing on him. He was going to online college at the time. Additionally, he acted as if I was putting more stress on him because now I was discussing marriage. I didn't think it was ok to discuss before because he didn't have a job. Why put the cart before the horse? Now, he had a job, it was 10 months into our relationship, I thought it was ok to bring up, and I was so excited for our future together. I felt since he had been discussing it, it would be safe for me to discuss it, too. Wrong. My friends were bringing it up to him, also....very casually and in a teasing, playful way. That seemed to stress him out even more. In the time he was unemployed, I had mentioned how he could use the time to clean up all the extraneous clutter in his place to get ready to move in together (something else he had brought up first). We actually got in an argument about it--he said he didn't have the time (he was unemployed, he had all the time in the world??). Later on, he apologized and said he was supposed to move in with his recent ex but at the last minute she said no so he is now gunshy about doing such things (not sure why he brought it up to begin with, then). In all the time we were together, he never did work on getting his place ready to rent to someone so we could move in together...even though it was his grand idea to begin with and he talked about it several times.

Then he began to withdraw sexually. I felt like it was me. He said it wasn't. He became really selfish in bed and not caring about my needs at all. Before, he was so attentive. It was like a 180. As a celebration for his new job offer, I took him on a weekend getaway to his favorite lake. Both nights he was selfish in bed. I said nothing the first night but the second night, I was so frustrated that I did. He got so upset with me for saying something (said I ruined his time at his favorite lake) that the next morning, he refused to speak to me. He insisted on checking out early. I got the silent treatment all the way home. When we got back to my place, he dumped me. I was totally blindsided. I thought it was just an argument. Turns out, it was the beginning of the manipulation. I was shocked. I did cry but told him that if he wanted to leave, I wasn't going to stop him. He never walked out the door. We ended up working it out but it was too late--he found my trigger. From that point forward, whenever I said or did something he didn't like or hurt his feelings, he would simply break up with me. If I gave in and said "fine, go" he'd turn around and say, "What?! You're giving up on us?" The breakups would never last for more than a few hours but still...they were emotionally devastating to me and they eroded my self-esteem.

He broke up with me for so many trivial things. One night I can remember was around the time he started counseling again. He said he felt like he was slipping back into his "old ways" and needed to go back. I had a sense of foreboding about that but wasn't about to stop him. He broke up with me this particular evening because when he had returned from counseling, he said he had something he needed to talk to me about. This was on a Thurs. and he said he wanted to talk on Sat. I had been broken up with so many times by this point I felt anxious. I asked him what the jist of the conversation would be. He refused to give it as if it were some big mystery. I asked if he was unhappy and he said yes. So I asked one more time just for the general jist so I wouldn't be so anxious the next two days. He exploded on me...screamed into the phone that I was controlling and toxic. He had mentioned several times he felt controlled (I never told him what to do ever and I never mistrusted him), depression, pressure and oppression. He had started to say during our arguments that he no longer wanted to marry me but refused to give any reasons why (except to say "look at our parents" (our parents are both divorced--so?) or "I'm not afraid of conflict or marriage, I'm afraid of divorce." He stopped talking and trying to work things out. I used to try to email him things to be less confrontational but he "never had enough time" to read the emails. He became more and more withdrawn and more and more hypersensitive. I can remember him taking any little request or need or discussion as criticism.

But the worst part of things were his rages. I read a lot on borderline personality disorder and I guess BPD and narcissism can go hand and hand sometimes. Unfortunately, I see both in him. After the first breakup, the second one, 11 months into our relationship...was one of the scariest. He got angry because I was irritated with him for something so trivial. My dishwasher had overflowed and I had a flat tire. He wanted to go motorcycle riding. I wasn't going to be ready soon enough because of these disasters. He had dropped off a shop vac to me some time ago and I used it to clear up the dishwasher issue but didn't know how to empty it. He said he would have some lunch and be right up. I could tell he was aggravated because we weren't going to be able to ride for as soon or as long as he waned to. Two hours passed. I texted him to tell him I figured it out myself. That's when he texted to tell me he was having lunch with my father and grandfather (who happened to be at the same restaurant at the same time)...the restaurant he was at was 45 mins in the opposite direction of my house. I felt that was so rude and it irritated me enough to say something about it. I didn't hide my irritation this time. When he finally called me after he was finished, I let him have it. I wasn't super nasty. I just said (when he asked) that yes, I was still irritated. He SCREAMED at me. That's all it took. He told me to drop of his f***ing keys and we were done. When I went to go drop off his keys, I said to him, "So..is this all we're worth to you?" At that point, he crossed the distance between us so fast and in such an intimidating manner I wondered if he was going to hit me. We were chest to chest and he was looming over me (I am 5'4" and he is 6'2" and outweighs me by over 100 lbs). His nostrils were flared and he was breathing out of them like a bull. His face was beet red. He screamed so loud my eardrums hurt to "get the f**k out." I was so stunned I couldn't move so he screamed it again. When I went to go leave he put his hand on the door and it was like a complete change in demeanor....he said, "No...that's not all this is worth to me." Again, we ended up working it out. But not for long. The next time he broke up with me there was another rage similar to the first one. This time, he refused to pick up his phone. He removed me and all my friends and family from Facebook. For the entire weekend, he wouldn't speak to me. I finally came to his door, convinced that this was all my doing, that it was my blunt/direct delivery, that I was too critical, too needy, too everything. It took him 15 minutes to come to the door. When he did, I told him I'd get counseling. That seemed to appease him.

So into counseling I went. During that time, there were more "mini breakup" as I tend to call them, never lasting more than a few hours and always used as a club to get me to do/not do what he wanted. The sex had all but ceased (maybe one time per week or week and a half and it was all for his selfish purposes). When he came onto me it was very immature and childlike (groping, making silly little noises). Last Christmas, he ended up spending $50 on me. He said it was because he was still getting back on his feet financially and had only had the new job a few months. Of course, right after Christmas he bought some new clothes that I found out totaled about $100--he said he needed them for his costume (he is in an 80s cover band...another thing he seems unhappy about because he is not the lead singer and feels he should be--he always felt his talent was overlooked...in the band, on the job...everywhere).

He always complained about how he didn't get enough...not enough recognition on his job (he would complain for the whole 45 minute ride home on the phone with me and then ask as a kind of "by the way" how my day was), not enough attention from his father, not enough attention as a crucial part of his band (and the band didn't ever do things "the right way"). And the ailments...oh, the ailments. There was always something wrong, especially when in social situations comprised of large groups. He always sulked. That would compel someone to ask him "what's wrong" to which he'd reply, "Oh it's allergies." Or a headache. Or he was tired. Or some other malady. I remember when he met my mother and stepfather for the first time for my college graduation how he sat on the couch and played the guitar and wouldn't engage in any adult conversation. He used the guitar as a shield, only talking about music related things.

Things finally and abruptly reached a head in March of 2012. Things had been going ok. As a matter of fact, we had had an "up" week and weekend. He had started to clean out his condo. He was talking about the future and how he couldn't wait to make more memories this past summer. On March 5th, he asked me to come over and take care of him/cuddle with him because he didn't feel good. So I did. It didn't seem like he was sick. So I kind of mentioned something (yes, in a passive aggressive way but I had no idea how to approach him at this point) about having sex. He seemed to blow it off. But he hadn't. He picked a fight with me that night...about TV volume. I asked him to keep the volume low on the TV in the bedroom so I could sleep. He didn't. When I reminded him gently, he sighed and said, "All I wanted to do was watch a f*cking movie." I got upset and said, "OK..well, why don't you do that. I'm going on the couch so I can sleep." I didn't raise my voice or anything. A few moments passed and he came out to the living room. He asked if I would please come back in the bedroom and he was sorry. So I did. The minute I got back in there he gave a huge sigh and said, "All I wanted to do was f*cking relax." So I said, "If I'm so unrelaxing, why did you invite me over?" He rose up on his knees so he was looming over me in the bed and screamed, "You know what???? I don't know!! As a matter of fact, get the f*** out!!!! We're done!!!" So I decided to stick up for myself for once. I said, "You know what? I 'm really not in the mood for your fake breakups tonight. Maybe we can talk about all this tomorrow." He then got SO angry I can't even describe the look on his face. He proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs, "I don't love you anymore!!! (something he knew my ex said to me to get me to leave once and for all, by the way) And the reason we don't have sex anymore is because I'm not attracted to you!!! I will never marry you!" Then he turned out the light and laid down.
I quietly gathered my things and went to go leave. He appeared in the living room as I was gathering the last of my things. He picked yet more of a fight. At one point it was so crazy because he tried to back track and said he DID love me (???). I am ashamed to admit I lost control. I finally screamed back. I also asked him for the guitar back that I had just bought him since it was $1400 and I was making payments on it. He refused, said it was a gift. I now believe he absolutely felt entitled to that guitar. I never should have given it. Anyways...

That very night he removed me yet again from Facebook. This time, he blocked me from his phone. He refused to speak to me or see me. The only avenue that was open was email. So I emailed him (pathetically) nearly every day for the first two months. I couldn't make heads or tails of what had happened. I was so distraught I turned to his most recent ex. I found her on FB and started asking questions. Lo and behold she stated she had already talked to him and was so disappointed to hear of our breakup. I was shocked. I didn't know if he had gone to her or if she had used my email to her as knowledge that we were now apart and she could "swoop back in." However it happened, I saw it all unfold on FB. I saw her befriend his female cousin. I saw them making plans to attend his band gig on his birthday weekend. I know they spent the weekend together. It was more than I could bear. I showed up at his door looking for answers. I knew he would have the day off work since it was his birthday. To my surprise he answered the door. Now, I believe he was just looking for an ego boost..and that's why he never blocked me via email. He always loved the flowery, poetic letters I would write to him and I used to be a major supply!! I was even more of one during the breakup.
So we talked for about 20 minutes. He never let me in. I asked him why he just cut things off like that, why he didn't want to give things a second chance. He said he thought about giving things a second chance all the time, all he does is think, but he thinks we have personality differences. Throughout this entire breakup, I have never gotten answers as to what really happened or how he really felt. I have heard he left because of: the pressure I put the relationship in, because he was feeling oppressed, depressed and pressured but isn't saying it's my fault (??), once when my sister emailed him to ask why he wouldn't have a sit down discussion with me like an adult he said we had lifestyle and direction differences (??). Then he ended up saying we were simply incompatible.

I think this all meant that he got a job, he was on his feet, I was too much trouble because I had wants and needs and he had run his supply dry.

I left his door that day with more questions than answers. He said he would consider spending time with me but wasn't ready for a relationship right now. When I called him (from a different phone) 8 days later to talk to him some more about this statement, he blocked THAT phone and ended up emailing me that I was a stalker and he would call the cops if I ever came to his house again or tried to call him again. I was so, so hurt. I couldn't get how his resolve seemed to be crumbling during our face to face talk only 8 days earlier to calling me a stalker. I also saw that his ex had befriended his aunt on FB and I believe maybe he and his ex were spending time together. Something happened though because she ended up on match.com.

Still, I persisted in trying to talk to him. I just wanted some answers. I didn't know the kind of personality disorders he had at the time, even though everyone was telling me he was missing an emotional chip, that he was off or odd or strange...that there was something very depressed and weird about him. All my friends and family told me this but still...I felt like it was me. End of July I tried texting him from my work phone about a particular fun memory we had. It worked. He texted back a positive response. That's when we started texting. It was all sentimental memories. But still...he wouldn't see me or talk on the phone. I got tired of putting myself out there so I stopped. Immediately, he started initiating contact. Some of the emails he sent were long, sentimental ones...nothing ever said he missed me or wanted to come back. My counselor said it sounded like he wanted me on the hook just in case without having to do much of anything. I didn't want to believe it. Now...that's exactly how I see it.
Stupid me...I ever composed a piano song for him. He spent half a day putting guitar music to it and sending it back to me. He called it "our song." Said he wished we could do such things when we were together. I said it didn't have to be this way. He hinted, it was "something to think about." Later on, he asked if I had showed anyone the song and what they thought of it. Before, I thought he was interested in seeing what my family/friends thought of him and if it was safe to come back. Now, I think he was just looking for an ego boost and for people to say how awesome his contribution was to that song.

The weirdest thing happened in September. He decided to go back to the lake...alone. He rented the cabin next door to the one I rented (only because the one I rented was taken). He got steak tips from the place I bought them from. He got pie from the place my father/grandfather showed us up there....my favorite pie. He walked the beaches we walked on. And he ate at the restaurant we ate at. He emailed me the entire time he was there and then sent me pictures to prove it. He knew I was going away to the same general area with my dad the next weekend and asked for pictures from me. He even said what we had was real and meant a lot to the both of us so maybe we could get together for a bike ride before the season ended. But then he disappeared. I couldn't get him to respond to any emails. I did a little research through match.com and FB. I found out that he was on match.com while he was emailing me. And that he had met someone on there. So I left him alone and went no contact.

A month passed. This last November (yes, only 2 months ago) would have been our 2 year anniversary. I was pretty down that day. At 12:45 am I received a text from him. It was a picture of the stuffed animal I gave him with the words "Happy Veteran's Day." I didn't know it then, but I know it now...that was a hoover.
I wasn't going to respond. I was actually really confused about it. But I said just a simple "thanks." Later on, a friend who had been through something similar told me that just by saying that to him, I gave him the ego boost he needed...that I was still "there." This made me really angry so a week after that, I confronted him. I tried to call him (in August he had unblocked my phone so we could text). He wouldn't pick up, of course. So I resorted to good old text and email. I told him he couldn't just float in and out of my life at his leisure and what was the meaning of all this. Of course, he didn't respond. I wasn't going to let it go. I continued with the texts, telling him how it made me feel. Finally, he got fed up and texted me, "What the F*CK is wrong with you??? I have been sick in bed all weekend and my phone has been off." I pointed out that wasn't true since all the texts had been going through. Then he tried to deflect by saying all these texts made him "unsure about coming back." ?????? I was furious. He told me we would talk about this later but right now he was sick and had a book to read before the next day. I said, "Yeah..when will we talk about this?" He said when he felt better. Since the beginning of all this, I have heard so many perhaps, so many maybes, so many hints that never came to fruition...I was just tired of it all. I knew I wouldn't get anywhere. The next day, I received an email from him saying that I was right...we can't be friends what with the way we feel right now, that he thinks it best we don't communicate anymore and that he goes "silently" on his way and that we should leave things on a good note. As if any of the way he has handled it could ever be considered a good note! It sounded so fake--like something you'd say just to look good. I just left it alone.

Over the holidays, I got really upset thinking about all this and I emailed him. I said it wasn't a good note for me, that I didn't want to hear from him again, that none of what he has done is or ever will be ok and that I wanted him to know that the door was closed. He got back to me and accused me of still being harsh after all this time, that now he knows he didn't let anything special slip through his fingers, that maybe some other guy could put up with my belittling, controlling, paranoid, negative ways but not him. That he is sure he contributed to some of the negativity and has personality problems of his own..now that he is graduated from college he will be working on those. That he wants "so badly for me to be happy again" but I have to let go. And that he simply needs someone more positive to make him happy because he is a negative person by nature. He used a lot of the word "we" in this letter. There hasn't been a we in so long it isn't even funny!! This happened about 2 weeks ago. Now, after reading everything I have...I know there will be no closure.

So I have my counselor, my friends, my family and my own gut telling me there is something not quite right about him and I guess that's an understatement. Most of the times, after reading this blog and everyone's stories and, of course, the book, so much of it fits and I know deep down that it wasn't me. But I still struggle with wondering if I had done this or that differently or hadn't said this or that, would things be different? This doesn't make much sense and it annoys me that I still think this way. I guess when I look at it, I have been undergoing emotional abuse in the form of raging, manipulation, the silent treatment and even some hoovering since Oct. of last year. I suppose since it took so long to get here that it will take a while to get out of it. I just hope I can...quickly. And with minimal scarring. This has been the worst breakup and relationship I have ever been through.
If you have read all of this, I thank you. I don't talk about my full story often because it is painful and as such, I guess I had a lot to get out.
Thank you all for sharing your stories and thoughts. It has really helped me and others!