Truly_blessed's Story

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#1 Jan 3 - 12PM
Truly_blessed
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Truly_blessed's Story

My side of things

Hi there! So glad to be part of this forum and on the way to recovery, painful as it may be. My story is a long one so I apologize if my blog is too long! I'm not entirely certain I was with someone that was a full blown narcissist or someone that just had the traits, but either way he had a complete disregard for me and my feelings.
Our relationship was on and off for 7 yrs. It started off well but from the very beginning there were red flags that I chose to ignore. In the beginning he was supportive, attentive, affectionate, and seemed genuinely interested in me. The trouble began a few months into the relationship, when I realized he was not over his ex. We were both recently out of long term relationships and I guess on the rebound. The difference is that while I fell in love with him, I don't feel he was ever really in love with me. Anyhoo, he used to take me to buy Christmas and birthday presents as well as random items for his ex-gf. Of course I never knew that's where we were going until we got to the store. When I protested, he stopped taking me shopping with him but continued to remain friends with her as did his entire family (they continue to be friends). I later learned that he did not tell her about me until yrs into our relationship. He told me I was uptight and wrong to think exes shouldn't be friends.
As our relationship progressed, he became passive aggressive and seemingly went out of his way to hurt me. He allowed his friends to set strife in the relationship (ESP one female friend in particular - she disliked me before ever meeting me apparently) and told me his friends would be around forever whereas I wouldn't. He criticized my skin as being too dark for him, my looks being "off" when I was asked to model, and that everything was always about me and my career (not true). He blamed me for not advancing in his career and said I held him back from doing what he wanted to do. Everything was always someone else's fault, never his own.

The relationship eventually turned into torment secondary to insecurity and lack of respect. It got so bad that we became abusive to each other - physically, emotionally and verbally. We both realized the patterns and discussed our concerns. We made a promise to each other to be better and to work on the relationship. Of course this is my perspective and you are not getting his side of the story but things would calm down for a few weeks and then get just as bad again. The physical abuse eventually stopped but the emotional abuse on his part continued. Towards the end of the relationship i was just a ghost in his life and felt a lot like a used up rag doll he would shower negative attention on. I don't know that he was cheating but I suspect he may have been, at least emotionally if not physically. He spoke negatively about me to his friends and family. They would say things that made me realize he was sharing our relationship details and not in a good light.

We called it quits when I realized he was not changing and that he was never going to marry me. We were apart for a yr or so (this was our 2nd breakup) and although I was still hurting, I was on the road to recovery. I had taken a temporary 3yr job assignment out of state and was due to move in 6 months when he came back asking for a reconciliation. I told him I didn't feel it would work as he was "afraid to fly" (although he flew to Florida with his ex and Hawaii and the Middle East with his friends) and would not visit me. I also voiced concern that he was not willing to commit to marriage. I mentioned the ex and the fact that he let his friends cause grief in the relationship. To all of these things he said he'd fix..he promised to visit, he promised this and that and the other thing. He said he loved me and that hed work towards marriage. As I'm sure you've guessed, his promises were lies. He even had the nerve to become upset when i said we were a couple. He later told me he came back to prove to himself that it wouldn't work and that he had no expectations of it ever working. So he was basically using me to fill an empty void while the person he truly wanted took her time to arrive in his life. The final breakup was painful as well. It came two yrs after our reconciliation and came at a bad time, while I was at a job that needed my full focus and that demanded me working 100hrs a week. i was also in a state far away from my family and friends. I begged him to visit (in the two yrs i had been there, he did twice after I fought tooth and nail for him to visit). He ended up telling me he hated spending time with me, that I made him miserable, that he'd pick his friends over me any day and that all I did was nag at him. He plunged the final dagger by saying hed never marry me. He was "looking for the best" is how he termed had termed it previously.

I admit I used to cry on a daily basis on the phone begging him to include me in his life, to talk to me, to visit me. I understand now that none of this was healthy and that I was largely underselling myself and my worth. I kick myself for being such an idiot every day!!

Fast forward to recently. It's been about 2 yrs since we broke up. We had been in rare contact every now and then, mostly from me reaching out to him - you don't have to call me stupid, I realize I was a glutton for punishment. Every time we spoke he found it necessary to tell me he didn't want me and how well he was doing without me. he went as far as describing the girls he was dating and how the dates went. During the superstorm in the east coast that caused havoc and death I reached out to him asking if he and his family were ok (his parents are elderly and I'd heard their area was flooded out...I did not have their contact information). I said I was ok being friends (bc i felt healed enough to do so at the time, i was obviously mistaken) as he wanted us to be friends before. He retorted by saying he and his family were fine and that he was "very happy in a new relationship" and that he thought it "inappropriate" to be in touch with me. He did state before that he had learned all the lessons he needed to learn with me and that he'd apply those and never repeat what he did to me to his new sig other. The fact that he cut me off from the friend thing (which im actually happy he did) makes me see that he does seem to have love/respect for her. I'm happy he won't mistreat anyone else the way he did me. But by the same token, I don't understand what it was about me that made him feel so much resentment. Why he didn't want to fix those mistakes with me and would rather apply the lessons to someone else is a question I ask myself constantly and it hurts. I left that relationship feeling used, abused and yes hated. I know what it feels like to be hated by the one I gave my entire heart to. That's a sad state of affairs. I tried so hard to please him, probably too hard. I tried to the point of being a doormat. Never again.

I'm afraid ill never move on. I'm afraid it will always haunt me. I don't see how he could love the ones before me and the one after me but be so cruel and unfair to me, the one he spent the longest time with. I see my past mistakes and I'm working on fixing myself and never repeating those patterns again. But the rejection and the hurt won't leave...even after 2 yrs.

What are ur thoughts?

Jan 6 - 3PM
Deidre99
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He's a narcissist, and he

Jan 6 - 4PM (Reply to #14)
Truly_blessed
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For sure

Jan 6 - 2PM
Truly_blessed
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This forum is wonderful

Jan 6 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
Journey
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http://www.lisaescott.com/201

Journey on...

Jan 6 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
Truly_blessed
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Cool

Jan 6 - 12PM
Journey
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Welcome to the forum

Journey on...

Jan 6 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
Truly_blessed
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Thank u

Jan 3 - 7PM
EL8
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Don't blame yourself

Jan 6 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
Truly_blessed
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:)

Jan 3 - 1PM
spinning
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Dear truly blessed,

spinning

Jan 3 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Truly_blessed
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Spinning

Jan 3 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
Truly_blessed
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Oops

Jan 3 - 1PM
unbreakable
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Whether he is a Narc or not,

Jan 3 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
Truly_blessed
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Thanks