Its time

Dear Stoveby Trotters

For many months I have wondered when I would feel ready to write this to you. I have compiled so many letters, full of bitterness and accusations. The great thing is that even back then, I knew they were wasted emotions on you. And now, this is as emotional and as angry as I get. This is for me....

I wasted a whole chapter of my life, and more importantly and the thing that bites the most, a chapter of my childrens' lives. They are the ones now who still talk about you. Not me. And when they do, I just brush it off and change the subject. They know that if we were to ever bump into you, that they are no contact. You will not exist. And you would turn to whoever you were with and say "She is so bitter, how bad mannered? I had a lucky escape!". When in truth, when you are alone, you will seeth and fester on the fact that we ignored your existence.

To be totally honest, when I reflect on you now, I feel very little other than an overwhelming sense of how could I have been sooooo stupid? The woman that I am now, and to a certain extent before I met you, is strong, fun, independent and someone people want to know. So actually, the person I was with you was a ghost. A half person. This sticks in my throat, but I have to thank you for teaching me so much. But the lessons I have learned have been since your discard of me. So I guess I only have to thank you for that. The rest of what I am now, I thank a whole heap of incredible people, and actually thank myself. They know who they are as they deserve to be here with my and in my heart.

As for who encounter you now? I can only empathise. Note the word empathy. There is a huge difference between that and sympathy. If that poor woman were in a hole with no ladder to get out, I would stand on the edge and offer guidance and advice as to how she could get out. That is empathy. I would not want to jump in that hole with her and say "yep, I sooo know where you are now cos I have been there!". What help is that to her?

So, for all that has happened, it is finally time to say goodbye to you. This is the time of year for thanks, for family, for love, peace and looking forward to a future which may very well be tough, but is unknown and exciting at the same time. All something which I couldn't experience with you, you took the most precious things away from me. But I can forgive you. Because you are the one who needs prayers. Lost cause most likely but it's sad you are what you are. You will never experience anything real...no colour, no music in your soul, no extreme emotion, nothing but that aching void deep inside which sometimes taps you on the shoulder and whispers in your ear "you are nothing". Scarey hey?

The last thing I ever said to you was that you are scum, the look on your face was something I will never forget, I saw you for the first time, the rage. It was true. But now I don't even care about calling you anything. That is a good place, a safe place and a very very happy place. A place which is mine, which attracts the right people and which is now sacred.

I would wish you well but my sub-conscience is screaming NOOOOOOOO. So I wish for you, what you deserve in life. And you will get it, of that I have total faith.

I loved you, those were my feelings and they were real.

Goodbye....that's it now. Enough.