notyourgirl's story

Hooked - Behind Closed Doors

Hi all, newbie to this Board and needing to vent so I’ll share my story. My 1st encounter with an N happened 12 years ago, a whirlwind relationship with an N that I met at a local sports club. He was a classic N and I was vulnerable (just turned 40, the long distance love of my life had recently died, etc.). I was charmed off of my feet and ignored the red flags but after about 6 months I finally kicked him out after he wrote me a bad check. As we all know, even still it was devastating for a long time but eventually someone tipped me off to the NPD concept and I learned everything I could and was eventually able to see it for what it was and never look back on it. But the pain of those couple of years that it took for me to realize that it had nothing to do with me I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. By the same token, I can assure anyone here who doesn’t think the pain will end that it WILL end, and there will be peace within you again if you see him for what he is rather than what you wanted him to be……….Having said that, the reason I have joined the site is because there is now another N living next door to me that is causing me stress, and it is near impossible to go ‘No Contact’ when the N lives next door. Since our 1st encounters 8 years ago he has shown me enough red flags that alerted me to keep my distance even though he clearly was targeting me for a dalliance and I felt the dreaded ‘chemistry’. It may be fate’s way of testing whether I REALLY learned my lesson the 1st time around. He fits into the ‘bad boy’ type, exudes sex appeal but doesn’t have any real friends and seems to spend most of his time alone in his apt. Unlike my first N, this one also has a heavy dollop of Passive-Aggressive tendencies as well, perhaps because he was a cop – and I had NOT learned anything about PA traits before, so this part was new to me and took me a long time to add to the picture of why he was trying to get my attention but not making an overture – maybe just shy ? (Ugh !) I did get the distinct sense that what he wanted was for ME to make an overture. He would do things like ambushing me on my way to work and chatting me up about how he would like to go golfing (he always sees me leaving with my golf clubs), but then when I’d invite him to golf a few weeks later and he’d say he was too busy that day. Sometimes when he ambushed me he’d be Mr. Nice-Charming-Guy and other times he’d be Overbearing-Barely-Suppressing-Anger Guy. I caught him following me one day when I was driving around on my errands, etc. He would make a point of parking his car next to mine, even if there were plenty of spaces open closer to the building, all little ways of keeping himself in my view but never taking the initiative to make an overture other than periodically ambushing me as I left for work . Many other examples ad nauseam of this type of behavior over 8 years of living next door to each other, but since I’d already been burned by an N I decided I would not be throwing myself at this guy the way he wanted (even though I was attracted !), if he was made of the right stuff then he would make an overture. Good for me, I guess, and I can be proud of that………the problem is that he also started the flirting game with the gal who lives in the apt. below me, who had been trying to get his attention for years while he was focused on me, and now he is making overtures toward her – they went out to dinner last week and by all indications this may be taking off as a relationship, and I’ll be darned if it isn’t eating me up inside ! So I know that I haven’t learned the complete lesson yet……I have found myself hurt by the fact that he couldn’t ever bring himself to ask me out to dinner, why her ?? She has knocked herself out to play the part (hit the gym, new tigress wardrobe, etc.) and she was the 1st one to ask him out, but she doesn’t have the front seat view of his routines that I have, and I believe that she was jealous of me for all the years she watched him dogging me in the parking lot, etc., so now she knows she has ‘stolen’ his attentions away from me and I am plain and simple jealous of her now ! I know this could all be so much worse if I had actually gone out with him and been burned after the fact, but it is amazing to me that it still has such an impact nonetheless, because clearly I was hooked behind closed doors even though I didn’t give in to the temptation to get involved. It also screams to me that my ego is a huge part of my response to the N’s, because this pain is all about feeling that some other woman is going to get the charming nice guy that he sometimes ‘pretended’ to be. So I know I still have more progress to make to be able to not let these N’s get under my skin, and I am soooooo grateful for a site like this where I can learn from everyone else that has been in these situations………it is an ENORMOUS help to read some of the posts and bring myself back from the craziness of how these N’s can get us twisted around with their behaviors and triangulations ! Thank you all so much for sharing…………