Goodbye Assclown!

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#1 Dec 4 - 11PM
movinon
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Goodbye Assclown!

Dear YOU,

As I sit here and think ‘what the heck am I going to write?’, so much comes to mind, I don’t know where to start, and if I start, when or if I’ll ever stop! This entire experience is extremely unsettling, as I’m sure you would also feel if you were to suddenly find your self in the midst of cognitive dissonance! I’m so glad to FINALLY be able to speak, to let it all out, I’m just going to go ahead and let ‘er rip! It’s nice to not have you shutting me up, shutting me down, shutting me out.

At first, I want to thank you. You may not believe it, but I really feel gratitude when I think of you, and especially when I think about all we’ve done together. Thank you for allowing me to love you. I am only truly happy when I am acting out my feelings of love toward others; that is when I feel I am truly giving. Like when I bring my sick kid a glass of water and something to read on a day home from school, or when my best friend needs me to look at her kid’s leg because he fell and cut it, and she just can’t bring herself to see all the blood, or when my boyfriend needs a warm place to sleep because he is exhausted and just too fucked up to quit a couple jobs, get a place to live, etc., I really truly feel I am extending my love to people in situations like these. So thank you for all the opportunities you presented me with where I was able to bring my unconditionally loving self to life and love you. It was an experience that I really enjoyed.

Thank you for helping in return, with writing my resume, cleaning my car, buying me and my kids groceries, working in my garden, and coming on vacation with me. I had a fantastic time in the tropics, and will always think well of you in that context. You behaved like an absolute gentleman, and I felt as though you were my best friend in all the world, like no one mattered more than the two of us, like we connected fully without holding back. I’m happy to have had the opportunity to experience that feeling, despite the fact that you were continually checking out the women (which I really found very tiring, and after a while, I just ignored you when you would bring up yet another reason why you wouldn’t “do her”).

Thank you for all your support at work, especially in the beginning of our relationship, for supporting me with that horrible fight against a workplace bully, and for accompanying me to workshops where I learned a lot both from you as well as the workshop itself. Over the past 6-8 months, however, I was really very disappointed that you let your work slack off, and did not feel any support from you whatsoever as a team player. It really was so disappointing for me, considering I had expected you would continue to behave the way you had in the beginning. Wonder what made you change your mind about not wanting to contribute at work anymore? You never did share that with me.

And thank you for all the good times we had, lounging about on the beach (which one? There were soooo many!), or on the deck at your place and at mine. Drinking wine, barbecuing, preparing food and watching movies, talking for hours on end. I’ll never forget the one night we spent on your deck watching the meteor showers! It was amazing. Thank you for that as well, it was the night I had to call in to work “super sick”.

Thanks for all the laughs. That was one of them (“super sick”, with a toothbrush hanging out my mouth as I’m talking to her!). We had a lot of laughs, especially in the beginning of the relationship when it seemed you were less stressed and more fun-loving. Seemed like I could do NO wrong, whereas lately, the coin flipped somehow, and I could do no right!

That’s the thing. It was all at the beginning. At first, you would be super affectionate and kind toward me, making me feel like there was no one in the world you would rather be with, be talking on the phone to, be texting with…..it was so sublime. In fact, one day when I thought I should give you a break and actually NOT text you all day, you gave me hell at the end of the day, stating that you would rather hear from me than not!! You said you had been wondering all day what the hell had happened to me!! And in time, there was less and less and less of your attention, and more and more and more of your disdain and annoyance. Especially with texting or phoning you. I don’t even know what I was doing wrong – nothing I hadn’t done before, but it was like I was suddenly the most annoying person you had ever met. And your happiest days were the ones where I didn’t contact you at all, except to find out if you were coming over after work for dinner or not. And even then, it seemed like some days it was a chore for you to talk to me. I wonder if you have any idea what that feels like, to be treated like absolute dirt by the person you love, by the person who’s opinion you cherish. I’ll tell you, it’s incredibly demeaning to feel so devalued.

I wanna know why that was. What happened? Why did you suddenly change your opinion of me? Why did I have this constant feeling that you were looking for someone else, something more, like I wasn’t quite good enough?! I remember having a conversation with you about how a friend of mine needed to “upgrade” her boyfriend, and I quipped in, “like I did!”, and you agreed with me that yes, I had upgraded. And then I said, “yeah, and like you did!”, and (I will NEVER forget this), you said, “well, you mean, like I am doing…..I haven’t finished upgrading yet”. I would love to know how you would feel if I said that to you. Dismayed is how I felt that day, and later on, anger.

What else I would like to know, while I’m at it, is what the hell kind of nerve do you have, telling me that we are in a long-term relationship, and that I can’t leave you because you worked so hard to get me – when you then turn around and quit the relationship because you’re bored!???!!!! Because you don’t love me, even though you “tried so many times, but just couldn’t”. What is THAT!???! Now I am angry, and I’m hurt, and I want to know what kind of person “tries” to love someone, but then finds that they cannot love that person, but doesn’t SAY anything to them for over a year?!!?!??!

What you have done to me is disgraceful! You hurt me terribly, deeply. You allowed me to fall head over heels in love with you, I told you many times that I was falling in love with you, and then a few months later, I would tell you again that I was falling further in love with you, and you would just continue on……not even telling me that you weren’t in love with ME!?? That you couldn’t reciprocate! That you wouldn’t reciprocate!!

And what was going on this past month-and-a-half??? I’d love to know the answer to that one! You don’t want me, then you do, then you don’t….or at least you didn’t admit it so much the last time, probably because I refused to take it like a good girl, as I had in the past, but you sure showed me who’s boss in this relationship, eh? You sure showed me, you son-of-a-bitch! You stood me up at work. That’s the way to do it, for sure!! Just don’t show up for work. Tell everyone you forgot to go to work, you were so exhausted, you just crashed. Oh, poor you, manipulate another one! Only you and I both know that is a heap of crap! You and I both know what you were up to that night. And I know because I’ve been there, I’ve been the girl that is with you that you use as an excuse to miss work!! I know how it happens. I’ve seen it. Many, many times. And I’m not impressed. I am incredibly angry, I have never felt such anger! But I am grateful.

So once again, thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes, letting me see that I was living in denial. Denying what you truly are, denying myself the love that I truly deserve. And for the amount of love I have to give and that I share with the world, I sure do deserve a lot of love in return. Thank you for being you, because without you I would not be on this path. I’m sorry that I took a detour of my healing journey to spend all that time with you, trying to figure out just exactly what was going on from day to day, moment to moment (because everything with you is so random, and inconsistent – part of your way – but what you don’t realize is you are incredibly predictable – oh, the irony!), but I’m looking at it as something I needed to do. I refuse to think that I’ve wasted any of my time, because I believe there is always a learning experience in everything I do. So I will NOT allow you to instill any doubt in my mind about what this past 20 months has been. I am angry, and I am hurt, but I will heal. As I journey down this path to wellness, I will heal with every step, and although you stole a lot of my loving, caring energy, you can no longer steal my wellness, my wholeness, my Self.

So f**k right off, you son-of-a-bitch, narcissistic bastard. If you NEVER look in my direction or speak to me again, it will be too soon. I am so relieved to be rid of you from my life. I feel like I can breathe now that I am out from under your oppression. It is the greatest feeling! And being the hard-hearted stone that you are, I know you will NEVER experience any of these feelings. How unfortunate for you. Yet I smile an evil smile, satisfied that all you have in life is a cold, empty heart. It’s not that you will never feel the harsh, negative feelings. It’s that you will never feel anything at all that gives me satisfaction, for not being able to feel anything with your cold empty heart must be the true definition of hell.

From,
Me.

Dec 6 - 3PM
caracre
caracre's picture

Hi Movinon

Dec 13 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
movinon
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hi caracre