angelica's story

I don't want to believe

I'm fortunate that I was only involved with George for eight months, and at the beginning it was an emotional involvement. We were only physically involved for three months, and because he lives 300 miles away, we were only together sexually on four occasions.

And yet, I'm having a hard time picking up the pieces. We met last February at a party thrown by mutual friends, and quickly began an online friendship which evolved into a relationship two weeks after my father died. From the beginning, George was excessive in his compliments and adoration and devotion, to the point where a couple of months into our friendship, I told him that I needed us to back off a little because I felt like I was toying with the emotions of a good man. George's response was weird and terse, but he kept in touch, messaging or texting once a week or so. Then, about six weeks later when my father was in Hospice, George came back into my life in full force, and our relationship began two weeks after my father died.

In hindsight, the signs were there. I remember seeing flashes of rage cross George's face over little things, like me telling him he was corny because of the songs he always wanted to play for me, or when he talked about his ex-wife, or one night at a party (right before we became a couple) when he huffed out because he wasn't getting enough of my attention. His ex-wife has him blocked on Facebook, he's had trouble with the IRS, he's very elusive about making plans, and recently I learned that he has another ex-wife who never let him be a part of their son's life. That son would be in his 20s now.

Within a month of us meeting George told me that he was terminally ill and that I was only one of two people to know because I was so important to him. When he was unreachable for stretches of time (usually only hours), he always told me that it was because he was having an episode.

For three months, George and I were the center of each other's worlds, despite the distance. We were in constant contact, and even though I've never believed in soul mates, I honestly felt like I'd found mine. When I was with him, it was like I went into a trance. When I wasn't with him, his words and his voice echoed through my thoughts. He had complete control of me. I don't even know how it happened. I'm an attractive woman with two degrees and a fairly high IQ. George told me that he and I were intellectually above most anyone else. He told me that I was beautiful, that he never thought he'd find what we had, the I was amazing and talented, that he thought of me constantly.

Then I started hearing from him a little less. When I asked him about it, he blamed his illness and seasonal depression, but he promised that he would always find a way to say goodnight. He didn't keep that promise, not for a single night. The more spread out the messages and texts became, the more I asked, and the more he reassured me that I was his "baby." Then one night we were in a Facebook chat, and I started pushing, asking him questions about why he was so different. He stopped answering me, and then texted me 20 minutes later saying that his internet had gone out. That was the last real time conversation we'd ever have. He wouldn't answer my calls, and then text an excuse telling me that he missed me and loved me. I left a voicemail saying "if you're ending it, just end it," and he responded the next day, again with another excuse. This went on for about six weeks with the communication decreasing to almost nothing. I never let my smart phone out of my sight so I would be certain to get his text or message. One day, I was sitting in the office at the non-profit where I volunteer and just sobbing, and my friend who was with me opened up his laptop and said "write a message and end this now. I don't know what this is, but it needs to end." And so I did. I sent a message telling George that I loved him but that I couldn't handle the headgames anymore. That was three weeks ago.

Four days ago, I googled "why did he suddenly cut me off" and came across a site on Narcissism. Suddenly, everything made sense. Now I'm feeling a mix of emotions. Grateful that I emerged relatively unscathed from the relationship. Shocked to know that none of it was real. I want him to come back, and I never want to see him again. Hating him, missing him, pitying him, and wondering how I ended up down that rabbit hole in the first place.

I deleted his number from my phone, deleted all old messages from him. I haven't removed him as a Facebook friend (but I changed my privacy settings so that he sees very little of what I post), but that's because he's doing business with my non-profit (but I removed myself from the project). We have so many mutual friends who see him as a kind of guru, and I can't turn to any of them for support.

Mostly I just feel sort of numb.