I caved in.
I caved in.
Time to restart NC. I saw her out, she approached and we had a civil conversation for the first time since June, so I sent her an email that summarized the things I've learned from counseling and all of you as well as her B.S. devalue. I didn't call her a narc or otherwise attack her, but I outlined all of the traits, e.g., bait and switch, and the devalue/listed the cruelest things she said to me. I also mentioned her childhood abuse from her dad and how she was parentified when he was killed because her mom (the weakest, most manipulative woman I've ever met) was unable to take over the family, and how this damaged her ability to enter into mature, trusting and loving relationships with anyone. I wrote that even now that I know who she is and why our relationship failed, that my heart aches for her, her past pain, and her inevitable future pain. I ended by saying that I forgive her.
I feel like I let you all down, but it was actually quite a release to send. My motivation for not contacting her for a long time was the hope that she would be miserable for the rest of her life. I also wanted to win the break up/regain control. I realized, however, that this was incredibly unhealthy for me. I no longer care who wins.
From what I've read, it probably won't do any good and provides supply/makes her feel powerful. My ex is fairly high functioning and knows something is wrong, that she's never made love. It's my hope that after enough bad things happen/when enough relationships crash and burn, that she will recall what I wrote and seek help.