Just one of many ... I'm sure
Hi to all, I've been a member here for some time now, but have finally gathered up the courage to share my story. And like many of you, it's not short-winded, but it is my hope that many of you will see parallels and be able to offer words of wisdom.
I left an entire life behind in another part of the country. Friends, animals, family, job, and even a husband. I did not leave because my marriage was completely in the toilet or because I wanted to sow my wild oats. I left because I was monumentally unhappy with my life overall. After several years of being far from my family, feeling disconnected, and yearning for familiar surroundings, I just wanted to "come home".
So I moved. Found a job, packed up my stuff, found a "landing pad" in which I could start my new life, and off I went. I knew literally one person in my new surroundings. He was a good person and a friend, and had just gone through a streak of bad cirucumstances in his own life. He was having trouble making ends meet so when I started to look for a place to live, he suggested I move in with him and share expenses until I could find a place of my own. And it actually worked out well. However, I think out of loneliness (and stupidity), we engaged in a brief relationship that ultimately wasn't what either of us was ready for or wanted so within a month or so after moving into the state, I found my own place and we parted as friends (how refreshing to have NORMAL people in my life). I wasn't truly "alone", I had some childhood friends and a couple of family members within a couple of hours from my new home and they were always asking me to come and visit. And in case you were wondering, by now I was separated from my husband, but was given time to "think things over" and decide what was right for me. He is a great man. And I was/am a stupid girl.
I started my new job and from day 1, and against my better judgement, immediately connected with the man who was to oversee my learning process and show me the ropes. He was the embodiment of everything I had ever envisioned in what I THOUGHT I wanted in a man. And so what initially started off as playful banter during "company time" led to off-duty e-mails, then texts, then phone calls. After spending the day at a holiday function that his WIFE was at, his constant indifference to his wife and attentiveness to me had me confused yet captivated. He had told me that he was miserable, that they were looking to split, and that he had never met anyone like me. That day pretty much illustrated what he had said and seemed like a pretty spot-on assessment of what he had told me. And being vulnerable, lonely, and in an unfamiliar location, I bit into it like a the way a kid bites into a chocolate bar that they've been denied for so long and have finally been given.
We went out to dinner on our first "date". He took me to a wonderful restaurant and we had an amazing dinner & conversation. I found myself completely enthralled by him, his life experiences, his sense of humor, and inevitably, his kiss. I was hooked. And not long thereafter, we went on a weekend getaway where we consummated our relationship. And THAT was pretty damn fantastic. We were completely compatible in that arena. The "I love you's" were flying and not a moment went by when I wasn't thinking about him and smiling randomly just because I felt as though I was loved and cared for. He texted and called several times a day, which helped to dissipate the loneliness I had been feeling prior to him coming into my life. And as the winter grew long and the days short, I clung to the scraps of what he threw my way in an effort to combat completely going stir crazy during what was now the holiday season. He told me just prior to Christmas that he and the wife had had "the talk" and would be splitting. They had a home together and were going to wait until after the New Year to get it prepped and put it on the market so they could cut their losses and go their separate ways. Yep, you guessed it, I bought into all of it. But one thing did perplex me. He said that his issue with his supposed soon to be ex was that "she hid things from him" and that he had no tolerance for that. He started questioning me about the friend that I had engaged in the brief relationship with when I had moved there. I didn't want to talk about it, so I didn't tell him anything. It was over, and none of his business. But he seemed nearly obsessed with finding out if I had slept with this man. And initially he dropped it, but it inevitably came back to haunt me in a big way in the end.
Christmas was the first indication of something "not being right". First plan was we were going to sneak away to our secret getaway spot & spend the holiday together. That got changed to that he was going to come spend part of Christmas day with me. Which inevitably led to him "not being able to get away" and me spending Christmas alone. Completely alone. But he made me feel so bad for him that I focused little on my sadness and fully on "poor him". Then New Year's Eve we were going to spend together because she was "going out of town". Yes, he came over and he spent a good portion of the evening checking his phone and acting very oddly. We saw the New Year in together, but as soon as the ball in Central Square fell and we kissed Happy New Year, he was off like a shot because allegedly she was coming home instead of staying with her relatives. And once again, the word SUCKER was painted on my forehead in neon paint.
So a few weeks went by and we settled into a routine. We were no longer on the same shift, so we would text/call during the day, and when he would finish work, he would come and spend time with me. We'd have coffee, great conversations, watch movies, engage in some pretty outstanding sex, and enjoy eachother's company. He promised me the world; a getaway trip, that we were going to look at homes together someday, the works. Then he'd head home to sleep and I'd go to work. You may think "what a great arrangement" but uh, no, it's just that it worked to his advantage. In February, I had some friends and family finally come and visit me in my new home. I always invited him to join us, but he claimed he needed to "stay near home" and "be the good boy" so that the soon to be ex wouldn't have any ammo against him as he claimed they were already in the process of establishing a separation agreement. Um, yeah, I know. Gullible. The funny thing was, he seemed to get upset & angry that I was spending time with these people even though more than anything, I would have loved to have him be a part of it. Another sign of things yet to come.
So just prior to his vacation, he planned out and promised that we would spend our days relaxing and just cuddle up and enjoy the time we had together. I was excited. But sure enough, he somehow encountered vehicle problems that kept him home for the week. Yup. I know. Like there are no rental cars on the planet right? And right after his vacation, I had to return to my former home for a few days to see some friends, deal with some issues, and speak to the attorney about filing divorce papers. That was when I started seeing the truth. He pretty much flipped out as soon as I left home, started acting cold in his texts and accused me of all sorts of nonsense. Then he started lying about his personal circumstances and that he was having some financial issues (to his credit he has never asked me for a dime). So by the time I came back from my trip, I felt guilty as hell for ever leaving and stupidly thankful that he came for me when I returned home.
And then the next few weeks were very rocky. He was constantly moody and started accusing me more and more of engaging in relations with the friend I had lived with prior to moving out on my own. His relentless badgering and belittling finally wore on me and I told him about it, even though it was NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. By this point, that friend and I were no longer friends as my N had pretty much alienated me from anyone remotely close to me. I kept everyone at an arm's length and lived in a bubble that only had enough room for me and his big huge attitude in it.
Then he started trying to dig into my past. Not like I had a very sordid one or anything, but that really started to freak me out. He said he didn't trust me and made me feel horrible that I had ever dated other men. He tried to get information on people from my past. Then he went on a weekend trip by himself, supposedly had some type of epiphany, and came home and decided to "forgive me & try to trust me again". However, he gave himself an out. He said that if he felt there was any reason that he didn't think this would work, he would just end it. And like a stupid girl I just accepted that. And sure enough, the very next day after he came back from this trip and after weeks of being berated, scared, and basically frightened into a corner, he unceremoniously dumped me via a text. Yup, a text. Basically telling me that I was a piece of shit and that we were done. I was reeling, devastated, and just numb.
But that's when he got crazy. The very next day after texting me that it was over, he started texting and calling me like mad. I ignored his communications. Then he threatened to tell my soon-to-be ex and had dug up the name of my former friend. I was like, done. Had it. So I had to call my soon-to-be ex (even though we were separated and in the process of the divorce we were still very amicable) and tell him about what was going on. And he was awesome and supportive, even from a distance. I now regret most of the time that I ever left. And when I didn't respond, that's when he showed up at my house one day after I got home from work. That scared the shit out of me as I came around the corner and there he was. I didn't let him into my house but spoke with him outside for a couple of hours. Nothing was resolved, I cowered (like a fool even though at this point it was clear that HE was the problem) and he left.
Spring turned into summer, and weeks went by, and we would talk occasionally, well, more like daily or close to it. I was stupid and believed like many others here that if I wasn't vindictive, encouraged communication, and believed that he really wasn't that bad, that he'd come around, and see I was a good and honest person and admit that HE WAS THE ONE WITH ALL THE LIES. And he told many of them over those weeks. Big ones. Mostly about him and his life and how horrible things were for him. Meanwhile I suffered in silence and told no one. I found a counselor and started trying to rebuild my self-esteem. She was all I had.
And to add insult to injury, he still continued to show up at my house a couple more times. I had to thwart that by making a notification to work that he was becoming a problem for me in my personal life and was being a jerk when I had to have contact with him at work. I was still in love with him, and didn't want him to get fired, but I couldn't take living my life in fear any longer. I had to start to take control again. So I did. And after one last phone conversation that resulted in him being a complete asshole, at the beginning of August, I finally had enough. So from then on, I ignored his texts. His e-mails. He had given up on calling. And it remained that way until last week.
Now he's trying to be nice. Being friendly. Telling me he is in counseling and that he's seeking help. But you wanna know what? I personally think he's full of shit. I do believe that he is still with his wife, that she never left, that he never left, that she has no clue about what really happened (he tried to convince me months ago that she had moved on, gotten a boyfriend, and was aware of his and mines relationship and was okay with it, yah right). I know the truths of some of his lies. Have proof. But I'm keeping it close to the vest.
I am stronger. Do I still love who he was? Yes, but I continually tell myself that I was in love with a vision, an apparition, something that wasn't real. I made a list out of all of his lies just to remind me of how horrible a man he is. And although he and I are in very polite and what some may consider friendly contact in the work arena, I am remaining extremely guarded. Because I know. He is a parasite. And I will never allow him to suck the life out of me again.
Thanks for reading. I know this is long and I may have actually left a few things out, so don't be surprised if at some point you may see an edit in here. But this board is an outpouring of strength and support. I am very grateful to have found it.