Dear Narcissist Ex...

Dear Narcissist Ex,

It’s taken me well over two years, but I’ve finally figured you out.

I should first start out by saying that I don’t hate you. I should after everything you put me through or the lies you continue to tell about me. I gave you love, understanding, and support while you gave me bullshit. But I am a decent human being, therefore I do not wish harm upon those that treat others with disrespect. I do, however, pity you.

I tend to see the good in people and give them chances to grow into their own beauty with time. This is probably why I stayed with you for as long as I did. I spent the majority of our relationship in misery. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why… but then it clicked; my heart was telling me what I refused to see. There was something in you that was damaged, that made you treat everyone in your life as if they were nothing. That the caring, driven, beautiful woman I fell in love with was only an illusion to the heartless child underneath. I watched you walk all over people, use and abuse them and act as though it was nothing. But I saw glimmers of hope in you every now and then that kept me by your side. I figured if I showed you what love is, you would realize your ways and return to your old self. I’ve learned a hard lesson that the woman I initially fell in love with was never real. I’ve learned that you will never change. I’ve learned that you never truly loved me.

I’ve read up on your kind, you’re all the same. Narcissists, that is. You have no sense of empathy for anyone but yourself. You crave attention in any way you can get it. You change your mind about nearly anything; friends, relationships, jobs, futures, lifestyles, pets, the list is endless. Nothing is ever good enough for you. You’re constantly seeking out more rather than appreciating what’s right in front of you. You project all of your own issues onto everyone else. You have an unending low self esteem and try anything in your power to build it up, regardless of how it will effect those around you. Nothing is ever your fault. Sorry is never truly meant when you say it. You have no sense of fidelity or responsibility. You are completely aware of your manipulation, use it to your benefit, and revel in the knowledge that you can get what you want. The only things you can ever be truly faithful to are substances. You are selfish and materialistic but expect everyone else to be above those standards. You make someone out to be the perfect person to save you from all of the destruction that life has caused you. You are a victim, looking to be saved by a good soul. I too, understand the pain of life and the constant disappointments it can bring. I promised to make you feel better, to pick you up when you were down, to love you through thick and thin. I financially and emotionally supported you while neglecting my own needs out of love. But you then realized that nothing will ever save you, you are too damaged to ever be good. So you used and discarded me like a piece of trash, moving on to the next victim and believing that they will change you for the good. I realize now this process will never end. You will discard someone like an object rather than a human being because they aren’t providing you exactly what you need at the moment. You will promise them the world in return for their love. But you will never know how to give love back. You are incapable of it. You are incurable. And you will only continue to cause a path of destruction in your wake. I was definitely not the first, and I will not be the last.

Unlike you, I experience real love. I understood that you had faults and needed to grow, as did I. But I loved you for these things and promised to stay by you through it all. But to you, these things are just words. Trust, Faithfulness, Understanding. They are just words.

Remember when you asked me to marry you? That you wanted to spend the rest of your life proving to me what an amazing woman I was? That you couldn’t imagine your life without me in it? All of the broken promises you gave me about a future and a beautiful life together? These were just words.

Remember when you used to get so drunk you would scream insults at me? Remember when you said you would never love another after me, but fell in love with your boss less than 2 weeks later? How about when you said you were faithful to me and I discovered lie after lie once we were apart? When you told me to get over it when I confessed I felt suicidal? Remember when you would make me feel guilty for being so secluded, slowly losing my sense of adventure from when we met? This was because of you. You brought me to the lowest part in my life, to the point that I slowly retreated into myself because of the way our relationship made me feel.

I pity you. Not because of your past, but for your future. You will always be broken. You will always seek out people, objects, even experiences to fill the void in your soul. You will never find anything to fill it. You will spend the rest of your life ruining others to give yourself a temporary happiness. You will plow through more relationships and pretend they are your new soulmate, probably are even there now at this point. You will replace them in an instant and leave them grappling in the wake of your disaster. You will not feel guilt or remorse for what you’ve done, only the people you’ve lost along the way and the way it’s effected your OWN life. And at this point, it’s a pretty high number.

You made me feel for so long that I was the bad one, the damaged one, the crazy one. I beat myself up constantly for believing I wasn’t good enough to have a happy relationship, even a happy life. I became so angry, depressed, and lost because of you. I believed that this would be the rest of my life; trying to give everything I had to a woman who would never give me what I needed in return. Surrenduring all of myself to someone who was disliked by even the closest people in her life. I’ve realized now that the rest of my life would have been short with you. You would have caused my death, my soul would have blackened just as yours did long ago. But I’ve come out with myself and my light. I have gained my old self back, the one that slowly disappeared when we met.

You tried your hardest to break the strong, independent, confident woman that you met. And while my heart took a few beatings, you will not break me. I am stronger than you. I am better than you. I have a heart, a soul, a future. And while I will forgive but never truly forget the way you treated me, I know that one day I will find a beautiful person to replace your disappointing memory. And eventually, it won’t be just words.

I’ve already realized I will never get an apology or even an admittance for the way you treated me. I’ve also realized that you will always blame me for everything. This alone has shown me that you will not change. Every failed relationship in your life has an excuse. Every person that deserted you was the one in the wrong. You will never wake up and realize that you are the problem. I’ve already admitted to my own faults and have taken the necessary steps to change my ways; one being this letter. I have already made the peace with the fact that I made mistakes, we were both to blame. For those instances, I am truly sorry. But I’ve also realized that nothing I could have ever given you would have been enough. If anything, you gave me a chance to finally be happy with myself. For that I thank you. I have finally made peace with my life and what I deserve. Before you I never thought I should have more. Now I know I will.

I hope that one day your damaged soul finds peace and happiness. Whether that’s in this life or the next.

Sincerely, the supposed “love of your life.”