karlak's story

Help, New to Site, My Story

Hi Everyone,

I could not wait to be approved. I have been reading all of the posts for about a week now and so much has hit home with me. I am almost, certain the EX Boyfriend is a N, or maybe a borderline N or maybe just a complete asshole. I don't know. I want to share my story and hear your thoughts.

I am not in breakdown, freak out, cry myself to sleep mode. I have been with EX for 7 years, almost 8. OH, where do I begin. I know this will be long, but I have to get the whole story out, be honest (for once to myself) and then start down the road to a great recovery.

As I was saying 7 years ago I met him, he was married, I was just divorced- I mean JUST divorced. He was outgoing, fun, loud, good looking, very successful, and he came after me with both barrels loaded. He shared how his wife, who was a virgin when he married her, just didn't care about him, never told him he was sexy and she had basically checked out the marriage. He also then shared why he had cheated before in the relationship (big red flag) and whey "she" forced him into being what he did not want to be. Let me back up a bit, probably the reason I did not run right then was due to the fact, that I had also cheated on my ex husband, 1 time, right after my Dad passed and I was just lost!! Cheaters are cowards. I was a cowward and unhappy in my marriage (ex was an alcoholic) and instead of packing up with my son in my arms, I cheated, but have never and will never again. YUCK! Hated myself for that, so I did finally leave. We can discuss my fantastic choice in men later. Ok, back to this dickhead...

So the dickhead swept me off my feet, claiming he would get a divorce, which he did, after he dug and dug and tried to find something on her... which ended up only being alot of credit card debt. He makes well over 100K a year, give me a break.. But OH the LOVE, the LOVE (yeah right) was so special, so amazing, this just had to be the right man for me. So day he decided to leave was New Years Eve, so he cancels plans with me to go be with all the "couple" friends of his- so he can explain "his side" to everyone (Red Flag) You know, his image is everything. Anyway, of course people hated me. I was in a new town, no friends, newly divorced and everyone instantly blamed me for divorce. Talk about a nose dive into insecurity, esp when his ex wife really was/is a classy lady. Anyway, that started him going to bars for next 2 months, only showing up when he wanted to. Saying he needed time to process it all. UGH, ok!! That finally calmed down, and he stared with the "you do as I say, not as I do stuff" WHAT??? When did I become your child? This caused the first breakup- which I left- damn why did I ever go back. He went from telling me how "hot" I was to all the reasons, he loved me, but didn't like me. He started lieing, then came the drugs. OH, the drugs. Meth to be perfectly clear. He started hanging with a rough crowd, under the cover of darkness of course, since he didn't want this Upity friends to know. Oh how crazy I became over this, he huge fights, etc. Man, why would I want to be with someone so weak??? I see how co-dependant I was. Well years go by, there have been drugs, lies and more- it makes my head spin. If I wanted to talk about our relationship, he would clam up, say he was doing the best he could. He would break up with me if I questioned him, and then come back to me saying it was my fault we broke up, cause all he does is love me. So many things, not sure I can list them all. I became angrier and angrier.. I went to counseling on and off, but he would never go. Typical response was, I "KNOW" what they are going to say, nothing they can say that I don't already know. His way of hurting me was pulling away, withholding affection, no sex. If I wanted it, then I had to start it and he would barely touch me, then when I would call him out on it- he would say, I was "crazy" again and what was I talking about. It literally made me crazy. I got away from him about a year ago, I was at a work conference out of town and I lied to him about being in my room- when I was really with my girlfriend. WELL, the reason he knew that was because he broke into my phone account and looked at my call logs. Just like he made me give him my email passwords, etc. I always did, cause I really had nothing to hide. Of course, the favor was never returned. He never told me I looked good, no matter what. When he felt me slipping away, he would come back full force, amazing sex and then he was sorry for what he did, but he only did "that" cause I forced him into it.

Can I just tell you, these are just a "few" of the stories of this torture. He convinced everyone in town I was crazy. We both have sales careers, man this hurt me in my job. We were running with a very high social class of people, which are mostly all cheaters and liars, but you know, image is everything.

Thru all of this, the dickhead has kept in constant contact with his Ex Wife, pays her car payment, she is still on phone plan, insurance, Christmas and Thanksgiving together. His son is 23- do the math, there was no small child at home. He said they were friends and I would just have to accept that. Well last week Tuesday night, I had had a terrible work day, and was crying, just de-stressing- as usual it turned into how much worse his day was. I had a doctor's appt the next day, that he was suppossed to drive me to, well thinking of "his" feelings, said know what, don't worry about me. I can drive. He was like "ok".. So I go to sleep, well I get a text NOT intended for me. So I played along acted like I was sleeping- cause he started blowing up my phone saying that text was from earler when he was coming over. I knew it was for someone else and I knew it was his EX Wife. So I go at 12:30 AM and yep, sure enough he is at Ex Wifes house. I calmy drive to Wal-Mart, buy shoe polish and mark every single square inch of glass on his truck with the word cheater. Came home, texted him a picture- I took pics and videos, so he could tell me I was lying and crazy and said if you ever contact me again- these will go all over FB.. WEll of course he texted me and Ex Wife texted me, they were just doing some paperwork she needed help on. Yeah right. I may act stupid cause I am with him, but Stupid I am not. I have not cried, Im not really angry. He has emailed and texted- I wont' respond. Im just so over it. He will torture me, its coming..... I just need to stay strong. Is he and N? Im all about NC. Started it that night, but I know this will hit me.

I feel like I am rambling, but it would take a book to tell you all that happened. The real issue is I have been co-dependant, pick horrible men, and stay cause I feel bad to hurt anyone. Good Lord make me sick typing that.

I would love your comments, feedback, words of strenght. I feel like I found this site and all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Crazy I a not, a bitch, yes I can be. He didn't like me ever rising up and squaring off with him.. He always ran.. Coward.. HELP>