Narc parent and the way forward
Not sure if I have posted in the wrong thread.
I tried to figure this one out for years but I was never able to pin down what was 'wrong' with my (now dead) father until very recently. The more I read here the more it seems to describe him. I've spent more time and money on therapy in my adult life than I care to tell and not once has any therapist ever used the words 'narcissist' or 'disordered'. It is sad that it's taken a relatively short relationship with a narcopath (adieu asshoooooooooooole) to get the information lacking for so long.
I knew there was something wrong with my father when I was a kid (my mother died when I was a child, never saw him express any emotion, took the piss out of us, never gave us any support; he was having an affair when she died, I wasn't allowed to see her in the last few days or even go to the funeral) and my family just said 'that's the way he is, he'll never change, he loves you in his own way' and I was supposed to just accept that. I never have.
I always felt we were different and substandard compared to other families but reading about all this, the silent treatment for weeks and months (check), the withholding (check), the affairs (check, my father moved a woman I'd never even heard of into our house without telling me he was having a relationship with her, and there she stayed for over 20 years, he told my mother's sister he'd only married my mum to be with her?!), it was all about him and his needs and wants from start to finish, he used and manipulated us, took money off me and my sister, never gave us anything, I never had his attention or interest (he would ignore me totally if we were in the same room) or his love, he took no interest in my achievements (despite my having put myself through university twice, no one in our family ever having gone to college), never looked after me when I was sick (never visited me in hospital). When he was in hospital he phoned me up and laid it on thick asking why I didn't I come to visit him more often (I went as often as I could). He phoned me the night before he died. I said I couldn’t be there but I cried like a baby when I saw his body the next morning, all the guilt…ugh.
My sister is a borderline, ex prostitute, co-dependent depressive, hasn't been out of the house in nearly 10 years, her daughter is a borderline. I'm dislocated from the rest of my family. I try and tell them what they need to do to move forward. They don't get it.
I have never met anyone who has remotely the same dysfunctional family as I do, and as a result I've always felt a profound sense of loneliness in that respect, never spoken to anyone with similar experiences. I have never been able to tell people or relate even to my closest friends as mine is a ‘mask’ of normalcy and their backgrounds are so very different from my own. Finally, FINALLY I think that here I might be able to express myself here and others may have similar experiences. I’m excited by that...is that so wrong?