Relationship that never was
I think I’m finally ready to post this after 5 months NC and a vat of wine.
I met this semblance of a man six years ago while we were working for the same firm.
We hit it off straight away and made each other laugh so much. I was in a long term relationship (15+ years) and had always avoided married men but I found myself really attracted to this guy and loving his company. He wasn’t my type at all. He never pretended to be a ‘nice’ person, he was a shallow conceited show off, a rich spoiled control freak and didn’t give a toss what people thought about him. He had a barely concealed contempt for most people in fact. I just found him very amusing and intriguing. We worked together for months and ended up kissing etc. one night and then he just stopped talking to me. Knowing his need for control I took it to be his guilt and embarrassment at not being able to handle the situation at work.
A year or so later I left to join another company, he got back in touch, been thinking about you but was embarrassed, blah blah. We met up. He offloaded about how awful things were, the job, wife was ill etc. but we would get on great and have a fun night talking and laughing then he’d disappear. We met up again. We finally ended up having sex one night (much as I wanted to see him I refused subsequent offers of sex because I didn’t want to feel used and didn’t want an affair). I felt he was always keeping me at arm’s length, never told me anything about his home life. He then texted me on and off for a few weeks, either angry, moody or horny. He was easily bored. The red flags were there but I didn’t see them or if I did I ignored them. He said I didn’t know him, no one knew him, he was complex, an evil person, had done some horrible things in the past etc. He never expanded on any of this and I couldn’t understand what he was telling me or why he was telling me. Eventually he abruptly and rudely broke off contact, saying ‘someone always gets hurt.’ That was enough for me, I texted him once and got the cold shoulder. I heard through a colleague that his wife was dying and I put his behaviour down to the stress he was under. I had developed strong feelings for but it was a toxic situation, and I had to forget about him, so I never contacted him again.
Two years later out of the blue he got in touch at Christmas. The texts started again (clearly he was thawing me out). This time he really pulled out all the stops, he was available, it was all about having a relationship with me (wife was in a hospice, he was ‘single’, I know that is just horrible) that he’d always had feelings for me, meant to be together, all that shit. This was like a totally different person – he seemed much calmer and finally seemed to be opening up, all interested in me, just so different to how he was before. We met up a month later, got on amazingly well. It is sickening but we would just have the most fun every time I saw him it was like some juvenile fantasy and he told me he was in love with me and asked me to marry him. I have never been married. I told him this was ridiculous but even so just got carried away by it all and the all the guilt I had about his wife and my partner was offset by this total euphoria and finally hearing this guy saying what I wanted to hear. I have no idea how I thought it was ever going to work out, I was just totally in love, totally addicted.
The love bombing continued, he made lots of time for me and we had several ‘dates.’ They never felt like dates before. He had always been overtly sexual but I took it to be that he was just highly sexed. If we sat next to each other he would have an erection. Same thing if we spoke on the phone. I found this weird.
One night we were at a show, He barely watched it, he looked at me all evening, major seduction play with an erection all night then UGH whilst he was stroking my hand he actually took my pulse. We ended up having sex. Once. I told him I loved him, which I had never said before. During sex I had the distinct feeling he was getting off on ‘watching’ himself, so I made him stop. I felt like I was being immature but I didn’t want to feel used. If I’d have felt he loved me I’d have given it all, body and soul. He carried on texting me, ‘I love you so much’, ‘I’m missing you’ etc. but over the next few weeks he seemed increasingly unavailable. He was trying to control everything again, keep me at arms length. Come over/don’t come over. It’s not the right time for the kids to meet you (totally understood that so I never went over). He had the cheek to say he was going to lose interest if he didn’t see me soon, which seemed nonsensical since he was the one who said he was too busy. I tried to be realistic about it, knowing that he wasn’t in a position to have a relationship with anyone at that point and said let’s just stay friends, but no, he didn’t want that, had to call the shots.
He was withdrawing again. He said he needed to spend time with his children, was busy, was a ‘complex’ person. I'm not a passive person, I called him out about all this and he said I was trying to make him choose between me and his kids. This is the man who told his son to ‘get over it’ when he cried about his mother dying. I complained about the pisspoor communication and he didn’t seem to know what I meant.
In one of his later texts he said he was a sociopath. Why would admit this to me??
He went on about how he could control people. He started objectifying me and ‘sexting’. We had an argument about something, I’m not even sure why he was angry with me and stopped speaking to me. I haven’t had any contact in five months. I’m not tempted to contact him and I am sure he won’t contact me. He had told me previously he’d had an affair with another woman the year before (one of many over the years he’s been married I think) yet I couldn’t understand how that lasted for months, yet if I am so amazing, funny, clever, beautiful etc why our on-off non relationship was over before it had really begun.
This has been so difficult, not just trying to forget the feelings I had for him over that period of time when all this charade was clearly in aid of a mercy f*ck and he was after supply. I never wanted to have any involvement with someone who is married, and yet here I also have to come to terms with the fact that I slept with a man whose wife was dying. It’s as well he didn’t prolong our non-relationship any longer and his ‘cycle’ with me was very short. I wish I’d told him to f*ck off. He didn’t rape me or hit me, or take my money but this creep has been in my home and in my bed. It feels like he has taken something from me and that’s difficult to come to terms with - this wasn’t my future husband this was an arsehole, like spam is to real meat, he is synthetic, he never really existed. He clearly has nothing to say to me and no explanations to give. I remain NC. In order to maintain that I need to believe he is a pointless fucking idiot and not worthy of my affection, not some ‘missed opportunity’.