krowten's story

24 years

I have been in a relationship with my narc for 24 years. I have 2 children with him, 11 years apart. My son is 21 and my daughter is 10. Its a very long story, but I'll try to be succinct.
I fell pregnant before we got married. When my son was 4 months old, we got married in court (in community of property). Five years later I initiated a divorce because he had accumulated terrible debt through a business that he had created (using all his mothers savings). The business crashed and we no longer had a roof over our heads and had to go and live with my brother. Also, he was not participating in the upbringing of our son, was never home with us, and was using drugs and lying to me on every front.
I took him back after 6 months.
We never re-married, but have lived together for the rest of the time. I have always been the breadwinner while he has been unemployed for most of the time. He is a drug and porn addict. He physically abused me and when I stood up for myself told everyone (including our psychologist) that I was a verbal abuser. He was always pressuring me for kinky sex and when I refused I got the silent treatment or beaten. I looked after him financially in every way for 22 years while he took drugs and tried to set up his own businesses which failed every time leaving a trail of destruction with many many people. He lied his way through everything and has always told everyone that he going to be a millionaire and it will happen in good time. He borrowed large amounts of money from all my family members without telling me and has never paid them back.

In 2009 he had been going to Narcotics Anonymous, but stopped because he kept relapsing. He saw the movie 'The Secret' and started listening to Esther Hicks CD's (The Law of Attraction). He decided to become a counselor (self-made, with no study or credentials) and started to counsel people at a local community center claiming that he had had an awakening experience. He quickly started counseling people for all kinds of physcological problems that he knew nothing about.
He started staying out late every night - apparently counseling people. He had been counseling a young girl for bulimia and alcoholism. One night I caught them kissing (she was only a few years older than our son). He left the following day leaving my 2 children and I in shock. It was 3 days before my daughters birthday.
He moved in with her a few days later, but their relationship only lasted 3 months.

He managed to get another of his 'patients' to look after him for a full year, paying his rent and catering for all his needs as he was flat broke.
During this year he did not contribute financially to the children in any way but he made sure he gave our daughter a good time using the money of the lady who was looking after him. I missed him terribly and found it difficult to cope with my emotions and my childrens. My son was writing matric and my daughter was in grade 1.

Three months into that year he began grooming me in order to move back in. He dated me and made me believe that I had been the cause of the demise of our relationship as I had never paid him enough attention sexually but that he had always loved me and still did. I took him back in 2011.

He has made himself into a counselor and spiritual writer and has a huge following on facebook teaching the law of attraction. He refused to post pictures of us as a couple but uses our daughter in profile pictures of himself to score points as the good dad. He claims he believes in unconditional love but this relationship is all about his conditions and what I am allowed to do and not do according to him - a great and spiritually evolved person who has a direct line to God and channels spiritual information. He uses his spirituality to make me believe that I am delusional and that I just focus on the negative and am once again driving the relationship into the gutter. Every time I mention how unhappy I am with the fact that he cannot share our relationship on facebook he threatens to end the relationship and walk out. This is his power. Although he is not making enough money to live on his own and I still support us, he knows I do not want him to leave and so he uses it to scare me.

A few weeks ago he blocked me on facebook but yet expects me to carry on with the relationship in 'real life' although he wants everyone on facebook to know we are not a couple. I am now supposed to focus on the good in the relationship, be happy and put my best into it and make things work. He claims I have attracted all this to me and he has done nothing but try to make me happy.

I am exhausted and feel like I just want to die.