It's been almost 18 months since we last talked and I still think about you every day. However, over time, it's less and less and the nature of how I think about you has gone from "missing and wanting you" to "omg...what the hell happened" and "you are one really sick guy".
I've channeled my anger into exercise and, most importantly, taking care of myself and my marriage. I'll forever be working on my guilt of our short lived affair. On the same note, I'm learning to forgive myself for being human. I refuse to not be a loving, caring, empathetic person. You can't take that from me. If there was a life's lesson to learn out of this, I've think I've learned several iifetimes of them. I have to get these out so you can see that I'm the one that has triumped over this while you still live your predatory, evil lifestyle.
Now that I've had time to detox and think more clearly, I realize that you are an unbelievable master manipulator. I've been around manipulative people but you get the prize.
I've made a mental list for months now but need to get these out. I should have know better but, as Oprah says, "When you know better, you do better." That's the best I can do.
I don't know if I can call these "red flags" but I am going to call each of these "what was that?" Your odd behavior/comments....wow....why didn't I see it then?
-After we first connect on Facebook, you wanted to call me and talk by phone. We weren't that close in high school. ??
-After the first call, I thought, that was it. We'd caught up. You kept calling and emailing ??
-Before I knew it, we were texting and sharing very personal information. Oh..that was just me sharing and, in hindsight, what you shared was shallow and emotionless ??
-Within 2 weeks you had me wanting you and counting the days until we saw each other. ??
-You appear to be so successful at your job. I don't get it but, with research, understand you are a bully at work and step over everyone as you've moved up the food chain. No wonder you don't enjoy working in your home office. ??
-You're not attractive at all. I don't know why you shave your head and eyebrows when you still have hair ??
-You told me about your girlfriend who lived long distance but then spoke of all of your dates/break ups in your hometown. I realize now that you were thinking that all impressed me. ??
-In hindsight, you seemed to enjoy telling me of the women that you broke up with or broke up with you and their upset responses. Didn't seem to phase you. ??
-You were able to talk openly of being promiscuous for years and didn't seem to own any shame for that ??
-You seemed only happy of who your ex-wife and girlfriends are (i.e. very well educated women) as they reflect on you but not genuinely what they've accomplished. ??
-Our intimate rendezvous was not "loving", it was demeaning, demanding, and controlling. I'd never had sex like that (not a compliment)
-I've never been "forced" to do some of the things you had me do or demanded I do that I refused and made you angry ??
-You couldn't stay hard, you had to masturbate to finish. I had never been with a man that was like this.
-You were still erect afterwards. ??? Figured later is was Viagra. You are so young for that. Again, I've never been with a man that has needed this.
What I've learned....
-A hell of a lot about personality disorders, NPD, psychopaths/sociopaths.
-you have helped explain my interactions with people who probably had NPD in the past and gave me so much grief
-you've made me aware of the one's that are in my life now
-my parents probably had/have personality disorders and/or NPD
-what a healthy relationship is and what it's not
-that I have an awesome husband who is nothing like you. Boring and predictable and loyal and loving...
-how to re-start my sex life and it's more fulfilling than ever. You were the catalyst for me to look at myself and make all of my relationships better.
-you showed me that there are evil people in the world and changed my paradigm that there may not be good in everyone.
I'm moved past being "naive".
If I feel sorry for anyone it's your ex-wife who had to put up with your crap for 25 years and your daughters who still have to see you.
I believe the energy you put out in the world comes back to you. I hope you get yours!!