GracefullyFree's Story

They Say The Truth Sets You Free

The whole sordid tale would take a literal novel to detail. This, most likely, will be long as it is.

I first met him in early recovery. I am a recovering alcoholic. I'd been warned to do my first year of sobriety single. When I first met him, I thought he was terribly good looking. But, honestly, also not real bright. And his car. His car was always filthy and full of trash. And so I'd initially thought, "Um. No." He had three years of sobriety. So I thought. He was court-ordered to be there, though. Later, I'd learn that he'd managed to cheat his way through even that.

He was with the 'baby mama' at the time and told me a long tale of how he was definitely moving out, that it had been over for a long time, he was just looking for a way. There was red flag number one. Red flag number two was when he acknowledged I was new in sobriety. Red flag number three was when I said yes to seeing him but made it clear no sex would be involved. He ran right over that boundary. I let him. And thus it began.

He'd come here. He'd go back. With a text. No discussion. No adult conversation. He once talked about how he enjoyed manipulating "stupid" people and messing with people's heads. He also told me that he liked me because he could never guess what I was going to say next.

Much much later, I discovered he was drinking. The whole time. Even much later, I discovered he was also addicted to pills and other substances. He would tell me I was his girlfriend one day. The next day, I would be his girlfriend "but we aren't a couple".

Then, as he left the baby mama and spent weeks here, the kids got involved. He would introduce us as 'his family.' In my head, I'd think "no we're not." There hadn't been time. When he got angry with both me and the baby mama, there was another woman. She provided sex and pills.

While back with the baby mama, he got arrested on possession and alcohol related charges. This meant he was going to prison.

I stood by him. I understood. I paid for everything. I took him and the kids on trips.

And the sex? Great. But only when he wanted it. Never if I wanted it and he wasn't in the mood.

At the first arrest, a woman bailed him out who was a friend of a friend of his. He talked about how she wouldn't leave him alone but he had to be nice because he couldn't pay her back. He described her as psycho, a loner, loser, fat, old, ugly, no life. This eventually became the NS/OW.

He triangulated me and the baby mama. I watched as he'd lie to her, ignore her, as he told everyone (and I believed him) what a terrible person and horrible mother she was. He convinced everyone she wanted to take the kids from him. (By the way, this is his second baby mama. The first two kids, he never paid child support for and never saw. They - his family - called her crazy. Now it makes sense why she wouldn't let the kids see him.)

He was horrible with his kids and always had a woman around to truly take care of them. He used women for sex, babysitting, money, attention, you name it.

I was warned. I was warned by people who had known him all along. I was told he was a con artist and would say anything to get what he wants.

One thing he wanted was to always have a woman to drink with. He tried to get me to drink for months. I didn't for a long time. And then I did. It was eye-opening just a couple of months ago when I realized that this was how truly little he ever cared for me (or anyone). He wanted me, a recovering alcoholic, to drink.

Once I did, all bets were off and insanity ensued.

His emotionally-incestuous (if not actual) relationship with his mother was sickening. I listened once as the two of them cooked up a plan to con someone else out of money. They were always cooking up plans. He said if you took advantage of someone, it was their fault for being so stupid.

The people who were his friends turned out to be people only around for three or four months. And even they started talking about how they didn't like him, how he was a user. Not one person ever said 'that's a great guy you've got there.' No one liked him. People would warn me that he wasn't worth it. They'd warn me about the other women. His own mother said he could never be faithful.

I never understood how anyone can think the way he thinks.

He would become a different person around different people.

He took and took and took and never gave even so much as encouragement back. I got used. And manipulated. A lot. I didn't realize being around sick people will make you feel crazy. Or that being lied to and manipulated will make you feel crazy. I was responding in ways that were unlike me. So I would end up apologizing and trying to 'make it right.'

But the longer things went along, somehow, I started getting it. And so I started calling him on his crap. He cheated on every woman. He cheated his way through school. He couldn't be honest to save his life. Looking back, I now realize that this was when I would get what I know now is D&D'd. Which would crush me. The rejection would trigger me to cling, act desperate and foolish, and be willing to make compromises I never thought I would.

I was living in his world. Going places I'd never have gone otherwise. I come from a good family. (If you have an image of a 'typical alcoholic woman'....there isn't one. ;-)) I'm educated. I've had great opportunities in my life. I've traveled. This was a whole different world to me and I still am not sure how I got sucked into it.

At the end, the baby mama finally had enough. His own mommy wouldn't take him in. And I said no. Finally. I had had enough and let him know that I was done. I was done drinking and done with him. I got the whole treatment. I was told I was psycho. I was told I didn't know what real love is. I was told I was fat (which is entirely hysterical, especially considering who became the NS/OW). I didn't see him but I'd get pulled back into talking. He saw two other women while living with the NS/OW for three weeks before he went to prison. Until the weekend before.

I finally told him that he didn't love the baby mama, that she had just been a woman with a house where he could drink, use, fight, screw, and not work. And the OW/NS fit that same description. He kept telling me he didn't love me. And that he loved her and she was a better person. Until he didn't need a place to live anymore. He hovered and I responded. He told me I was the one. He told me he loved me. But not to tell her. That he would when he got to prison. I didn't wait. And he says it's love with them. She's gone on to send him money, letters, and is supporting/keeping his kids.

And me? I've moved on to sobriety, to therapy, back to my friends and family and life. And I finally found this forum and some answers that make sense.

I have never been around someone who could truly be absolutely all about them. It's true. Active alcoholics don't fall in love. We take hostages. But with him, it goes deeper than alcohol.

For a while, I hoped that maybe he would get clean and sober in prison and come out a better man. And that maybe there would be something for us down the road. After all, I also blamed myself and kept thinking I must be the crazy one.

Goldie, you can correct me if I'm wrong. But I've been told he will probably do more drugs in than out. And when he comes out, will probably go right back to it anyway. Not to mention, he's a narcissist at best (given his relationship with his mother and his ability to shut down emotions with no conscience and remorse, along with other attributes....possibly even worse). And that's not going to change.

I got used. I got played. I never mattered. No one did (or does).

So I've moved the focus back to me. Or I'm trying.
Progress is being made and people are noticing I have peace.

I've been reading here for a few weeks. Seeing some of the same stories, descriptions, experiences made it more and more clear what I was dealing with. Recognition. Hope. So some of that new peace is due to all the information and people here. I'm grateful.

Grace