Angel face's Story

The dance

Hello my name is Sharon,
I wrote this before I ever knew this site existed. I was involved with my N on and off for 20 years. I can say now he has seen the last of me. It was painful to realize what he was but now I am so grateful I got him out of my life. Everything was wrong from drug abuse to you name it. These were my feelings and what I eventually saw my life ending up as if I would have not discovered what I did. Thanks to all of you for your stories and insights. Please forgive the profanity I was angry when I wrote this :)

This is why
I almost was a junkie
I am so fucked.. But not really, I will only stay as messed up as I want to be. I have been on a relentless journey to prove something and the truth is I don't have to prove anything. I wrestle with my heart. I'm utterly and completely confused by what I am feeling and the actions I am taking. I feel liberated and I feel lost. I have moments of true happiness and other moments of extreme depression. All of which are results from my own actions. Why won't I cease this merry-go-round?when will I get off this torturous ground? Is the pleasure I'm finding worse than the hell I will be paying? I know in time I will have the answer; but time is cruel and when it comes to a healing heart it seems forever.
I try to make sense of what I am told. I try to make sense of what I feel. I search for answers but when I get them I don't want to believe them. I would rather hear what I want and live in the denial of lack of truth. Its better to feel good about myself than face my reality. My constant contradiction that what I want to believe isn't real. It's a lie and I cant gets myself to see things for what they are. Nothing's perfect. Better to feel perfect even if it's not true. Use me. Abuse me. Tell me you love me. Control  me. I love it when you hold me. It doesn't take much to manipulate me. Take me. Drive me into submission.  I will prove I will do anything to please you. When you have consumed me, leave. Make me realize I must crave you for another time. Don't keep your promises. Make me hang on to your every word. I will always stay. I won't leave. I promise I will behave. I promise I will obey. Please call me. Did I upset you? I am sorry for whatever I did. Do you need any money? Can I see you tomorrow? If not, will you call? Just tell me I am beautiful. Tell me I am your one and only true love. Tell me only I can save you. Tell me without me you won't be able to do anything. I will come running. I will hold your head.  I will console  you. Do you know how beautiful you are? Your so smart. You can do anything. You are my everything. I will do whatever I can. Without you in my life I don't have meaning. It doesn't matter how bad you treat me. Just know I will really be here when you need me. To loose myself in you is all I want. I want to be yours when you need me. Where are you? Why don't you  need me right now? Is there another? I will do better next time. I am sorry. I love you. When I see you I will show you. You can do anything to me. Tell me what to do baby. I am yours for the taking. Do you still want me? It's ok if you need others. I understand.  I will be here. Just call me. I will never leave.  I will take care of you. I will help you. Just don't leave me. Tell me what I want to hear and you will get whatever you want. I will do anything. Please baby don't stop using me. What In the world would I  be good for if I didn't have you?
I love you baby. Your my everything. Where are you going? Will you be home soon ? Where have you been? Did I upset you? I am sorry. No I don't doubt you. Of course I believe you. Why won't you make love to me?  It seems like you don't even look at me.  Why are you upset? No, I don't think I am better. I don't blame you. I know your trying. I am sorry I made you feel bad.  I love you. I will do anything for you. I miss our time and being with you . We used to be inseparable . Everyone thought we were the perfect couple. Do you still love me? I am sorry I upset you. Of course I know you love me. I understand. Your right. Please forgive me. You are doing everything you can. I love holding you. I love it when you hold me. Yes, please take me. Making love feels so good baby. It's like we are one. We belong. Your so charming. Your so beautiful. Anyone would fall in love with you. Please don't leave me. I promise I will take care of you. Do you still think I am be beautiful? I want to please you. I don't care what anyone says. They say you use me and you don't really love me. I won't talk to them anymore. You help me understand. They just want to tear love apart. Your right they are jealous. Please don't be angry. Stop yelling. I am sorry . I promise I won't see them anymore. I don't need my family or my friends. Please stop being upset. Yes I promise I will listen to you from now on. Please forgive me baby. Come here I love you. I love only you. What can I do to prove it? I promise I will do better. Please don't leave me. What would I do? I live for you and only you. Yes, I will do that for you. Is there anything else? I promise baby never again. I understand. Yes they are our enemies. I know your right. There is no love like ours. It's us against the world. What a great love we have. I won't leave. Just tell me I am beautiful. Tell me I am the only thing you live for. I am the reason you want to change. Tell me you love me and I will know everything is ok.  I will be a good girl. No I promise I won't question you again. Your always right. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Yes I will be here. I will never leave. For you have officially succeeded in owning me.

Me being a codependent wrote this to show what I felt would have eventually happened.