Raven333's Story

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#1 Jul 4 - 10PM
Raven333
Raven333's picture

Raven333's Story

Make it go away...

My story begins with a new job placement after a two year leave (due to having children). I was placed in a very challenging environment and was completely overwhelmed from the get go. I met my N on the first day of my job, but he really didn't give me the time of day. It wasn't until a month later when we just happened to sit down and chat that we really talked. After that, we began to spend more and more time together. He was so wonderful and charming. He could make me laugh (something that I had not done in a long time at home...my husband is rather humorless) and I felt like we could talk forever. During this time I began to develop deeper feelings for him. He just seemed so perfect (aside from the fact that he was married too). He treated me so well. As I am sure that you can guess, we ended up having an affair (something I am definitely not proud of). I fell in love with this man. Everything about him seemed so unbelievable.

Eventually there was a shift. It was instantaneous and baffling. He became so angry with me over something that I really had no control over and I ended up apologizing profusely. I remember...it was that moment that changed everything. He started to be cruel to me. He would cut me down, have huge rages over things that seemed so small. I became so fearful of everything. I began totally changing who I was in order to meet with his expectations (he is also from a different ethnic background from me). Because we work together, I felt like I had to walk on eggshells all of the time. Some moments were wonderful, but they were becoming fewer and fewer.

We would end things over "something I did." and then he would come back to see if I was okay and the process would start all over again. it was awful. The worst part was that I kept returning to him. Over and over and over.

I cannot go into details over the things that he did to me at work as it would be too revealing, but let's just say that he crossed some serious lines. It also came to light what a bully he is to other staff members. Nothing so great as what he was doing to me, but not good. He would verbally and emotionally abuse me. He would say things when he was really angry (or yell them) like "You are such a fucking idiot! You are such a fucking bitch! You are sooooo fucking stupid!" And I would take it. I would end up apologizing even though I knew I wasn't wrong. I was fearful of what he would do if I tried to correct him. Again, I wish that I could say more of the shit that he pulled at work, but I can't. It is sooooooo shocking. And yet I am trying to move away from him and I find that I miss him.

How could I be attracted to a person like that? Why would I risk everything for him when he clearly was never going to leave his wife? And honestly I know that he would be a TERRIBLE partner to have. Yet, I am still drawn to him. I still miss him. I have never felt as low about myself as I do with him. I was (and still am a little) constantly wondering if he has another woman. I would question whether he really cared about me. He assured me he did. I miss the person I thought he was. I miss him holding me. I miss laughing and sharing food with him. I know it wasn't real, but it felt real.

I am choosing to move away from him because it is best for me and my family. I feel really really messy. I can't share this with anyone (though I did see a counsellor...so that has helped).

I just want this hurt to go away.

Jul 4 - 10PM
Jenna H
Jenna H's picture

Hi Raven