My cerebral ex narcissist on (also) lacking in sex & intimacy

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#1 June 30, 2012 - 7:50pm

My cerebral ex narcissist on (also) lacking in sex & intimacy

First of all I want to say that we can all (for whatever reason) have times when we don’t feel for having sex or be intimate. This is completely natural. How we deal with it in our relationship differs of course. But in a relationship (no matter how it's defined) between two people loving each other, there will (even with some disagreement) be a natural need to care for and assure each other (empathy), and therefor find a needed compromise. Ultimately resulting in a mutual balance of expectations.

Mutual balance of expectations doesn’t exist in a relationship with narcissists – they don’t care what your expectations are! In short - they don't giva flying f*** about your needs in any way at all. And if they pretend they do (but evidently don't), it's just to make you keep up being their supplyment. This can, among many things, be identified through their twisted explanitions to why expectations, for one a reason or another, is irrelevant. Most probably he will accuse YOU of what a deficeint being you are as reasons to why he think you are making it very hard for him to have expectation with you. It sums up to that they live to control (at any cost) and this will of course - sooner or later - show in how they are in sex and intimacy too. And that's wether your narcissist is cerebral or somatic - he's a narcissist and that's your answer.

And here quoting Sam Vaknin (cerebral narcissist);
“Narcissists are either cerebral or somatic. In other words, they either generate their narcissistic supply by applying their bodies (somatic) or by applying their minds (cerebral).

It is a mistake to assume type-constancy. In other words, all narcissists are BOTH cerebral and somatic. In each narcissist, one of the types is dominant. So, the narcissist is either OVERWHELMINGLY cerebral - or DOMINANTLY somatic. But the other type, the recessive (manifested less frequently) type, is there. It is lurking, waiting to erupt.
The narcissist swings between his dominant type and his recessive type. The latter is expressed mainly as a result of a major narcissistic injury or life crisis.”

Sam Vaknin suggests that cerebral narcissists prefer living in celibacy even in a relationship – I do not agree with that. My ex narcissist was definitely mostly cerebral, but we had sex, though less and less frequently and in the end practically not. In the last 2 + years of our approx 5 year long rollercoaster relationship (living apart, living together, living apart, living together, living part for so many sick reasons), our sex life would slowly and safe pretty much mutate into an alien comparing with the first years, where we’d enjoy passionate and frequent sex in many (some sick) varieties. Even aside from him withholding it now and then, needing the high of control on that account, “no sex & intimacy” would be a huge contrast to our “normal”.

The somatic side of him would show up – as Sam Vaknin describe it – when it was needed to gain more control (supply). For an example when he felt I redraw from the craziness, and then he of course would screw around with other women and probably men too (it is suggested that cerebral narcissists are latent – hidden, not yet outed – homosexuals. I’m not sure I fully agree to that, even though my cerebral narcissist had several bisexual experiences).

More later...

July 4, 2012 - 9:16am

"THE" exnarch (not going to

"THE" exnarch (not going to call him MY exnarch any longer)....was both of course. He could be lovey dovey AT TIMES all throughout our 18 year relationship. IF it suited him. But, for hte most part, and more and more as our relationship continued to deteriorate (and I spoke up questioning more and more...which results in more and more distance)...he was not that interested in sex. However, I will say, he was ALWAYS like this. I just did not take it as a red flag. BUT even in beginning, he showed strange and for a 24 year old major good looking stud....was oddly 'distant' and disinterested about sexuality....except he masturbated constantly and preferred porn to our sexual relationship. And a major red flag, if I presented my own sensuality in any assertive just pissed him off and was a major turn off to him.

He could play hte part if he wanted to...but the intimacy and real love was just never there. It took me years and years to realize that all the "haze"...and distraction, and blame and my "fault" was really simple....NO LOVE, NO REAL INTIMACY.

But, in general, he could act the affectionate part....but it was fake with nothing behind it.

July 5, 2012 - 12:36pm (Reply to #5)

Oh my, oh no, oh SHIT!

Missymiller, big trigger for me when you stated "major red flag if I presented my own sensuality in any assertive just pissed him off and was a major turn off to him." Before marriage (nearly 4 years before married) sex was pretty good (not the best I've ever had, but good). AFTER THE WEDDING?? ONLY missionary position, NO foreplay, & slam-bam-thank-you-ma'm! & he would NOT discuss/talk about/answer my questions about the "change". NOW I know he has MAJOR madonna/whore issues. Your post triggered a memory for me that I hadn't thought about in years. One time we were away for the weekend - out of town relative's wedding - back in our room & I walked over to him & kissed him passionately - he kissed me back (but not with much passion). I then reached down & started to unbuckle his belt........& he put his hands on my shoulders, pushed me back, & said (harshly) "just go to bed!" WTF????? I was so stunned, hurt, confused - he just treated me like I was some kind of discusting whore because I tried to INITIATE SEX?? He never minded this BEFORE the wedding! I NEVER AGAIN initiated sex. Funny how I blocked that incident until you mentioned " OWN SENSUALITY!" He is the ONLY man who ever did NOT enjoy my comfort & awareness with my sexuality.

The porn/masturbation crap fits too. More validation that I'M NOT THE PROBLEM HERE! THANK YOU!

March 10, 2013 - 8:41pm (Reply to #7)

Your post gave me validation...thankyou

Reading your post gave me the validation that I wasn't the problem. The coldness, the distance, the perfunctory of it all. I put it down to inexperience on his part, though he was 30, and in 19 years he didn't improve. I thought it was me. I wasn't attractive etc etc. but he never. Ever. Spoke. To me about it. He just wouldn't. I wonder if that's why he went for a 22 year old, young enough to have no questions....yet!

July 5, 2012 - 8:06pm (Reply to #6)

Yep. He had real issues if I

Yep. He had real issues if I wanted to express my sensuality. Just freakin wierd...because men I've been with seem to love it...only him (my husband for darn sake) had a problem with it. He wouldn't buy me lingerie for example, or set up any kind of opportunuty for us to connect fact...often on vacations, when we had ZERO stress and all teh time in teh world, WE WOULD NOT HAVE SEX ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!

Strange, strange. But for years, and because he told me this, I was unattractive, out of shape, etc. etc.

I'm a very attractive woman, always have been and have never had any problem attracting attn from men. But, he went out of his way to demean me so that - why? - he could avoid genuine intimacy. Yep.

July 4, 2012 - 3:14am


You and Sam V describe the situation well.

Especially what you said about Control.

"when it was needed to gain more control (supply). For an example when he felt I redraw from the craziness,"

It's all about control.

The exnh-psychopath went out and had a gay affair after I left him.
This puzzled me for a while.
But Thomas Sheridan explains it, that they will have sex regardless of orientation for CONTROL -- as it suits their needs. The exnh-pscyhopath needs to look heterosexual for most reasons, but leans homosexual in many regards -- perhaps he is More Gay than Not.
Doesn't matter, really.

But it's good to solve that Cognitive Dissonance that I'm trying to free myself of.

July 4, 2012 - 1:15am

Mine was definitely cerebral.

Mine was definitely cerebral. After a while he would recoil from my touch if I accidentally brushed up against him. Not knowing what I was dealing with, I didn't understand why after two months of a fantastic sex life suddenly I was repulsive. I still haven't gotten over that part of it.

June 30, 2012 - 10:02pm


When I met my xN, she was about 8 months out of a twenty year LTR she had. Later I was to learn her X finally had had enough of xN's selfish behavior and basically gave her an ultimatum that if X wanted to go on yet another solo hiking expedition (always the thrill seeker) and walk out on their relationship once again that she should not come back. Of course, xN painted quite a different picture to me in the beginning. It was all her x's fault for being "inappropriate" with their business clients and having too many flirtatious communications with these and other women. She was probably starved for any kind of attention or affection!!
Anyway, I believe it was after this huge narcisstic injury or life crisis that she entered the somatic phase. She lost an immense amount of weight, became obsessive about food and exercise, and this culminated in her targeting and conquering of me and the non-stop marathon sex that followed (sorry hope not too graphic).
Having read Sam V, you probably are aware that the recessive type (somatic) will resurface during times of life crisis. They also will have "journeys" and undergo a period of cleansing like behavior, then re-emerge energized having had this "catharthis".
Of course while all this is happening and we are being swept off our feet by Mr. or Ms. Wonderful, most of us had no clue what was really going on!
All the sex initiates attachment and bonding in us and a HUGE Oxytocin release, but to them is simply all about control and domination, and providing them the neccessary fuel for their metamorphosis and much needed replenishment of SUPPLY.
I read alot about this in "Women who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra Brown. I highly recommend this book.
Anyway, please forgive my rambling and thanks for sharing. I look forward to more of your posts.

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