Deserve better's story

My story began in 1972. I was a college student. I had recently broken off my engagement. One day, I found a card under my door. My heart raced! My true love wanted me back! No! This card was from someone I didn't know. A recent transfer student. I found it odd that he gave me this card and that he knew which drom room was mine. Oh well, it was just a nice gesture. Then he started coming over. Spending HOURS talking to me about his childhood. We came from such different backgrounds...he was Black and I was as caucasian as they come!!! By Christmas, he had given me a beautiful black pearl necklace. I returned it...it was too much...but he insisted...said it was because I was such a good friend. Soon I found myself falling for him - thinking about him - wondering what ti would be like to be with him. We kissed, but I would not allow it to go any further. I knew this would lead no where, so one day I told him that I could not see him anymore. He walked away and never looked back. A few months later, the love of my life that I was engaged to, returned. But something had changed. I found myself obsessing about N. A year later, I walked over to his dorm room. Told him I missed him. We picked up where we left off. And then, one night, he bacame my "first". Quite significant for this sheltered white girl/woman! Oh how I loved him!!! We spent everyday and every night together. Summer came and I moved to an apartment. He was there every night. Enter my ex...he wanted to get back together. No, I told him. I was involved with N and I loved him!!! Mr X was in shock. He knew that his good little Christian girlfriend was walking down a bad path with a pagan. SOmething he said clicked because I told N that what we were doing was not right. I loved him, but what we were doing was wrong according to my belief system. Sex outside of marriage was not God's plan I told him. Once again he walked away. I was miserable. I didn't want my X, and I missed my N. I went through a horrible summer. On Labor Day, I went to campus to see N. I had graduated by this time, and he still had a semester to finish. This is when Phase 2 began. No longer was I his cute litlle cheerleader girlfriend. I was off campus and he had fresh supply. He came to my apartment only when he wanted sex. If I wanted to see him, I was usually ignored. I went to one of his last basketball games to see him play. I waited for him after the game. He ignored me...walked right past me with his new supply. By spring, I was pregnant. Legal abortions were something relatively new. I pleaded with him to come with me. He was stone cold. I wanted this baby. I loved this baby. But what kind of future would I have as a single mother with a bi-racial baby? Common now, but very unheard of in the mied-West in the 70's. He did show up at church the next day, however. Asked me how I was and if everything was ok. Later he asked me to come over to his place for a picnic. I did. It was a setup for sex. Finally it hit me. NEVER had I felt so betrayed and used. I told him that I NEVER wanted to see him or hear from him again. He called the next day and said, "If you ever need me, just call out my name and I'll be there." I spent many lonely years alone after that. Seven years later I married. Typical EMPATH...I married not for love. His wife died and he was raising four children. I wanted my life to count. I wanted to help him and his kids. We have been married 30 years. He loves me unconditionally. I told him all about my past. In thoses 30 years, I thought very little about N. I did think a lot about my X and how foolish I was to pick N over him. My whole adult life I have somehow felt stuck...living and re-living my past rather that enjoying the present. Then we went through Hurricane Katrina...lost everything. Long story short, one night I called N.. He welcomed me as if nothing had happened. Spent some beautiful months wondering what would have happened if... And then I did something "horrible"...i asked why he wasn't there for me when I was pregnant. He lashed out. "What is wrong with YOU? I am not the same man as I was back then!" SLowly things changed. I experienced the whole N cycle. It was a true blessing when I found out that N had a name and that I was not alone. I have been caught in his web for four years. I am now on the path of healing. Somedays still really hurt. Often I stumble and love to read his texts of "love"...even though I know its all a trap. Sometimes those words just feel like salve to my bruised and battered heart. All I can say now is that I am thankful for this forum. I am thankful for the women that have reached out and are willing to stand with me as I try to stay on the path. I'm trying to be more gentle with myself. I'm trying to see that I have received a lot of trauma and abuse from this man and that now I have to heal. It's hard...everyday is hard...I want his counterfeit love...I don't know why, but I still miss him and love him...the journey is hard, but I want healing, I CHOOSE HEALING!!!! And so, the journey continues. I hope one day I can help others on this journey. I hope that one day my mess can be my message. Someday...