cookie's story

I think I was dating a narc?

Hello!
I went out with a guy for just under 2 months. I described it as the most emotionally tumultuous 2 months of my life. It started off well, but quickly took a turn for the worse and I didn't know why. I really had no in depth knowledge of narcissism until very recently, but had said to my friend that this guy was almost "pathologically self centered". I think I've had an epiphany that he was a narc but I guess not 100% sure it wasn't a "he's just not into you" situation.

I met the guy online. Handsome, accomplished, cultured, attorney and journalist. Lots of friends and well connected. It did cross my mind why he was online if he had so many friends and connections. Anyway, initially, he acted perfectly. We emailed a little, then he asked me to see a play with him. He set up a date 1.5 weeks in advance and called me a couple of times before, and sent texts to see how I was doing or say hi.

We went to the play, and out another 2 times that week. He texted me the morning after our 3rd date (a friday a.m.) and asked me to go out Sunday. I said yes, that'd be great. Later at 4 p.m., he texted to ask what i was doing that night. I said I had dinner plans. He said that if it wasn't too late, I should come over for drinks and to watch a movie. I texted saying "that'd be nice but I had dinner plans at 8 and it might be too late." I said I'd get in touch if I was done early or things changed. I immediately got a text that said - "Too late? (sad trombone noise) That is someone who is not attracted to me. Ciao Bella!" Really? At that point, I was into him and couldn't understand this reaction. Of course, I texted him back trying to figure out what the heck was going on and telling him I wanted to discuss it. He refused to talk to me - then finally gave in.

I had a discussion with him at this house in which he said that he thought I was "just making time with him" and that other girls had done this. Also, by not wanting to come over on a Friday, I was "placing him into a safe time slot". Which wasn't the case - i already had plans. And we talked previously about Sat night but HE had plans. He said he already had tons of friends and didn't need any more friends. He said he didn't have time to chase me as his life was so busy, and he was used to doting women. He saw my behavior as "stoic". Now I am not exactly bubbly and I'm a little shy - but don't think I'm stoic. I explained to him that I was kind of shy, and I really liked him, but hadn't known him long and was trying to get to know him. We then talked about what we wanted, and it appeared we were both on the same page re: not wanting to play games, wanting a serious relationship, etc, and we decided we'd continue dating. I thought well, "this came about in a weird way, but at least now we know we're on the same page. I guess he was just feeling insecure". Although, I was kind of walking on eggshells after that b/c if he had misinterpreted my signals before, it could happen again, right?

The next weeks, we continued to date, he invited me to a birthday dinner to meet all of his friends, etc. That went pretty well. He was talking to some friends about a job opp. a couple of hours away. He said that he'd be back every weekend b/c of me. So naturally, I thought this was headed in a good direction. The Monday after the birthday dinner, I asked him to come over later that week and I'd make him dinner for his birthday (sort of my gift since the other dinner was from the friends) He told me that work was busy and he had no time and to have a good week. I'm thinking huh? Then he proceeded to not contact me all week. I was so hurt. I just didn't get it b/c no matter how busy one is, you can make a quick phone call or text.

I saw him after that and I asked him in an open and non-judgmental way what was going on. I told him that I liked him but he had been absent. I said I understood his job was crazy (and reality was that it was very busy) but I needed to know whether he was "in" this relationship. I said that I'm open and flexible but I can't go on nothing. He said that he just really had no time and that things would be better in summer (2 months away) and that he knew it wasn't fair but could I wait for him without seeing other people? He said he totally understood what I was saying and he was "on notice". We never really resolved anything.

I saw him the next weekend. We had a really nice night. Then, he didn't call. After 4 days I texted and said hi, how was the holiday and weekend. He responded it was great, but they told him he needed to bill more hours at work and he needed another job and was looking out of state. I responded expressing sympathy and asking was there nothing local and "reminding" him that I was on my way out of state for a work trip. NO RESPONSE. Not even a - "have a safe flight" Really? Not even a - "oh, how was YOUR holiday"

I waited about 10 days and after receiving no contact, I got angry, figured the whole thing was over, and put up my online dating profile again. Then I took it down, feeling like I shouldn't have it up until things with they guy were resolved. It seemed like the minute I took mine down again, his popped up. I was so enraged. I mean - wasn't he "busy". Also, I felt that we were together enough that he owed me some sort of breakup conversation for closure. I approached him with an open heart the whole time so why did he feel it was ok to just disappear? I tried many times futily to get an explantion and he completely ignored me. I really did not want to think he was an a-hole. Now I am sorry for doing that b/c I realize that if he's a narc, he probably just LOVED all that attention.

My reasons for thinking he's a narc-
-it was all about him. He expected me to jump and run for him but when I tried to schedule something he balked.
-the crazy text msg about me "not being attracted to him" and the fact that he expected instant adoration
-acted very genteel, best clothes (Burberry), facials, image conscious
-name dropping. Mentioned his connected stepdad's name often to me and others, and to get special treatment at times.
-Mind games and I was totally off balance
-Initially great behavior and into me but when he knew he had me he totally backed off. This was so frustrating b/c I knew that he knew how to act better, b/c he had done it before!

What do people think? Does he sound like a narc?

I guess I'm lucky it ended so soon, before he could do too much damage, whether or not he was a narc or a garden variety jerk.

Thanks for reading & sorry this is so long!