AngelaD's Story

(long read)

I have been reading the stories on this website for about a week now, and I finally understand what I've been through. I am 50 years old, intelligent, attractive, and I have accomplished many things in my life. Unfortunately, I've been married 3 times. The last two are NARCs. I'm a prime target for them. Through the last six months of counseling, I've come to understand my issues; a father who showed no love, distorted views of what love is from that childhood, and such a strong desire to be loved that I allow myself to be treated very badly.

I met my NH online. I was not looking for love on MySpace, but he knew all about fishing there. Everything was wonderful in the beginning. On our third date, I "knew" he was the one for me. He always had such great explanations for the things that should have been red flags to me. A couple of months after I met N, I was contacted by two women who wanted me to know what N had done to them. They had some pretty bad stories. Of course, N said they were just crazy women who wanted him back and they would stop at nothing to get him back. He ridiculed the fact that I even read their messages. It was all nonsense and I was a drama queen to take part in it, so he said. I thought since I knew him and had already fallen in love, I should believe him. I didn't know these women and he did, so I trusted his words. Big mistake. A couple of months later, he moved into my house with me. He didn't have a real job, so I continued to pay all the bills. When he did have money from his once or twice a month jobs, he would spend it on food and drink for the two of us. He was also big on buying the whole bar rounds of drinks and making himself look like a great guy (so he thought).

His manipulation of me was confusing to me. I recognized something was going on that wasn't right, but I just could not get a handle on it. I rejected his shadowy insults, and the way he was always sure he was right and I was wrong about just about everything. As I came to find out, N is a raging alcoholic. I always blamed the weirdness and confusing signals on the alcohol. There were always OW in the picture in some manner. I would catch him instant messaging with women when I came home from work or late at night. He always said they were "just friends" and that I was paranoid/jealous. I found sexual text messages and hundred of calls on his phone to other women. He password protected and locked down his phone and computer so I couldn't find out anything while telling me it was for my own good because I always looking for trouble. This was also the reason he lied to me all the time, to protect me. He has a perverted sexual nature too. He's a member on a BDSM site, watches BDSM porn all the time, likes to have violent sex, and apparently likes to get women together for threesomes when he isn't living with me. I would have no part of any of that when he suggested it to me multiple times. Of course, when I told him he was twisted he said he was "just joking". He definitely has the Madonna/Whore frame of mind.

While he lived with me the first two years, I kicked him out a few of times because of his bad behavior. He managed to work his way back in by telling me he had changed all the bad behaviors that he knew I wanted him to change. "He wasn't drinking, he would accept my family, he was eating healthy, etc." He was back to treating me like a queen again, at least for awhile. Once I let him back in, the bad behaviors always came back within a short time.

One of the times that I took him back, he started talking about marrying me. He gave me a beautiful ring (he had a steady job by this time). I wanted to wait at least a year before marrying him, but he insisted that we get married asap. We were married within 5 months. Two months after we married, he attacked me physically and was arrested for domestic battery. The night that happened, he had also gone up to the bedroom and loaded one of his guns. I don't know why he did that, maybe he was in such a rage that he wanted to kill me. The police took him to jail and took his guns, which he later got back. He was so remorseful, blah, blah; so I helped him get out of that with a lesser charge. I feel like such an idiot now. Several months later, we got in a huge on-going argument because my 24 year old son needed a place to stay for awhile and I let him stay with us. My son is a good kid and never caused any trouble, but NH didn't want him around so made me choose between my son and him. I chose my son and NH moved out. NH moved back in a few months later, then out again. The last time he moved out, I filed for divorce. He refused to sign the divorce papers, then his cat died, then his mom got sick, and he came running to me for support.

He bought the family farm from his mom after she got too sick to live there anymore. He begged me to move out there with him. I refused and refused, but finally gave in. Everything was going to be different this time. He would not be so stressed and it would be good for us. I gave in and I dropped the divorce. Living out there was 5 months of PURE HELL. He became far worse than he had ever been. He became much more controlling, verbally abusive and physically abusive; but in a sneakier way that I didn't recognize as physical abuse at the time. He was always mad about something, always negative. His drinking was blamed on me, the dogs, my kids, whatever. He started coming home later in the evenings a few times a week, said he had to work late, but I don't believe now that he was working late. He got drunk all the time and many times got out his guns to play with them (I think he was actually trying to scare me with them). He said the furnace was broken and refused to fix it so I lived in the winter cold with intermittent heat. He tried to get me to buy a handgun that was exactly like one that he had just bought, and something told me that was part of a plan he had to kill me and make it look like suicide. I let him know at some point that he was no longer a beneficiary on my life insurance and he cannot get his hands on my inheritance because I don't even have it yet, so I'm still alive. The final straw was when he shut off the electricity to the house and said we didn't need electricity. I moved out that day.

I stayed away from him for 4 months. I filed for divorce again. We live in a small town community, so I heard things about him. I told people not to talk to me about him, but I always heard stuff anyway. He has a new supply and she has children. I'm really scared for them all and I tried to warn her, but it was too late. She's already hooked. I started talking to him about 6 weeks ago and he almost sucked me back in, but I didn't let it happen...barely. He wanted to carry on with the new supply and me at the same time and I said no. He even told me that he is "Just pretending" with her and her kids. Thanks to this website, I know I must maintain NC in order to end this relationship once and for all, but I also believe that he will try to get back with me again if I allow contact. I could call him right now and we would be back in it. No way am I going to let that happen.

NH constantly lied to me, gaslighted, and abused(mentally and physically) me the entire 5 years that I've been involved with him. He cheated on me with more women than I can even count. In all the time he lived with me, he never paid a single bill. The 5 months I lived with him, he made me pay bills. I cannot let him suck me in anymore. I am confident that finding this website and the wealth of information here is going to help me get away from him for good.

Thank you.