What I did with the $7,000 check

I posted last week that my NexBF gave me a note and a check for $7,000. Thank you so much for your advice...your suggestions touched me and helped me come to a decision that feels right in my heart. I was initially surprised when I read your comments because my immediate reaction to opening that letter was disgust that he was trying to "pay me off" for damages for which he has no appreciation or insight (being a narcissist) My counselor felt the same as I did... that it would be dishonorable to accept that "dirty" money, give him that power, and reward his bad behavior. I compared it to feeling like a prostitute. My counselor made the point, "Janaki, when you came to me in December, you felt worthless and were ready to dig your grave because of how he treated you. $7,000 does not even begin to compare to what he did. Sorry to be flippant, but prostitution is a much more honest business than his."

However, I wanted justice and to be assertive and purposeful...ripping up that check did not feel right . Your comments moved me. I knew that I would benefit from that money and a lot of positive, honest, emotionally generous people in this world (my mother, those of you on this site,friends in need) would also benefit from that money. But what I decided is that we will benefit...but NOT from HIS money. I will benefit from what I carry from within, from the positive energy that I acquired from this experience... I love Kelly Clarkson's song "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger". His dirty money is not a means to an end. I am a means to an end, we are a means to an end, we who love. I am helping my mom and my aunt now, and the kids I tutor, and in the future I will help my patients in psychiatry. I will get the money I need to support myself and others through these actions. I don't want money from someone who is overflowing with entitlement, rage, fear, and jealousy.

I decided to send the check and the note to the N's brother at the University of Chicago. This is the note that I included:

"I received this note and check from your brother (he asked my friend to give it to me). Please help your brother to heal his childhood wounds. It is never too late. Money is not the answer. It may be necessary, but it is never sufficient. It is an end, but not the means. Money is only useful in the context of love (for self and others), integrity curiosity, and creativity. These are the ingredients of an internal locus of control, without which happiness and freedom are rather elusive. “Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”

Sincerely,
Janaki

UChicago 2004

There is a SMALL chance something positive can come of it. Better chance now than later, since the probability that a Narcissist will see the light and do the work to become healthy decreases with every decade of their denial...
Regardless, I do believe that the family of people with psych disorders (especially thoses involving lack of insight) are the only ones who have some power and some interest in addressing the issues. I have no idea what the character of the N's brother is (I'm banking on the small chance that he actually has turned out to be an assertive, secure person). I do know that he has helped the N (his younger brother) with his endeavors in Economics. If he only knew what the N says about him behind his back! I can't imagine talking about my brothers (who I love and admire) in the way that the N has done about his. The N told me that his brother was privileged to be admitted to Harvard and earn a PhD in economics and lots of teaching awards ONLY because he studied all the time...while the N went to a less prestigious program because he was a more BALANCED person who excelled in acting, dancing, and soccer. The N also told me that his brother had a terrible temper, smoked like a chimney, and that their mother loved him more than his brother because the N is a better human being. Now how old are we? What secure man says these things? Oh, and that the woman that his brother just married after 8 years of living together cries all the time because his brother is impossible to live with. The N was even reluctant to attend his own brother's wedding in Greece last summer because he didn't have the "time to spare..."

The N has serious childhood wounds. As an aggressor, a taker, he is the ultimate victim. He is even more a victim than the victims that he is a magnet for: those more passive, enabling personalities like me and my mom who responded to childhood wounds with emotionally generous, codependent, giving behavior. At least we have empathy, and we will humble ourselves to therapy, we are learning to love ourselves and tread the assertive path!

The N is educated with a PhD in Economics and the product of a family of high status (his father is a Greek ambassador and his mother is an attorney for the government), and now he can go earn a lot of money at the Federal Reserve Bank. The only catch is, he has an EXTERNAL locus of control so he has to shit on other people or fish for compliments to better about himself. He can't be honest with himself or with anyone else. The ONLY thing he could ever do to make amends to me is to get therapy...heal his wounds, find out who he is and what he wants, and go on his way. He must relate to himself as a human being before he can possibly relate to anyone else as a human being. He owes this to himself and to the world.

I almost let myself be brainwashed into a grave by this emotional two year old! Everyone on this site who has helped me see the light through your positive, witty, insightful posts and comments is so wonderful. Thank you so much! We are good enough for ourselves, and we are good for each other =)

Beijão!

Janakita