Ladyenred's Story

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#1 May 27 - 7PM
Ladyenred
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Ladyenred's Story

Is it him or is it me?

First thank you to everyone for being here for us. I too am just figuring out things about my ex narc. We were together for 14 years. I knew at the outset that something was wrong. He was so critical of me - how I looked - what I chose to wear- even the perfume I wore. He wanted me to be "natural" and not do anything for myself. What I didnt realize was his motive was so there was more money for him to do for himself. Over the years he alienated my children from me and we were estranged from one another for over 10 years. He talked me into selling my home and purchasing another larger (more expensive) home. Please notice - I said I - not we. When he came into the relationship he had nothing but debt and financial problems. He hadnt filed taxes in more than 15 years and hadnt ever paid child support for kids who were now grown. He owed more than $15000 in back child support and when questioned about it, he said "She wouldnt let me see the kids, so I just wasnt going to pay her! She has welfare to take care of her" He was good about working - but he spent as much as he made. Video games; hunting equipment; fishing tackle; 4 wheel drives; memberships to clubs; you name it...he had it. We had several gaming systems, always the best of everything. He got into wood working because I expressed an interest - which meant he had to do it better so he could show me how I was doing things WRONG. It amazed me that I wasnt able to do anything right-from cooking to driving to even making the bed. He was always correcting me. I started reading lots of stuff - Visited Dr. Irene's sight alot. I thought it was more just immaturity and selfishness. I didnt see it for what it was- a severe personality disorder. We separated and got back together several times, always with me begging him to come home. I sacrificed my family and worse- myself -just to please him and got nothing back. Oh there were those moments - in front of friends and family where he would sing my praises and tell me how I was the best thing that ever happened to him and how much he loved me. No one knew the truth except me, and I had begun to belive I was the bad one. I was the one causing all the fights. I was the one who was trying to "control" things. Admittedly I have a control issue. I tried to own my part of the bad times. After a while I became ok with his living in a virtual world, while I slept alone and lonely. Our intimacy came to an end over 10 years ago. I struggled to understand. Was it me - do you need to see a doctor- maybe I am getting fat- maybe I am not good enough...you name it, I sought the answer. All he could tell me was that it was more trouble than it was worth and he didnt really want a sexual relationship with me but he just couldnt understand why I wasnt willing to do what he wanted which was just cuddle platonically. I became so angry and resentful. We didnt kiss-didnt touch- had no private conversations. Our time together became eating dinner in front of the telvision, and him going off to play his games in the other room. We slept in the same bed but there was a wall of pillows between us to insure no touching. Weekends were only ok if we were out spending money- mostly on things for him. I learned that if I got something for the house or for myself- that insured he would spend at least equal on things he didnt need, but wanted to "upgrade". We just couldnt afford it. Over the past 4-5 years, his work became very slow and he worked part time at best. Maybe 20 hours a week. Meanwhile, I am working 2 jobs. He stays home and plays video games and "relaxes" until its time to call me and ask about what I want to cook for dinner. REALLLLY? Dont get me too wrong he would occasionally do the laundry or take care of one of the myriad of things I had begged him to do, like take care of his pets, or change the AC filters. 6 months ago, my son and his GF and my 15 yr old grandson came to live with us. While he suggested the arrangement he knew I would have them with us regardless of what he said. He was happy. He had new playmates in my son and grandson. They all played video games together, went hunting, joined trap and skeet clubs - everything was "fine" However I was still very lonely and he was still very critical. After a while- he stopped having dinner with the family. Refused to speak to anyone and was frequently rude or mean. Whenever he managed to join us for dinner he was critical and never even bothered a thank you. Two months ago, his family was coming for a visit- and he asked me where they would sleep, since our 2 spare rooms were occupied by my son and his family. I suggested that either we could give up our room and sleep on the sofas or that my son would give up his room and they could sleep there. He was NOT happy with that response and told me that it was an unacceptable solution. A few weeks later I decided that I had to speak to him about how unhappy I was, and I was sure he was too. I thought I had an epiphany and decided to ASK questions instead of making statements. Thought it was hard to argue with questions- I was doing everyhing to avoid a fight. I asked him if he was unhappy- he replied that he was - but that he was doing something about it. When I questioned him- he told me he was moving out. Just like that. I asked him about counseling (again) and he said no that he had enough and he just wanted to be alone. I left for the next few days as I was so hurt that he couldnt even talk to me about it. The next Monday I went to the bank and learned that he had cleaned out our bank accounts before he had ever said anything to me. He took all of our savings! I quickly got home - changed the locks and shut off his cell phone. I also closed every account we had together so he couldnt do anymore damage. Remember,his credit was horrible so all the credit debt was in my name. He said TOO BAD....your bills, not mine. He was FURIOUS when I wouldnt let him back in the house to stay the next week until his apartment was ready! Over the next few days he would call and say he wanted something specific- and would make arrangements to come and get it- then change the plans at the last minute. I knew he was trying to keep me off balance. I was so hurt and angry- I was trying hard to protect myself emotionally and financially. I packed all of his things, restrained from breaking things or tearing up things. It was important for me to take the high road. I gave him everthing he asked for and more. I wanted it OVER. I wanted him GONE. He has been gone now for over 2 months and I have not heard a word from him. I am relieved. However his family DID come and they posted lots of stuff on facebook about what a wonderful man he was and how anyone would be so lucky to have him and how no ONE was going to get him down. He is playing the VICTIM! I dont know what he said to my neighborhood friends before he left but no one is speaking to me anymore. We had a close knit group and not one call from anyone to see if I am ok. It makes me so mad. I am working on getting myself back together emotionally and financially. Thankfully I am able to recover and my son helps out with the mortgage and food. I have tried to get this all in a synopsis there is so much more to say. Please what I need to know......am I the crazymaker here? Am I the one at fault and just looking to make him the bad guy? Or am I right, he is a true NARC who cant stand me to be happy without him?

May 29 - 3PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Dear Ladyenred...

spinning

Jun 2 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Ladyenred
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Thanks for the reply