Over Over Over !
Over Over Over !
Hello Ladies & Gents , some of you may or may not remember me I was here 3 years ago and then went back, I have come to realize your not done until your DONE, and I like so many of us failed to open my eyes and still held on to the dream of being a "FAMILY" but not anymore .. This time I have No intention of allowing him to rip at me anymore. One thing I have learned from all this is I must love my self since he's been gone & I am finding that love. He use to say to me " how can you say you love me or anyone for that matter when you don't love yourself?" I never shall the importance of loving myself and in part he was to blame, but I was also & I was never taught to love myself. I thought loving someone more than I loved myself was the best gift of all. Not true , you must love yourself in order to be fully happy & fulfilled, then your love for others will be better than ever. I am learning, finally I have started Therapy for me, I am taking the steps to fully recovering from this nightmare! I know it is a battle & I will have good days and bad , that's okay ! At least this battle is uphill.
Over . . .
No more chances for change , I should have given up after 20 or so , at least before 11 years had gone by . In recent times you said to me " you haven't changed since the day I met you" maybe I haven't I mean I did stay with you which should have been the first change I made. Fact is you never changed , you made more excuses than you claimed I did, " if you change by doing this I will treat you better" ," let me try try try to pick up this pen , oh I can't " your famous words .. Glad I can now see how twisted your words are. .
Since I met you it has been an endless struggle that has not in the least been productive, instead was full of hate and depression. The biggest problem with all of this is I failed to open my god damn eyes & instead I let go of what was important to me to keep my family intact. Well as I awaken to reality , I see more & more that I wasn't the problem. My existence in your life has nothing to do with your failures , your only person to blame was/is you. I am done digging holes to bury your mistakes. Your an adult take some credit you fake man , take care of yourself for a change .. Grow up , your not my problem . Your , your own problem .
Never again will I allow ANYONE to treat me like a piece of shit, after I gave that person my everything. Today I am not sad to let you go, that's gone, Over is the word repeatedly spoken in my thoughts. I desire and deserve better than your shit. I can love , have passion & respect for life, you cannot. You are fucked in the head & though you still try to justify your actions , I see right through you.
You are the person I now chose to use and abuse. I will take all that I can from you and allow you to believe its of need . .Its your problem you want me to leave the door open for you I know this , that's why you said go ahead and keep that ATM card hahahaha.. Every penny I can ! But I won't take your shit anymore. That's basically what you said all the time right ? I am a gold digger right ? A gold digger who enjoys thrift shopping and saving in any way I can. How do you save money ? ? $200-300 dinners with co-workers , instead of making sure your family has a roof over their heads ? You never understood providing a home for your children doesn't make you a good father or husband. You would rub it in my face that you provided my home , big fucking deal !!! Many men do it gladly !
Every moment with you I knew I could be seconds away from being homeless with our daughters.
With such a unstable life how was I ever to pick up the pieces of my life ?? Never could and mostly because I was to busy with the crazy glue on yours. Not anymore because nothing will fix you , Nothing !
I still have a chance at peace , love , and success , the first pieces I put back together are for me and then my daughters, because until their mother is healthy I can't help them.
Over the last year of our relationship , I stopped living for you. Though you thought you had control , it was all a lie and this time on my part. This time I made you believe , but for a better reason than you could ever pursue , I did it for peace. Something I've always wanted , pretty much the only thing I begged you for. You couldn't provide even that you fucking fake , weak , baby of a man .
Since our time apart last year I finally found myself & only because you were thousands of miles away working, it was then I started living for me , going out with friends not coming home until dawn if I wanted , eating whatever I wanted while losing weight and being active, listen to what I wanted , speaking to who I wanted about what i wanted , working towards what I wanted , smoking if I wanted, & doing anything I fucking wanted while knowing I was building a career, business , and real connections with real people.
You think that I am stupid , and wouldn't see that you bringing us to WA was your way of smashing all of that , you couldn't leave me last year because I was to Independent & had to much going . You knew if you brought me here it would isolate me from the world and telling me not to worry about work was your way of making sure that when you did leave I'd be fucked , the girls would be fucked but you don't care. Well well well your wrong and the only reason I came was because I've always wanted to be here but never had what I needed to get here. Now I have it and that is probably the only thing I can thank you for. Don't you just love it when your evil plan comes back to bite you in the ass , oh she loves it there ! When you called just after leaving to whine about not being about to see the girls and we needed to move back to california , to the beach even , I wanted to laugh . First I see what your doing , you want to rip me apart a little more because you know I love WA ! 1. Does my white ass look like it belongs at a beach year round ? 2. How will we 5 of us afford to live at the fucking beach without leaving in a ghetto ( I say 5 because just before you left you moved your sister in with us , Which I couldn't be more happy with since now I have someone on my side and she see's all of the lies , finally I feel validated) 3. The opportunity here vs there don't even compare, and you say you care. 4. What's soooo fucking great about the beach ? 5. Regardless you'll have to drive which you say is the problem. 6. I will never live in the same state as you or at least not for a few years.
I am where I want to start over , and the girls love it here and I am not going to take anything from them for you ever again. .
I am here because I led you to believe I was the " good wife " . In my eyes I have won , I have what I want , need , a strong head on my shoulders, & a clean start. In fact on my trip up here , I kept thinking if we don't work out oh well at least I will be there where I've always wanted to be , every fight or break up I thought hard and searched craigslist to move here now I am here , regardless of what you want we not leaving.
I am who I always was , the person you intended to break doesn't exist, you've only made me stronger . My only regret is I wish I would have know sooner that I was me and there was nothing you could do to change that . But I won't let time get me down because the worst time of my life is over. The time I look forward to is now, so much laughter, happy tears , & pure joy are coming our way , I see it more and more everyday.
I am free to be me. I want a connection with wonderful people, to see beauty in all aspects of life, to love and be loved , to struggle until I succeed , to fight for a better tomorrow, to act on my thoughts , to be passionate for what I believe, to enjoy my life with my family , and welcome new relationships with new people who aren't " perfect " . You desire nothing of the sort .
Though you were the one to choose to leave , I am the one who is glad your gone. Now is the time to lead & embrace a beautiful life ,that you never allowed me.
Your former victim ,
Now just Me!
P.S. All of this was written before you dropped the bomb but I am still strong. Maybe it took a week for me to get over the trigger you caused with my pstd but that's all it was really !!