raspberrygirls story

eek . first an apology i know i come across scattered and not well in techie form.

i met my ex when i was 22, shortly after i left the country but came back to the states to chase him. i felt in my heart i had met the one. he is a musician , gets alot of attention. super charming and appears very humble . fast forward three years and we are married , shortly after his father passes.
when we married he was actually just a house renovator playing gigs here and there , about a year into marriage i become pregnant and he gets his 'break' . at 35 weeks pregnant i was hospitalized for three weeks with a fever of 105 and seizures. turns out he had given me an std . then we get pregnant again and lose this child at 6 months , but as i was hospitalized for that he was touring. i had become resentful , it felt like he always cared more about his music nd performing than his family . we give birth to our second child and i had be even more resentful. i was working two jobs caring for our boys while he was off playing and having beers with old girlfriends , if i told him it made me feel bad ... i was jealous and crazy "they were just friends"
when our second son was 1 he went to leave on tour for a 4 month run and we had been arguing non stop. i must cop to some horrible post partum that i am sure was tortuous for him. i set some ulitmatums and at one point said " if you leave me now , there will be nothing to come back to " i felt like i was dying inside and i meant those words. he told me he would stay if i checked myself into a mental institute and gave him a divorce.
he left , and here is where i am so accountable .... i saw an attorney had her write up the papers but never filed. i told him i did. i guess i thought it would scare him back . it was the one lie i told him . a week later when he returned home i told him the truth , begged for forgiveness and he in return filed , put me at fault and never looked back.
i spent years begging him back asking for forgiveness to only a cold response.
we now are trying to coparent which seems impossible.
i am still obsessed with who he is with and how they are better than me and i still miss my family and i loathe and fear sending my kids with him.
i dont like blaming this all on him , i chose him i still hang on urggghhhhh