The Unsent Goodbye
The Unsent Goodbye
I did not send this one, it's only for my benefit. Mmmm...feels great!
You have humiliated and abused me for the last time. You are a raging narcissist, one who will go to any lengths to control, coerce, manipulate, lie and deny to get whatever you need.
I am a wonderful, kind, patient and caring person, who unfortunately got sucked into your web of control because I had never encountered a person like you in my life. I spent ten years being the source of your narcissistic needs, always wondering why you have such a profound lack of empathy and felt the need to control and manipulate everyone and everything around you. I've known this since 2006, and find it very funny that you've always assumed that I was waiting around for you. I was willing to play your game for awhile, because I knew you had no support system and really I felt sorry for you. I couldn't justify abandoning you and that was where I made my mistake.
I had never been abused in my previous relationships, I suppose I was a sitting duck for someone like you. You are a master at observing a situation where you can best shine, that is a situation where you find a woman in a state of vulnerability, and exploit it. In my case that was my situation with my boyfriend. And before me, there was ____'s girlfriend whom he dumped just in time for you to slide in and pick up the pieces. After me, there was ______, a person who has a history of mental instability, sexual and alcohol addiction. The perfect candidate? Someone who will never question you, someone who is docile and controllable, and most of all, someone who accepts all the abuse you can give.
You have now realized that you cannot control what I say and do, that I have autonomy from you and have recognized that I refuse to participate in your drama which demands me to be always there, taking whatever you need whenever you need it. I used to think we were very similar, but I've realized in the past two years that we couldn't be more different. The way you've treated me over the last ten years has been nothing less than abusive. I've learned to mask my own feelings in fear of invoking your rage and to avoid being punished like you so effortlessly did last week. You are the most frightening person I've ever met, not just for your anger, but for the delusions that you've based your life on. All the I Don't Remembers and I Don't Know What You're Talking Abouts are not only ways to protect yourself from reality, more specifically the horrible realities that you've caused others.
I'm a strong, smart, talented, capable woman. The punishments you doled out have zero effect on me, I just keep on being awesome.
Comparisons to your wife? No problem!
Snide, offhand, hurtful but seemingly innocent comments? Excellent!
Compulsive lying and denials? Fantastic!
Harassing email? Hilarious!
That's the difference between healthy people and those filled with self-hatred, pettiness, vindictiveness and anger. I know what elements are appropriate, and which are so insane that they defy logic and common sense. The very first boundary I set with you invoked your rage, and I will not allow that in my life.
I've been very kind and patient with you for a long time, and I've always shown you love – real, actual love, not the fake stuff that you only show people when they give you something you need. You always asked me to love you unconditionally and to accept you for who you are. Who you are is someone who could never love others and show them respect. You're like an empty hole that I can keep dumping everything I have in, and it would never be enough. I could go on and on, sacrificing everything for you - not only will I never get anywhere near the emotional equality that I deserve, but I'll end up with what you have now, which is nothing, a wasted life.