Not sure if he is a narc?
I have been with someone I suspect may be a narcissist for the past 6 months. I fear that it may be too early to really tell if he is, or not. I met this guy 16 years ago when we both danced at a cabaret restaurant together every weekend. There was an instant attraction between us but we didn't do anything about it because we were both in relationships.
A year ago I found him through mutual friends on facebook and my heart skipped a beat and I added him straight away. We started private messaging just friendly chit chat for a year because, once again, we were involved with other people. After a year when I was single again, he sent me a message saying that he wanted to make love to me. I was so flattered that I said as a joke only if I get to meet his rabbit first. I love bunnies and have four of my own. We met up for dinner and he told me that he has been thinking of me for the past 15 years and wants to get me pregnant straight away. Being almost 40 and never having had any children yet, I was blown away.
We started seeing each other once every week or two because he had his parents staying with him because his father was getting treatment for a stroke. I was never allowed anywhere near his place and we would meet anywhere but near his area. Sometimes he would act as though he couldn't live without me and other times he would say that he just feels weird with me and the feelings are too strong. He calls and messages me all day every day. After two months, his parents moved back home (4 hour drive away) and he said to come over and bring everything I own because he didn't want me to ever leave. From that point on I practically did live with him and unless he, or I, was at work, we were always together.
He is the most romantic guy I have ever known. Always holding hands, hugging, looking into my eyes, telling me he loved me, how I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, how he wanted to marry me, wanted to have babies with me. He told all of his friends how much he loved me and how he adored me. For the first two months he refused to acknowledge me on facebook but then after those two months, he would write the most romantic things about me. I thought I was in heaven. I thought I had finally found my soul mate, the one guy that was meant for me.
Alarm bells began to go off when we would have a minor disagreement (e.g. because I spilled coffee in bed) and he would assume our relationship was over. Most of the times he would just say to me to fuck off and leave and try and get better than him because he is the best. I was stunned. He said all his exes have tried to find other guys but they can't get over him. He says they're all psycho bitches too! It was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. He started to give me a very hard time about my job as a burlesque dancer. He said it was disgusting that I would dance on-stage in front of men with hardly any clothing on. This guy used to dance in a very well known male strip show that performed all over the world so I was shocked that he didn't understand my job.
He started to talk a lot about bondage but when I started to become offended at the disrespectful way he would speak to me in bed, he stopped. It wasn't over the top, but I didn't like it. He continued to talk about how he loved bondage and then started talking about threesomes with girls. He said that he knew girls that were keen because they had seen my photos and told him. I felt pressured and didn't want to say no but I didn't know how to get out of doing it. I became suspicious of him and snooped in his facebook. I found disgusting sexual messages that he had sent to girls during the whole time we were together. There was no proof of them actually meeting up though. He said that he did it all just for an ego boost and how can I talk when look at what I do for work. I started working less and less so I wouldn't upset him. He put a stop to the talk of threesomes. I thought it was all fair enough as who knows where our relationship was going seeing as it had only been about three months.
I found out that he had a live in girlfriend for 4 years that he sent back home to another state so we could be together. The time he sent her home was (coincidently) the same time his parents went home. I found messages and emails that he sent to this girlfriend saying that he still loved her and still wanted to marry her and grow old with her. He said that he said it because she was suicidal and didn't want to upset her. He has had an ex girlfriend overdose on drugs years ago so I didn't want to put him in a difficult situation. He also had an ex girlfriend end up in a mental institution because he broke up with her. I thought, again, that it was fair enough that he didn't want to break her heart. He would then also say that because I was so unsure of whether or not I wanted to be with him, he would turn to the ex girlfriend because she would show him so much love and understanding and he was torn between us both.
Things were rocky. We would break up every week and I would move out back to my parent's place. Every time we broke up, I found out that he would ask other girls out and contact the ex girlfriend. I don't think he ever did meet anyone, however, because we would always get back together after a day or two. Things came to a head this weekend when a neighbour knocked on the door to complain about noise one afternoon and he yelled at him so aggressively and for so long that the neighbours came out of their units and one called the police. We had been having a few drinks with friends. We went back to our unit after the police took everyone's details, I went to the bathroom and came out to find the female neighbour sitting on his lap and they were cuddling. I stormed off and he said that I'm just jealous and that I need to fuck off and he is going back to the ex girlfriend. Again he brought up my job and said how can I get jealous just because he was being friendly to a drunk neighbour when he has to put up with my job.
It is so hard to get him out of my head because the good times are really good. We have so much fun and we always laugh. He pays for everything and is very thoughtful, does all the cooking and buying me things that he thinks I might need. He seems very caring and everyone tells me what a nice guy he is. He tells me that he can't be cheating on me because if he isn't at work, he is always with me. Just the week before, we went to the jeweller to design my engagement ring, and it is a stunning looking one. I have never been so happy.
The bad times are when we do break up and he sends me a barrage of abusive messages criticising everything about me from my fat body, pimply skin, big head, smelly body, pasty skin, shit hair, fake tan and botoxed face. I know none of it is true but it really hurts. The other thing he does that makes me suspect that he may be a narcissist is when he starts ranting about how awesome he is. Whatever it is that he is talking about, he is the best, he has the best, he is a winner, others have nothing. Usually when he starts drinking he complains about his friends and what losers they are. I can't get a word in and heaven forbid I disagree with him. It gets really boring.
About a month ago he helped me to apply for a job as a flight attendant. He spent ages with me writing an application letter, updating my resume and going over interview questions. I am very close to getting the job now and I feel bad because he had a lot to do with it. He is now saying that I used him to get it. He has now come off facebook, lets me go through his phone and has given me his email password. It seems like such a shame because we could have a wonderful life if it wasn't for his temper and arrogance and the other girls he turns to for an ego trip when we fight.
Please help me to figure this out because I have no clue! Is he a narcissist or just very egotistical? Brutal honesty is welcome. My friends and family are tired of hearing about him. I have bought Lisa's book but I want answers now! Thanks heaps!