Breakingfree24's Story

Ready to tell my story

I have been married to a serious narcissist alcoholic for over 8 painful years and have 5 kids 2, his, 2 mine and one ours. We separated a year ago at my request, which of course he then flipped it on me saying it was his choice...long story for another time. I have endured so much emotional abuse, witnessed him abuse his children and mine. He has made me and the kids feel we and what we do is never good enough. We have endured his abusive rages and vile hurtful words with no remorse. He leaves us in a state of emotional wreckage and turmoil. He does not feel his drinking straight out of a bottle is a problem or the fact that he drinks all day everyday. I fear for what he is showing our children with his behavior, abuse and alcoholism. I really see that we are all nothing but supply and objects to him. If anyone dares question or disagree with him all he'll breaks loose. We have all walked on eggshells for years! His own daughter left him and moved back in with me because he was driving her crazy and began suffering from depression and abusing alcohol. He calls his children and me horrible names like f*****g losers and N****rs. He does not even care the damage he does and always says we bought it upon ourselves by not cooperating or standing up to him.

He has told me I am a lousy partner and wife and that the only thing that was good in our marriage was the sex. He says that is our only connection. I have supported him and his children for 8 years emotionally, financially and in every way possible. I have been mother to his two children since his wife abandoned them after the divorce which I now realize she was a victim of his abuse and crazy making, I truly believe she has PTSD from his 17 years of abuse and torture.
I now know the extent of his damage as I am feeling wrecked myself. I am a very strong and
independent woman who is very self sufficient and thank god financially not dependent on him or anyone. I have fought a good fight but now surrender. I realize now that the reason he is so angry with me is that I have figured him out and I have tried to fight and point out that everything
is not my fault. I have stood by him in every way and loved unconditionally and know he will never be happy. His true self will never emerge and his false self runs the show. I know that he truly loathed himself and cannot face it so he has to remain the Narc and destroy everything in his path. His family are all Narcs and encourage and support his sickness.

He has treated me like an object, a whore and servant. He only throws me a bone of what he calls love when he feels me slipping away. I am strong and know I am a great person, wife and mother. He alienated all my friends and family and now that he is gone they have all re emerged to support and tell me what a wonderful person I am. He got rid of anyone who may have supported or appreciated the person I am so he could focus on the obvious brainwasnhing and control he calls a marriage. He has delusions and thinks he is gods gift and the greatest man, father and husband in the world! Bolonga! He is the most cruel and hurtful man I have ever encountered. His mental illness and alcoholism is progressing as he is losing control. I have tried to break free in the past year and was doing pretty well...until I was Hoovered again. He screamed at me that he hated it and that it was killing him that I was happier without him....hello...Control, and ego! He is happiest when I am hurting and down.,,this is not what people who love you do. I realize he never really loved me just that I was some kick ass supply!
Now to be tortured and discarded!

He has Hoovered me several times in eight years and I now that he will never change and have decided to go back go counseling to help free myself from the chains of this toxic relationship. I am also an adult child of two alcoholics and a hopeless codependent and empath! I realize I need help and cannot do this alone. I am trying so hard to keep it all together and stay strong for my
kids and his. They all say I am the only stable parent in their lives although right now I am a
wreck inside. I am so glad I read the Path Forward as it is giving me hope and strength. I need
my sisters support and to know I am not alone. It is great to know I am not alone. Please share
me your thoughts and send your prayers for I could use all the help I could get. I know I have to feel all the pain to move forward and this is my first big step to healing. I am writing my letters to him and from him tonight and hope that helps too. Thanks for listening and God bless everyone who is in this mess and my heartfelt wishes for your suffering to end!