So just how do you 'accept' it?

After my counseling session today I have realized I'm still holding on to the romanticized version of the N.

Believe me I've done the work...read read, read etc. Therapy etc. I'm not TRYING to live in denial. However I know I'm refusing to accept this on some level.

I'm wondering if it is because I struggle with labeling him, judging him, not caring for him? I don't like being this person. I am weak aren't I?

Also I'm wondering if I'm holding onto the amazing times, the man that I left my life behind for, because I am petrified that if I do let him go that I will open myself up for more hurt in the future?

At least if I hold on to 'him' I will never be hurt again. I don't know how to dig myself out of this.

Also I understand he is pathological and therefore I will NEVER understand why he does and says the things he does, but truthfully I KEEP TRYING to make sense of it. Why for gods sake do I think I can still help him. When I know for a fact I can't.

Also the bottom line is he didn't want me. When I called him out on his behaviour he punished me big time...instant devalue and discard (24hr time span.) So why can't it be as simple as...'he's a liar and very disrespectful and I was rejected for my own protection.' Why do I have an obsession with rehashing and analyzing?

I often hear 'we have to learn to accept and then move on.' so how do I accept it? Is it now simply time? What else can I do?

Thank you
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