Chellebelle's Story

My partner's ex won't leave us alone!

Hello, I have been reading posts in this forum over the past couple of days which have all inspired me. What a fantastic website!

My partner's NPD ex wife left him in July 2009 in pieces. He was married to her for 10 years and they have 1 child together who is now 8. She told him that she just fell out of love with him and that she wants to remain friends for their child's sake. A week later, she went on holiday with her lover. He was suicidal, over the 10 years of their marriage, she ground him down to the point of being on anti-depressants and medication for anxiety. She put him down for every little thing, she cried daily throughout the relationship about anything and everything and expected him to listen and support her. She went to various counsellors whom she sacked once they told her something she didn't want to hear. She was even violent towards my partner, on one occasion she dragged him out of the bath by his testicles.

This NPD has got a very well paid job, and has a pattern of changing her job every 18 months when she feels someone at work is putting her down or holding her back from progressing. My partner couldn't see fault in her all the time he was with her. She isolated him from his family and friends and monitored his every move. He just saw this as her loving him and thought everyone else was wrong and not good for him, his wife and child.

Since the separation, she has become increasingly bitter. She went to see him 7 months after she left him and told him she wanted him back, and he was strong enough to ask if she still loved the man she was with and she said yes so he said he wouldn't take her back. She then got Solicitors involved and started monitoring his every move with his child. If he was late one day collecting his child from School she would log it. They have a shared care arrangement in place for their child and agreed to divorce after two years of separation. A few months later, she sent a Divorce petition through listing she wanted a divorce due to violence towards her, neglect, rape, verbal abuse, etc. the list was long and made-up!

I was with him at this time, so I helped him to fight back. We went to see a Solicitor and I started logging her behaviour. Our Solicitor wrote back and she backed down on this occasion, but a few months later, a letter came through for residency of their child claiming he was a bad father and listing over two pages of his flaws as a father (which were all made up or exaggerated)I helped him again, along with his very supportive Solicitor and family / friends. Over the time, we have realised that she has NPD. I have been witnessing her behaviour for a long time and realised how abnormal it is, and after researching on the internet, NPD always comes up.

They are now divorced, and on 30th January my partner won his residency case and shared care is continued, however, two days later, he was arrested for assaulting her during the relationship. He has been released on bail until May, but it was such a horrible thing for him to go through. He was doing so well, last June he came off his medication for everything, and since the arrest, he has been back on diazapam for anxiety. I am 18 weeks pregnant and we really don't need this, we are happy together, have a lovely family between us and friends, but she just wont leave him alone.

I hope the CPS will see the situation for what it really is, as he is a wonderful man and wouldn't do anything as severe as she is making out. He is a fantastic father and partner and doesn't deserve this. It was bad enough that she left him in pieces to then try and take his child away, and when she loses that try to get him locked up is appalling. It seems that as he has got stronger, she has become more nasty and bitter. His child constantly asks questions which have clearly come from her... and his child has told me that I am not allowed to be mentioned in front of her.

I would like to know if there is any way of proving someone has NPD, as if it has to go to court, I feel I have enough evidence to prove it, but I am not a doctor so my evidence would mean nothing.

I do feel for all of you who are still suffering at the hands of someone with NPD, and I know you will get stronger, you need to rely on your family and friends and open up to them. My partner felt ashamed alot of the time when he realised what he had actually let her treat him like, but he shouldn't have done, he was in love and once he learned about what she was really like, he realised how much of the love wasn't real.

I am sorry for ranting on, it is nice to finally find a place where I can. :-)