The fine line....

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#1 March 19, 2012 - 2:42am

The fine line....

There is such a fine line between processing and discussion and then detrimental rumination.

This experience requires you to educate, seek facts, educate, listen, talk...did I say educate?
However this can often have a negative effect, particularly when a person becomes 'stuck'. The secret to recovery may very well be knowing when you reach the point of knowledge saturation. With a PD the crazy making behaviour they exhibit and the devastation they leave behind causes one to work overtime trying to obtain answers or clarity.

'Although rumination is generally unhealthy and associated with depression, thinking and talking about one's feelings can be beneficial under the right conditions. Healthy self-disclosure can reduce distress and rumination when it leads to greater insight and understanding about the source of one's problems.Thus, when people share their feelings with others in the context of supportive relationships, they are likely to experience growth. In contrast, when people repetitively ruminate and dwell on the same problem without making progress, they are likely to experience depression.'

This is something I truly struggle with....any advice?

March 19, 2012 - 4:01pm


Bitching about your significant other simply to vent is probably not conducive to progress, however sharing your story as part of your education and healing... well I'm guessing that's different. I use to complain about my NPDh all the time to my friends, so much so that I myself have become bored with my own story. Now that I have made enough progress in the decision making stage and have rented and apartment that will be ready in May, I actually just don't even feel like complaining about him. I don't talk about him much at all anymore, because I'm done with him and concentrating on me. I think thats the biggest difference, when you are learning and ruminating simply wishing or trying to get the OTHER person to change you will end up in depression, when you are learning and ruminating in an effort to change yourself, I guess that's progress!

March 19, 2012 - 7:38am


With every post I read from you I discover more and more similarities between your way of perceiving things and mine. I am trying to share my experience with you, but I know I am not successful.

I think you are too intelligent and analytical and currently it is what prevent you from mooving forward. I don't think that you can learn any new trick... They would be already known....

I also think that for some reason you feel safe at the place you are now. Not comfortable, but safe.



March 19, 2012 - 3:42pm (Reply to #8)

Yep I probably over

Yep I probably over intellectualize things...guilty as charged. Also it is challenging and confronting for me to be 'allowed' to have feelings, so often I'm not sure what to do with them. It is hard when you've always been a pro active person...(or a perfectionist even?)

It is hard to remould your entire personality. Very challenging indeed.

Thanks Winter xx

March 19, 2012 - 10:38pm (Reply to #9)

I can relate

Been there, done that. Till I realzed it was couterproductive and I changed the strategy.

I concentrated all my energy, all my pro-activity, all my perfectionism into acceptance and detachment.

It helped. You cannot solve all your problems at the same time.



March 19, 2012 - 5:15am

2 years out

I saw your post and remembered how hard it all is in the early stages.

I still think of my N now but as I have seen through him, I think about him very differently. I see the past almost as a bad dream- sometimes it's hard to believe he was ever a part of my life or that I ever let him near me again.

If I am honest, it took me 18 months not to feel stabs of anxiety when I thought of him. I do not feel that now. In fact, I feel better than I have ever felt.

I am married. I ended the relationship with the N and stayed in my marriage. My husband knew about him and although we talked briefly about what happened, I did not disclose the full details of the relationship to save my husband further pain. I have worked on getting through this alone using this website and following any suggested links that looked helpful. That is how I have shared. I tried counselling in the beginning but gave up because my husband could not stand to think of me talking about another man. Reading and learning here has worked for me.

The hardest part was having to confront myself over the relationship with the N, asking myself why I had such poor boundaries and why I fell for his act (although he came looking for me- we were together at uni 25 years earlier).

I have suffered depression in the past and was determined not to sink through what had happened. I also felt I owed it to my family not to crumble since I had already put everyone through so much. Another way I coped was to throw myself into my work but I couldn't avoid the CD. At night I would lie awake for hours whilst I tried to make sense of it all. I'm not sure the thinking can be avoided but being active in the day lessens it.

In time it does pass.I don't have all the answers to the questions I once had. That no longer bothers me. Again I believe this comes with time. I have accepted who he is, that I fell into his path and that I cannot change the past though I can take my learning into the future

With all this, comes a new way of looking at life (at least it has for me). I have had to re-evaluate. I understand far more fully what love means. I have thought very hard about all my relationships, with my children, family and close friends.

Now, I appreciate my life, even the smallest details of it-which though far from perfect, is real.

March 19, 2012 - 5:25am (Reply to #6)

Authenticity. Me

Me too....that's what I base everything on...being real...(good, bad and ugly.)
I think if you come back to your core value system then maybe there's hope to start least that is what I hope for.
When the magic day comes that I don't care anymore it will be such a relief..

March 19, 2012 - 4:31am
florence (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Anger & Fear

Hi there, I'm stuck at this point too, and it's doing my effing head in. How does one confront these emotions in a 'healthy' way? I need to sort this out as it's messing me up physically now as well. Yes interesting discussion. Perhaps it's just 'a question of time' but how much time... I sick of it, feel I've wasted enough of that on soul-sucking weirdness and meaningless mental backflips with Mr Creepypants.

March 19, 2012 - 4:37am (Reply to #3)

I'm attending a session on

I'm attending a session on Intrusive Thought management on Thurs....I'll post any tips I'm given....I'm desperate too....

March 19, 2012 - 4:42am (Reply to #4)
florence (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


be interesting to see what comes up. Anger and Fear very negative. What does Lisa's thing mean about 'confronting' these emotions though? That's what i don't get. I mean it's not like you've got much choice, they come up on you regardless. Exhausting. eh

ff x

March 19, 2012 - 3:46am

I seem to ruminate until I

I seem to ruminate until I have got my head round something ... whether that is unhealthy or healthy thinking doesnt really seem to matter the point is I will leave it once I have processed it ...

since we all have our own voiables and touch points I suppose its different for each person depending on our character.

I dont worry about it now as I've realised what might seem like over obsessing is just coming to terms with something and some things are more difficult for me to come to terms with...

mmmm does this cause me depression .. no the thinking doesnt but sometimes the act that caused the thinking did....

its an interesting discussion B girl... x

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