Do they ever change?

11 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 March 19, 2012 - 5:42am

Do they ever change?

Before divorcing my ExNH he came back to me saying how sorry he was and what a fool he was to mistreat me. He begged me just for another chance to make it up to me as he said. I stuck to my decision, but have moment of weakness that I wonder if he had really changed.

He has been calmer ever since and actually sounded genuinely sincere and sorry. Immediately after the divorce he sent me messages and emails admitting that our marriage is over because of him, and that I did nothing wrong, and asked me to never change, because I am just perfect! I maintained NC and didn't reply either.

Today he sends me text being super sweet and just wanting to check on me that I am well, and wished me the best because I am very valuable as he says.

This is very painful to deal with, I sometimes wonder if he had really changed and learnt his lesson! And if he has changed to become betetr, and someone else will benefit from his improved self. I am surprised that he is admitting and taking responsibilty for his actions. Is this typical Narc behaviour???

March 19, 2012 - 9:50am

This may seem strange. But, a

This may seem strange. But, a lot of narcs call their victims, 'perfect.' It's a way to prop them up on a pedestal...idealizing. No one is perfect. My ex used to say this. Then, if I was so perfect, why did he abuse me? lol Why did yours abuse you?

They are human, and can feel pain. But, I have a feeling, yours is just trying to wedge back in the abuse you s'more. That's what abusers do. They don't change. They just change their script to see what might work the next go round.

If you feel in your heart of hearts that you were abused, and he was a narcissist...then, no, he won't change. He may feel like he lost a great person. He doesn't have you anymore to 'beat up' so to speak. I hate to sound like this, but they don't change, Countless stories on and off of this site, tell you...abusers/narcs/psychopaths don't change.

They get too much of a thrill NOT changing, to bother changing. I just think when they say 'I'm sorry.' There's a motive. Usually the motive is so you take him back, and the abuse 'cycle' will begin once a few weeks...months...however long.

Stay strong. Forgive from afar. Wish him well. But, know. They don't change.

edit to add...anyone can change if they seek God and therapy. But, barring that. These creatures don't change on their own. They may know they hurt people. They may know they miss people. But, they still don't change. No one. I repeat...NO ONE...will 'benefit' from your ex N. If anything, he will get worse.

Yea, come to think of it...I think they become worse the more women/men they blow through. Because they feel like they are the victim. He will tell the next woman...'ooohhh....i begged for forgiveness. and she still wouldn't take me back. isn't that so cold?'

and then that new woman will hold him in her he's a fragile little baby. lol trust me. that will be his new 'schtick' with the next woman. and you will be painted as the evil witch of the north.

and then the new woman...will 'rescue' him...and eventually...she will be called ''perfect'' like you. and then, as time trudges on. he will start knocking her down. more and more. and so the cycle continues.

they only change victims.

March 19, 2012 - 9:11am


A thousand times no. I have been exactly where you are, and I foolishly took him back. Now I've wasted another 6 years. The first 2 I continued to live on my own, but we were officially back together and going to individual and couples counceling. The next 2 living together were good and he was on "good behavior alert", the last 2, nothing but d&d with a few periods of idealization to keep me on the hook. He went to counceling for a year, I still go. He only went in an effort to "show" me how much he was willing to do to make amends. However I can not tell you enough... everything and I mean EVERYTHING with them is a "show". It's theater, a production in which they are the star. Have you even noticed how "over the top" everything they do is? I mean, if they are happy they are estatically happy. If they are angry, it's rage and over the top name calling. If they are bored they sit an watch TV or play video games for days. If they are "sick" they are practically bed ridden. When my mother was in the hospital and I had family down and staying at my house... this man was at the hospital all day everyday, trying way to hard to impress my family and of course the nurses! "wow, what a great guy, how attentive to MIL... knighty2035 is surely a lucky woman"! Theater!!! Don't fall for it.

March 19, 2012 - 8:25am


will NEVER change, it is a disease of the personality it doesn't respond to medicines, anything, it is a permanent disorder in the fabric of who they are, as Hunter says it is actions, words are real cheap...............move on with your life.

March 19, 2012 - 7:51am

If they changed would we all

If they changed would we all be here?

Is he taking responsibility ?. What have his ACTIONS been to prove change? That's what I thought just words!


March 19, 2012 - 11:40am (Reply to #7)


You beat me to the punch Hunter - that is exactly what I was going to ask.

In the 6 months since I have told my NH that I was done he has apologized many times. Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake, but then I ask myself, "has he taken one positive step to really work on himself?" and the answer is no. He offered to completely stop drinking IF I changed my mind. I told him he should do it for himself not for me. He read a book about Narcissism and texted me "Yes, I see some of myself here but more of you - I think you are the narcissist."

I'm working really damn hard to change myself, change my life and be the person I want to be. He hasn't and deep in my heart I know he won't.

March 19, 2012 - 9:23am (Reply to #6)

Hahaha! Best answer EVER!

"If they changed would we all be here?"

It's not funny for "funny sake", but amusing all the same, and so true!


love~ Layla

March 19, 2012 - 6:24am

No, they never, ever change.

No, they never, ever change. Yes, this is typical N manipulation. Cultivating supply is hard work for Ns as they have to present well which is exhausting for an abuser. Ns are always desperate for supply and therefore keen after their initial luring of you in to keep you available so they may return as/when for another ego boost then D&D again even many years later. Ns set up mini cycles of idealization, D&D to reel supply back in which is what your xNH is doing now - if you respond he's very likely to use it against you whilst enjoying prime A supply for himself. If you do not have children complete NC is the only way forward. Messages, emails, calls only unsettle us during recovery - it's best to change all contact details, block from the new, cut loose all mutual people, and advise your friends and family not to mention the xN at all nor give him any contact info regarding you.

March 19, 2012 - 6:23am

Duplicate post

I responded under your duplicate post! Sorry!

March 19, 2012 - 6:19am


They NEVER change, they just get worse.

March 19, 2012 - 8:24am (Reply to #2)

Absolutely True...

They really do get worse.

Log in or register to post comments