Curled up in my quilt at night it is overwhelming, I put the smile on I do stuff but I just want me back ! I am hurt, angry and finding it hard to deal with, yeah I want to ring him up cry down the phone because he hurt me so bad..because I trusted him, this wasnt a game I have a husband and family, it was serious shit for me and I feel so damn angry, used, upset.
I know everything I have read says try to not take it personally, this isnt a 'poor me' I love your answer becaue thats what I need, tools to get myself out of this current hole..thank you x
Is how he could just cut me off like i never existed,he makes me feel like a Thing ,and for what?Why did he WORKED ON ME MAKING BELIEVE THAT AT LEAST HE WOULD BE MY FRIEND?Not for the sex,not for money...in 2 years he had sex with me 2 times...and he had ED...He used me ,abused mentally...destroyed my self assurance...my self image...Currently i haven't been out of my appartment for a month...my ex husband is helping me....i felt in the abbys again...i cannot see myself in the mirror...i shower,i clean my house,but to go outside,i feel ashamed for my looks...and i was /am people say a very good looking woman...but i see myself ugly...This morning i just broke down again...i feel like a zero...i know i am not.I want myself back.i want to smile like i did,to dress up everyday like i did...i want to enjoy again and do not see myself as a road kill,with empty eyes...and soul.I have to survive this.
Aww aceonelady, that is just terrible. As snowflake asks, do you have some good girl friends you can turn to? And have you considered counselling? It will take hard work to build back your self esteem but it can be done, it will be easier with support though. Why not try taking small steps such as meeting someone for coffee somewhere? It sounds like you're a beautiful, kind woman who has been emotinally beaten to a pulp by a loser narc with penis problems!! Fuck him! What is he? Nothing. Im sure you mean a lot to other people in your life, without a doubt this man is not worth your misery. Tell yourself every day that you are beautiful and worthy of happiness! Do it now. It will feel weird and you wont even want to say it. But make yourself say it. Say it outloud. There is life after these soul suckers.
We are all here for you xo
I want you to read what Jane Marie/Sparrow wrote back to me because you sound in a worse place than me....where are your friends Mrs, are they helping at all ? x
The hurt does subside, but you never forget it, you can't. For me, what hurt me most with narc #1, my ex-husband, was that my life for the last 15 years was a lie, that that was now my reality. What hurt me about narc #2 was the reality that someone could hunt me down and do the awful things to me that he did, purposely, when all I did was befriend him, care for him and be kind to him. The reality that I was no more than a rodent, caught by an alley cat, for his pleasure and thrill of destruction.
But I look back on that now and realize that I am their loss, I lost nothing but a life full of lies and deception. Shame on them. From where I am sitting, I am much better off than either one of them can ever be. I survived them, both of them. And you will too.
"But I look back on that now and realize that I am their loss, I lost nothing but a life full of lies and deception. Shame on them. From where I am sitting, I am much better off than either one of them can ever be."
AMEN sister!!
I really want to be in that place where I think your loss, still cant get past it being my loss, its crazy. I am fighting this addiction it just overwhelms me sometimes x
i think one more shift is needed. from questioning how much you meant to him - to answering how much you mean to yourself. our selfworth should come from where the name says it - us.
isnt that what we share with the narcs? letting ourselves be validated by someone ouside us?
Great point kartaga.
Snowflake, I am the same way. My relationship with my ex and how I've been feeling since then has really brought it home to me that I have a serious self esteem issue.
Im getting counselling soon because I will NOT tolerate more shit in the future because something happened in my life to make me feel badly about myself.
Have you considered doing the same? I know theres a stigma to counselling but I find it does really help to get it all out and have someone guide your though process. Maybe something to consider?
xo
Yes
what hurts me....
Aceonelady
Aww aceonelady, that is just
Acelady
The hurt does subside, but
"But I look back on that now
Sparrow
i think one more shift is
kartaga
Great point