What hurt you/hurts you the most?

The pressure on the household. The heavy thick black air in the house that effects my kids. Kids are antennas. They FEEL everything. I owe them an emotionally present and healthy mother...I haven't delivered. I owe them a HOME...a sanctuary from the world where they sprawl out and totally be themselves. Instead of walking on eggshells. The energy he drained from me that I could have invested in my children. The loss of my health to that parasite...sloth...pimp. The money doesn't matter. It's gone. I'll make more. It's the TIME wasted. Years gone. For what? Just a total waste. All of the trauma to me? I'll heal. The real me, who I've stuffed safely away from that psychological cesspool is going come through for me. I'll be fine...be cause I'm ALWAYS fine...dammit! F@#K HIM!!! One weird thing that really upsets me is not the lies he told his OW about me but how much they HATE me...unjustifiably. The vicious MALICE towards me that I read in their messages to him really shook me up. And how he provoked it. Pure venom!! It really bothers me that people I don't know LOATHE me and wish me harm. It shouldn't matter because it's all lies and "love" games. But one woman's hatred scared me a little. I had a feeling that she was unstable. Pair that together with the idea that I am the only thing standing between her and her "happily ever after" with the parasite...unnerved me.

lying about wanting children again and again and again and thereby stealing a year of my life. but also finding that part of me that knew I didnt deserve any better and that let him treat me so badly and ignore the red flags. The other thing that I think is a worry is that it knocks your believe in it never happening again....... cos they just tell you what you want to hear.

I have yet to shake that hurt- I don't know what it will take to believe in myself again and regain my zest for life. Anything working for any of you ladies? Working out at the Y and volunteering is helping a little bit. Sometimes, I just cry it out after it builds up. Initially, I derived so much happiness from my relationship with the N. I trusted him and opened up to him more and more. It was so wonderful that we seemed to connect in so many ways. I overlooked his flaws and vulnerabilities-he seemed so insightful about himself in the beginning. In the end, so much of my positive energy went into "us"- I bet my savings to the last penny. And it was all a scam. I sure can't afford another hit like that, NO WAY! And since the relationship was SUCH a scam, I have to constantly remind myself that I'm not crazy or a failure. I know the only solution is to get my own life under way again. But I have to admit- I would feel better now if I knew about the scams before and after me. Not much chance of that though, since he never had any friends in this country to introduce me to, and the only family I ever met was his mother visiting him from abroad. All of 3 hours. I think the most important thing to remember is that we are not damaged, the D&D is brainwashing, not fact. We are every bit as valuable as we were before- and that can be affirmed by continuing to be social, and have positive interactions with those around us. That will make us feel worthy and beautiful again!

all the lies hurt. The worst one though was the lie about having cancer and pertending that he was dying. Both of my parents had died of cancer, so I had a lot of compassion. The lies about how he almost died seversl times, how he wanted to kill himself, the lies about all the tests he had to endure. When in fact he was spending his time with different women. Just played with my emotions, I would be crying at times when he would tell how sick he was, crying wondering if he died when I didn't hear from him. So glad he is out of my life forever.

What hurt the most for me was losing my true love and knowing that I meant nothing to him. I also think back to all the horrible lies he would tell his family and our mutual freinds about me. His family hate me with a passion but they dont know me. The last time that he and I parted he told that I pulled a gun on him. I dont even own a gun nor would I act in that way no matter how crazy he drove me. It shames me to what these people think of me. But I have since realized that their opinion doesnt matter. They are not going to have the powwer over me like he did!!!

The memory of the first really severe abuse. I was walking down the highway after jumping from his car, as he called me slut lyer cheater and was telling men in other cars on the highway I was a whore and to drive me home. Then the police came, so i jumped in the car and pretended all was well. I went home, cried myself sick, dosed right out semiconsious on ativan, slept for 3 days, waking up every 3-4 hrs and crying hyseterically like a baby, to find him begging me to eat, stuffing my face with food as i could barely wake up... and him saying how sorry he was with tears in his eyes, feeding me as i cried and choked on myself.. Holy shit i want to cry now.I will never forget that first real shock, that he was sick and evil. It was So fucking sick I'm sorry.

That I knew what he was and still pursued him for yet another round of the same old treatmeant.

That I did not follow my gut everyday for 14 years that I got sucked into his dysfunctional life even though I did not like him from day one. I am mad that I put out all the fires he created by screwing over business associated, friends and family instead of just letting them see him for who he actually is a P. Wasted years of my life. allowed him to screw up my health, my friendships, my career that I am not the same person that I was prior to entering the relationship his lies, more lies, lies on top of lies, his cheating, his "poor me" that I bought into, his "no one ever loved me like you", I am mad that he can manipulate anyone including our marriage counselors who never told me he was a P and that I should leave him immediately.

The lies and the cheating. And the fact that my ex "confessed" to cheating in an attempt to "come clean" and make things work, said he wanted to marry me, blah blah. Then when I broke up with him he didnt even fight for me once. Just accepted it, said he missed me and was sad but NEVER said anything like that he would give me the time to get over things and trust him again. He was just like, okay, next! I feel like he overestimated his feelings for me and I bought it, and coming to the realization that he was just full of shit reeeallyyy hurt. It also feels like he purposefully told me something that he knew would be a deal breaker and cause me tons of pain instead of being a real fucking man and ending it himself.

What hurt me most about my relationship with xhn was that I had previously been hurt so badly by my first psychopathic ex-husband that it had taken me 12 years to trust again. After that long, I finally became trusting enough, and far enough away from the hurt of my first xph, that I allowed myself to become vulnerable and have an intimate relationship again. When I met xnh, I felt I was finally ready to trust someone. I gave myself permission to do this. Xnh knew the whole story of how badly I'd been hurt before. He then, took full advantage of my trust and vulnerability (just like the predator he really is underneath). He betrayed it in every way possible for own self-serving purposes. Being a true narc-hole, xnh then threw me onto the trash heap when HE was done, and left me in the devastation he'd caused in my life without so much as backward glance. I had finally allowed myself to trust someone (him). He deliberately abused it in every way possible, and then discarded me just like yesterday's dirty underpants. This is what hurt me the most. However, I now have much more strength and knowledge about people with personality disorders (which I did not have after either my xph, or with xnh). I now know that both xph and xnh were completely undeserving of my trust and love. *I* must accept ownership that *I* made bad choices when offering them my trust. They are disordered, UNTRUSTWORTHY, and I was ignorant of the warning signs that exposed them to me as predators. With the support of this site, and much reading, I am now much more informed and aware of the red flags/tell-tale characteristics of these defective people. Because of this, I am now better equipped to choose people that are more worthy of my trust and love in the future. I WILL head the warning signs of a disordered person, instead of just ignoring/over-looking them as I did with xph and xnh. Face it, a tiger has stripes, long teeth, and viscous claws. It doesn't take much deduction to know what he is, and that he will rip you to shreds if you're not careful. He may be attractive and beautiful to your eye, but he will leave you bleeding and dying in the dirt, if you get too close. To them, we are merely meat. The same goes with a narc. They have tell-tale traits and behaviors that tell us they are predators (and not good for us). Like the tiger, if we don't heed the signs and stay clear of them, they will rip us to shreds and leave us bleeding in the dirt, just like the tiger. They are feral animals in a human skin. To them, we are merely meat (supply). Therefore, we need to love ourselves enough to pay attention to red flags, and see narcs for what they really are underneath their illusions. We need to arm ourselves with all of the knowledge we can, in order protect ourselves from these type people. We deserve it. Knowledge is power. I, for one, definitely do not intend to have people in my future life that view me as "supply". *I* am worth more than that kind of relationship. :)

hmmmm..... 1. When he punched me in the eye 2. When he strangled me and I could not breathe 3. When he tried to drown me in the pool and let me up only to take a quick breath before he pushed me back under again 4. When he'd twist my arm behind my back 5. etc....etc....etc.... If you are referring to what hurt me the most emotionally well that'd take all day. He's not worth that much of my time anymore. I'd get blisters on my fingers from typing and then I'd have to add that to the list of the ways he physically hurt me...... UGH!

what hurts the most is I can't show him that I'm surviving, and even at times thriving - without him. I really wish he could see that he no longer defines my life. What hurt me the most when things ended? Plain and simple, the loss of "true love." Even if wasn't real for him, it was very, very real for me. And that will always hurt. On the flip side, at least I did get to experience true love, even if it was with a psychopath!

I agree with all of you...What hurt the most was the discard. After all the blood, sweat and tears that I literally put into that one-sided relationship while he sat there and did nothing, he just tossed me like a piece of trash. I just keep telling myself that karma is a bitch and he will meet someone one day and she will discard him the same way.

I think the thing that hurt me most was the name calling and the unprovoked anger. Well a lot of things really. The sudden discard was more painful than ever but then before I realised what it was all about I made the mistake of believing that he had changed and I went to his flat one night at the beginning of December. ((((shudder)))) The next day was the worst - I believed him when he was telling me all the wonderful things about how we could be together and it would all be ok but it turns out that he was texting my friend and telling her that he didn't want me at the same time!!! I think it's the utter lack of empathy that amazed me and still does. They seem to have it all but in reality they don't. I know which kind of person I would rather be ( maybe a little tougher but I can work on that) Big hugs....they are all monsters xxx

During the relationship (or the end of it)I think what hurt the most was the suddenness of the discard. Went from talking about our wedding one day to having an argument 2 days later and she just said we were finished. I was stunned. There was no phase of "We have a problem, let's work on it" like you might have in a normal relationship. That coldness was brutal for me. After the relationship and being NC for 9 and half months now (Yay me!) I have a different perspective. The discard was still as awful but what has hurt a great deal was realizing how much she devalued me and how much of it I didn't see at the time. That changes what I think of the relationship as a whole. What hurts is the realization that this was not the caring, loving relationship I felt that it was all along. Changing my perception of the reality of the relationship has hurt. I was duped and fell in love, but I allowed some things that I should not have. My feeling now is that this relationship was just bad and it was abusive. With that kind of relationship all you do is leave it as best you can, learn from it and never let it happen again.

I understand completely how hard it is. I really do. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I would rather have every tooth extracted from my mouth without novacaine than ever go through the withdrawal of a NPD ever again. And I am not joking when I say that. You have to want more for yourself, more of yourself.....you know, the key is knowing in your heart that you deserve better than this. Once your heart grabs a hold of that, you will be on your way, you won't put up with any of his bull crap nor will you yearn for him.

is that i think (could be wrong) you define your value based on others perception of you? also, in my case i always want what i cant have. these two things combined to make me feel miserable post devaluation. but you know what? I HATE THAT TERM Nobody can "devalue me" (okay except for maybe a disordered moron) I love to bake. I friggin LOVED my $600 mixer. But then they came out with a pink model. And I suddenly "hated" my old mixer. I think that's how the N viewed me. An easily replaceable mixer and was just waiting for the next cutest model to come out and justified his actions accordingly. However, that doesn't mean "I" am not the "ultimate" model for someone else... Was just thinking in the car on t way to work... I don't even feel like it was a relationship or that he was boyfriend. It was all so one sided... You will see the light... you will get there. We have big hearts and are kind and empathic and we will get what we deserve in the end. Have faith.

Tell me if Im wrong.... But when I read your posts it sounds like you are curled up in a ball, overwhelmed with thoughts of him, crying, depressed, watching your life move on without you! You have children right??? They need YOU!!!! You have to start DOING for yourself..... Start by setting a goal for each day...something as simple as preparing a special meal...go to the store, buy what you need and cook it....or set the goal of going for a 20 minute walk.....You need to start feeling some sense of accomplishment within your day!!!! I may be way off base here....These goals arent easy to fulfill at first but you have to start pushing yourself!!! We all miss the idea of the man, we are all shocked by the OW or the discard or the reality that we meant shit to these men....It was all a facade!!!! It's time to take charge Snowflake!!! No more self pity!!! Look in the mirror and see that beautiful woman staring back at you. You are letting her world pass her by because of this asshole!!! One day at a time!!!! You can do this!! xoxo