Waking Up From The Illusion
ok - my turn.
I'll start with the end - the final straw. He invited a woman who was obviously attracted to him to go camping with him - alone. When I told him it was wrong to do that, he told me I was acting childish and jealous. He said "If you don't trust me, then why go on?" I tried to explain the concept of RESPECT for his girlfriend (me) of 4 years but he didn't get it. How could he? He's a Pathological Narcissist.
I met him 4 years ago - he showed up to do some plumbing. He was attractive and did the sweetest things. I remember thinking how thoughtful he was - the little things he did. I actually initiated the relationship, I figured he was just shy. What I didn't know is that he was still sleeping with his ex-wife. She called me 3 months later to let me know and I confronted him. I should have walked away but by then I was already addicted to him. He promised me he wouldn't see her anymore and he was surprised to find that he actually shed some tears over the thought of losing me. "Look at that! I'm actually crying!" I know now that he only did that because it was a good effect, considering he was busted.
Our relationship was awesome at first. He did so much for me, took care of my home repairs, worked on my truck, bought me things he thought I needed - always thinking of me. I was swept off my feet. The sex was the best EVER (even though he has not made the first move in years - that would make me feel desirable and he wouldn't want to do that). I was so in LOVE. And he was so in love with ME - or so he said.
But we never really talked. I wasn't allowed an opinion, even about my own home. He made all the decisions. If I wanted to talk about it, he accused me of questioning his judgement. He was moody and unreliable. For a while I thought he was Bi-polar. I was confused but I tried to respect who he was.
I found it odd that he had 3 ex-girlfriends who dropped by often to visit in the beginning of our relationship - he acted like it was normal so I looked the other way. I know now that narcissists NEVER break up and often keep their exs around for supply.
When we went to have a drink at the local bar one night, another neighbor was there with her husband. She was quite drunk and practically sat in "Jim's" lap, rubbing up against him while her husband stood by and angrily watched. I was appalled and I started to say something - like "Get the Hell off my boyfriend" but Jim shushed me, he looked at me like I should be ashamed. So I stood there while she continued to rub all over him, feeling like a fool. That was my first experience with his need for attention from other women. He often told me to retract my claws, as if there was something wrong with me being bothered by that kind of disrespect for my relationship from other women. In my face - it happened often and he encouraged it and forced me to stand there and accept it.
We hardly ever fought during the 4 years we were together. Mostly I sucked it up, trying to be a loving, supportive, faithful girlfriend. If I expressed my opinion about anything, I would get the silent treatment. Or he would do the opposite of what I wanted. I walked on eggshells, trying not to make him angry.
Our first fight was over a phone call from yet a different neighbor - a single woman. He answered the phone and it was obvious he didn't want her to know I was there. I wasn't angry but I WAS curious so I asked him why. He evaded my questions and then did not speak to me or answer my emails for 4 weeks. I was completely ignored. Only after I stopped trying to reach him, did he show up at my door one day, acting like NOTHING had happened! I was so happy he was back I just let it go. I learned to NEVER question him for fear of being punished. I was terrified of what he would do, who he would sleep with, in order to keep me in my place.
ok. I'm a beautiful, successful, responsible and self-assured woman who owns her own home. I don't drink a lot or do drugs. I have a wonderful family. I had my life together. The Narcissist I fell in love with is an unemployed, alcoholic, pot smoking bum. I mean, to the extreme. He wakes up and cracks a beer and lights a joint. This goes on all day long, every day. What was I thinking? My family thought I had gone nuts! But did I listen? No.......I was addicted to this guy. I shudder when I think how long I hung in there. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed.
About 2 years into our relationship, "Jim" & I went camping. He got so drunk, he actually passed out while driving his crappy boat. He could have killed us but he laughed it off the next day, as if I were crazy for being so concerned. When we got home, I was not very happy. No words were spoken, as I was afraid of what he would do if I said something, but he sensed that I was unhappy and off he went, into his "silent treatment". After a few weeks, I called him to find out where he was and he told me he was busy doing work around his house. It was a relief in a way. Two months went by and I didn't hear from him. I was sad but I knew it was best if I got over him and moved on.
We have a local chatroom here on the mountain. It is another (NS) supply source for "Jim" and he is chatting on it every morning. He uses it to brag about what a great guy he is in order to attract attention and women, and to play games with my head. I can't help but look at this website every day because I KNOW he is going to tell the world what he is doing and what good deeds he did for someone, every day. That's how I found out he was with another woman. I FREAKED. I emailed him and told him off......but he ignored my anger and was happy to hear from me. He told me that he had "physical needs" and that was the only reason he was seeing her. He missed me.
I took him back!!! I couldn't bear to think of him with another woman. I think he knew that I would react that way. I played right into his game.
Things weren't the same after that. He knew now that he had my full attention and love. Going back to him shredded every last ounce of pride, dignity or self-esteem I had left.
He signed up for Facebook and I saw all the women he flirted with. He started baking cookies and would flit around town, giving cookies to all the ladies, who were so smitten with such a NICE guy. He got a lot of inappropriate attention from women. He flew back to his home town to meet up with his old high school sweetheart. Each time I would nicely try to talk to him about how all that was making me feel, he would tell me to retract my claws.
When he invited that woman to go camping with him, I finally spoke up. I got angry. Still, I tried to reason with him, as if he didn't know what he was doing and I needed to explain it to him. He told me I was being childish and jealous. I gave him an ultimatum - her or me. After that, I got the silent treatment. Again.
It was the last straw. I was broken glass inside, I felt ugly, unimportant, depressed - exactly how he wanted me to feel. I had to end the insanity.
It has been hard. For a long time, I was lost. I could hardly work, I was a mess, my house was a mess, I was angry and couldn't sleep. I couldn't see the beauty in the world anymore. I was exhausted. And all I could think about was HIM. Morning, noon & night. What was so wrong with me that he couldn't love me? Why wasn't our relationship important to him? Why couldn't he see that I was a good person? Why was my love not enough?
But I stayed strong. I didn't ask him to come back. No contact.
7 months later I am still on the road to healing. I am nowhere near ready to be in another relationship yet. But I'm finally cleaning up my act a little.
A couple of days ago, he announced on the local chatroom that he has a "new honey". He explained how "good" he was to her, how he takes care of her every need. He even posted a picture of her for all the world to see. He knows I read the site, even though I haven't posted in months. Is it possible he is still trying to control me? It doesn't matter. Even though it DID hurt to read that, I did not respond. No contact. Mostly I feel sorry for her. I know he will discard her for someone else eventually. It's inevitable.