Jaybro's Story

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#1 Feb 14 - 11PM
jaybro
jaybro's picture

Jaybro's Story

Controlling or an N?

G'day everybody,

I guess I'd like to know if I was dating a narcissist, she was certainly controlling but I don't know that she fits the N pattern.

I know it's long but please bare with me, my examples are not as obvious as yours in N behaviour. As you'll see it doesn't seem to add up...

I'll put the issues in point form for an easier read.

She:
Was sweet, funny, has friends who love her, is very independent and cared for her friends and family. Also did volunteer work. Hardly narcisstic.

Joked early on that she 'baited and switched' in relationships. As in she started off sweet, baited guys and then 'switched' to what she was really like.

Became instant Facebook friends with my mother after meeting her for the first time.

Told me she had 'emotional walls'
Told me her previous boyfriend had told her she had a temper but he was boring and she dumped him and never looked back.
She had to bring her own muesli (in a sealed bag), her own tea bags, blankets, pillows when she stayed at my place. She could not eat or drink alternative breakfast stuff.
No blanket sharing was allowed and no touching after sex.

She didn't talk to me for 3 days after her friends wedding,for 3 days she wouldn't answer my calls except once, where she said 'you don't want to know what I've got to say to you' and then hung up. 3 days later she called. By the way at this wedding I didn't know anyone there and she was a bridesmaid so lots of sitting on my own trying to make conversation. Anyway when she called she had a list of things I'd done wrong. She accused me of being drunk (which I was not), not talking to her enough, not saying goodnight (which admittedly I didn't do when we got home, I'm afraid I fell asleep)and 'pushing her onto the bed' which I did do but not in an agressive way but in a passionate way as we were kissing, I would NEVER EVER hurt anyone physically. I apologised and felf so awful and agreed to stop drinking although I am not a big drinker. She then thought 'I was wonderful' and she went back to being happy, delightful and funny. During this conversation I said 'look, if this is too hard for you or you think we're too different lets end it' she said 'no no, it's becasue I care about the relationship that I want these things to stop, if I didn't care I'd just break up with you'
I also had to buy a seperate wedding present to hers as she had already bought one which was from 'her' not 'us'. I had met this friend once.

But soon it continued...

Had a temper tantrum when I had the music up too loud and locked herself in her room. I apologised and agreed that the music was too loud.

Told me I was very sensitive, I agreed that I could be but suggested that sometimes she could be moody too. She abrubtly told me 'no I'm not' in a very agressive end of converstaion way.

Told me that she couldn't possibly watch me play guitar because she would be 'too embarrassed'.
Told me that I was one of those emotional guys, that she had dated a guy who played guitar and it was awful, 'too emotional, it was terrible'

Couldn't say 'I love you' if I had said it as she didn't want to feel like she had to because I had. She preferred to say 'ditto'
Told me that 'she had better things to do and would have preffered to be somewhere else' after watching me play soccer once.
Told me that she had in her previous relationship done 'too many things she didn't want to do' and was determined that wasn't going to happen again.

Told me she could not visit my family because I had had a ciggerette 3 months ago and that had broken her trust and if I even had so much of a drag of a ciggerette in the future she would break up with me and that would be my fault.

Didn't want any alcohol in her life (with no explanation) and then wanted to know how many drinks I would be having at my best mates wedding, where I was the best man. I had to tell her exactly how many drinks I would be having or she wouldn't come.

She seemed to be so nice to her friends, they really loved her. She didn't criticize them, had only love and care for them. I don't even think they'd believe me if I told them what she could be like with me behind closed doors.

Threatened to leave one night if I watched 30mins of sport. I had not watched any sport with her for 7 months.
Told me I was not very creative which was dissapointing.

Got angry if I left my keys on her desk, got angry if I left my toiletries bag in the bathroom, got angry when I suggested a movie that she didn't think 'was a girls film' I think it was Robin Hood.
Got angry when I didn't text her back in the appropriate time, didn't text her enough when I was overseas for 2 weeks and we had to speak on the phone every night.

Asked me to move in with her but it had to be in her chosen suburb, with none of my old furniture and it had to happen on a particular month.
No chocolate would be allowed in the house.
She chose clothes for me that were 'cooler than what I was wearing'
Was obsessed with excercise and looked down on people (like me) who like to have a drink sometimes. I also like to exercise by the way.
Told me I watched too much TV. I work in TV so sometimes I watch it.
She once told me in the car that she thought 'we should have a fight' for no reason.
She once told me she wanted to 'hit me' but for no reason.
She didn't like my taste in music and made me feel foolish because of it.
She only seemed happy when we were doing exactly what she wanted to do, everything else was a chore.
She made me feel guilty over things I liked, like somehow they were dumb or boring.
I had to agree with her or the consequences were anger or critical dismissal.

Got angry when I kissed an old friend on the lips (who is married with 2 kids with her husband standing there, she does it with everyone, men and women) and that I had to 'tell her not to do that' I agreed to simply kiss her on the cheek in future as I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. That was no good, I had to tell her. I disagreed, as I had tried to compromise. Her compromise was to not see me if I saw this friend. She was very angry with me for the next 2 nights.
During that week she then told me she was going away for 3
days because she was angry with me. I told her that I'd like to come so we could work on things rather than silence for 3 days. She agreed, and later was all smiles and enthusiasm again.I met loads of her friends, did what she wanted to do but by the last day she changed, wouldn't let me kiss her, hold hands, she had turned into a different person.
In the car ride home she said 'next time I'm coming on my own, I felt suffocated with you here, I have not enjoyed the weekend because of you and I was so embarrassed when you read the paper (I briefly read the paper in the afternoon).
At the time I had never felt so insulted and hurt by someone that was supposed to love me. I have never seen such disregard for someone else's feelings, efforts and compromise. It was like a switch in her head had changed and now she now saw me as pathetic and I was at fault for her feeling the way she did.

How do you come back from that? How do you have any self respect left? After all the compromise, doing what she wanted to do over the past 7 months, my apologies for not living up to her expectations, the guilt, made to feel inadequate, never once appreciating my good qualities but focusing on the bad.
I told her in the car that I didn't want to see her anymore, she said 'fine' angrily, dropped me in the rain and left me to get a train home.

The next day I told her that I was sorry that it had to end and that perhaps I was just too sensitive (self blame) to continue the relationship, that she had fantastic qualities, friends and family and I would miss her. She replied: 'I'm relieved it's over, I constantly had to compromise my happiness to make you happy, we could never talk about our problems (clearly not true as you have seen above)goodbye'.
She never contacted me again, never showed any remorse and blamed the downfall of the relationship on me.

I loved her,head over heals love. I didn't see red flags, I didn't see the subtle put downs, I didn't see that very slowly she was trying to control me by making me feel bad. She didn't do it much in the beginning,an ocassional temper outburst that was quickly hidden, it was all excitement and enthusiasm. It was like she was waiting for me to fall for her and then she could start moulding me into what she wanted, which is exactly what happened. With somone who has such self belief, confidence and a clear idea of her ideal world it's hard to disagree so I turned her criticisms back on myself. I believed them. Suddenly I didn't know what to say, what to do, what to like. I also tried harder to make myself better than in any other relationship ever. I don't understand how someone can be so enthusiastic, so joyful, so excited by us and then turn around every three weeks and make you feel bad about yourself.

She told me her parents 'truly hated each other but stayed together because her mom was catholic'. Surely growing up with that must effect someone? Both parents were totally devoted to her and I think she got away with whatever she wanted.

It was only 7 months, that was 6 months ago and I still think about what I 'should've done better', 'if only I didn't do that or liked what she liked more'.

'Surely this was true love' is what I've been thinking, how else do I explain my certainty that she was the one, the excitement, nerves, I wanted to be a better man for her but it seemed like being a better man was to be more like her version of a better man.

Now she's proudly displayed her new boyfriend and her as her FB profile, I know about NC, it was dumb, I shouldn't have done that. It's brought it all back because I'm now thinking 'well it must have been me, look how happy she is, she's finally met the right guy and he's getting all her wonderful qualities and not the bad ones, what a lucky guy, if only I could have been more of what she wanted I'd have that'

I have never had such a problem getting over someone, the highs were so high it must have been love right? I've come out of it thinking she's absolutely convinced that it was my fault and she did nothing wrong.

Why can't I think like that? Why am I going through this awful process of self blame and regret?
One minute it was 'you're great' the next minute it's anger and dissaproval. It doesn't make sense and the only way I've been able to make sense of it is blaming myself. Surely it's my fault that this girl who is loved by friends and family was angry/dissapointed with me?

I don't think I've met anyone like her. When it was good, it was the best. It was so exciting, funny and passionate. Clearly I wasn't enough.

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated, obviously I'm very confused and my cycle of self blame continues.

Feb 15 - 7AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

She is making your head crazy

She is making your head crazy because she is crazy.. It's time to work on you.. The root of poor relationships stem from within.. Read, NC, therapy.. Welcome.. Hunter
Feb 15 - 3AM
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

Hi jaybro

Personally I think its hard to tell with yours. She seems quite in your face bad tempered rathr than subtley gas lighting or crazy making. Did she have a strong desire for attention.when in public? She might be histrionic, have you looked that up?