Veronica's Story

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#1 Feb 6 - 1PM
Veronica
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Veronica's Story

Abused by my mother and my ex husband - both Narcs

I was abused by my mother ever since I can remember. I was told that I was ugly, fat, shapeless, that I needed corrective surgery, that I was a misshap, that she regretted having me, that I was a mistake, that my birth had marked the economical decline of our family, and the end of my parents' happy (supposedly until then) marriage. I was never good enough. I always had to apologize, even for things I didn't do. Every time she called my name, I shook with fear. The beatings were bad, but the humiliation was worse. Somehow I seemed to be the only one who saw this. I was an only child until I was 12. Then my sister was born. She could do no wrong. My mother told me that she had finally given birth to her child. My mother told me I was not a person, I was a "thing". I was a dog. I was a clown. Undesirable. No one would ever marry me, no one could love me, I wasn't good enough. I was nothing. She lied and lied and manipulated. She never hugged me. She never told me that she loved me. She did tell me that she felt nothing for me. That she had tried to love me and hug me, but she just couldn't. She only said that one time, and it was enough.
I also knew that I shouldn't speak of these things. This was my secret. I couldnt' tell anyone. She had told me that.
I was also confused...
She seemed to forget her outbursts, and if I talked about it she would beat me, because I was a liar.
So I learned not to speak of those things...
In front of the few friends and family who visited us, she would complain about me, about how lazy and manipulative I was, and about my "lies". She told everybody to beware of me, because I had "psychological issues" and a "very active imagination" and a "tendency to make up lies about people, especially her". Everybody would shy away from me.
She was wonderful in front of people. Even her face changed. She was nice, and witty, and funny, and would brag about her cooking skills and how unfortunate she had been with me. She would say "poor child" " I don't know what happened" "why can't she be like all other children".
It was my job to sit and look awkward to reinforce her story. People looked at me with pity.
One time one great aunt said "maybe if you treated her better her self esteem would improve". My mother politely asked her not to get involved. After that, I had to put up with my mother's rage, asking me if I had told her any of my lies to make her feel sorry for me.
I was not allowed to see my aunt for a long time.
My mother would shun those who disagreed with her.
I was always sick as well. Somehow I was always throwing up. Sometimes she would tell me that I was sick, but I knew I wasn't. She would say things like "last night you had a fever" but I knew it wasn't true. I always slept with one eye open because I was so terrified of her. I knew she hadn't come into my room, and I knew I didn't have a fever. She liked to tell everybody how sicklish I was, and how much time and effort it took to take care of a sickly child. I've always wondered about Munchasen but I have no proof.
Needless to say I grew up to be a very disturbed teenager.
I had rage, depression, and all sorts of issues.
Believe it or not, my mother was quite nice to me when I was down.
She seemed to feed off my problems.
Also, when I was about 15, my mother started comparing herself with me.
Bragging about being taller than me, calling me a midget, and also trying to wear my clothes. She tried to befriend my friends, and then tell them bad things about me.
I left at age 18 and never came back. For a few years I was happy, trying to forget my past, but unfortunately, not long afterwards, the nightmares began. I had completely blocked the abuse, and now it was coming back with a vengeance.
I also began having destructive dating patterns. I was looking for a man who would "rescue me". And eventually I found him. My knight in shining armor. He was 8 years older than me, and very smooth and charming. WIthin a week of dating, he told me that there was something very special between us, and that he could really see a future for us. I was swept off my feet. He gave me roses every week. He made me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth. Within months we were married and I was pregnant, and that's when the nightmare began all over again. He wasn't as bad as my mother... but it was close.
We had two girls, and within 6 years we were separated and no long after that we were divorced.
He took away the little self esteem that I had left.
It has taken me years to recover, and I'm not there yet.
The funny thing is that my mother loves him. They talk about me all the time, about how difficult I am, and how ungrateful for all they've done for me.
I haven't talked to my mother in about 2 years, except for birthdays. I feel better, but I still struggle with guilt. I never got the apology that I wanted. When I tried to confront her she exploded.
Now I understand that I will never get that apology, and even if I do get it, it will not be sincere.
She is one miserable old lady, and except for my father, she is all alone.
My father is her puppet. He has no will. He has completely surrendered to her.
My sister is just like her. The golden child. But she has moved away as well. I don't talk to my sister either.
My ex on the other side.... he calls, he's needy, then he disappears, then he calls again, he wants to see his children, he blames all his misery on me.
He has dated several other women, before and after the split, but vehemently denies it. He is addicted to porn and strippers, but he denies it. He's been arrested for DUI several times, and yet he blames everything on me.
It was MY fault.
When he's dating someone else he disappears, they don't last more than 4 or 5 weeks.
Then he calls, crying. He misses his children terribly. I took them away from him. I'm bad. I'm mean. He always loved me so much, and look what I've done to him.
I destroyed our family and moved 60 miles away. (yes, 60 miles, that's it, but he gives me grief for that all the time).
Now I have decided to stop all avoidable contact. But it's not going to be easy. He does all sorts of things to get my attention. He stopped paying the mortgage so I started getting notices, etc.
He has all sorts of tricks under his sleeve.
I got my daughters a cell phone and instructed him not to ever call me again. He can call the girls directly.
If he wants to make arrangements to meet the girls, he can only text me.
He got all offended and acting like a victim when I texted him that.
Doesn't surprise me.
I have a new life now. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 4 years now, but somehow, my ex seems to think that he owns me.
With these support groups and all these books on NPD, I am finally regaining my sense of worth and I am finally facing all these demons from my past.
It HURTS, A LOT. But it also helps. A lot too.
I'm learning how to manage these two horrible people, and how not to allow them to feed off my insecurities.
I know that the road ahead is bumpy, but I know that I will succeed, one step at a time, one day at a time, and I will regaing my self-worth.
Love and strength to all those women and children going through something similar.
It will get better.

Feb 7 - 4PM
brinamarie
brinamarie's picture

i relate very much to your

i relate very much to your story. as if one website isn't enough.. hope you find this useful :) http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
Feb 6 - 4PM
Hunter
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Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your story.. I'm glad you're learning to manage these creatures.. Sounds like you've got it.. Hunter