addicted to the poison
addicted to the poison
I just spent 2 years with a text book narcissist. I knew she had problems opening up to me, and that she was a master manipulator, but I kept lying to myself that "one day things will be better" and "she just needs to mature and grow out of this behavior then we will be happy". Her mother was a narcissist, my (ex)girlfriend was emotionally abused growing up, she battled an eating disorder, she justifies lying to suit her own needs, etc. And just like everyone else our relationship ended the same way, D&D.
For the past 6 months I have felt like a piece of cast out trash. My self-esteem has been in the tank, and I've been trying to make sense of it all. Before this woman (monster), I was the most confident person I knew . . . I achieved my dreams of becoming a doctor, I traveled all over the world photographing interesting places, I helped those in the 3rd world on medical expeditions, I have a wonderful group of friends, and a family who loves me dearly. Life before the narcissistic girlfriend was great, but now that I was manipulated and cast aside, I am left picking up the pieces.
Trying to move on with my life I recently started dating again, and then the narcissistic ex recently re-contacted me. She confessed her undying love for me, apologized for everything, begged me to take her back and said that we were soul mates, and begged me not to marry the current girl who I am dating. Then she asked me to send her copies of all the photos I had of us together. She said that she was making a photo book of all our wonderful times together. I fell for it, and spent hours looking through old photos and chatting with her about the good times we had.
Well a couple weeks later I did something that was wrong. I knew that her email account password was saved on my computer, so I went through her emails she recently wrote to her best friend. She was telling her friend about how she just had sex with one the people we were friends with as a couple. But here she is professing her undying love to me and 2 weeks later hooking up with one of our friends.
Well I was sooooo hurt, and I figured out a way to call them both up and confront them about it. She lied to my face and said that she would never have sleep with our friend because she loves me and wants to be back together with me and she knows that sleeping with this friend would ruin our chances to be back together.
When I confronted the friend he said that being around her again was so uncomfortable and that all she did every minute of the evening was compare herself to the current girl I am dating. He says that they didn't have sex, but that she tried to sleep with him, but when he said no she got unbelievably angry. He said something is very disturbing about her and doesn't want to talk to her again.
I don't know who to believe and I don't really care.
My problem is that I am addicted to spying on her email. It's the only contact I have with her and it's like a drug. I think I am hoping to read an email where she actually feels bad about how she treated me or shows some kind of guilt or remorse for the things she does. Of course in my head I know she is messed up, but in my heart I really miss her . . . even though she treated me badly I still miss her. I feel like a battered spouse who keeps returning to her abusive husband.
Why can't I stop from being her doormat? How do I get myself to stop checking her email for signs that she is a changed person and still cares about me?
Man this is really hard, and I feel upside down. I want the day to come where I laugh at myself for ever wanting to be with this person, but is that a realistic expectation?
It's a long message, but thanks to those who made it all the way to the end.