addicted to the poison

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#1 February 2, 2012 - 12:14am
dcorgan
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addicted to the poison

I just spent 2 years with a text book narcissist. I knew she had problems opening up to me, and that she was a master manipulator, but I kept lying to myself that "one day things will be better" and "she just needs to mature and grow out of this behavior then we will be happy". Her mother was a narcissist, my (ex)girlfriend was emotionally abused growing up, she battled an eating disorder, she justifies lying to suit her own needs, etc. And just like everyone else our relationship ended the same way, D&D.

For the past 6 months I have felt like a piece of cast out trash. My self-esteem has been in the tank, and I've been trying to make sense of it all. Before this woman (monster), I was the most confident person I knew . . . I achieved my dreams of becoming a doctor, I traveled all over the world photographing interesting places, I helped those in the 3rd world on medical expeditions, I have a wonderful group of friends, and a family who loves me dearly. Life before the narcissistic girlfriend was great, but now that I was manipulated and cast aside, I am left picking up the pieces.

Trying to move on with my life I recently started dating again, and then the narcissistic ex recently re-contacted me. She confessed her undying love for me, apologized for everything, begged me to take her back and said that we were soul mates, and begged me not to marry the current girl who I am dating. Then she asked me to send her copies of all the photos I had of us together. She said that she was making a photo book of all our wonderful times together. I fell for it, and spent hours looking through old photos and chatting with her about the good times we had.

Well a couple weeks later I did something that was wrong. I knew that her email account password was saved on my computer, so I went through her emails she recently wrote to her best friend. She was telling her friend about how she just had sex with one the people we were friends with as a couple. But here she is professing her undying love to me and 2 weeks later hooking up with one of our friends.

Well I was sooooo hurt, and I figured out a way to call them both up and confront them about it. She lied to my face and said that she would never have sleep with our friend because she loves me and wants to be back together with me and she knows that sleeping with this friend would ruin our chances to be back together.

When I confronted the friend he said that being around her again was so uncomfortable and that all she did every minute of the evening was compare herself to the current girl I am dating. He says that they didn't have sex, but that she tried to sleep with him, but when he said no she got unbelievably angry. He said something is very disturbing about her and doesn't want to talk to her again.

I don't know who to believe and I don't really care.

My problem is that I am addicted to spying on her email. It's the only contact I have with her and it's like a drug. I think I am hoping to read an email where she actually feels bad about how she treated me or shows some kind of guilt or remorse for the things she does. Of course in my head I know she is messed up, but in my heart I really miss her . . . even though she treated me badly I still miss her. I feel like a battered spouse who keeps returning to her abusive husband.

Why can't I stop from being her doormat? How do I get myself to stop checking her email for signs that she is a changed person and still cares about me?

Man this is really hard, and I feel upside down. I want the day to come where I laugh at myself for ever wanting to be with this person, but is that a realistic expectation?

It's a long message, but thanks to those who made it all the way to the end.

Cheers,
Dustin

February 16, 2012 - 5:43pm
Im_always_fine
Im_always_fine's picture

Don't they have most uncanny

Don't they have most uncanny timing? She resurfaces just as you get back in the game. Is it timing or is she watching? Vicariously through friends... I'd tend to believe your guy friend. It sounds like she was calling "dibs" on him by bragging about being with him. She's probably competitive. (anyways you two are over...you can't run around reacting to the tales of a known LIAR. You'll just look crazy...accusing people of sleeping with her...especially if they haven't) As for the obsessing on her. You have to find something to INSTEAD. Go to the gym(get in killer shape) Paint your house. Detail your car. Volunteer. Just get away from the computer and engage in something else. It's like a drug...you have to detox before you can rehab. Last August I accessed the NARC/pimps e mails. I spent weeks reading almost 500 emails and messages between him and 17 other women...some of whom he was sleeping with...all of whom were being sexual with him(cyber and phone F-ing) Anyways it was enough...I GOT it...I KNOW what he is. I haven't looked since. I could but why make myself feel shitty? I KNOW what he does and I don't care who he does it with. Just keep coming here and telling your story...GET IT OUT.
February 9, 2012 - 2:00pm
oceangirl
oceangirl's picture

Dustin, you can do it. Lead

Dustin, you can do it. Lead yourself to the point of "who cares about what she does". I think Hunter has posted those words before "who cares". The more you think and take care of yourself, the more SHE won't matter as much. It is very hard to fight the urge to check emails. I did that in the beginning, checking phone records. I don't even know why I was trying to prove he was cheating - he ALWAYS cheated! What was I thinking? I should have been trying to nail him to the wall for abusing my son, which I eventually did. I focused on the wrong thing. Two pieces of excellent advice I've received, one from a life coach and counselor and surfer: Living a Happy Life is the best "revenge", and, "Don't let the drowning swimming take you down". These pieces of advice have served me well. I hope the best for you - don't give up.
February 2, 2012 - 11:05pm
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Hey Dustin... I know exactly

Hey Dustin... I know exactly where you are coming from...we give 100% to someone and we expect to have that returned to us. It is the biggest let down, world shattering experience when we come to realize that what we thought was them loving us was simply them using us. To come to terms with being no more valued than a sofa or a toaster is not something anyone should have to do..and yet, that is exactly the way a relationship works with a Narc. When Mr. N ended things abruptly with me, I didn't have access to his email..but I was addicted to checking his FB profile picture. Every day...sometimes 2 or 3 times a day I would go to see if he had changed it and if he had, I would wonder where the picture was taken and if there was a girl in the picture, I would wonder who she was. I was absolutely obsessed with doing this...primarily because I wasn't ready to let him go (even though it was quite apparent that he was more than able to let me go in a second). What I failed to appreciate was that I was keeping myself tied to the pain. As Hunter astutely puts it Contact=Pain. That is any contact at all...even as mundane as searching their name or checking their email. 2 months ago, I finally said "enough is enough" and I stopped checking. I can't tell you how freeing it is "not to know". I have no idea what Mr. N is doing, who he is seeing or anything else about his life. Do I miss him? Yes, sometimes I miss what I thought we had...I miss what I dreamed we would have. But I have come to realize that what I miss is the actor..I don't miss the "real" Mr. N. How do you stop being a doormat? You get real with yourself...you journal your relationship and make sure you write out an accurate account of how things went...whenever you wax sentimental or start to miss her and think that she can change..take that journal out and reread it. There is nothing like proof of her past actions to help keep you from going back. The best predictor of how she will act in the future...is how she has acted in the past. Narcs have no incentive to change. There are no happy endings with Narcs. I am glad you found your way here...I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all the pain you are experiencing go away...but the best I can offer is for you to keep coming here and sharing whenever you feel confused or sad or angry. Everyone on this forum has been where you are...and we are all committed to helping each other heal. I can honestly say that this forum has been a life saver for me. I wish you all the best. HUGS!
February 2, 2012 - 8:21pm
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Hi Dustin.. WoW..we are

Hi Dustin.. WoW..we are getting a lot of guys to surface around Narcville..well welcome to Narcville.. All you can do is walk away.. This woman is a freak like the rest of these Assclowns. .. I must say .. I kinda of believe your guy friend.. Once you learn more you will begin to see how very evil these creatures are.. A visit here in Narcville takes as long at it takes.. NC is our only rule.. follow it and soon you will feel bettter.. We are offering a support group staring FEB 8 th.. Get familiar with the site.. I suggest doing a lot of reading before posting.. Most of the answers to your questions have all ready been answered.. Same Narc behavior different body.. I'll be Back around in a few days to check on you.. Hunter
February 2, 2012 - 6:29am
Gso88
Gso88's picture

Hey Dustin, Sorry you had to

Hey Dustin, Sorry you had to find your way here, but at the same time I am glad you did. This place is a great resource to helping you with the issues you are facing. As a guy it's rough being in this boat. The roller coaster of emotions, the lack of any sort of logic, no closure, and the callousness of a D&D just don't click in our heads. I will say this right now, and you will hear it hundreds of times all over this community. No Contact! And yes that includes her email. I understand your position, I went through something similar where a friend of hers was forwarding me screen shots of her email from her phone. That does nothing but keep the wound fresh and stops you from picking yourself out of the "slump" I can promise you that you will find no remorse in those emails, unless of course she finds out you are reading them and uses it to try and manipulate you. How do you stop you ask? Just do it! No calls, no texts, no email, no social networking, no conversations with mutual friends keeping tabs on her..., NOTHING. And I won't hide it from you, the first week or 2 is going to be a bitch. You are going to have to fight the urge to check, to text, to keep tabs on her. It's an addiction fueled by the hearts desire man. Fight it. This will be one of the biggest internal struggles of your life, WHEN you succeed you will be all the better off for it. My advice is this, vent here. When you get the urge to check immediately find your way here and get whatever feelings that are driving you towards contact out. You'll get the support and encouragement to keep on. After you get it out take some time away from the technology and do some internal reflection. Don't run from or hide the feelings you are facing. Accept they exist and are a current issue in your reality. Analyze them and discover why you are feeling those emotions, dig deep beyond "because of her" and soon you will find the negative aspects of your relationship that you may have buried from yourself. Discovery weakens the hold the relationship is having on your heart. I'm sure you are busy, and it may be quicker to just check her email on your phone than vent or take time to think, but I can assure you I am very busy at work as well. The way someone put it to me was -"Do you want someone to get hurt, hurt yourself or your friends because you are distracted? Take the time for yourself and do what you have to do, there is a reason they tell you to put your oxygen mask on in a plane before helping others..." Read up, ask questions, ask for support when you need it. Like I said this community has worked wonders for me. I hope you stick around and start to recover soon.
February 2, 2012 - 8:25pm (Reply to #2)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

GSO

You do good work.. Hunter
February 3, 2012 - 12:58am (Reply to #3)
bobh3625
bobh3625's picture

why do we fall so hard

why do the people us who end upp with the narcs fall so hard in love and have such a hard time getting away
February 3, 2012 - 2:54am (Reply to #4)
Gso88
Gso88's picture

Bob keep your head up

I know it sucks right now. Im right there with you. Try not to think about the why's and what if's...I can tell you are thinking about it when you wrote that post. Its natural, dont worry, but when you catch yourself thinking like that you MUST redirect your thoughts. Why do we end up with the narcs and fall head over heels for them? Because we have the capacity to love... and they take that love and turn it into "supply." When that supply is fresh they can appear to be the most "caring and loving" people because they "can't live without us" and for the most part that is true. Deep down they need us because they are empty and miserable without that supply. We like the initial way they make us feel. We feel special and important. We have a hard time breaking away because we invest so much into it. As a guy, from a practical perspective, its like an investment, or a gamble. You go all in and you want a return. The problem is they take it all and run. We find ourselves in a bit of a shock. Can you imagine betting your life savings and the dealer just up and walks away with your chips!? You would be upset, frustrated, angry and most of all you just wouldnt understand. Why in the hell did that just happen?! We then try and rationalize, make excuses, replay hundreds of scenarios over in our heads trying to find out what went wrong. Until you can break that cycle you will find it extremely hard to break away from the relationship. No that it was nothing you did. Understand that, dont just say it. Thats a very important first step. Fight man. Fight for you and your recovery. Do whatever it takes, go for a walk, take a long drive down some back roads you've never been before, hit the gym, run until you can barely lift your legs (just make sure you end up back at home by the time that happens!). Read read read on this subject. Its painful but think back on the relationship both good and bad. You will find the bad outweighs the good. You may also notice like I did that the good was tainted by the bad I let myself ignore the entire duration of the relationship. Let yourself feel the emotions, dont hide them in some deep recesses of your mind, dont run from them. Embrace them but dont let yourself be consumed by them and soon you will find they fade. This is a long, painful, bumpy road to feeling like yourself again, Im not going to sugar coat it to try and make you feel happy, we need to avoid the illusions of happiness we suffered under our respective Narcs. You WILL be better. Once day at a time. Every morning you may wake up upset after a bad dream or whatever. But stick with it, work on "you" and you will discover that every day you will feel just a little bit better sooner and sooner with every day you stick with your recovery "plan."
February 3, 2012 - 3:16am (Reply to #5)
bobh3625
bobh3625's picture

gso

thank you so much
February 3, 2012 - 7:58am (Reply to #6)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Hi guys, Typically the reason

Hi guys, Typically the reason each of us ( guys included) became involved in a toxic relationship is due to deeper issuses.. It's soul searching time my friends.. I highly recommend finding a Thearpist.. Hunter