Uncharacteristic behavior and confusion

9 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jan 30 - 9AM
Gso88
Gso88's picture

Uncharacteristic behavior and confusion

I was directed to post here as this forum gets a bit more traffic than the "all about her" section so I figured I would do just that. I posted a pretty long breakdown of what happened with my ex-N there and how I was feeling, if you are interested in killing some time check it out. 

To clear up some things from that post based on even more reading and knowledge acquisition and the "problems" I'm currently having I wanted to write this post.

The biggest issues I am having is with anger (both at myself, her, and the OM), shock at how quickly the "perfect" relationship collapsed, and the sense of loss and uncertainty overall.

I'm not having issues maintaining NC, quite frankly I am disgusted by the very thought of her and what she is(has been) doing. I'm not sitting around moping and staring at my phone hoping she will call or text, or blaming myself for what happened, etc.

Where I'm at a loss is this overwhelming sense of confusion. Against all my better judgements and against my very instincts I pursued and engaged in a long term relationship with this Narc. I knew something was off from day one yet I continued, I knew was suspicious of her behavior for months but just rationalized it and continued, I won't say that I'm not "sad and upset" because let's face it, I an, it's natural and unavoidable after any relationship ends, the problem is that it's so intense and long lasting. I have never been an outwardly emotional person- its just a result of my work. I'm not saying I'm not emotional or repress my emotions, I just tend to internally analyze the emotions and move on rather than express them outwardly to understand them.

It's not working, these feelings and inability to move forward is not me. My behaviors and actions both while I was with her and after the D&D are not me. The fact that I was soooo blind as to be manipulated and twisted drives me insane.

I can't stop thinking about her. Sometimes it's about the "good", most the times it is about the bad. I just want her gone. I'm angry bitter and irritable. I'm disgusted. I can't sleep eat or drink. It's like an obsession, albeit not one with "positive" thoughts. That's not healthy.

I can't help but to be upset thinking that the stuff "we shared" is now shared with someone else so quickly. 

The lack of normal human logic behind her actions is just beyond my ability to grasp, even though I understand the logic from a Narc perspective now.

To be bothered so much by one person, to be unable to sort these thoughts and emotions out, to be so blindsided by something like this, to be so completely at a loss is just not me.

I'm "rediscovering me," I'm taking time for myself and doing things I want to do, improving myself physically and mentally but it just does not seem to be working, I feel like I'm in the same exact spot I was after the initial shock wore off...

Thoughts?

Feb 6 - 9AM
oceangirl
oceangirl's picture

Response to thoughts....

I had the same kinds of thoughts. They become mind-boggling because you can't realize how someone can make our minds like this. I have found that trying to view the thoughts on a more analytical than emotional basis helps - it kind of makes them less emotional. Their object is to confuse us and make us doubt ourselves. They are extrememly damaging to our thoughts. You have probably heard it before, but going one day at a time, doing small things for yourself that you used to do to get yourself back helps. And always remember - it wasn't you. They try to make others think we are the crazy ones, but really, it was them all along.
Jan 31 - 2AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Hi Welcome to the forum

I read your last post and yes it was long, perhaps too long for some to finish. Much better on here to stick with one topic at a time and It was more of your story than a specific topic so I have moved your long post to share your story and this one to It's all about her forum. Looks to me like you got responses to your post in it's all about her. Sparrow posted a response to you on this post which is what I would say as well. The only thing I may add is I do offer one on one sessions for those who want a more intensified personalized session and you are welcome to schedule a session and we can go over some of what is troubling you in more depth. The session may be ordered on my blog and you are welcome to PM me to set up a time which works for you. The first session if ordered on the blog is and hour and a half so that we have plenty of time to go over your most immediate concerns and history and then they are hourly after this. Keep reading, posting, and sharing. God bless, Goldie
Jan 31 - 12AM
bobh3625
bobh3625's picture

not sure if I belong

I was with this beutiful girl for seven years and noticed something the day she moved in...My stuff was junk which she threw away and hers was prize even though my stuff was much better....Than through out the years i could never do nothing to please her I would do the dishes prefect she would redo.....Yes she was a complete perfectionist also....Always cutting me down and when i would stick up for meee I would get the silent treatment for 3 to 5 days......She was always number one and i felt like i was 10th or so on her list....I spent so many night crying to sleep....Than on 1-07 I come home and there is a moving van there wow i have not ate slept much and am a mess Than i see this forum and i said yes well maybe I am jsut stuck in the sad stage right now and want to get out the first week I called three times but for 16 days there has been NC Thank for reading Bob
Jan 30 - 11PM
dazed
dazed's picture

I read your original post

I read your original post detailing what you've been through. And I'm sorry you've had this experience. I am also a guy who had the misfortune to be with a particularly vicious N. Very difficult person and fortunately out of my life...except like you and others I think of my N on a daily basis. All the feelings you've expressed in both posts are totally normal. You are trying to make sense of the experience and the N, but normal logic just does not apply to these people. They treat people like objects and leave you coldly and callously. You have sustained a lot of damage and unfortunately it takes time to work through. So maybe take this time to ask yourself a few questions. You write that the behavior and actions weren't you. So why did you change? What were you hoping to gain or avoid by changing? You didn't want to point out a problem because why? Her reaction? Would it highlight that the relationship wasn't as great as you thought? You get the point. I think digging into why you behaved the way you did is your opportunity to grow. And it will help you on your next relationship. Rediscovering you is what you should be doing. The working out and losing weight and improving yourself may not seem to be working but I think you are underestimating it. What you are doing is taking care of yourself. Keep at it. Doing nothing and wallowing in the whys and hows will keep you stuck. You are young and have learned something valuable. May not seem like it now but you have. And I guarantee you that you will be able to spot these people much easier in the future. So don't waste the opportunity before you and get taken in next time. Learn, grow and when you meet an N in the future you will be better equipped to protect yourself and tell them to take a hike.
Jan 30 - 1PM
peacelily76
peacelily76's picture

You are angry - so be angry and work through it

I know exactly where you are coming from as this was me a year ago. You are trying to understand and rationalise irrational behaviour, as someone so beautifully put here, trying to make sense of the senseless. Unfortunately, you won't be able to make logical sense of it. You will keep ending up in the same place. What you need to do is FEEL your way through this. Once you start engaging with the emotions you are suppressing by THINKING about this so much, you will start to work through the process and begin to heal. It will take months (sorry) but you have to do it. When that hideous person pops into your head, try and figure out what you are feeling, then concentrate on that feeling. What is it? Anger? Regret? Shame? Hatred? What do you feel? It is important to understand your feelings as they will let you know what progress you are making as they begin to lessen in intensity. The narc did not give you closure. All humans need closure to feel they have ended something in a complete way that lets your spirit rest. A narc wants you to be in pain because they feed off this. You could say they win at this stage but hang on in there. Whilst the narc desperately and stupidly goes careering into the next suicide bomber love attack, you are taking your time to get to know yourself again. You are healing, even if it doesn't initially feel like it. You see, a narc will never win because they will never be honest with themselves and they are so insecure they won't ever be able to validate themselves by themselves, for themselves. They are not whole, nor will they ever be. You don't have to trample over other people to live your life each day. You don't have to stack up sources of supply to keep a fake smile on your face. You don't have to lie to yourself and others that your life is perfect. You don't have to pretend to be something you're not. You are you. You already WON. Keep posting and keep healing. You WILL get there! :-)
Jan 30 - 12PM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Making sense of the senseless

It is terribley confusing for an other wise "normal" human being to make sense of the senseless, and that is what we initially try to do. I certainly did and still do, but a lot less so than I did 5 months ago. If you met me, you would never imagine that I could have been taken in by the slick coward I spent over a year with. Trust me, I undertand when you say you are angry with yourself BUT you will come to realize after reading here that you were manipulated by a disordered pro. Now you know. There will be many stages of realizaton so read about Cognitive Dissonance so you will understand. Also, since you mentioned that you have usually handled these types of things internally, now might be a good time to find a trusted advisor or therapist to help you along. Goldie can offer you a one to one from this site. Hang in there and know that it will get better incrementally and that there will be days when you feel like it is fresh again but with knowledge and support and the tools here, it will be so much easier.
Jan 30 - 11AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

It's not "like" an obsession,

It's not "like" an obsession, it is an obsession. You are more than likely going through withdrawal, basically de-toxing from the relationship. Normal relationships, you go through the motions of sadness, regret, most times able to maintain a friendship at the very least, but with toxic people, the end is magnified because of the emotional damage this person has done to the other in the relationship. The lies, the cheating, the betrayal, the things that don't exist in a normal relationship with a normal person. They cast a "spell" on you,rape your soul, for the lack of a better word. And it is extremely difficult to get over this. But it can be done, in time and with much effort. I remember thinking of mine every minute of every day, than every hour of every day, and now occassionally. It drove me nuts, I kept resisting the thoughts, trying to control them and continued to fail. It was only when I started to heal, did the obsession begin to subside. What has happened to you is serious, and should not be dismissed as an unfortunate breakup. You have been violated, intentionally, by a very disordered person and must take the steps necessary to heal. Educate yourself on the disorder, knowledge is power. We have a few male members on the forum that I am sure would be more than happy to share in their experiences as well. One name that comes to mind is Donesourcing. He is very knowledgeable and you will find him very helpful. And of course, all the members are here to help, at any time. Sorry that your original post didn't get much feedback. Continuing posting and reading!
Jan 30 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Thoughts? Yes, you've been

Thoughts? Yes, you've been narced.. What you're feeling is normal.. Read,Read,Read, thearpy, and you may even need antidepressants .. They say 18 months before you'll feel better.. Vent here with us.. Hunter