Needshelp's Story

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#1 Jan 25 - 10AM
Needshelp's picture

Needshelp's Story

I am so embarassed...

Okay. I am finally ready to be DONE with this. I have hesitated to share my story because, well, I'm not proud of it, and because I was still holding on to the fantasy. But no more. It is time to move on and be healthy, and happy!

I have been married for 18 years. My husband is a great man who would never leave me, and would stick by me through anything. The problem is, I guess, that I see him more as a dad or a brother, not someone I am in love with. Even so, I never thought I would have an affair. Never. We have a 7 year old daughter, and I have been content in my life.

Well, almost 2 years ago I met my narc doing a show. I am an actress who pursued a professional career, but I am now just content doing community theater. During this show, I was mostly annoyed by this man. He was always making annoying jokes, and I didn't like him. Then he and I were asked to be in the company's next show. He was playing my husband. I could tell that he liked me, and was attracted to me, and somehow that made me like him too. So by this time last year we were engaging in extensive email conversations with each other. Then he sent me an email telling me he had a crush on me, and that he had never felt this way about any woman before, so he knew that since I was married, we could not be friends anymore. This devastated me. 2 weeks later I called him and told him I still wanted to be his friend, and that it was okay that he had a crush on me.

So then he shared his life story with me, giving me very intimate details of his life. Then, within a few months, after he knew I depended on his friendship and was his best friend (okay, let's face it, I was having an emotional affair) he tried to end the friendship, saying that it was too difficult to be my friend considering how he felt about me. I begged him not to go. This happened with increasing frequency (probably once a week) and what was so odd about it was how angry he would get. He would just get so angry with me about it.

Finally, towards the end of July he said he was leaving for good. He was in love with me, and had to get me out of his mind. Well, the fact of the matter was I was in love with him too, so I couldn't let him go. I told him I was in love with him, and we met up and the affair became more than emotional.

I told him that I was not going to leave my husband. He said "Of course not. Did you think that's what this was about? That I wanted you to leave your husband?"

Well, 2 days later he asked me if that was set in stone. I said that considering what I was doing with him, I guess it wasn't. He said okay, that was all he needed. Then 3 days later, he said he needed a promise from me that I was going to leave my husband. I don't even remember what I said, but I knew I didn't want to lose him. I knew too that it was ridiculous to make that kind of promise now.

He has continued to pressure me, using a myriad of abusive tactics (though none physical) and I am just so confused as to why I put up with this, and really really thought I wanted to leave my husband and be with him forever. He would spend hours on the phone with me, devaluing me, telling me about all the other women he was going to date, telling me sexual things I had to do with him to keep him, screaming at me, swearing at me, blaming me for his abuse, and I put up with it all! Of course he told me that "if we we were together, it would be different. He wouldn't be this way - it was the situation...

He gave me an ultimatum to leave my husband by the 31st of Dec. I really thought I would. But I obviously came to realize I couldn't. So, when I didn't, he went went crazy with texts, emails, phone calls, and he even dropped out of the play we were currently in rehearsals for, sending a note to the director telling him everything. Nice.

Two days later he came back and said that he realized how he was wrong, how could I possibly get the strength and courage needed to "do what I was supposed to do" with him acting the way that he did. He promised to be committed to me no matter what, and to let me handle things on my own time.

2 weeks later, he said forget it, he was leaving. I betrayed him 12/31, and he didn't trust or love me any more, how could I do that to him? At this point, I still don't want to lose him (why?? why??) but I now have some fight in me. I told him that he never should have promised to be committed to me if that was how he felt. He thought that the 2 weeks should have been plenty of time for me to feel comfortable and "do the right thing." So I don't know, I get crazy when he tries to leave, so I said I would do it soon, and somehow it came that this coming Sunday was the deadline.

Well, this last weekend he lost it again, and said he was going back to his ex wife, that that was where God wanted him. I was furious, and called him on everything. The countless times he promised to stop the abuse, but didn't. Many, many things. Of course, you know how that went. He started saying that now I brought the monster out, and I would need to get a restraining order, because he was now crazy, and was going to come after my husband. In the meantime, he still expects me to leave him by Sunday. Since I said I would, he said he would "kill me" if I didn't. Then he said of course he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't lay a hand on me. But he would cut my head off.

So, here I am. I actually am going to go get a restraining order. I have some messages and emails that are threatening enough. And obviously, NC.

If you have read this far, thank you. I am scared, sad, and feeling really, really horrible about myself. Wish me luck!

Jan 26 - 8PM
Hope's picture

I would get the restraining order....

I would go ahead with that plan and the first attempt at contact, have him arrested for violation. He will get the message then. Stay safe, take care, Hope.
Jan 25 - 9PM
ash5233's picture

I am so sorry

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. What a roller coaster you have been on...I am really scared for you, too. I don't put anything past these people...they'll say and do anything to get exactly what they want because they think they are entitled to have it, no matter what. And do not be embarassed at all. I relate a lot with your story...mine too never outright said "leave your husband" but he always would tell me to "fix it" so that I could be with him. He would never commit to anything with me until I had divorced my husband. He used that against me everyday for the last three years--that he could not give me compliments, couldn't respect me, couldn't NOT sleep with other women--because I was married and I didn't deserve respect from him. But I know exactly what it would be like if I had left my husband..he'd be even more of an asshole because he would know he had allll that power over me, and that I divorced because of HIM. I too met with a lawyer when my husband found out about the affair. It wasn't even because I wanted to--I just wanted to show N that I was making a step toward leaving my husband, and I thought that would hold him over for a while. Eventually he found an OW, and when that all went to hell, I was right there for him, with open arms. Then he found another one, and here I am now, alone, and trying to get my life back. I really hope that you can get this under control very soon. PM me anytime--lots of love and hugs to you!!
Jan 26 - 11AM (Reply to #10)
Needshelp's picture

Thank you! Love and hugs to

Thank you! Love and hugs to you too!
Jan 25 - 2PM
dabussard's picture


I was exactly where you are 10 months ago. My N wanted me to leave my husband. He begged and pleaded with me to leave my husband. I went to a lawyer and was going full speed ahead. But, then the abuse, mind games and push pull started... He raped me annually and I started to wonder what I was messing with...And I found this site... I got educated: These lovely ladies on this forum, my therapist, my friends and my husband got me away from him... Believe me it is a game to them. He will get you to leave your husband and he will leave you... It is all about power and control. He wants to destroy you and the best way to accomplish that is to get you away from your husband. Please stay away from him... These men are dangerious.. Go NC, block his number, and change up your schedule... Go to the store, gas station, and evenings out at different times than you normally did... Please stay away from him... Good Luck!
Jan 26 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
Needshelp's picture

Thank you. Yes, that is just

Thank you. Yes, that is just what I am doing. FINALLY able to go NC! Changing up my schedule is a good idea. I am usually home most of the day emailing and talking to the N. I'll find some different things to do!
Jan 25 - 12PM
Used's picture


Jan 25 - 11AM
Hunter's picture

Fucking SOB.. Stop

Fucking SOB.. Stop communicating with him NOW.. Do nothing.... If he goes to your husband then we will put a new plan together.. Right now you change your number.. block him everywhere .. Most time these are just threats.. Hunter
Jan 26 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Needshelp's picture

He is blocked, I am not

He is blocked, I am not communicating, and i am doing nothing. Thank you!
Jan 26 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
Hunter's picture

You must stick to NC .. You

You must stick to NC .. You must... I have a similar story.. Don't be embarrassed .. These freaks brainwash you.. And don't tell your husband unless the shit hits the fan.. Hunter
Jan 25 - 11AM
Sparrow's picture

Of course you are scared, as

Of course you are scared, as you should be. Please have no more contact with this dangerously disordered man. Can you talk to your husband about this? Or do you believe he would leave as well? This is a very difficult place for you to be. Your narc, from the word go, in the relationship, set out to destroy you. He is what is termed as a predator. He is using every tactic to get you to leave your husband, even threatening you with harm. Trust me, if you were to leave your husband, this man would not be waiting for you with open arms, to ride off into the sunset. He would actually yell "score!" and find that to be a victory. NC from this point on. Not just for your sanity, but your safety and the safety of your family. Please keep close to the forum. And know that you are not alone. We will all help you get through this. BTW......I am still reading over your post, trying to find the part that is embarrassing. There is NOTHING to be embarrassed about! Nothing........ Hugs.
Jan 26 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
Needshelp's picture

I guess I was just

I guess I was just embarrassed that I was involved in an affair. It was something I never thought I'd do, and I know there are many women here struggling with their N's having affairs, so I feel bad... Thank yo so much for your kind words! I am not going to talk to my husband about this. I actually think he would stick by me, but I don't want to go down that road if I don't have to. I am going to wait it out and see...