I am so embarassed...
Okay. I am finally ready to be DONE with this. I have hesitated to share my story because, well, I'm not proud of it, and because I was still holding on to the fantasy. But no more. It is time to move on and be healthy, and happy!
I have been married for 18 years. My husband is a great man who would never leave me, and would stick by me through anything. The problem is, I guess, that I see him more as a dad or a brother, not someone I am in love with. Even so, I never thought I would have an affair. Never. We have a 7 year old daughter, and I have been content in my life.
Well, almost 2 years ago I met my narc doing a show. I am an actress who pursued a professional career, but I am now just content doing community theater. During this show, I was mostly annoyed by this man. He was always making annoying jokes, and I didn't like him. Then he and I were asked to be in the company's next show. He was playing my husband. I could tell that he liked me, and was attracted to me, and somehow that made me like him too. So by this time last year we were engaging in extensive email conversations with each other. Then he sent me an email telling me he had a crush on me, and that he had never felt this way about any woman before, so he knew that since I was married, we could not be friends anymore. This devastated me. 2 weeks later I called him and told him I still wanted to be his friend, and that it was okay that he had a crush on me.
So then he shared his life story with me, giving me very intimate details of his life. Then, within a few months, after he knew I depended on his friendship and was his best friend (okay, let's face it, I was having an emotional affair) he tried to end the friendship, saying that it was too difficult to be my friend considering how he felt about me. I begged him not to go. This happened with increasing frequency (probably once a week) and what was so odd about it was how angry he would get. He would just get so angry with me about it.
Finally, towards the end of July he said he was leaving for good. He was in love with me, and had to get me out of his mind. Well, the fact of the matter was I was in love with him too, so I couldn't let him go. I told him I was in love with him, and we met up and the affair became more than emotional.
I told him that I was not going to leave my husband. He said "Of course not. Did you think that's what this was about? That I wanted you to leave your husband?"
Well, 2 days later he asked me if that was set in stone. I said that considering what I was doing with him, I guess it wasn't. He said okay, that was all he needed. Then 3 days later, he said he needed a promise from me that I was going to leave my husband. I don't even remember what I said, but I knew I didn't want to lose him. I knew too that it was ridiculous to make that kind of promise now.
He has continued to pressure me, using a myriad of abusive tactics (though none physical) and I am just so confused as to why I put up with this, and really really thought I wanted to leave my husband and be with him forever. He would spend hours on the phone with me, devaluing me, telling me about all the other women he was going to date, telling me sexual things I had to do with him to keep him, screaming at me, swearing at me, blaming me for his abuse, and I put up with it all! Of course he told me that "if we we were together, it would be different. He wouldn't be this way - it was the situation...
He gave me an ultimatum to leave my husband by the 31st of Dec. I really thought I would. But I obviously came to realize I couldn't. So, when I didn't, he went went crazy with texts, emails, phone calls, and he even dropped out of the play we were currently in rehearsals for, sending a note to the director telling him everything. Nice.
Two days later he came back and said that he realized how he was wrong, how could I possibly get the strength and courage needed to "do what I was supposed to do" with him acting the way that he did. He promised to be committed to me no matter what, and to let me handle things on my own time.
2 weeks later, he said forget it, he was leaving. I betrayed him 12/31, and he didn't trust or love me any more, how could I do that to him? At this point, I still don't want to lose him (why?? why??) but I now have some fight in me. I told him that he never should have promised to be committed to me if that was how he felt. He thought that the 2 weeks should have been plenty of time for me to feel comfortable and "do the right thing." So I don't know, I get crazy when he tries to leave, so I said I would do it soon, and somehow it came that this coming Sunday was the deadline.
Well, this last weekend he lost it again, and said he was going back to his ex wife, that that was where God wanted him. I was furious, and called him on everything. The countless times he promised to stop the abuse, but didn't. Many, many things. Of course, you know how that went. He started saying that now I brought the monster out, and I would need to get a restraining order, because he was now crazy, and was going to come after my husband. In the meantime, he still expects me to leave him by Sunday. Since I said I would, he said he would "kill me" if I didn't. Then he said of course he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't lay a hand on me. But he would cut my head off.
So, here I am. I actually am going to go get a restraining order. I have some messages and emails that are threatening enough. And obviously, NC.
If you have read this far, thank you. I am scared, sad, and feeling really, really horrible about myself. Wish me luck!