Goodbye psycho you, and goodbye to your mind demon friends
Goodbye psycho you, and goodbye to your mind demon friends
To the evil demons in your mind and the psycho you were before them;
Holy shit, I never thought the day would come where you would fully discard me, I really thought you loved me for life, just like you claimed you would. What a sick game this is, the cruelest one by far. A reality crowbar to the head, the Silent treatment, I wish i had never met you.
Yes, I may have gained one positive thing out of all this; getting out of the boonies and back to my hometown, But this place reminds me of you every day and as much as I love it here, I hate it here because of you, and what you did to cause me so much grief in this place.
I hate you for all the times you were so cruel to me. I hate you for damaging my credibility, my reputation, my finances, my future security, my body, my health, my mind, my soul, my work and mostly my self esteem.
It amazes me how capable of the discard you were. I remember saying to you ' how is this so easy for you I don't understand?" and you kept telling me that its not easy but we couldn't go go on that way. Its sick because you made the problem about "us" when it was not me with the problem.
No matter how much i look for reasons to blame myself, like you always said i should be doing, I simply do not find any. I was so very very good to you, in soooo many ways. And its funny because whenever I ask you to tell me something i did wrong you always bring up something that didn't actually happen or something I did in direct response and rebellion to you acutely viciously abusing me. That's called Gaslighting and I knew that game.
I know that's why I wasn't worth your effort anymore because towards the ending when i started to rebel, I kept turning the blame back on you where it belonged and unmasking you. It was just too hard for you to look at yourself. I was a threat to your most repulsive fear... the reality of having to face your cruel vicious self.
Now in regards to your demons. I don't know the cause and I'm no Dr so I cant diagnose you, but nonetheless on many occasions, I can clearly see now that it was actually psychosis. Since your paranoia was totally delusional as well, I do suspect you have something schizophrenia-like. I could go on and on with all the after the fact reasons that I figured it out but it doesn't matter because like I said, I know what I saw was acute psychosis and we both know the Dr gave you anti-psychotics not to mention antidepressants as well.
I still have the letter you wrote that day with all your mixed up words and drawings and remember when you came here with the gloves on. I was so naive, I remember telling you that you were crazy, but I remember thinking that you just didn't want your fingerprints as proof that you were here. Now when i think about it, Im horrified. If you actually had schizophrenia, were the gloves on to kill me? This is a huge source of the ptsd I now have, all because of you.
I have vividly in my mind, the tape recorder you placed in my room where you claimed you have me on tape sleeping with another man. I wish I could know if it was an audio hallucination in your mind that you actually think you heard this, or if it was just a pretend game to hurt me and drive me to the point of insanity and sickness by repeatedly threatening acute abandonment for these never-ending crimes that I didn't actually commit.
What i wish is that you would tell me the truth about what you know of your sanity, but, i know you never will, and that Is one more reason i will hate you forever; for never giving me closure. I will never know why, I will never be able to chalk this up with some sort of understanding. Truth, is not part of your repertoire.
And then the woman... Did you go back to one of your x's? the xg, the x wife? Who was in your car that day, some new future victim of your minds sickness or an ow I just never knew about?
Were you, and are you stalking me or is it just bizarre co-incidences that i run into you. I keep seeing a black car with tinted windows in my neighborhood. I tested it to see if it would follow me round the block from the other street as I jogged...and it did. Is it you or just a random neighborhood perv? See, I am hyper-vigilant, I am now acutely aware of my surroundings. Am I really free of you or are you now secretly stalking me.
I feel you like a vampire in my back yard. Have I lost my mind or am I hyper-vigilantly smelling your evil near by. Do i wake up at all hrs in the night because I have sleep issues from ptsd, or is my mind hearing your car drive by while I'm asleep or sensing you outside my door.
Im afraid of you, and if you enjoy that, congratulations, but know this acute fear is what will enable me to defend myself. So be warned.
You are right about one thing, you are far beyond a narcissist. I remember your reply when i told you that you were a narcissist you said to me " no that's not it". Then you told me that its really bad ( the dx) and you don't know if the meds are going to work. You told me that you cant make any decisions right now. Ok clearly obvious you have a mental illness requiring meds but, I'll tell you what else i think. I would like to bet that if they pet scanned your head not only would you have schizophrenia, I would like to bet you have psychopathy as well.
That's right, Im calling you a schizophrenic psychopath. Although I saw what appeared to be schizophrenia or at the least psychosis, I cant even prove that it wasn't all just a sick fuck psychopathic purposeful mind game to drive me crazy. Are you trying to make me think you are psychotic or are you really psychotic? Once again, I'll never know
I did learn a valuable lesson from you.I learned that narcissists are really just stupid and benign forms of an egotistic fool and that I can easily recognize one. What you are, is holy shit evil, a whole other ballpark. You are the wolf in sheeps clothing but with teeth like a piranha and a soul from the dead.
I will hate you forever, you will always be my abuser, the psycho, the man who tortured me, kidnapped me, physically, mentally and psychologically abused me, the man who damaged me, kicked me out, left me homeless, spit on me, lied to me, abandoned me, hit me, kicked me, wounded me, injured me, accused me of vile acts, the man who ruined me, and the man I will always be traumatically afraid of.
I'm afraid of your inability to feel remorse, afraid of your sick mind, afraid of your ability to cross the line into sadism, afraid of your temper.... and yes, afraid of you killing me.
I want you to forget me, and to be gone, truly gone. I want your next victim to capture your mind so much that you are engrossed in her and you will never think of me again.
I am scared because I believe that the me you knew in early and middle stages of the relationship was the best supply you ever had and quickly you will remember that, which worries me because I need you to never come back again, to never try to recycle me. Don't call me in a year to make a fake apology, because I wont forgive you. Not now, not ever, not for eternity.
I need your discard to not be part of a game, I need you to want it to be over, really over and for you to be really gone, permanently gone.
I pray for the day when I can be free of the memory of your sadism, free from memories, free from this mess. I despise you, you are something that is inhuman.
Tonight i sleep with the broom under the door handle, as I have done every night as of late since coming to terms with your insanity. I am scared tonight. I am scared because I'm finally crawling out of the hole and seeing what you are. I am running for my life and I don't want to look back and find you there one day with your demonic eyes slicing off my flesh.
No, I cant believe you discarded me, I cant believe you could. It invalidates everything you ever said to me and validates everything I came to realize. I know now that I am an irrelevant number in a lineup line of your torture victims. I will always be on guard against you in the back of my mind, ready like a watchdog in the night, ready to protect.
The best thing that ever happened to me in this entire relationship was for you to discard me. I guess you realized that your game, although it was causing me the intended insanity, was producing too much rebellion for you to make the entertainment of destroying me worth the fun. My resilience messed with your game-plan so I was discarded.
What you didn't know is how weak I really was, and how near insanity I really was, or maybe you did. Maybe you led me to the cliff and then thought that the discard would cause me to jump at my own will. Well guess what... I hung on that cliffs edge for weeks asshole and climbed and scaled it with my nails teeth and toes to hold on, until I was able to rest safely at the ledge in complete exhaustion. I did not jump the cliff like you thought I would, and when i regained my energy, I ran and ran and ran. I still run because you are bloody crazy and perversely demonic, alive in my perceptual mind and at biting at my heals.
So, really, thank you for the discard, I spared my own life by finding my inner strength but I couldn't have done it without your death-walk to the ledge and abandonment. I can only now warn you at all costs and I say this with conviction, Stay the hell away from me and do not, ever, ever, try to cross my path again.