Finally have the courage to walk away
I have been visiting this site for the last few weeks and I have found it to be a source of tremendous support; I am so grateful that this site exists!
My ex N has been in my life for 4 years...maintained NC for 3 wks...except for responding to his xmas text (oops!)
I met him 4 yrs ago; he was interviewing me for a job(!) I found him instantly attractive and charming. He flirted w/ me during the interview and knew all the right things to say (you're so smart, you're brilliant in your line of work, etc.) I was particularly vulernable as I was new to the country at the time. We had a friendly relationship and when I was homesick and feeling down, he offered to 'take me out w/ his friends to cheer me up'. I thought it was sweet at the time but now I see it as an opportunity to prey on my vulnerability.
We started dating and initally it was amazing. I remember him saying that I would soon fall madly in love w/ him...I thought he was joking around but he wasn't. He was loving, attentive, told me he loved me w/in 2-3 wks, I was perfect, marriage material, etc. Once my head was clouded enough he began destroying every bit of confidence and self worth I had. He told me that I was fat and unless I'd lose the weight, he didn't want to be w/me; I wasn't allowed to talk to any other men (this included my housemates!) - when I did, he was furious and threw my phone across the room; he needed to know where I was at all times and w/ who; isolated me fr. my friends, called me names (whore, prick, dick, slut, stupid, fat, I hate you). Then switch back to being charming. He wouldn't have sex w/ me (I was a virgin when I met him) and when we were intimate, he rarely kissed me, rarely looked me in the eyes. I felt like I was just a body or object there for him to hump. He cheated on me...hello, Madonna whore complex!!! He also belittled my feelings when I found out my mum had breast cancer. So, when he found new supply, I was dumped and replaced. I was so low and lost...I have never been so depressed in my life.
The scary thing was that I started to believe everything he said. I believed I was worthless and that no one would ever love me. I lost 30lbs and was miserable. I really believed that I was the one w/ the problems and he was perfect.
We didn't talk for ages but then we establish some sort of relationship again. SILLY ME! He managed to convince me that he changed and really cared a/b me. So when my best friend moved away (and I was feeling vulnerable again), he entered the picture quite easily. When he needed a place to stay for a bit and I took him in, didn't charge him a penny. I cooked for him, reintroduced him to my friends (who I had to beg to give him another chance),loved him and supported him through all his 'stuff'. Again, told me he loved me, I was his best friend and the best thing in his life. We occasionally fooled around during this time but that voice in my head kept telling me that it wasn't right. He would still switch suddenly when things didn't go 'perfectly' or I misguided him in driving directions! We had a massive public argument when we missed a train and he was ranting and raving at me (again) and calling me names.
Not satisfied with me, he begins sleeping w/ another girl and gets a gf. Tells me that gf is perfect, the only girl he'd ever marry, blah, blah, blah. My heart is shattered and I basically tell him I have feelings to which he reacts dismissively and is angry w/ me for 'ruining our friedship'. So last month, I had enough. I told him I was tired of being disrespected and that I wasn't someone's throwback girl who he could use and abuse. My nanna passed away this summer and sure enough once my feelings 'got in the way' he was nowhere to be found. So I was left being the needy, sad and dependent one while he was out enjoying his time w/ his new gf. He was angry but dismissed me like I suspected he would. He has only contacted me since then on xmas day...
I know this is a safe space but part of me is very ashamed and embarassed a/b letting him back into my life, always being there for him. I was soooo madly in love w/ (the illusion of) him. I have seen him through his struggles/neediness and I'm done w/ it. What I used to think was affection and love I see as being used and manipulated. I do miss him but I know it's for the best that I have FINALLY walked away for good! :)