Goodbye Mr. N
Goodbye Mr. N
First, I want to thank you for ending things with me because I did not have the strength to end things with you.
During our last round, you validated all the traits that I knew you had, but were hoping you did not. You were still controlling, still unhappy and bitter, still all about yourself and still needing so much validation that I was drained after every encounter. You kept me at arms length, feeding me occational bread crumbs. But I'm not a bird!!
I don't hold any ill will towards you...I simply recognize now what I failed to appreciate after round 1, that you are truly disordered. No amount of love or caring or empathy will change that. And as much as you mirror the wounds from my childhood, I cannot fix that wounds with you. In fact, being with you magnified all those insecurities from my past...I was never as weak, never as scared of losing someone and never so afraid of putting myself first as I was with you.
I ask that you simply move on with your life and let me move on with mine. I have no desire to rekindle what we had..but I will use our time together to strenthen my resolve to never again be involved with someone who is unable to be an equal partner. I will put all memories of you squarely where they belong, in the past.
In 2012 I will continue to dig deep into the wounds that drew me to you and kept me unable to break free. I have already established wonderful friendships with women who have agreed to be my accountability partners and keep me 1. from going back to you but more importantly 2. from getting involved in yet another disordered relationship. Whether I end up this year in a relationship or single, I will love myself for the warm, caring and empathetic person that God made me.
As Sara Bareilles song goes: "I hate to break it to you babe, but I'm not drowning. There's no one here to save".