Movingforwardnow's Story

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#1 Jan 6 - 10AM
Movingforwardnow
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Movingforwardnow's Story

Feels good to get it out so why am I crying???

Ok. So here’s my story:

I am single mom of two great boys. Their birth father got mixed up in drugs and abused us pretty bad. He is in prison and will remain there for many, many years. This took place when my youngest was only one years old. He is now 10. I did not get into a relationship with anyone for the first 5 years after the divorce…wanted to just concentrate on me and my boys.

Four years ago I met my N. He was a dream come true. My kids fell in love with him as well and even referred to him as “dad” he was amazing with them and I loved that they finally had a “dad”. The verbal and emotional abuse started early on but my N always turned things around on me and I was always the one apologizing. I always was made to feel like it was all my fault. We got engaged and the boys and I moved into HIS house. Oh boy, this is when the trouble started: the abuse became worse and the physical abuse started. One time, I even fought back and I was the one arrested. He strangled me and I bit his hand to get him off of me. Well, since he was the one bleeding the police took me away. (And yes, I continued to stay…SICK!) This man would make me out to be the crazy one. I referred to him as my “crazy maker”. I have never acted so crazy in all my life. He pushed my buttons, he enraged me, he belittled me in private, in public, in front of my children and behind my back. He told so many lies. He is weirdo regarding sex. I participated in some of the sick sex acts because I thought I had to so he’d love me. I won’t get into all the details…but sick! He always treated me as if he was the boss. He has no understanding of the definition of partnership.

When I had enough I moved out with the boys and wouldn’t you know he treated me and them beautifully. I thought “wow, he has changed…it’s going to be great this time and he really does love me” Well we got back together but remained living apart. Oh boy was I wrong…it just got worse this time and this time I was even angrier and more hurt than before. And we broke up again. An ugly ugly break up that tore my heart out. He continued to lie about me and make me out to be the awful person and “How could I be so mean to him? He loves me and the kids” Ick! I actually tried talking to him just to end it on a better note. He ignored my attempts, called me crazy and all the other awful stuff they do. My kids do miss him but have also said they know we are better off without him.

It’s a horrible realization that he never truly loved us. We loved him. We thought he was are forever. Now I am just trying to get through one day at a time and pray the pain will go away one day. This is my story in a nut shell, didn’t want to be long winded with all the nasty details. But………

This man has abused me physically, emotionally, verbally and financially. This man has said mean awful things to me and about me. This man has belittled me, humiliated me and manipulated me. This man has controlled me, ignored my feelings, my thoughts and my opinions. As long as he felt ok and justified I did NOT matter. I have no use for him and am moving on.

May 11 - 9AM
BtrflyGrl
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Thank you for sharing your

Jan 12 - 5PM
Night Owl
Night Owl's picture

The "Crazy Maker"

My daughter still loves my ex N, she is young enough that I could hide a lot of the craziness from her. I was nodding my head in agreement reading about the "crazymaker" thing, the ex N was great at gaslighting me. I never have had so much drama in a relationship and like you was made to apologize for things that were HIS fault. I have always been the type to stand up for myself but this guy just got to me and I can't believe what I let him get away with... thank goodness he never got physically abusive but I wouldn't put it past him either.
Jan 6 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

mc, braveheart, you are crying

because you have been hurt. You are crying because you are letting it out. Crying is good. Don't be afraid of it. You are on The Path Forward now. Here are some blogs that might help you: http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/02/19/dont-be-afraid-cry http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/04/23/why-narcissist-chooses-us You are determined to get through this, I can tell by this post. I am asking you to remember your last paragraph. Copy and paste it and print it out and put it somewhere you will see it daily. It is the TRUTH that you need to focus on. mcastle, I am sorry you had to find this forum, but so glad you are here. If you read, work Lisa's Six Steps, share honestly and are willing to take a deep look inside, you will be transformed into a better, stronger, wiser and much much happier mcastle. We will help you. I am here to tell you there is a beautiful life post-disordered one. I'm at 14 months NC and couldn't be happier. I know myself better than I have in a decade and now view his brutal experience in my life as a gift. His devastating final D & D turns out to be the best thing he ever did for me, the Freak! I'm so smiling now! You will be too. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. I REFUSE TO SPIN EVER AGAIN. I REJECT ALL CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION.

spinning

Jan 6 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Movingforwardnow
Movingforwardnow's picture

Thanks!

I am so glad I found this forum as well or I probably would have kept going back for more abuse. yes, i am determined to get through this! I have no choice but to get through it or I will be dead. I appreciate all the great advice I find here...this has truly saved my life. I thank everyone here but most importantly my kids thank you becasue they get to have their mom back...slowly but surely that will get a new and improved mom. THANK YOU!