Is this guy a narc, you think? (advice for a friend needed please)

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#1 Nov 28 - 1PM
Deidre40
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Is this guy a narc, you think? (advice for a friend needed please)

I need your help. Ok. I have a friend who started a ‘friendship’ with a guy. No dating, they have established a friendship. So, she’s telling me about this, and says that he ‘seems’ to want to take things to the next level. She says he texts and emails her throughout the day a lot. She texts back. They have talked sexually with each other. She says she is interested in him. She said that he won’t come out and ‘ask her out,’ but he gets jealous when she says she’s going out to dinner with a guy, etc. He continues to call it a friendship. She said he’ll come on very strong…say the nicest things…complimenting her…then, she’ll reply…and poof…he’s gone for hours. Then, she’ll text him asking what’s up…and he won’t reply. For hours. Then, he replies with he was busy, or was not feeling well, etc. She said I am tired of him coming on strong, and then I reply…and then he vanishes.
Today…she sent him an email saying they should just go their separate ways. His mixed messages are too confusing. He IMMEDIATELY writes her back, she tells me. Saying how he can’t believe she would do this…how his birthday is coming up, he thought she cared about him, how he shouldn’t have let his guard down with her, etc…
She replied to him…stating why she feels the way she does. He replies that he wants the ‘friendship,’ to not go away, etc…and that he wants their friendship to be carefree like it once was. Then, he proceeds to tell her about his work day…and what he had for lunch. Lol He said he was sorry for not replying right away…that he is either busy, or sleeping when he does that, and she shouldn’t think the worst.

Ok. She tells me all this and I’m like…narcissistic tendencies all over this one. She hasn’t replied to his last messages …she said to me…would it be rude to just stop replying?

What would you tell her? Thought I’d run this by all of you.

Nov 30 - 7AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Thanks for the feedback all.

Thanks for the feedback all. I actually told my friend about this site…she doesn’t know what to make of him. I don’t think she cares ‘what he is,’ but that he would lead her along…she said…suppose I had slept with him? Yeah, that woulda been a bad thing, I said. In this whole thing with her, what occurred to me, was what would my advice have been had I not discovered this site, and went through my own ordeal with not just one, but two narcs…the first narc of last summer, led me here, for those who might remember that. I just wonder what advice I would have given her…I would never have told her to not reply, because that was never something that occurred to me on my own. NC is something I learned through you all. Thank God! Seriously. Anyways, this was an interesting thing that happened, and I just hope she stays away from the guy. I think she will. She told me she doesn’t want to have anything to do with a married guy. She said she would feel strange hanging out with him, now. Even as just friends.
Nov 30 - 1AM
JRB123
JRB123's picture

Get out early

Hi - I know people have to sometimes find out things for themselves the hard way but I would advise your friend to get out NOW before she gets deeply emotionally involved. I have had 2 narc experiences - and this sounds very similar to my second experience. Not only was he married but he was and still is playing the same games with countless other women. He goes online and pretends to be a great friend but really it's about control and sexual motives and doesn't want a real relationship. My theory is that this guy is doing the same - playing her and keeping her as the fallback girl for supply but is quite clearly not prepared to put the effort in to a real relationship. It took me over a year to get over my experience as I became quite emotionally involved (despite it only being online relationship). Now I am over it I can see the clear manipulation that happened to me and I can see it happening to your friend. The longer it goes on the harder it will be for her to get over it, she needs to end it as soon as possible.
Nov 30 - 7AM (Reply to #44)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

aw i'm sorry this happened to

aw i'm sorry this happened to you. :=( I think what I have learned about friendships…in general, is that, if you can’t see, touch, feel the person on a daily/weekly/monthly basis…whatever. Then, how good of a friend could this ever really be? The internet is an awesome tool, but can lead to a lot of destruction. It creates a fantasy of who someone is…that person who is trying to fool others, can be anyone he/she wishes…and if someone is vulnerable on the other end of the computer, then his/her plan works perfectly. I think that facebook too is bad in the sense that it shows the world only the good in someone’s life…so, if you have an ex who’s living his/her life through pictures and words on a screen…he/she can flower that up any way he/she chooses. I have read from some of you all the stories of how your ex’s use facebook as a tool to hurt you. I am not a fan of dating website, as well, for this reason. Too much room to lie. The person could even post a pic of him/herself from ten years ago, and the people viewing it are none the wiser. The internet is great, for many things, but it can’t replace live person to person contact. And it shouldn’t.
Nov 29 - 10PM
Gravity
Gravity's picture

Deidre40

Not surprised to hear that he's married at all. It's obvious that he's keeping her on a string until he ends things with his wife/decides he wants to take things further. Either way it's scummy to all parties involved. He has been untruthful and he is not worth her time! The fact that he needs to secure supply with one woman before leaving another is a glaring red flag that he is probably a narcissist!
Nov 29 - 10PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

He's married!

Well...my friend and I talked tonite. He admitted to her that he's married, and 'just roommates'' with his wife, until they get divorced...and the market lets up to sell their house. He told my friend there's no sex going on, etc. Ohhhh...I don't know. I mean, maybe I believe this story of his...but, she said a lot of things make sense to her now. She told him to stop contacting her. She will not be involved with a married man. He apologized to her she said. He still wants to be friends with her! lmao! Anyways. Let's pray she doesn't contact him anymore. I did tell her that this whole thing set me back a little with my own situation. not that I remotely missed the ex narc. NO. But, it took me back to the games he played often. Anyways...that's the ending to the story. I told her if she continues to contact this guy...I don't really want to hear about it anymore. At this point, she's on her own. lol Thanks for chiming in everyone. It is interesting to me how her story was so vastly different than mine, but still a narc is a narc...and the end result is the same. Deception. Games. Mind fucking. Just wanted to fill you all in...thanks!!
Nov 29 - 10PM (Reply to #41)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The L Word...

As in LOSER! A guy who says he's still roommates with his soon to be ex-wife, what a bunch of bunk! He "still wants to be friends." Let's hope your friend stays NC. He's not worth her time. I probably would've done a number on his ego (after raising it up very very high, higher than Everest)... give some narcissistic injuries... then go NC. That would teach a married man some necessary lessons for living. The main thing-he wasn't being honest with her, he wasn't being honest to his commitment- so he deserves NC.
Nov 29 - 5PM
really
really's picture

Well, a lot has been said

Well, a lot has been said already. I just had to chime in with one thing as this guy sounds very similar to the N that dragged me along for so many years. Maybe he lives in his parents' basement and has other women. Mine, however, did not. He took a more passive role, like this guy. He actually was passive-aggressive in most everything he did. It allowed him to avoid rejection. He used it to test me, to see if I'd step up, to see if I'd continue to contact him, to see if I'd invite him out, etc. He'd throw out enough complimentary "crumbs" that I would continue, just like your friend has. It was after that that he came on strong and the idealization started. And the rest is history... I agree that you have to be really careful and limit your contact with the situation going forward. I merely wanted to point out that there are those Ns that are more high-functioning, more devious in their ways, and these can be some of the most insidious. I heard it once referred to on here as "casting out his web" to see who he could catch. It's a lot easier for them than putting themselves out there to see who responds. Just my .02.
Nov 29 - 12PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

empath and hunter...sigh, i

empath and hunter...sigh, i hear you. she got out of a bad relationship not too long ago, maybe her esteem is down. doesn't seem that way, though. i think he was kind to her in the beginning. they'd have lunch or dinner...she would sing his praises, but they were just pals. i don't know. i can't judge, because i once had low esteem, and tolerated all kinds of nonsense from narcs. So...she texted me. HE TEXTED HER...asking if there is anything he can do to change her mind? I told her to not reply anymore. He HAS to get the hint eventually. I am down, everybody. Hearing all this with her, it just sent me back in time to the ex N and all his horrible games. :=(
Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #38)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Dee

OK enough is enough. You know he is a Narc and your friend should now be convinced too after all the time and effort you have given her from your own experience and examples of his behaviour. You have to protect yourself and impose some boundaries. As in, tell your friend that you need to bail out because it is bringing up too many memories for you. Used is right - give your friend details of this site and let her do her own research. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you know it makes sense. Take care of yourself. Dee x
Nov 29 - 2PM (Reply to #37)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

He sounds married or has

He sounds married or has someone. I had someone playing games with me too, red flag popped after a few months and bye bye, he was the worst narcisisst I've ever come across, very very cute but holy crap so much worse than my exN. Started out so nice and asking all about me and my interests, talked on the phone for hours and sounded as sweet as can be. Won't go into the details but after 1 month his true colors came out and the red flags were everywhere. Our guts are usually right and he seems all talk no action....playing manipulative games...red flag.
Nov 29 - 1PM (Reply to #36)
Used
Used's picture

deidre40

I knew you would go down....cos you are now reliving the shit you had to put up with... This is the diffrence now, you will come up again, but not if you listen to someone, who has NO INTENTION OF CALLING IT A DAY WITH HIM.... LET HER GET ON WITH IT, HER PROBLEM NOT YOURS... ALSO LET HER COME TO THE FORUM HERSELF, DON'T RUN MESSAGES FOR HER..... I GET THE FEELING THEY ARE 2 OF A KIND....DON'T GET DRAGGED IN DEIDREXX
Nov 29 - 10AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

UPDATE!

Another update. Think she gravely regrets replying yesterday. She called me this morning, to say…he sent her a ‘nice’ email this morning. She replied sort of brief to him. He replied…’’what is it going to take to get us back to how we were?’’ These exchanges seem so…dramatic to me. That’s how I know he’s a narc, now. They are always so dramatic… So…ugh. She replied. She said something brief again, but she said it was nice. He replied that he’s not looking forward to his birthday, as he’s getting ‘old.’ Meanwhile, she’s like 10 years older than him. So, that upset her, and she replied…’’wow, you must think I’m really old then.’’ He replied back …’’don’t be like that. You’re a hot woman. Women look better as they mature’’ Oh lawdie. She flipped! So, she replied…that she doesn’t want to communicate any further. She told me more, but I won’t bore you with it all. This was like an hour ago, and he hasn’t replied. She said…she’s totally done. He’s only interested in playing with her head, she said. I think she’s getting it. I honestly don’t get the motivation that anyone has to lead someone on…push them away…lead them on…push them away. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT? think he will reply? I honestly can't figure this idiot out.
Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #34)
empath
empath's picture

ok right there, i've got that idiot figured out

Deidre, I posted before about websites and books that teach manipulation and seduction techniques....in that conversation above, the guy is using them. There is something called a "negative hit" or "neg hit" that involves incorporating an insult into a compliment and...it makes a woman feel a need to prove herself to q guy to overcome the insult...here is also the "we" language he was using, to uncover her thoughts about him and to get her thinking about being with him, as a "we", daydreaming about how it would be if everything were right with him *sigh* so romantic, huh? I mentioned this earlier on in my other comments here, and now I am totally convinced of it...this guy is using either The Art of Seduction , Pandora's Box by Vin DiCarlo or one of the many other seduction guides that can be readily obtained and deployed quite effectively, even by total losers that live in their parents' basement and play World of Warcraft. Google this stuff...it's real, it's readily available and worst of all, it works. Please recognize that this guy is using "player techniques" and that your friend is susceptible to this brainwashing. She absolutely must cut contact with him...look how destbilized he has her, and now look how its affecting you. Take control of this....knowledge is power and NC is peace. You're strong, stay strong. :-)
Nov 29 - 10AM (Reply to #33)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

If she makes it about him..

If she makes it about him.. He 'll reply.. She made it about her so.. No.. It will be silence.. What is wrong with her?? This guy lives with his parents and is 10 yrs younger.. She has self esteem issues.. Big time..oh and the Birthday thing .. Who gives a shit? We all have a birthday.. Hunter
Nov 29 - 5AM
freaked
freaked's picture

sounds disordered. hope your

sounds disordered. hope your friend will take a decision to drop this hot brick.
Nov 28 - 10PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

The guy needs to grow up...

Narc or not, the guy sounds really immature..red flag!! Guys do the dance, the remaining aloof, don't blow their cool, however at some point the guy needs to express how he feels,,communicate... If he isn't ready for that,,move on. Sounds like a lot of work!!!
Nov 28 - 9PM
ValiditySeeker
ValiditySeeker's picture

PusH pull

Don't leave me! Then push. Then pull. Then push. Wait, don't go! He may or may not be a narcissist but he sure as hell isn't a grownup who can handle the basics of communication. Next.
Nov 28 - 6PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Yes. I believe he is. If

Yes. I believe he is. If not, close to one and either way, the ending won't be pretty. Mine use to do that all the time. Just disappear, without the common curtosey to let me know "hey, nice chatting with you, but I gotta run". He didn't care if he left me hanging. He knew I would be right where he left me. Tell you friend to run as if her hair is on fire!
Nov 28 - 8PM (Reply to #21)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

UPDATE ....he contacted her...she replied....

First...@ Sparrow...LOL! You are all cracking me up today. :=D UPDATE: WELL... She never replied this afternoon. He then texted her this evening. She called me and said...the message was as if nothing had ever happened. She said he was like...how are you, how was your afternoon...She said the message was basically him telling her he was going out for the night, has 'a lot of stuff to do' (wouldn't say what) and he 'hoped that she would still be friends with him.' And he called her 'darling.' She replied and told him they could still be friends. UUUUGHHHHH. I told her, why did you do this? She said, I plan to not reply much to him...I just don't want to be mean, and ignore him. AGAIN...UGGGGGHHH! I believe women are more the culprits with this than men, we really are afraid of standing our ground...and holding people accountable...WHY????!!! Ok. Why is he vague on what he is doing at night? She asked me this, and I said...he wants you guessing what he's up to...makes him look mysterious. Do you all think that's right? Anyways, she's mad at herself for replying. I don't blame her. :=( I knew she would reply. I didn't think he'd write her though, without her replying from earlier...so, not sure what to make of that aspect of it. WHAT SAY YOU, PEOPLE?
Nov 28 - 8PM (Reply to #22)
empath
empath's picture

"a lot of stuff to do"

Hhmmm, he has "a lot of stuff to do" and wouldn't say what. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 'Cause I'm thinking this means: 1) Come home from minimum wage job 2) Eat dinner with Mom and Dad 3) Retreat to basement 4) Play World of Warcraft 5) Text and email girls he can't afford to take out on a date 6) Masturbate 7) Yell back upstairs to Mom that everything is OK and you were only moaning because you had a bad headache and are feeling much better now though 8) Download John Mayer songs and study lyrics to learn more about what chicks dig 9) Respond to email regarding next Dungeons and Dragons meeting 10) Play World of Warcraft again Deidre, what part of this is your friend not getting? By responding to him this afternoon she made it painfully clear that she has nothing better to do except keep her schedule open for this loser to come and go as he likes with his icky sexual remarks and creepy behavior. There is no way for her to "save face" now, she's already made a fool of herself. She needs to cut contact and run. His patheticness makes her pathetic because she tolerates him. The only good thing about this, is she doesn't have to ever worry about having to look in the mirror and say to herself "Ugh! I actually slept with that!" because this guy will never actually meet with her in person. I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask you HOW did she meet him, to begin with? That right there will explain everything. I'm going to guess she never came right out and told you this detail, because quite likely she met him while she was playing World of Warcraft too.
Nov 28 - 9PM (Reply to #28)
anquilla
anquilla's picture

lol I like your posts. Both

lol I like your posts. Both funny and insightful. Gives me a laugh but also talks some sense into my mind.
Nov 28 - 9PM (Reply to #23)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

empath

alright. i'm literally laughing my ass off, empath! now wait a minute. what does it say about ME that i might have a friend who's playing this game? :=O oh boy. lol in all seriousness, she has met him. i didn't ask where they met initially, though. they have gone out to lunch/dinner on occasion. as 'friends,' she says. but she has never been back to his place. when she has asked to see his place, he always has an excuse as to why. oh. here's another thing she was telling me over the weekend...that she asked him why he doesn't have a gf...and he said...''it is complicated.'' i said...what does this mean? she said she probed, and he said...''when i know you longer, i'll share more.'' wtf is that? hahaha it gets wackier by the minute. empath...just out of curiousity...why do you think that is the reason he's evasive...and not...maybe he's married....or has a live in gf? I kinda wonder if that's the case, to be honest. but, your scenario is far more hilarious!!! lmao!
Nov 29 - 10AM (Reply to #27)
empath
empath's picture

deidre

I don't know why he's evasive, or if he actually even has something to be evasive about..there's no real mystery to uncover here....stick with the facts that you can see, and that is he is treating your friend like a puppet on a string, and she keeps volunteering for it. Do you think this scenario, left unchecked, gets better or gets worse? Too many red flags here. There are websites and books like "The Art of Seduction" that teach absolutely evil manipulative techniques...it would not surprise me one bit to discover that this guy has read that book. I feel such a disturbing vibe coming from this guy....Deidre you are so much closer to your friend...this is not good for her, she gets attached to people way too easily and this guy is very disturbed. He does not have any concern for her best interests at all...she is a toy to him and she absolutely must cut contact with him or she is going to continue being led away from her own common sense and will someday find herself being devastated by this jerk. Tell her to run, not walk.
Nov 28 - 9PM (Reply to #24)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

adding onto this, i think the

adding onto this, i think the problem my friend is having is this. that they hang out as friends, but he says and acts in a manner that would say they're dating. but he keeps referring to their 'friendship.' and there seems to be a push and pull dynamic. so she's confused. and i wonder if that's the motive. i don't know. my ex N was all about dating me from the get go. no mincing words with what he 'wanted,' and he definitely didn't want a friendship. so, this is an odd approach to me.
Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #26)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Let's say this scenario is a

Let's say this scenario is a learning experience for us here to use. We all know he is f'ed up. Narc or not we can't be sure, but it really doesn't matter. He is sending weird vibes and signals, and confusion and double-talk is already the standard that has been established by him. And she responds to it. The lesson is that there are two people involved here that seem to have issues around getting attention. She is ignoring obvious clues in favor of what? It seems she wants the attention. And the time she wastes with this clown is time better spent elsewhere. Since we are removed from this one emotionally it is easy to see the dynamic, and to positively know that the cure is ceasing communication. There are at least two reasons she has for continuing contact, and the one below the surface is the one that will get her hurt. We all face similar scenes when the narcs that were in our lives re-surface, we know we will get re-hurt, but we go into it again anyway. It is the issue below the surface that we must also get in touch with, just like the friend of Deidre40 must. Grow and heal, dig deep and find the source, then take that information and move forward. ds
Nov 28 - 10PM (Reply to #25)
anquilla
anquilla's picture

it sounds like he's already

it sounds like he's already got a woman. Your friend must be the secondary woman. Sounds like this ''friendship'' label is just a way to make him feel like hes not doing anything wrong, though ofcourse he sends out all the opposite signals as you say. You are right, if a man wants to be with you, he doesnt tend to hold back- unless hes got hidden baggage you dont know about.
Nov 28 - 5PM
anquilla
anquilla's picture

I get the feeling that he's

I get the feeling that he's got several girls on the merry go round. What I find disturbing is the fact that he comes on strong, get what he wants, and then simply does not reply. I've had that in my life for a while. The difference was that I was in a relationship. I later found out he was cheating on me for a long time. Also the email. Everything he says seems to be him pointing fingers at her. He takes no responsilbity for his actions. He could have said something like '' Im sorry if I dont seem as interested, but work seems to be taking a toll'' or something a rather. Instead, hes making her feel guilty. Narcs do that by the looks of it. Mine did. Still tries to. Blames everything on me. The other thing to also keep in mind, is that Narcs generally can make a girl feel VERY special in the initial phases. So if he comes on strong to ''get her back'' thats not necessarily his ''feelings'' on show, its more his ego.
Nov 28 - 5PM (Reply to #19)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

anquilla

Agree with everything you say here. Another thing that struck me odd about this guy, is that they really haven't been 'dating,' but when he would ask her what she was doing for the night, and she'd say...he would get angry if she was going with a friend for dinner. I asked her if he made her feel bad, and she would say...she could just tell he was jealous in a way. So, that would send her a message that he wanted more than friends. Then, the next day, he'd act like he barely knew her. Or they were chatting for the first time. lol I told her from the get go, something seemed off. There were good things she said about him. He didn't seem like an asshole, but just seemed like he wanted to bang her, and this was his way of keeping her interested. That's honestly my take. Because she told me he asked her if she had been 'tested for std's.' I flipped when she told me that. I said...what the eff does that have to do with a 'friendship?' She was angry he asked her that, too. Very strange. If not a narc, he's a game player, and a social misfit. lol UPDATE >> My friend texted me and said that she didn't reply all afternoon to him, and he hasn't either. That's good. :=)
Nov 28 - 1PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

ok...told her not to reply.

ok...told her not to reply. let's see what happens!! :=P
Nov 28 - 1PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

It is funny what will jump

It is funny what will jump out and hit you in the face. Of all of the strange stuff in this post, it was his saying "what about my birthday" that hit me. Is it me or is that a tell? His birthday is coming up and that is a reason she shouldn't break up with him. That seems so strange to me, it sounds narc-ish. The relationship sounds tedious and labored anyways, so who cares what he or she is...she should run away and not look back. Too much drama, too little substance! My opinion only. ds