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1.4 Years Later

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#1 Nov 15 - 9AM
tresor2
tresor2's picture

1.4 Years Later

The last time I saw N was 1.4 years ago. The last time I spoke to him on the phone was 5 months ago and I sent one text about 2 months ago. That's it. He's gone for good...he's found a perfect woman and so it is.

This is what my recovery looks like. I still think of him daily but, continue to educate myself on NPD and mental illness. The article posted yesterday on Sexualized Rage shed a lot of light on what I was dealing with. I also continue to educate myself on things that relate to my stuff.

I realize that my same issues were there before meeting him and are there now. He was simply a detour that kept me from working on myself and, made my existing wounds much worse. I was basically on an 8 year drug binge.

I'm tired of thinking about him. The fog is lifting and I'm seeing the reality of what I experienced and sometimes, I feel like a total idiot. I was a prisoner of my own mind and lived in total denial for so many years. It's almost like it was safer to stay in that place than risk breaking free so I could move forward. The fear is about creating a new life, being alone and making changes, when in fact, I was alone the entire time.

I've made so many changes, without realizing it and the pain has diminished. Weekends and holidays are the worst. I have no interest in other men and I isolate way too much but, I feel safe. I know that time is precious and I so want to embark on path that brings peace, happiness, contentment and growth. I know that will come soon...so many wounds to heal...and they are healing.

Nov 15 - 12PM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Tresor

The road (or path) less travelled is never easy and remaining in our comfort zone always appears safer. When we are healing from the trauma of being with the disordered one we have to go gently on ourselves. I too have isolated myself during the past months to allow the obsessing to diminish and ultimately fade into nothingness. I don't feel alone out of the relationship with the ex because, like you say, I was just as lonely in it. I feel nearly ready to spread my wings again but am fearful of meeting another P/N but I must not allow my fear to paralyse me or else the ex will take the rest of my life too. He has taken far too much already. Dee x
Nov 15 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

You describe it well;

"fading into nothingness." I think now, you'll know immediately if your're with another N so don't allow your fears to prevent you from meeting others. We need to learn to listen to our intuition...we have the answers. I knew from very early on that N wasn't right but, that fact kept me interested. I was actually attracted to his mental illness, even though at the time, I didn't know he was ill. All I knew was that he wasn't right which meant never a dull moment and no boredom. He was aloof and vague and that's how I go hooked. I've learned my lessons...and this will never happen again.
Nov 15 - 9AM
Used
Used's picture

tresor2

I love this insightful and very true post, I can identify where you are coming from, like you, meeting narc had stop me adressing any of my demons, and i have got to know myself very well ,i am the same person but diffrent, if you know what i mean...lol love usedxxxxx
Nov 15 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Keep doing the work.

We lost ourselves and now the journey is about discovering who we really are.
Nov 15 - 9AM
spinning
spinning's picture

tresor, this is outstanding...

...you should feel very, very good about these revelations. You are on the path to true liberation and self-knowledge. I echo these brilliant words...they are so good I'm going to copy and paste so others can read them again. This is the solid truth of it and I thank you for saying it so well: "I realize that my same issues were there before meeting him and are there now. He was simply a detour that kept me from working on myself and, made my existing wounds much worse. I was basically on an 8 year drug binge. "I'm tired of thinking about him. The fog is lifting and I'm seeing the reality of what I experienced and sometimes, I feel like a total idiot. I was a prisoner of my own mind and lived in total denial for so many years. It's almost like it was safer to stay in that place than risk breaking free so I could move forward. The fear is about creating a new life, being alone and making changes, when in fact, I was alone the entire time." There is great fear in the unknown. Facing and overcoming my fear of moving forward and really going for the kind of life and love I truly want has been the most difficult, yet most liberating thing I have ever done. Thank you for sharing this, dear tresor. I am so proud of you and happy for your progress. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT IS NO LONGER AN OPTION, AND FOR THAT I AM MOST GRATEFUL

spinning

Nov 15 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Thank you, Spinning

I'm glad that you're no longer spinning too...such an accurate description. We were totally off balance and dizzy in the N relationship. Nobody is responsible for our happiness but ourselves and I'm finally realizing that. Relationships are the cherry on top and not the cake on the bottom. I used to fear becomming an "old maid" which I correlated to being single or divorced. Society does a good job at teaching us these irrational beliefs and now I realize that emotional freedom is so much better than being manipulated, controlled and abused by our lovers.
Nov 15 - 9AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Tresor

Dear friend, take all the time you need to heal, I am almost 3 year out and saw him recently in a store by accident. thank God I finally got my' closure from the man, he looked real old and with no expression on his face,nothing when he saw me, and would not talk to me for 5 mins. as I asked him. I said you dumped me and he shot back 'you dumped me' and then said 2 times he saw my posting on the internet looking to make men friends, that is all he could say, nothing like how are you ,anything, he is in a tiny isolated, little world living the life of a hermit. You will move on and recover, it truly is a long haul, pm if you feel like it.
Nov 15 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

OnWithMyLife, I'm glad

you were finally able to get closure and were able to see him for who he is...the walking dead. Incredible how they hold on to stuff and are incapable of forgiveness and understanding. They take no accountability for themselves. I too posted on the internet for friends and I actually told him about it when I was upset about his ST. This was after he told me he did not want a relationship and that he was "single." It was also after he'd ignored me for two weeks at a time for no apparent reasons; no phone calls, no emails and no texts...he would simply vanish. I decided that putting my eggs in one basket was not in my best interest. He came running when I told him but, later, I paid the price when he inflicted a horrible D & D. The last time I saw him, he brought up this incident which occurred 8 years ago!! It was like he was telling me that this was the reason he treated me so badly for all the years. He wanted me to know he saw my posting and that he did not approve of my ethnic preferences...he kept this a secret for 8 yrs. They hold onto things forever and then use it to justify their sadistic behavior and punishments. Glad you're out and doing well. I continue to be amazed at how similar their behaviors are...regardless of who they are and where they live.