L's Story

I met my N mid-August 2009. He was not my "typical type" ... but he was charming, talkative - saying the right things, even walked me to the car at the end of the night, asked me to dinner just as friends and gave me his business card / I gave him my number. He told that he walks all the women to their cars - for safety (of course). I was reluctant to date because of past relationships but I didn't think it would hurt (little did I know!).

... sorry this is so long, and this is just an abbreviated version! ....

I didn't call him right away. I waited 4 days. I was in no hurry. Before I could call him, he called me. He couldn't believe I didn't call right away and said if he didn't get a hold of me tonight he wasn't calling again. He didn't say it rudely and I just brushed this off. We made arrangements to go out to dinner and decided to meet half way (since I lived so far away from him). I gave him a suggestion for a restaurant as he requested and said he would meet me at 7 p.m. and he would be driving a Lexus. He was a little late and ended up driving and old jeep Cherokee. I can't remember his excuse about the Lexus ... but later I would find out he was hiding the car from his soon to be ex. He didn't like my restaurant suggestion and we ended up at a nice place in the city - it was actually a better suggestion. We did have a good time at dinner and I felt "wined and dined". Little did I know he wouldn't like any of my suggestions, then use that against me later ... that I can't make any decisions. Whether if it was what's for dinner or where to go or what to buy for the house.

He bragged about his boat and his football tickets, and how his soon to be ex cheated on him and he actually took her back for a while. How she left him with all the bills, how she was so sweet and now look at her, etc., I thought that he was a "big person" for taking her back because I wouldn't have. I pushed off his complaining to - well that happens in divorces. He took me out the boat, some vacations and football games (I paid my way) - but was always as a group, rarely alone. He was tied to his phone and refused to turn it off even if we were at some event, even interrupting dinner for calls or texts. He works in sales which is a perfect job for a N and a great cover for whatever it is he is doing (which I witness him using it as a cover on several occasions). Something that still haunts me from the beginning is what he said about his ex wife... "I know this doesn't sound right, by why would she leave me?" He even told me I would be the one to ask him to marry me.

He made promises of helping me out because taking college courses at night, by cooking dinner and being accepting that I really couldn't help much around the house. Of course he would throw it in my face how I don't do anything. On only 2 occasions I needed his support because I was studying for 1 final exam and a one week cram class in computer programming - my last class to graduate. His daughter and 2 young grandkids wanted to spend the night on those 2 occasions (one time with the husband and mother in law)... he didn't ask her could you come over a different day - he just yelled at me about how the world does not revolve around and no matter what I have to do his daughter will always come first. I ended up paying for a hotel for that cram class. When I graduated he tried to take credit for being so supportive of me.

There was no emotional connection at all. I just couldn’t understand this. I should have known that the first time I went to his house and I sat on one couch and he chose to sit on the other one - that there would be problems. He tried to make it clear that Fridays he goes to happy hour and it's "his" happy hour with the boys so I can't go. I did end up going on many occasions (and it wasn't just with the boys), but he would disappear for most of the night and left me alone. He may have held my hand 3 times (for about 5 seconds each) the entire 2 1/2 years and very few people even knew we were dating or living together. The one time (early on) a female saw him kiss me in public and she said something to him, it was the last and only time he did that. He "sexually" dances with any woman he could find. Every time he went out "with the boys" he would collect new woman on his Facebook (FB) page - I would know this because the woman would basically chase him via FB. He said I was jealous and insecure for even asking him who they are. Every night he is chatting online, checking email and on FB. He would immediately get defensive and angry. He said I should trust him to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants and whenever he wants without any questions. Eventually he started keeping his FB more private ... communicating more through email and texts. On several occasions he left his FB logged on and I could see him telling girls how sexy they were and asking them out for drinks. He even told one girl he wanted to take her out for valentines dinner but couldn't because of his situation. I spent more nights than not wondering what kind of mood he would be in and if he would even speak to me at all. He has used the silent treatment on me numerous times. I would try to walk away when he is demeaning, but he always said I was so childish for doing so. One time I walked away and locked myself in a room. He must have knocked on at door for an eternity. The silent treatment for this lasted 2 weeks.

He was very pushy about me going out with my friends more, and when there were outings he would either say you can come with me if you want too or women don't go to these kinds of events - I always felt like he was talking me out of doing anything with him. Later in the relationship he told me I was too jealous and insecure to go to events with him. He criticized the way I dressed, that I'm don't dress sexy in public or at home. He said all women dress in lingerie for their man – every day. He refused to have sex with me because I wouldn't dress up for him (it wasn't about "I wouldn't" it was about ... why I would want to do this for someone that treats me this way!) He even said I should be a lesbian because I wouldn't wear heals or act more feminine. He also said I am not romantic at all. House cleaning ... WOW he felt it was women's work and would blindside me with anger about how I should clean something every day, how I don't wash his clothes, you name it, I didn’t do it right. It was a constant argument and he was the laziest man I've ever met. Before I even moved in he was complaining I wasn't cleaning his house. I worked full-time, had a 4 hour commute to work and was going to school! He said women going to work ruined the way it should be at home. We rarely slept in the same bed because of how I sleep (without a lot of noise). We fought about the tv you name it I just couldn't do anythign right. He loved using the words "always" and "never" when it comes to me. He blamed me for everything - all the thoughts I had about him (I never said out loud) being crazy he put back on me. Everything was a raging argument and of course he liked to say "you always start arguments". Luckily he never physically abused me, but I'm unsure now which is worse - physical or emotional.

Every day on FB he would post beautiful quotes and would get lots of people saying how wonderful he is. A couple of people actually called him because they needed someone to talk to and thought by his FB postings he was the one to talk too. He volunteered to help his friends in need - he told me he would drop everything to help them. But I'm the one who gets to hear him bitch about it after the fact and putting people down. He also never acknowledged my existence on FB either. It's all a big show.

Here are a few examples, then I'll end this - I could probably write for days, but I’ll “abbreviate them”.

He thought it would be funny to "lose me" in a crowd at an event we were at and watch me wonder where everyone went. I laughed and then grabbed at his shirt. When I did that he was turning and it pulled his shirt out of his pants. He went ballistic. All I couldn't think of in my mind was "what, it was just a shirt and maybe he's just drunk". He went on and on for a while. Then we went back to meet some other people. I stayed quiet not to irritate him more - but being quiet made him mad - he said I was pouting and to stop it. The next morning, he yelled at me again and wanted to be sure "I understood what I did wrong". I should have left here. I still moved in with him even with the red flags. I figured I could just move if I needed to.

He went off at me at a football game because I told a guy his cologne smelled good. Screaming to all the people that was there that he is tired of this and it’s done. He told me to have a nice life. Again I came back. He called me slut and whore in a parking lot because I pointed at some writing on a guy’s shirt – because he tought I touched him. In one of his drunken stupors he told me I should be afraid for my life. In Nashville in front of everyone he grabbed my arm pulled me aside to berate me … that story is too long to explain.

I know this was stupid of me, but in this state of mind you become vulnerable. At a Halloween party this year a person I knew a long time ago gave attention that I really needed. He kissed me and someone there told my N (we were offically not a couple since August). His words to me were “I’d hate to think you are whore, so I’ll assume you are dating him”. He also said I hurt him by not inviting him to this party in the first place.

Just last week he said to me “I thought you are getting better” and he repeated it tonight. This is just appalling to me. Telling me we are getting along better now - of course we are, I say nothing. Tonight he drew me into a “debate” about our relationship that didn’t end any different than in the past. He swears I think I’m perfect and basically I’ve made all these stories up. He actually lied to my face in this "conversation" - I have an email he wrote and I basically repeated and he again said I'm making it up. He also says that all his friends think I am crazy. He also had the nerve to say I hurt him and why couldn’t we talk about me moving first! He knew I’ve been looking since June. He went to the firing range after confronting me about my so called boyfriend – then posted on FB he went to the gym and firing range to release pent up aggression. That is scary to me.

My current path to recovery: #1 Get out of here! I thought I was a strong person, but this past February it all snuck up on me. Holding in feelings – basically shutting down was taking its toll on me. It has taken a long time to get where I am now. I am moving in 2 weeks and he is sulking and trying to guilt me to stay. Things like this story are what keep me from going back. I know I have a way to go, but I'm headed in the right direction.