smnp's story

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#1 Nov 8 - 6PM
smnp
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smnp's story

Please I need support:

My divorce was final last December. My ex-husband isn’t a bad person: we just don’t belong together. We actually remain friends, and have a nice relationship. Our child was born extremely prematurely (weighing only 1 ½ pounds at birth), and was very ill for a long time. There are still lingering medical issues that we deal with, but she is improving. Our marriage, unfortunately, was not able to withstand the pressure of the situation. Friends encouraged me to date, after my divorce. My therapist encouraged me to date. I signed up for an online dating site for single parents. I did it just to get everyone off my back. I thought I would never love again.

Until just before Christmas, when I met G.

We exchanged emails for a while, and then started talking on the phone. We spoke for HOURS AT A TIME those first few weeks. He was smart, funny, successful, well traveled, and kind. His child was 2 weeks older than mine, so we had that in common too. Our first date was in the middle of last winter’s blizzard- we had breakfast. We sat & talked for hours, and closed the place down (they only serve breakfast). He walked me to my car, hugged me, and told me he would love to see me again. A half hour later, he called just to tell me how much fun he’d had that morning, and that he sincerely wanted me to know how special he thought I was. Looking back, he had me then. Hook, line, and sinker.

The beginning of our relationship was amazing. I was exhausted all the time because we would talk until early morning hours. He would call at 2am and tell me he couldn’t sleep. He described his exwife as manipulative. He was fighting for custody of his child, and the stress was overwhelming. But he said he felt so comfortable talking to me. He felt he could tell me anything. Because he had shared so much, I trusted him very early on. I was very up front about why my marriage had failed, the stress of my child’s medical situation, my feelings about starting a new relationship, etc. I handed him everything he wanted, all the deeply personal parts of myself (that he would later use against me) on a silver platter.

Last winter was a bear, weather wise. He began canceling dates- there was snow, there was ice, daycare was closed, he had to work late, he had a flat tire. We saw each other only once a week, sometimes only every 2 weeks. We talked and texted every day. He called me “Gorgeous”. He texted “just to bring a smile”. Our dates were wonderful- dinners out, movies in, etc. I never thought I would be able to be intimate with anyone again, after having been with my ex-husband for 10 years. But our physical connection was amazing- I felt like I never had before. I liked this new, sensual side of myself. I liked feeling sexy and knowing how much he wanted me.

But so many cancelations, so many excuses.

In February, I met him for lunch and told him that I worried that he didn’t have time for a relationship. I told him that I liked him very much, thought we had an amazing connection, but that the worst thing for me would be to develop real feelings for him if he could not reciprocate. He “yes’d” me to death, and talked about how stressful his life was with work and the divorce and starting over. He said that he wanted me in his life, and cared very deeply for me.

He was the first to say “I love you”. We were talking late one night and we were both practically falling asleep. As we were hanging up the phone, he whispered, “I love you, S.” I was immediately wide awake. I didn’t say anything about it, because I worried that he said it accidentally, before he was ready. I worried that he said it in his sleep, and maybe would be embarrassed that he said it only a couple of months into our relationship.
By spring, I was spending nights at his apartment. He was asking to meet my daughter, and wanted our children to meet. I was very hesitant. I had decided before even meeting him that I would not introduce my daughter to anyone until I knew it was permanent. He asked again and again. I said no.

He was still canceling all the time. And I tried to stand up for myself. But when someone uses the excuse that he has to pick up his child, or is working overtime because he can’t afford child support, what are you supposed to say? I couldn’t argue, I couldn’t get mad, could I? And any time I even MILDLY mentioned that it bothered me, the abuse would start. Let me be very clear, he never laid a hand on me. But he would emotionally cut me off. He would ignore calls and texts for days. By the time he got around to contacting me, I was so frantic that I blamed myself. I was the one with the trust issues, and he had given me no reason NOT to believe him. It was MY fault: “Oh, G. I love you. I’m so sorry that I’m being unreasonable. I’ll try harder.”

At the end of March, I received an email from a woman that I didn’t know (via FB). She said that she had dated G until January, and that he had been unfaithful to her. She encouraged me to get testing. I called him in a panic, and he explained it away. She was someone he had been seeing causally before he met me, and when she found out that he was with me, got jealous and was trying to upset me. It was painful, but I believed him. I then got an email from ANOTHER woman, claiming that she had dated him until the week prior to her contacting me. I again confronted him, and he explained it away. He convinced me that I was above the childish games. He was never able to explain how they knew who I was… He had plenty of explanations for everything, but never that. He loved ME, wanted to be with ME, talked about marrying ME. I loved him. I was so in love with him. He met my parents. He met my daughter, briefly, once. We began to talk about introducing the children. I even told my ex-husband about him- it seemed like the most respectful thing to do, especially since things were so serious.

He did not exhibit the overt selfishness that I have read is typical for a Narcissist. He always asked about me, about my day, about my daughter and her health. He never belittled me. He rarely got angry with me. The things he did were more about inconsistency. What he said and what he did never matched up. His excuses were thin. His actions were suspect. I always felt uneasy, like I might scare him away if I said how upset I really was. Does that make sense?

In the summer, everything began to fall apart. He stood me up at my own birthday party. Just didn’t show up. I was mortified, so hurt, so confused. He wouldn’t return calls or texts for WEEKS. I remember SOBBING on his voicemail, begging him to call me. I was so afraid something had happened to him or that he had become so depressed by the divorce/custody battle over his daughter that he had hurt himself. I called him one afternoon and said that if he didn’t contact me, I would track down his parents or sister to make sure he was alright. He texted me that day and said that he was “lost” and “in a dark place”. He never apologized for not showing up to my birthday party.

I can’t remember how we got back together after that. I think I called him, in a moment of weakness. I must have said how much I missed him and hoped he was ok. He told me over and over how much he loved me, that he was scared of the intensity of his feelings for me. He “shut down”, he said, because he loved me so deeply and he was afraid he couldn’t be everything I needed. I remember telling him one night that he deserved someone like me. I remember trying to convince him that he was a good person. He would cry, he would tell me how stressed he was, and I would just hold him, stroke his hair, and promise him that he was the most amazing man I had ever known. Because, to me, he was. I thought he was the “reason” I had gone through all the heartache with my daughter’s medical problems and my divorce—that I had to go through all of that to find my soulmate in G.

He still canceled all the time. He still didn’t call when he said he would. He still cut me off emotionally. I thought he was, at worst, a depressed workaholic dad going through a horrific divorce with a manipulative witch of a woman. I supported him. I was so good to this man. I thought that, if I just loved him enough, if I just loved him fiercely, we could come out on the other side and be together.

In late July, some woman posted love song lyrics on his FB wall. She was “just a friend” from HS, he said. He had studied abroad, and she was just a friend from his time in South America. I flipped out. He said that it was lost in translation, that since she was not a native English speaker, it didn’t mean the same as what I was reading. I was so angry and upset. I was tempted to contact her, but didn’t want to “lower myself” to the level of the women that had emailed me in the spring.

In mid-August, I saw him for the last time. He came to my home, I made dinner, and we split a bottle of wine. He said he had a “quick business call” to make to South America. Not anything different than usual, he was always working. He sat on my couch, rubbing my feet, speaking Portuguese. Of course I had no idea that he was calling his “friend”. That she was actually at his apartment, waiting for him to come home from work. We made love that night. It felt so emotionally intense. I had not felt that way before- it really was as if we were intertwined. We lay in my bed afterwards, and he was playing with my hair. I started to cry, and told him that I couldn’t handle him cutting me off anymore. I was still so hurt about my birthday. He looked me in the eyes and told me that he loved me, that I was the only one he was with since January, that he wanted to marry me. He said “I will never leave you again. Ever.” He texted me when he got home that night, thanked me for a wonderful night, told me he loved me.

That was the last I heard from him.

I called. I sobbed. I begged. I texted. I yelled. I pleaded. For 2 solid weeks. One night, I was in the emergency room with my daughter- I was so scared. I called and begged him, told him I needed him, please call me, pleasepleaseplease. He ignored me. Then I decided not to humiliate myself anymore. I stopped calling- I went “no contact”. And about a week later, he texted me as if nothing had happened. I said we needed to talk. He evaded the questions that I had, he was being very strange. I don’t know what made me do it, but I searched for that woman on FB. Her profile was wide open- and was listed as “in a relationship” with G. She had pictures of the two of them for those weeks before. There were pictures of them together from the night I called him from the emergency room.

Again, I don’t know what made me do it, but I called the woman that emailed me in the spring (she had given me her # in the email in March). She told me that I was one of SEVEN women with whom he had been intimate. At the same time. SEVEN. She told me that he used Viagra (there were a couple of occasions that he was not able to perform, and I of course thought it was because I wasn’t attractive to him anymore). She was in a new relationship, and wanted nothing to do with him. She felt like she wanted to protect me from what she had been through, and only wanted to save me the heartache. She had answers to every question I asked. She was patient, kind, and genuinely cared that I was in a world of pain. She told me that the rest of the women found out about me when one of them found a love letter I sent him IN THE TRASH. My name and address were on the envelope. She, and the other women, read the letter. They read my intimate thoughts that I had intended to share with only him. That part was probably one of the most painful things. He threw me away. It was a letter telling him all the things I loved about him, how much he had changed my life, how very deeply I loved him. In the letter, I asked him for time. I just wanted time with him and I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t willing to make more of an effort if he loved me the way he said he did. And he threw it away.

To say that I was devastated is an understatement.

He had the nerve to text me and ask “What’s wrong?” when I called and said we needed to talk immediately. I was BLIND with anger. I texted him a screen shot picture of that South American woman’s FB, listing them “in a relationship”. He stopped texting. I emailed him the next day- an angry rant telling him EXACTLY what I thought of him. I told him never to contact me again.

I made it five weeks with no contact. I struggled every day not to call him or text him. There were nights that I wanted to end it all, to take all my sleeping pills at once, just to make the pain stop. (I would never leave my daughter. I am NOT suicidal. The thoughts were there, they were scary, but I never would have gone through with it.) I prayed to The Universe, I begged God, to send G back to me. I cried all night and most of every day. I was a walking zombie.

On October 19th, he texted me at midnight, saying we needed to talk. I was strong enough not to initiate contact, but I was NOT strong enough to resist when he reached out to me. We talked on the phone for more than 4 hours. He loved me, he missed me, he couldn’t go one more day without telling me so. He knew he messed up, he needed to find a way to make it up to me. He cried. He let me yell, he said he deserved it. He categorically denied cheating on me. He said that he had not been with ANYONE but me since meeting me last January. He said that he was not with that South American woman. I told him I needed proof. I asked him to talk to her, to ask her to call me or email me with the truth. If she was such a good friend, wouldn’t she want to help him? If he told her he loved me, wouldn’t she want us to be together? He promised he would. He told me how special I was. He told me how much he wanted me- that his body missed me almost as much as his heart. I am ashamed to admit that I had phone sex with him that night. I missed him so very much, he was saying all the things I needed to hear. I had begged God to send him back to me, and wasn’t that what happened? I had missed him, and I couldn’t resist him. I had been so lonely and sad. And, honestly, I had missed the physical intimacy as well.

I didn’t hear from him until 3 days later. I called him that morning and just said I was confused about what had happened. He said that he couldn’t talk just then, but would call me when he finally got his child to bed that night. He didn’t call. I called again the next day, and said again that I was hurt and couldn’t understand what he wanted from me. If we weren’t going to talk, that was fine, but why come back for me after 5 weeks, say everything that he did for FOUR HOURS on the phone, have phone sex, and then dump me like trash again?
He again ignored me.

That night, I took matters into my own hands. I messaged the South American woman. I was not mean, I was not accusatory. I simply asked for the truth. Begged, really. I begged her to tell me the truth. I told her everything that happened and everything that he said to me the night he called. I heard nothing for an entire week. Then, just last week, I got an email from him. “Dear S,” it said, “I appreciate A’s forwarding me your email to me. I would like to wish you nothing but the best going forward, but I ask that you leave both her and I alone. Thank you. G.” My heart dropped. An hour later, SHE emailed me. She said that they had been in each other’s lives on and off for 20 years. That she was with him, and would be with him. That she knew him in a way that no one else did. She said that she knew of his indiscretions, but that all human beings make mistakes. She had the nerve to tell me that “only true love can forgive, and I have forgiven him”. She said that she lived here in the states for 5 months this year. I was with him for nine- so it was more than half of our relationship. She said that she was pregnant with his child, and had miscarried at 8wks recently. She was so condescending—she told me that I was so pretty, and she just KNEW that life had good things in store for me. She said I should hold my head up and smile. She said that she could not apologize for what he did, she knew it was wrong, but that she forgave him. She said that if he treated me so badly, that I should just forget him, and leave them both alone. They are now listed as “engaged” on FB.

I have not stopped crying for eight days. I am a wreck.
Why didn’t he pick me? Why wasn’t I enough? If he was going to settle down, then why isn’t it with me? How could he? HOW COULD HE? How could he still be with me, make love to me, promise me everything? And all the while she was pregnant with his baby? Why wasn’t I enough? Why isn’t he emailing HER, wishing her well and asking her to leave me alone? How could he call me, say all those things for FOUR HOURS and then 10 days later be ENGAGED to someone else? What’s so great about her?

I am a good person. I am kind. I am smart—I have a Master’s degree from an Ivy League University. I have a successful career that I love. I am a phenomenal mother to my child. I am funny. I am thoughtful. I am sincere. I am honest. I am sweet. I am GOOD. I am GOOD. I am GOOD. Why wasn’t that enough?

I talk to him all the time, in my head: My love, My G, Pick me. Love me. Want me. Give me everything you promised me. Why did you leave me? Why did you hurt me? How could you be so cruel? All I did was love you. All I did was care for you. How could you lie about everything? Everything was a lie. Every moment. Every kiss. Every time you pushed my hair away from my eyes. Every inside joke. LIES. LIES. LIES. Why couldn’t you have picked me? Is it because I’m not pretty? Is it because I wasn’t sexually satisfying? Is it because I’m not everything you told me I was?

I feel stupid and used and cheap and worthless. I am unloveable. No one understands. No one gets it. They just say I deserve better and shouldn’t want to be with him. It’s so easy for someone else to say. And I understand how much my friends love me, and how much it must hurt them to see me this way. I understand that they just want me to move on and be happy again. It’s so easy to say “just get over it”. I am not exaggerating when I say: I have watched my child come a breath away from death. I have watched a marriage of almost a decade fall apart. But neither of those things is as painful as this.

I love him. I miss him. Despite everything. Which makes me crazy. Or a masochist. Or both. I just want to stop hurting. I can’t stop crying. Just when I think I can get it together- it hits me all over again. He is going to marry HER. She is going to buy a white dress. They will dance together. He will tell her he loves her in front of all their family and friends. THAT SHOULD BE ME. The pain is unreal. When does it stop? Day 8 of NO CONTACT. It might as well be Day 1 tonight. I feel like it will never stop hurting. I am forever changed. I am different. I will never be the same.

Nov 13 - 8AM
gingercat
gingercat's picture

Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your story. It is hard to revisit the pain when reading it and please know in your heart that we all understand and you must recognize that you will survive this situation. My N kept many of his acquaintances on a string, as did yours. When confronted with pictures or love notes, etc., he would deny so perfectly and I wanted to believe so wholeheartedly that I refused to admit how sick the whole experience was becoming. Here is something to give you pause: I ended up sticking it out with the N and allowed myself untold emotional indignities to become his door mat. The other woman (the one I contacted of many) was also condescending and he always appeared to be one minute away from running to her side. I was tortured for years by her presence, the possibility he would be with her, the letters and notes she wrote him (and he kept), etc. I became obsessed with all of it. Well....guess what? As the years went by I continued to do everything in my power to please him so he would not leave. He left all the time, both emotionally and physically, but I assumed it was my fault. The woman I was obsessed with (I even tried to look more like her) ends up with cancer and dies. It was sooo strange at the time and now looking back I realize how he had used her to keep controlling me and that she was just of a different type. Married, bored and sort of like your South American counterpart. She was in it with him on a totally different level than I had been. I think that is why he was attracted to her. She was safer emotionally for the bastard as she was married and when I looked back I realized all of his female friends were usually safe emotional bets for him. I was just the one who stuck like glue perhaps because of my own issues or vulnerabilities. (Remember, he targeted you at a very difficult time in your life with your daughter). For a few years I was convinced I had won and we were to be a happy family (we had one child together) until his personality disorder could no longer be swept away, ignored, excused, etc. You see, they are psychopaths. You are a victim and were singled out because you were the innocent girl who trusted she was safe but had actually walked down a dangerous street littered with victims. They are just one degree of separation away from the inmates behind the prison glass. We call them mortar board psychopaths because they are suave, educated, sophisticated and outwardly better than normal.....Mine was Ivy League and a JD... Under the surface his resume was full of holes, his life full of trainwrecks, his personality completely disordered and I wasted 15 years thinking it was me or that I could fix it. They manipulate you to think it is your fault. I had the opportunity to re-visit a place where we had worked together early in our relationship last week. I have been trying to rebuild a semblance of a life now that I have been financially destroyed and removed our son from him for the past year. I stopped into the restroom of the building and was overwhelmed with PTSD because the mirrors were the ones I used to always look in when we were together to see if I was pretty enough to be with him. OMG! I actually did that! I was a high school cheerleader, homecoming queen, college grad with 22 years of successful marriage and two beautiful older children when I was targeted by the N. Now I am older, much wiser and still have a couple of family members that speak to me since he was not able to destroy all of my ties. You will survive this and move on. You can not see it now but you are lucky to be free and have this forum to guide you. Once you get some perspective from extended time with No Contact you will see clearly again. HUGS and HUGS.
Nov 13 - 5PM (Reply to #24)
smnp
smnp's picture

No, Thank YOU

Gingercat, Thank you for this. THANK YOU. I know you understand. THANK YOU. I really needed this today. S
Nov 11 - 2AM
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

You did nothing to deserve

You did nothing to deserve this treatment -- you simply had the horrible bad luck of falling into the trap of a psychopath. Read everything you can on the subject and eventually the fog WILL clear when you realize that your true love and soul mate was nothing but a calculated illusion designed to hook you. I am so sorry -- I know how immense your pain is. We all do. I can tell you with certainty that we all recognize ourselves in your story, however different our circumstances. Stay here and lean on us. We will help you get through this. You WILL get through this and heal, please know that in your heart. Here's a critically important article for you to read and re-read as many times as you need to until the truth fully sinks in: http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-relationship-cycle-idealize-devalue-and-discard/ Please be good to yourself and know that you are most definitely not alone. Hugs, D.
Nov 10 - 9AM
smnp
smnp's picture

Doing everything I can

I assure you, new friends, I am doing all I can to help myself. I've made a plan: 1) Continue therapy once weekly (or more if needbe). I've been going since my marriage was ending and just stayed the course through this whole thing. Talk to my therapist about medication. I tried some about a year ago, but wasn't hot on the side effects. Maybe it's time to try something different. 2) Be kind to myself. Because HE certainly isn't. 3) Do ONE project a day-- today was put away the mountain of folded laundry. Feeling organized makes me feel more in control. 4) Sleep when I need to sleep. 5) Make my sweet girl smile every day. She is my joy in all of this. I'm picking her up at preschool in an hour and then I'm taking her out to lunch. Because it will make her giggle. It's better than Prozac. :) 6) Come here, read your "pep talks" and your stories, and understand that I am not alone. 7) Maintain NO CONTACT. Day 10. Double digits. Not bad. 8) Limit emotional eating. Recognizing that sometimes I'm eating just to fill the emptiness. It works for a few minutes but then I feel worse about myself. I have gained 15 pounds in 3 months. I WILL NOT LET HIM MAKE ME FEEL UGLY ANYMORE. I do not feel badly for this OW in South America. Call me callous, but I just don't. I agree with the comment below that she is probably just as sick and disordered as HE is. I have so many questions for all of you. Will likely post them in the Steps 1-3 forum. Thank you, all of you. You don't even KNOW me, but you want to help. That's amazing and I am thankful. S
Nov 10 - 2PM (Reply to #21)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You can do it.. If I can you

You can do it.. If I can you can too.. Hunter
Nov 9 - 8PM
smnp
smnp's picture

Thank you

Thanks one and all for your kindness, solidarity, sympathy, and understanding. I have read and re-read your comments. I will read them 1000 times until it sinks in... I am just so tired. I am exhausted. This whole thing, even recounting my story here, is draining. I feel so empty. Of course I don't want to be with a man that lies and isn't who he pretends to be. I want safety and security and who I thought he was. I get it. I get that I am lucky to be out and that I am not HER. My head understands. My heart does not. I am just so so tired. Thank you again. I have much more to say and many many questions to ask. Im just too tired to do the work right now. Ive never been so tired in my life. For now, I have almost made it through Day 9 of NC. Day 9. Day 9. No contact. No lies. No manipulation. No more. Day 9.
Nov 9 - 9PM (Reply to #19)
Kukla
Kukla's picture

smnp

I was tired and extremely worn out from my ordeal. It almost cost me my prescious job! One that I worked so damn hard to get. And the thought of losing that to some assclown that turned on me like a switch and married someone else within days really snapped me back into shape. You really do need to try to get back to square one and put the focus back on YOU. Do whatever you need to, but that should be your number one priority. Congrats on making in to Day 9 on NC. I know how difficult things are for you. I thought about you all day long today as A LOT of your story was so similar to mine. Please know we are ALL thinking of you and want you to get well. In my darkest, saddest moments when all seems to just come tumbling down and I am crying non-stop, what makes that stop is the realization that my EXN is NOT crying about me. Seriously....he's not..nor was he ever. Yours isn't either. It was all smokes and mirrors and a game played out for one purpose only. Control. His. So hang in there and try to regroup and put the focus back on you. You have SO MUCH GOING FOR YOU!!!! I know you can!!! xx
Nov 9 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Smnp

You must start at the beginning to get to the end!! You sound like you are suffering from depression... Please get to your doctor .. My guess is you need antidepressants ..you must use every tool available to get through this! Hunter
Nov 9 - 2PM
nancyh
nancyh's picture

Dear snmp, My heart is

Dear snmp, My heart is breaking for you . . . I am sorry that circumstances have led you here but please know that it is the right place for you. We all have similar experiences and it is through the support offered from this forum that you will begin to have clarity, doses of reality and unconditional support. Yes, the pain is unreal—like none other you have felt and the way out of the pain is like the journey you took to obtain your degree from an ivy league university—it requires hard work, constant studying (about personality disorders) and listening to the teachings from others on this forum. It is hard work. I know your rational mind is telling you that you do not want to be in a relationship with a man that will never change. He will continue to lie and cheat on you as he has done to many others; but at the same time you feel like your heart is broken into a million pieces over your “loss” and your love him. It will get easier. I promise. -Stay close to this forum. -Do not contact him or respond to him when he contacts you. -Do not look at his FB or her FB – it will only cause you pain. -Consider seeing a therapist—it will help. -Keep your daughter at the forefront of your mind Nan

Nan

Nov 9 - 1PM
Bitter-sweet
Bitter-sweet's picture

Dear smnp- I rarely post now

Dear smnp- I rarely post now as I am 2 years NC. I really only visit the site when he comes into my mind again (which is very rarely now, thankfully). Your story is so heart wrenching and your emotions are so raw. I know how you are feeling ( and so do many of us here). Ns have a way of seizing hold of us and embedding themselves in our minds. They are like no other men. But as I read your story, I see the terrible situation that other woman is in- thinking that she has a a 'power' over him and that, despite all his indiscretions, he will always return to her. Who would really want that? How much value does she place upon herself- physically and emotionally? I'm sorry for the metaphor but she is little more than a comfortable pair of slippers that he puts on when there are no louboutins around. She is desperate - she knows how precarious her life with him is. Being engaged means nothing to an N. My N was married- much of his sense of power came from cheating on his wife. To Ns women are a game. I am so angry to see how this man plays women. My N was the same type. But beneath your sadness is anger and disbelief too- you deserve so much more. NC will be your salvation. You must lock him out of your life now. I also felt I would never be the same again. Ns open your eyes to things you would rather not see but once our eyes are opened we can't go back... Stay close to the board- each day you will gain strength. This man is not authentic- you are. There is pain to go through but you will be stronger. Perhaps we have to experience 'fake love' to. one day, recognise the real thing. Life has so much more for you, and your daughter, than this... Think forward- what if this was your daughter in 20 years time. You know what you would feel for her. xx
Nov 9 - 8AM
Winter
Winter's picture

Dear smnp

I simply miss words to describe how much I am sorry for you and how much I feel your pain. What you went through is incredibly painful. You cannot see and understand it right now, I am not asking you. The only thing I beg you is just to trust and to believe me and other people on this forum: you are so lucky he is with her and not with you. So lucky! Brr... what a horror would be to engage with such an evil, such a heartless ugly soul! And having your child involved in this nightmare. You will understand it later and will be forever grateful to your lucky star which protected you from him! Not now. Now, it is too early. Later. Sweatheart, I know that now your emotions and your pain make you blind and you don't see at clear, but... She was waiting for him pregnant in his appartment while he came to your place, made love to you and denied her existence as his lover. Honey, I honestly do not envie this poor woman. I feel pain for her. It is not like in the fairy tale: "and they lived happy ever after..." He bought her a white dress, they danse, and so on... Apparently this poor woman is stuck with him for 20 years. What a horror! He married another woman, not her. She came for him, get pregnant, he cheated on her with 7 other women. What a misery her life is! I would not be surprised to welcome her here sooner than you can imagine. Please, stay with us. your pain is not permanent. Again, you are lucky you got rid of him before he could do more damage to you and your daughter. Love Winter
Nov 9 - 1AM
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Your Pain

Your pain is excruciating - I feel it in every word you wrote. I felt like that. I felt like that every second of every day for months and months and months. I went NC just over 12 months ago. I went cold turkey - I never contacted him again. He contacted me just once and I did not reply. I fought the battle in my head over and over and over. If I had broken NC this drama would not have ended and I would have been even more damaged. You will come to see this - on the path of recovery that we are all walking along. Your rational mind will understand it before your emotional psyche will accept it. It's an addiction that you are going to be fighting. For some reason, it's different for all of us, you let him in against all the red flags he displayed. You let him in to take up residence in your heart and your head. Even when he's not physically present, you will be fighting him. Stay strong.. He wasn't worth it, any of it. "Let it go, let it go, let it go......" My mantra at present. I know he is terrorizing someone else right now. Terrorizing them with his seductive lies, his boyish charm and pity plays, his body which he uses as a weapon. Someone else, then someone else, then someone else... It's never enough. No one measures up. No one is that perfect ideal. We all begin to see the lies, the selfishness, the inconsistencies. That's not a person with whom I want to spend my precious years. I will never forget this experience. It has changed me profoundly. Welcome to our group. Best wishes on your journey of self discovery. Hugs xox.
Nov 8 - 10PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

smnp you are in the right place

I am so very sorry you went through all of that. I was once where you are. Crying yourself to sleep then waking up crying. You WILL survive this. Not only will you survive, but the old saying rings true. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. You are right, you will never be the same. You will be better! I know you cannot see this right now. I would just reiterate what Mandy said. Take care of you right now, and read read read. Knowledge is power. Couple books that were instrumental for me were "Narcissistic Lovers" by Cynthia Zahn (sp?) and "Women Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra Brown. Understand that there is nothing wrong with YOU! This woman from South America has a lifetime of hurt coming her way if she does in fact marry this POS! And she is proud of the fact that she has lowered herself and accepted this kind of treatment for twenty years? She may be just as sick and disordered as he is! It is only natural for you to feel the way you do because you are a kind loving person that is capable of loving deeply. Narcissist is not, never will be! They repeat the same twisted patterns over and over again! http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-relationship-cycle-idealize-devalue-and-discard/ Stick close to the forum and post here when you feel the urge to contact him. No contact is the only way out of this. Also if you haven't yet, read Spinning's recent blog "Spinning's 12 month ascent from hell". Very encouraging! Sending you lots of hugs, Rose
Nov 8 - 9PM
Kukla
Kukla's picture

smnp

Your story is so understandable. My exN discarded me and one month later married someone he had known on and off for nearly 20 years (all the time never telling me he was getting married the 9 months I was involved with him. He too cheated, lied, manipulated, humiliated every woman that he came into contact with. Now she's wife #3 and soooo in love (LOL). I too, have a degree with honors from a great University, work in New York City for one of the top investment houses with a wonderful career and come from a loving and caring circle of family and friends. You are going to go through a myriad of emotions and pain of guessing yourself. I still after 6 months of NC ask myself "why me?" "why her" "what did I do wrong?" I'm now just accepting I did nothing wrong... NC is the ONLY way to go if you want to heal and get on with your life. It will not be easy, but does every day you commit to it. Stay here and read and learn from the others on this forum. I cannot tell you how much these men and women have done for me to keep me from tearing at the seams. We are all here for each and understand where others can't. Sending you hugs...
Nov 8 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Very well said

Very well said Kukla.........very proud of you. Be proud of yourself! You go girl!
Nov 8 - 9PM
Pumpkin
Pumpkin's picture

"That should be me"

"That should be me" Are you kidding? Even if he does marry her he'll never treat her better. You should be thankful he picked her, she's saving you from a life of misery. He will never be faithful, he will never be honest. He doesn't love her, you or anyone else and he can't. When I finally admitted that mine didn't love me it was the most hurtful, painful feeling ever. I wasted thirty years of my life and I did deserve better. NC, it will hurt while you sort things out, but it comes down to they can't love, they are sick and they can't change. Do you see what a mess he's making of your mind in such a short time? Can you imagine a lifetime with him?

Pumpkin

Nov 8 - 9PM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

I am so sorry for everything

I am so sorry for everything you've been through. Please rest assured that everyone here knows exactly what you're talking about when you say that nothing you've experienced, not even the worst times, has ever hurt like this. I can also tell you from my own experience that I understand what you mean when you say that no one gets it, that your family and friends think you should just get over it and move in. THAT is EXACTLY what led me to this forum nearly a year ago - because no one understood what I was going through, *I* didn't understand what I was going through, and *I* didn't know why I couldn't just get over my ex and move on. Unless you've been involved with a narcissist, you don't get it. This is unlike normal breakups with normal men. Everything is more intense, everything is more muddled, everything is more confusing and painful and surreal. Everyone on this forum GETS IT. You're in a good place being here. I was fortunate in that my ex never hit me, never raged at me, never belittled me, never threatened me or made me feel threatened, never stole from me, like so many women here experienced. He never told me he loved me or made the kinds of promises that yours made to you. But he was the personification of passive aggression, and he was very much a covert narcissist. He did so many of the things your ex did - all the attention, the all-night phone conversations, and then, eventually, the cancellations, the lack of follow through, the not calling when he said he would, the silent treatment, excuses for everything, the actions not matching the words. There were numerous women in his life who he told me were just "friends." I felt constantly off-balance, on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop, trying to figure out just what was going on because nothing made sense. He ultimately just up and walked out of my life one day, disappeared. When I asked him what was going on, saying I wasn't stupid, he told me nothing was wrong, we were still friends, but he was gone. The phone calls and texts just plain stopped. I wasn't even given the courtesy of an explanation - instead, I got a denial that anything was going on at all. I was never even given the respect of an acknowledgement that things had changed, let alone a "goodbye." I won't lie and tell you this is going to be easy. It's not. It's extremely hard to untwist your own thinking and your ways of seeing him - I still struggle with it to this day. Intellectually, I can see things plain as day; emotionally, I'm still hung up. Your feelings for him aren't just going to go away overnight, and that's okay. You're human. You know how to love with all your heart, and there's nothing wrong with that. The challenge comes in learning how to recognize who's worthy of that and who isn't. It's been eleven months since I last had any communication with my ex. I haven't been the one to reach out to him in over a year. It's hard, but I know it's what's best for me. I keep two running lists - all the things about him that bothered me and never seemed right, as well as all the things that were just outright cruel (I'm up to a total of 99 as of tonight, which certainly says something about him), and all the things that are good about my life without him in it. I highly encourage you to start lists of your own; it's extremely helpful in getting you to the point where you can see things clearly in terms of what was going on as well as what you were missing when you were dealing with his games. For me, the first thing I noticed when I finally started coming out of the fog was the PEACE - I knew exactly what was going to happen every day, I wasn't waiting with baited breath for the phone to ring and then feeling devastated when it didn't, I wasn't wondering where he was or what he was doing or whether he was telling me the truth. There was predictability to my days for the first time in months, and while I was trying to heal from a broken heart, there was no constant threat of new pain to be delivered when I least expected it. I can look back now and appreciate the fact that I had that. I missed him like hell, but the few times he bounced in and out of my life at the end just set me back to the beginning every single time, and I was hurting and struggling all over again. Like I said, it's going to be hard. It'll probably be the toughest thing you'll ever do in your life, but DO NOT CONTACT HIM! And don't accept any contact FROM him, either. You need space to re-establish your own equilibrium, and that won't happen if you have any kind of communication with him. If you were to talk to him, it would only be lies on his end, and you neither need nor deserve that. I know how much you want to believe what he tells you. We ALL want to believe what they tell us, because we're trusting people, and we would never dream of lying about such wonderful things as love and forever and soulmates. But it's believing what he told you that landed you here. I know it hurts to think that everything he said was a lie. My mind still doesn't work that way, even knowing everything I know now about my ex and everything I've learned about narcissism. But I do know that my ex was one hell of a player, and so is yours. Find a therapist, if you haven't already done so. If nothing else, it'll give you a sounding board and a safe place to go and cry. That's okay, too. Cry when you need to. Sleep when you need to. Bum around the house in your PJs all day when you need to. Pamper yourself for awhile. You've been through a lot. I promise you it gets easier. It does. You're going to go through hell for awhile, but eventually, you really will come out the other side. Some people bounce back pretty quickly. Other people take longer. There's no deadline, and it's not a competition. We're all different, and we all process recovery differently. There's nothing wrong with that. The most important thing is you, and doing what's best for you. Just keep in mind that what's easiest isn't always best, and what's best isn't always easiest. There will be times that you'll want to talk to him just to ease the pain. Everyone here understands how tempting that relief is. But it's not what's best, because sooner or later, he's going to hurt you again, and you'll be starting from scratch, and the pain will only be worse because now you're dealing with dashed hopes and a potentially meaner ex who now knows he can reel you in whenever he wants to, and he doesn't have to go easy on you anymore to ensure that. Don't do that to yourself. You don't deserve it. You're going to be okay. Just stick close to here. You're in the right place. :-)
Nov 12 - 2AM (Reply to #8)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Fantastic response Mandy

I was going to respond individually but you have laid it all out so eloquently with a huge dose of "caring is sharing". SMSP you have had some great advice to getting on the path forward. We all know how hard it is so don't feel that you are alone. Keep close to the forum as it will help you enormously. Sweetheart, they really are just not worth our love and attention and you will come to accept that but they are not normal and so breaking up with a P/N is always more traumatic. It's really not you, it truly is him. Sending you lots of strength going forward. Dee x
Nov 8 - 8PM
las730
las730's picture

smnp

I am new to this forum and have not posted my story yet, I wish I had found this site when I was at my lowest moment. Lisa's story about her boyfriend (as written in her first book) could have been my story. I sincerely feel your pain. One of many many many things my N used to control me was money - he liked to lend me money knowing it would keep me here longer and it did. I am still living with my N and finally moving at the end of this month. I know I have a way to go with the no contact. What got me through this was when I felt my world collapsing this past February and affecting every part of my life, I forced myself into weekly therapy sessions. I read positive books to try and find me again. I journaled. Oprah's Life Class has been a huge help lately. Even the movie Eat, Pray and Love is helping me through this. I was still crying, confused, no self esteem, you name it, I was at rock bottom. Every time I hit a brick wall, I picked myself up again. It was not until September that I started having some good days. I forced myself to "go through the motions", I was a shell. It wasn't until last month that I reluctantly went camping with a huge group of people (only 4 people I knew) and was treated like a human again by everyone I met. As my N felt me leaving the relationship he tried to charm me again - it is very difficult - just last week I felt myself waivering - but "I talk to myself", my words I say when I feel this way is "let it go". It helps me come back to reality. I have been following the steps explained in this site without even knowing about this site. I've read both of Lisa's books - they are great! You will get through this. Use this site for support, find books, movies, friends, anything positive to help you feel better about yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect and lovingly. You will come to terms with your pain. You will be a different person because you are learning what is healthy and it will make you stronger! Eventually one day you will notice that you had a good day, and one good day will lead to many more! I promise.
Nov 8 - 8PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

As Hunter would say, welcome

As Hunter would say, welcome to Narville......... I am so sorry that you have been through all of this, but it is what we have all been through. Here, you won't feel so alone. Each and every one of us has experienced this same D & D........it is horrible, it is painful, it is excruciating.........but you will heal. Please stay NC. It is the only way. Just like someone in AA, having to stay sober, we have to stay NC. Again, it is the only way. I read you story, and it is as if a script has been passed out to a hundred different people, vying for the same role in a play or musical..........the words, the actions, it's all so eerily similar. You WILL heal, unfortunately, the South American woman won't. She is too far gone in her beliefs I think. That is why she is still in the picture. 20 years? She is brainwashed by him. Make no mistake about it, SHE is his main supply. Get rid of him, stay strong, read as much as you can. And stay close to the forum. He is a predator, and can only cause you harm!
Nov 8 - 7PM
enough for me
enough for me's picture

Dear S, I cried all day today

Dear S, I cried all day today over my X and I mean all day. I came here to read instead of calling him like I so desperetly wanted to and then I read your post and I cried for your broken heart and I cried for my broken heart and all the women here with stories so similiar. The tender moments, the inside jokes,the laughs and fun with friends,the dreams....but that is what it was a dream turns out a nightmare...We deserve better, we are better,we will get better, I dont know when I just have to beleive, our chidren need to see us in healthy giving relationships we do not want these men back in our lives only to see the pattern repeat with our sons and daughters. IT is not ok what they did to us, it is not ok we are left to pick up all the pieces of our shattered lives, but we must. We will just continue to support each other say all we need to say here. I know my friends mean well too but they will get to a point probably well before i am done when they will tire of hearing about my broken heart my desire to still have my X back in my life. My ridiculous willingness to give everything up just to have him back home,holding me when he was in the mood of course. I will come here and gain strenght and so will you. I will cry here I will feel safe here and when I am better I will stay and help others through this as some of these wonderful women are doing for me. My N has been gone for over 2 months but its only been 5 days since last contact.Send me a message any time you want we can do this
Nov 8 - 7PM
michelle18
michelle18's picture

Im So Sorry

Dear smnp, Your story is incredible. I feel your anguish and heartbreak in your words. You dont have to tell us that you graduated from an Ivy League School, it shows in every sentence you write. You are obviously a brilliant and well-spoken person. You are a good mommy too! :) I know your pain. My ex-N left me many times for someone else & I always took him back. Who knows if he was cheating on me. I can only say this...look back at your own evidence. This man is a heartless cheater and there is no reason for you to want him to "pick you". I know you are hurting and eventually you will be relieved he is gone. No reason to want a wedding with this one..after the "big day" he will find more victims to fool around with. That other woman is the lucky "winner" of a first class jerk. Its hard. Very hard. Hang in there Michelle
Nov 8 - 7PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Oh dear .. You have been in

Oh dear .. You have been in bed with a psychopath .. A 1 asshole., He has you right where he wants you.SOB.. He has taken you as low you can go.. Sweet lady you'll be ok.. This is my story and most here.. You can't continue a life like this .. He will never marry this woman or any woman.. We are all the OW.. You Must see a therapist ASAP, read .. And NC., Hunter
Nov 8 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
sunshine11
sunshine11's picture

My heart breaks

My heart breaks for you and what you have been through. I can tell you are a wonderful person. I know the pain that you are going through but you have got to remember that its not your fault. There is nothing that you could have done different. I loved my N more than anything and I did OD last year. I thought it was the only way to make the pain go away. I was so tired of fighting it, so tired of hurting and feeling dead inside. I too went to a therapist and this really helps. This is going to take some time but please stay NC. I will be praying for you. Lots of hugs....